Leg dream

[monotonic]

I dreamed that I walked out in front of my grandmother's house. There was apparently a family gathering and we were all sitting around in front of the house. In previous parts of the dream I remember, I was told my brother would have his leg amputated, and I saw his leg and foot with what appeared to be insect bites that were scratched very hard. I seemed to be in denial and could not believe that would happen. When given the chance I would have discussed this with my brother and done my best to find another solution.

When I walked out onto the lawn there was the same leg, cut off above the knee. At first it didn't register, and it was as if I had seen a soda can on the ground. I looked away. My uncle was talking about some of his interests which I was not co-linear with but were still a bit interesting. Then i looked back at the leg apalled and said "is that a FOOT!?" somewhat angrily "This should be MOVED!". I was angry that no one bothered to do what obviously needs to be done with such a thing.

He slowed down talking, and seemed to be unsure what to do at the moment. I figured there was nothing more I could do at the moment to remedy this situation so I turned around to the rest of the family members who seemed to be socializing and generally looking happy. Someone said casually that my brother got his leg amputated. I saw my brother sitting there but his legs were hidden. I craned my neck to see his legs, and it was true. I was shocked. I was chewing on a piece of sausage at the time. My mind was split. A part of me was unable to come to terms with this and was almost shutting down. Another part of me was trying to accept it passively, IE okay, that's life, things change, what do I need to do differently from now on. As I was feeling this I fell on my knees and was just so shocked I nearly regurgitated my sausage. My uncle seemed to be concerned I was choking and said "spit it out". A part of me felt like my behavior was melodramatic and that I was only acting.

When I woke up I told my dream to my brother and he wanted me to post it on the forum, so here it is.

 

[mkrnhr]

Hi monotonic,
This dream must have been very disturbing! What occurs to me, and I may be wrong of course, is that your brother is your subconscious representation of yourself, as device to observe yourself as another person from the outside, another you if that makes sense. If we consider this hypothesis to be valid, then it is possible that the amputation refers to an issue that underminds your ability to go forward, or to stand your ground. It might refer to something that you may perceive as rendering you powerless and helpless. Also, the indifference of the other members of the family may reinforce this perception of helplessness. So maybe there is a situation in your life which you do not evaluate clearly, hence the ambiguous reaction to the leg (drama and resignation) and yet your subconscious perceives it as threatening enough to "paralyze" you? Just some thoughts that may be totally wrong.

 

[monotonic]

Those are some useful ideas for me to think about.

The scratches on the foot were directly associated with something I sometimes go through that doctors believe is scabies. It's like poison ivy except it just keeps slowly growing and growing and gets out of control and eventually the itching and pain is so bad it hits you like a wall and you can't function anymore. The stuff makes you fear every little itch. It has increased my pain tolerance.

It behaves like an insect. It responds to insecticides. I got over the latest recurrence by rubbing turpentine into it regularly, and drizzling scalding water over the rash when the itching was overwhelming. I'm the only person I know who has had this. It's so bad that sometimes I worry when I see my brother has a rash, but he has never had it.

 

[monotonic]

It seems that there are some things in motion in my subconscious. I've been seeing new things in my day to day life, and also seeing some of the ways I am behaving mechanically and drifting in the various influences. I am trying to remain conscious and fully acknowledge the forces in me that lead me passively to one or another aimless indulgence.

I was just thinking about how I've seen so much wisdom pass by and had no way to preserve it. I was thinking of how convenient it would be to have a notebook that was full size but could somehow fit in my pocket. While I was imagining writing in different portable journal designs, the visualization took on a life of it's own and I felt as if I was writing about an emotional topic and writing out some painful emotional struggle and realization, and I remembered the feeling of calm and release that also accompanied it. I think sometimes my subconscious sends me messages this way. I think there are emotions in me that want to get out, and there has always been a hunger for release. But there are no words or narratives yet for those feelings, so they float in a vacuum, inaccessible.

I have been trying to give up some illusions which after playing with fire and gaining experience have started to become transparent. This always tends to elicit macabre feelings, as if something inside me is dying, but it's like in those movies when the bad guy is dying and you feel sorry for him but then you don't because you know what he does and you're glad that it's going to end.

 

[mkrnhr]

It seems that there are some things in motion in my subconscious. I've been seeing new things in my day to day life, and also seeing some of the ways I am behaving mechanically and drifting in the various influences. I am trying to remain conscious and fully acknowledge the forces in me that lead me passively to one or another aimless indulgence.

We all do :)

I was just thinking about how I've seen so much wisdom pass by and had no way to preserve it. I was thinking of how convenient it would be to have a notebook that was full size but could somehow fit in my pocket. While I was imagining writing in different portable journal designs, the visualization took on a life of it's own and I felt as if I was writing about an emotional topic and writing out some painful emotional struggle and realization, and I remembered the feeling of calm and release that also accompanied it. I think sometimes my subconscious sends me messages this way. I think there are emotions in me that want to get out, and there has always been a hunger for release. But there are no words or narratives yet for those feelings, so they float in a vacuum, inaccessible.

Have you tried journaling? It may appear as a boring activity, but for most people it helps getting things out, and to fix ideas and perception not immediately aknowledged through "conscious introspection", which leads sometimes to some interesting discoveries.

I have been trying to give up some illusions which after playing with fire and gaining experience have started to become transparent. This always tends to elicit macabre feelings, as if something inside me is dying, but it's like in those movies when the bad guy is dying and you feel sorry for him but then you don't because you know what he does and you're glad that it's going to end.

Are you referring to a mourning of the older self?

 

[monotonic]

Are you referring to a mourning of the older self?

The old self mourns itself, for sure. But it just feels wrong to personify old mechanical habits, like feeling sorry for a calculator when it's batteries run out. I have to prepare something new to take it's place, and at every step I am implored to pity it, but I cannot. It's like a pet that's begging you all day long, for something you can't give it. Just look at those big, round, glistening eyes.