knowledge_of_self
The Living Force
Dear Laura and group
I don’t really know how or where to begin this post, but I think it’s long over-due.
Victoria’s recent passing left me wondering about many things. Including asking myself who am I, and what is it I want out of this life.
After what happened with Marie, (http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=5635.0) I feel like I have been falling for a long time. Part of me was always scared to be judged by all of you or what you would think of me if I came back and made this post. But somehow, I don’t care anymore. I ran away and was too stupid to see ahead of my own big ego. So I distanced myself from you, because I thought you wouldn’t forgive me. Because I thought, you thought less of me. And after all said and done, I ran away… despite you telling me not to. Maybe it was because of stupidity, fear, the predator, deep programming/blocks, I don’t know… but after that thread I got neutralized. I felt like I lost my friends and your respect, because of a mistake.
Ever since then, I’ve been reading here and there, psychological books that has been recommended here like Trapped in the Mirror, Unholy Hungers, etc.. I “lurk” on the forum but don’t share any thoughts because I feel like what I have to say probably won’t add anything, and other people will say what I want to say at some point.
Nima (my spouse) kept reading SOTT and the forum after that whole Marie situation a lot more than me. From time to time, we would discuss different threads. He would say I should write my thoughts on the forum, but I wouldn’t. He says that he thinks Marie was an agent, maybe partly sent to neutralize me, and stop me from doing the work… and maybe that’s true ( though I think that’s too self-important to think, because, who am I?) He also blames himself. He says it’s his fault that he didn’t listen to Laura’s advice from the start. And because of his ego, he facilitated an environment where such an attack occurred. I’ve come to a point of not wanting to blame anyone but myself. I feel like it was all my fault, I made the stupid post on Cass-chat, I invited her (even though it was both our idea), and most importantly I didn’t tell you guys about it. I put the group in danger, and so I lost your respect. At least I thought I did… and I ran away.
I don’t know where I read or heard this, but someone once said that if you’re doing the work and you run away, either you’ll completely go back to sleep, or you’ll come back because nothing can ever be the same again. Well nothing has ever been the same for me. I feel like I’ve just been sitting on the fence, stagnant.
After reading about Victoria, I couldn’t stop thinking of what if when I walk out this door, it will be my last time. Do you have any regrets I thought? Well I do… and that’s not telling you how sorry I am for that mistake, and for running away… and that I still want to be someone that makes a difference in this world. Even if it’s as little or big as what Victoria did for the forum. And that at the end of the day, this group is the only place I ever felt at home… because I don’t know any other group who strives to better themselves without being selfish.
Well that’s all I have to say, funny how after writing this, an ‘I’ in me does NOT want to post it. Keeps telling me that there is no point. But these are things I have wanted to say for a long time, I’m sad it took a death for me to just SAY it.
~Nina~
I don’t really know how or where to begin this post, but I think it’s long over-due.
Victoria’s recent passing left me wondering about many things. Including asking myself who am I, and what is it I want out of this life.
After what happened with Marie, (http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=5635.0) I feel like I have been falling for a long time. Part of me was always scared to be judged by all of you or what you would think of me if I came back and made this post. But somehow, I don’t care anymore. I ran away and was too stupid to see ahead of my own big ego. So I distanced myself from you, because I thought you wouldn’t forgive me. Because I thought, you thought less of me. And after all said and done, I ran away… despite you telling me not to. Maybe it was because of stupidity, fear, the predator, deep programming/blocks, I don’t know… but after that thread I got neutralized. I felt like I lost my friends and your respect, because of a mistake.
Ever since then, I’ve been reading here and there, psychological books that has been recommended here like Trapped in the Mirror, Unholy Hungers, etc.. I “lurk” on the forum but don’t share any thoughts because I feel like what I have to say probably won’t add anything, and other people will say what I want to say at some point.
Nima (my spouse) kept reading SOTT and the forum after that whole Marie situation a lot more than me. From time to time, we would discuss different threads. He would say I should write my thoughts on the forum, but I wouldn’t. He says that he thinks Marie was an agent, maybe partly sent to neutralize me, and stop me from doing the work… and maybe that’s true ( though I think that’s too self-important to think, because, who am I?) He also blames himself. He says it’s his fault that he didn’t listen to Laura’s advice from the start. And because of his ego, he facilitated an environment where such an attack occurred. I’ve come to a point of not wanting to blame anyone but myself. I feel like it was all my fault, I made the stupid post on Cass-chat, I invited her (even though it was both our idea), and most importantly I didn’t tell you guys about it. I put the group in danger, and so I lost your respect. At least I thought I did… and I ran away.
I don’t know where I read or heard this, but someone once said that if you’re doing the work and you run away, either you’ll completely go back to sleep, or you’ll come back because nothing can ever be the same again. Well nothing has ever been the same for me. I feel like I’ve just been sitting on the fence, stagnant.
After reading about Victoria, I couldn’t stop thinking of what if when I walk out this door, it will be my last time. Do you have any regrets I thought? Well I do… and that’s not telling you how sorry I am for that mistake, and for running away… and that I still want to be someone that makes a difference in this world. Even if it’s as little or big as what Victoria did for the forum. And that at the end of the day, this group is the only place I ever felt at home… because I don’t know any other group who strives to better themselves without being selfish.
Well that’s all I have to say, funny how after writing this, an ‘I’ in me does NOT want to post it. Keeps telling me that there is no point. But these are things I have wanted to say for a long time, I’m sad it took a death for me to just SAY it.
~Nina~
