Mirror, Mirror...

[HowToBe]

I am requesting feedback concerning some ongoing situations in my life, and confusions bouncing around in my head.

I graduated from high school about a year ago, but I have barely done anything with my life since then, because I don't know what to do (although I seem to have made some progress in internal work). The world is a freaky place , and I don't even have my home life stable, so I don't know if I could handle College or a job. Just after graduating, I spent some time resting, just playing video games a lot because I could barely muster the willpower to do anything else. After a while, this "stage" passed, and now I want little to do with video games, although I still manage to get sucked into my habit of playing them. I find it EXTREMELY hard to muster the willpower to do any work, even towards things which seem very important to me, such as cleaning the house (which could only improve my family's life), or reading things which I feel I desperately need to (such as various works suggested on this forum). I'm overwhelmed by the vast amount of material on the cassiopaea website, and although I've made some headway reading, I don't know how I'm going to work with all of it and make something of myself. I'm going to try and separate my most prominent concerns into paragraphs. I'm having a very difficult time trying to figure out what is worth writing...

Firstly, our house is a mess. I live with my mom who has health issues. Due to those issues and circumstances over the years, she has been unable to keep house over the years. She hasn't made my brother and I clean partly because of emotional issues from constant work she did helping her mother as a child (apparently, she had little or no personal life as a result), because she doesn't want to make us resent her, and because she doesn't have the physical ability to do all of the necessary work. Cleaning things up is something I desperately want to do, but I never manage to motivate myself. It feels like a lot just doing dishes and cooking (which is basically my job). If I clean up the table one day, it is stacked within a week or two again, and I haven't ever managed to keep it clean day by day. On top of this, I feel guilty when I throw things away because of all the landfill pollution stuff, although I don't really know what else to do.

My mom is allergic to soybeans; something we just discovered. She has been weak and had energy problems all her life, and we now think it's very likely that the allergy is why. It may be the reason she developed scoliosis (sideways curvature of the spine), and also is likely the reason she took so long to recover after she got surgical rods placed in her back. She had faint spells, she would occasionally go hot, and she usually itched, but the most prominent signs suggested it might be a blood sugar problem - at least that's what the doctors looked for. One day, a year or two after her surgery, my mom was at college and actually went blind, an hour after eating breakfast. Once, in conversation, I mentioned the possibility she could be allergic to something, or some combination of things. The domino effect was that we discovered her soy allergy. So at least I've helped something, but now I'm in an uncomfortable situation, because being unable to eat virtually ANY store foods really depresses her. She hates cooking, and now she's forced to cook fresh foods to survive (though I really do most of the cooking right now), and everything tastes the same to her. We can't eat out except at one local italian restaurant, and we're not eating much, or well. I'm already thin by nature, perhaps too thin because I've developed a talent for going without food (Although my stomach's not caved in or anything). It's probably my selfishness, but I really balk at the thought of spending hours cooking every day (In a messy kitchen with no counter space) trying to make foods with enough variety that she doesn't go crazy, yet... I definitely don't want her to go crazy because of my laziness, and I feel worthless for not doing more. Another big problem (maybe bigger than a lack of variety) is that it's very her for her to get quick food now, since everything must be cooked.

A difficulty arises from my interest in esoteric development as well. It is very important to me, although the whole thing feels too large to grasp, and I fear even as I write this that your group here could be a clever manipulation just like so much in the world. The worldview presented here is terrifying, and there are just so many facets and so much writing that I feel I might drown in it all, or more likely just never achieve anything real. There is definitely something wrong with the world as it is, and I couldn't imagine just ignoring everything and going back to sleep. I've already lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy, so I couldn't go back. So it's rather like I'm tumbling down a dark, unknown pit, with demons grinning at me from the walls, trying to learn how to land before I run out of time and hit the bottom. Some would say I'm young, but I feel like I've lost too much time already.

A few weeks ago, I met a young neighborhood boy, who befriended me and has been wanting to play with me every day since. But it's kind of one-way. Mostly he wants to do things and I follow him because he seems to really enjoy my company. I thought that this would be a good way to practice "external considering", to help break some of my cycles, but it feels wrong, largely because I can't seem to conjure from within myself feeling of equal excitement when I see him. I feel bad because I sort of dread when he knocks on the door, even if I've had a few days to rest. I'm sure that I have some strong emotional problems here that are blocking things up, but I don't know how to work on those. I must be wound up tighter than I ever thought. I feel guilty when he calls me his "best friend" and says I'm "the nicest guy he knows around here". He's scheduled to move in a month, so I guess I'll try to learn what I can before then. I know it's a learning experience; if only I knew how to learn.

I feel that I probably ought to get a job, but this worries me too, because I can't imagine how I'd work on cleaning the house (not to mention the food issues) once I had a job to do as well. Yet, it would be nice if I could lift some of the monetary burden, and having money would allow me to buy books such as those suggested around here. Yet, I would have less time to read them.

Today I just finished reading the page on the cassiopaea website about organic portals, and that has further confused me, because how am I to get anywhere esoterically if half of the people I meet are energy siphons, and I can't tell the difference? For all I know, that kid could be an OP draining me for all he's worth, but he could also be a kid who really needs a reliable friend.

I also despair a bit when I see how many trials and how much work Laura and others seem to have gone through toward uncovering truth and putting puzzles together. I can't imagine working that hard, yet I feel I ought to be working towards it at least, but how?

Also, I find it very hard to keep regular sleep hours. I can easily read well into the night or lose the time doing anything that holds my attention, but when I get off of a regular sleep schedule, I begin sleeping 12 hours at a time and don't feel rested even then. For example, it is 3:35 AM right now. My ideal bedtim would be about 7 hours ago.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the length of my bemoanings. Make what you will. Many here will have experience that I lack; all feedback is appreciated.

Thank You

 

[Alada]

[quote author=HowToBe]
Firstly, our house is a mess. I live with my mom who has health issues. Due to those issues and circumstances over the years, she has been unable to keep house over the years. She hasn't made my brother and I clean partly because of emotional issues from constant work she did helping her mother as a child (apparently, she had little or no personal life as a result), because she doesn't want to make us resent her, and because she doesn't have the physical ability to do all of the necessary work. Cleaning things up is something I desperately want to do, but I never manage to motivate myself. It feels like a lot just doing dishes and cooking (which is basically my job). If I clean up the table one day, it is stacked within a week or two again, and I haven't ever managed to keep it clean day by day. On top of this, I feel guilty when I throw things away because of all the landfill pollution stuff, although I don't really know what else to do.
[/quote]

Hi HowToBe,

The thing to remember is to try and tackle things one at a time. I think you see your own situation and your role well, and quite clearly you love your mother very much and want to help her, but taken all together it seems like to much which is understandable.

The important things is to begin, to take the first step, even the longest journey begins with this step. The table would be a good place to start, to make it your aim to keep that together, then expand your aims out from there.

Working to be a good householder is excellent work indeed, you might learn a great deal by tackling things about the house one at a time, see your programs, work on them, grow Will, be able to do more.

Very often we think that everything has to be done at once, or more precisely that it can be done all at once. So we day dream that we can do this sort of thing, find that actually we can't, and then kind of run out of steam, negative emotions drain the energy away. So take it the other way around, work on small things and master those as a way to work. If you choose to have the aim of helping your mother, keeping a good kitchen, sleeping sensible hours or whatever, maybe don't move on to the next thing until you have the first one firmly under your belt.

Don't forget that Laura learned day by day, nothing comes automatically, but also nothing comes without effort. Work a little on each of your aims every day and over time you can see progress then which helps keep your motivation up. But as is said quite often around here: If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. You seem to see the need for change though, its the how that seems a bit daunting but it needn't be, taken step by step.

 

[RyanX]

The important things is to begin, to take the first step, even the longest journey begins with this step. The table would be a good place to start, to make it your aim to keep that together, then expand your aims out from there.

I think this is really good advise. Tackle those small tasks first and then move on to the big ones.

When I think back on my own situation of becoming an adult, I realize that all the responsibilities that I have didn't fall into my lap at once. I didn't like cleaning, laundry, cooking or doing the dishes, just as you describe for yourself. I slowly became acquainted with doing these chores. I'm not sure what I would have done in your situation being faced with doing all of these things immediately after high school, I would probably be feeling the same way - overwhelmed.

It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety over cooking and managing a kitchen. I can relate. I felt the same way at first after I moved out on my own. I didn't cook a lot of foods, I just bought whatever was convenient at the stores, usually frozen pizzas and other microwavable meals. Slowly over the years, I began to appreciate home cooked meals. I missed having a real home cooked dinner, since this is what I was used to growing up with my parents. Once I started making tasty meals and realized the money I was saving and the health I was gaining, I realized how much better this lifestyle was than how I was living before. Cooking in your kitchen also gives you a motivation to keep the kitchen clean, since you become responsible for the quality and health of the food you make. Keeping a clean kitchen means keeping the rest of the house clean as well. So for me, everything sort of began in the kitchen.

The more you cook, the more you will find ways to save time and money in the process. Making leftovers is something I shoot for with almost every meal. Cooking a couple big meals a week is much easier to manage than cooking a separate meal every single day. There are quick things you can make for breakfast and lunch and ways you can use the leftovers creatively too.

I think you can manage all of this on your own, care for your mother and still have time for reading, researching and other healthy activities. But it all starts with that first step. :)

 

[HowToBe]

Thank you Alada and RyanX.

The important things is to begin, to take the first step, even the longest journey begins with this step. The table would be a good place to start, to make it your aim to keep that together, then expand your aims out from there.

This is indeed what I probably should do. I suppose I can work on the table each day and try to get to sleep at a reasonable time so I'll have more energy.

Working to be a good householder is excellent work indeed, you might learn a great deal by tackling things about the house one at a time, see your programs, work on them, grow Will, be able to do more.

Yeah, it seems that way to me. I seem to recall Gurdjieff saying something about housework, something about people who approached him about doing Work, but whose households were neglected or something. Does someone know what I'm referring to?

The more you cook, the more you will find ways to save time and money in the process. Making leftovers is something I shoot for with almost every meal. Cooking a couple big meals a week is much easier to manage than cooking a separate meal every single day. There are quick things you can make for breakfast and lunch and ways you can use the leftovers creatively too.

This is very true, but it's hard to make a meal large enough to have leftovers when cooking for three people, two of which haven't had a breakfast or lunch. What you said before is true as well; needing to cook meals is motivation to keep the kitchen clean. Cooking probably won't be comfortable until I've created enough space to work flexibly.

Thanks for the encouragement. I guess I'll limit my focus and try to "master" one thing at a time.

Any further thoughts are welcome.

 

[Gonzo]

Hi HowToBe,

At 44 I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but that hasn't stopped me from having several interesting jobs and careers. Don't fall for the pressure of having to have it all figured at right now. It really isn't that important - you have a whole life ahead of you.

What might be good, however, is for you to try to get a better grasp of your interests, which would ultimately lead to a better understanding of your career or academic prospects.

Do you enjoy helping people? If so, in what way (healing arts, guidance, spiritual development, retirement planning, etc.)?

Perhaps you enjoy creating things, either artistically or functionally.

Try to find broad categories like these and see if any of them catch your interest.

Regarding feeling lazy, I think it might be helpful for you to try to separate low energy from laziness as each concept has different remedies.

Low energy requires finding any drains, be they diet, depression (or other health-related issues) or people related. As well, exercise, as hard as it is to motivate oneself, has been shown to increase energy levels.

Laziness, on the other hand, could require repetatively building upon increased task loads, which eventually start to feel normal.

If you can imagine getting a job, perhaps you could afford to have someone come in to do some basic cleaning. Many cleaning companies are accustomed to helping people with chronic clutter achieve a degree of cleanliness in critical areas.

I wonder if you have taken on some of your mother's issues and made them yours, as well. This would certainly be overwhelming and draining, although I fully empathize.

You may find that you eventually need to get away from your mom's place and find your own, so you can start anew. I do understand how guilty you might feel doing so, but you have to eventually ask yourself if caring for your mother and doing the housework for her is what you want to be doing the rest of your life. If not, when do you see it ending?

I certainly recall having a few friends when I was younger, who seemed much more attached to me that I was to them.

Do you find any benefits for yourself in maintaining this friendship? For example, perhaps it forces you to get out when you would otherwise become a hermit. Are there down sides to this friendship that might outweigh the benefits? Perhaps this person takes you away from working on yourself.
Your problems have many layers and you seem overwhelmed, and rightfully so.

Take some time trying to separate the layers: the state of the housework, spiritual development, your physical health, your ambitions, etc., and try to look at them separately. This might buy you some wiggle room in your considering the multi-faceted issues you are facing.

Being a chronic pain sufferer with a spinal disease and fibromyalgia, I can also empathize with how your mother might feel. I just could not muster the energy most of the time to parent or keep house they way I would have liked. And I had a spouse who was constantly cutting me down for being that way, which only magnified the guilt and shame.
While you might understand your mother's feelings, remember that they are her's and her's alone. Taking on her feelings or trying to compensate for them will only wound you and deny yourself growth. I would recommend reading any of the phsyche books that deal with narcissistic wounding. It doesn't mean your mom is a narcissist for you to be wounded in such a way. It is only natural for a caring, feeling person to want to take their parents suffering away, or at least minimize it.

I wish you great success in unravelling all of the issues affecting you and want to encourage you to continue to let us know how you are doing.

Regards,
Gonzo

 

[Gonzo]

I forgot to add, you might want to consider taking melatonin (available at pharmacies and health shops) just before bedtime. It helps reset your body's clock. The idea would be to try to go to bed at the same time each night and take the melatonin just before.

Proper sleep hygiene really requires a pattern, often lacking in adolescents and those in their early twenties.

You also might be having serotonin issues which might benefit from a product like 5HTP.

However, I would strongly suggest dealing with diet, exercise and sleep hygiene first, establishing a pattern before anything else.

You will find a plethora of information in the health section of the forum to help you sift through the misinformation on the Internet.

Gonzo

 

[Hildegarda]

Hi HowToBe,

Thank you for sharing what you are going through. Right in the beginning, you are somehow separating "inner work" from "any work", and claim some success in the first while admitting lack of will to do the latter:

I graduated from high school about a year ago, but I have barely done anything with my life since then, because I don't know what to do (although I seem to have made some progress in internal work). [..] I find it EXTREMELY hard to muster the willpower to do any work, even towards things which seem very important to me, such as cleaning the house (which could only improve my family's life), or reading things which I feel I desperately need to (such as various works suggested on this forum)

You might want to rethink this distinction. Here is a quote by Gurdjieff that puts it in prospective (perhaps this is the one you mentioned, about people doing housework):

"Obyvatel is a strange word in the Russian language. It is used in the sense of 'inhabitant,' without any particular shade. At the same time it is used to express contempt or derision--'obyvatel'--as though there could be nothing worse. But those who speak in this way do not understand that the obyvatel is the healthy kernel of life. And from the point of view of the possibility of evolution, a good obyvatel has many more chances than a 'lunatic' or a 'tramp.' Afterwards I will perhaps explain what I mean by these two words. In the meantime we will talk about the obyvatel. I do not at all wish to say that all obyvatels are people of the objective way. Nothing of the kind. Among them are thieves, rascals, and fools; but there are others. I merely wish to say that being a good obyvatel by itself does not hinder the 'way.' And finally there are different types of obyvatel. Imagine, for example, the type of obyvatel who lives all his life just as the other people round him, conspicuous in nothing, perhaps a good master, who makes money, and is perhaps even close-fisted. At the same time he dreams all his life of monasteries, for instance, and dreams that some time or other he will leave everything and go into a monastery. And such things happen in the East and in Russia. A man lives and works, then, when his children or his grandchildren are grown up, he gives everything to them and goes into a monastery. This is the obyvatel of which I speak. Perhaps he does not go into a monastery, perhaps he does not need this. His own life as an obyvatel can be his way.

"People who are definitely thinking about ways, particularly people of intellectual ways, very often look down on the obyvatel and in general despise the virtues of the obyvatel. But they only show by this their own personal unsuitability for any way whatever. Because no way can begin from a level lower than the obyvatel. This is very often lost sight of on people who are unable to organize their own personal lives, who are too weak to struggle with and conquer life, dream of the ways, or what they consider are ways, because they think it will be easier for them than life and because this, so to speak, justifies their weakness and inadaptability. A man who can be a good obyvatel is much more helpful from the point of view of the way than a 'tramp' who thinks himself much higher than an obyvatel. I call 'tramps' all the so-called 'intelligentsia'--artists, poets, any kind of 'bohemian' in general, who despises the obyvatel and who at the same time would be unable to exist without him. Ability to orientate oneself in life is a very useful quality from the point of view of the work. A good obyvatel should be able to support at least twenty persons by his own labor. What is a man worth who is unable to do this?"

What I'd like to suggest is that for your personal situation, the housework and getting your affairs in order IS Work, pure and simple. I'm afraid that hoping to achieve serious "esoteric" development separately from, and without getting those mundane affairs in order would be just that, an illusion.

This doesn't at all mean that you should stop reading up on the recommended books and the material presented on the site; on the contrary, making it a daily habit would be beneficial. It is more about tempering your mind with your actual circumstances, which would hopefully help you not get carried away or confused by what you read.

As an example of what I mean, here you are sharing your concerns upon reading about organic portals:

Today I just finished reading the page on the cassiopaea website about organic portals, and that has further confused me, because how am I to get anywhere esoterically if half of the people I meet are energy siphons, and I can't tell the difference?

From what you described about your lifestyle, you do not seem to be around too many people (you do not work and do not go to school). Your immediate environment where you spend more time, i.e., messy house and lack of routine, has a much bigger impact on you. It is said that your personal space is a good reflection of your mental state, and also has a very direct effect on that mental state, it's like a feedback loop. Considering that what's going on in your house may be a fair approximation on what's going on in your mind, what would be a bigger risk for you -- a stray OP in your vicinity, or being handicapped by your own lack of will and order, which you are a hostage to and help create and recreate at any moment? I rather think it's the latter. Therefore, that should be the first priority.

Now, to what to do. As has already been said, baby steps. Charlotte Mason, a Bristish 19th century educator, coined an expression, "a happiness of habit". Meaning that when a habit has been laid (that takes 2 weeks of full attention and up to a year of checking and rechecking), it becomes easier and even satisfying to follow it. Do not worry about getting everything perfectly at once, that's way too overwhelming. One thing at a time, little by little.

There is a lot of great recipes discussed in the "Diet" section of the forum (http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?board=50.0). About sleep hours, you might want to check out these threads: http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=13612.0 , http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=6643.0 . There are things you could do and supplements to take, to set your sleep back into a more normal schedule. I too struggle with it sometimes, and have to bring myself back in line.

As for cleaning, it can be totally daunting especially if you have never done much of it and have to start from a very big mess. First, the same principle of "baby steps" applies here. And second, reconsider your reservations about throwing stuff out. Having your own house serve as a veritable landfill is no service to the environment and no service for you especially. Additionally, you may be able to sell some of your stuff (on eBay or Craig's List) or pass it on to other people for free (check out a local FreeCycle group, or put together a donation to Goodwiil or Salvation Army -- if you have furniture, the SA will come and pick all your stuff up for you). Letting go of things can be a very cathartic experience. Just writing this makes me inspired to do another major cleaning :)

For daily cleaning and maintenance skills, you might want to check out the website called _http://flylady.com/ It is oriented to women, but really, they have great tips that are good for anyone. They do a great job teaching you how to think of housework in manageable fragments. I wouldn't recommend signing up for their e-mails, it gets annoying after a while, just looking at the site and getting the basics down would be enough. Briefly, here are their recommendations: 1) Clean bathrooms every morning: scrub the toilet and shine the sink; 2) develop a habit of always picking up things and putting in its proper place; 3) pick one thing/chore to do each day -- organize a shelf, vacuum, go through a dresser, etc, and 3) regularly throw stuff out (say, once a week make a throwing out fest by going through your stuff and finding 30 items for the garbage bin -- old receipts, worn socks, etc). Starting on at least some of it before looking for a job, as you are intending to, will get you going in no time.

hope this helps, and good luck!

 

[Menna]

You said you graduated from high school a year ago so that puts you at around 18-19 years old. The fact that you are this young and have an open mind about this type of information and that you are able to absorb it is amazing. I think this is one big positive in your life that you have over looked.

Also I wan't to remind you to live in the NOW. Plan for the future but sometimes the future can be a distraction. You are at the time in your life when things are going to change - job, school and other things. Remember everything happens - so the best thing you can do is be in a positive mind frame.

It is also great how you care for and look after your mother!

 

[HowToBe]

At 44 I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but that hasn't stopped me from having several interesting jobs and careers. Don't fall for the pressure of having to have it all figured at right now. It really isn't that important - you have a whole life ahead of you.

Ah, that's encouraging. I've given it some thinking. I used to want to make video games, although not so much anymore, and anyway I'm not sure how much focus on entertainment is healthy for one's growth. Part of my "laziness" issue regards me playing games more than I ought to, although my desire to play has been weakening as my desires and thinking evolve. It would still be a possibility if I decide there is a worthwhile reason to make a game, but I suspect that in such a case it would have to be quite an unusual game. I think I sort of understand why the "intelligentsia" have a hard time growing; perhaps because in general they are centered around entertainment, praising "creativity" that in the end is actually mostly mechanical action. I considered myself an artist for a time, and also wished to pursue that, but now it doesn't feel right for the same reason as video games, although I can see more immediate uses for art.

I'm considering learning computer programming and maybe researching into artificial intelligence. I've learned some surprising things recently about this field and I wonder if it's prudent to make sure there is some empathy involved in the developments there. I plan to post my findings elsewhere. AI seems to be one of the things that falls fairly well within my interests.

Do you find any benefits for yourself in maintaining this friendship? For example, perhaps it forces you to get out when you would otherwise become a hermit.

This was one of my reasons for maintaining the friendship. Really, I sort of asked for it. I had recently asked the universe to place someone in my life (I envisioned a child) who would pull me away from my mechanical routine to help me grow and become more responsible. Well, I was surprised to get exactly what I had asked for so quickly! Perhaps requests for lessons are something the universe will more readily respond to! That alone is an interesting lesson. Tim (the child) has moved away from my neighborhood now, so perhaps that lesson is finished. Actually, it was my uncertainty about him that led me to start this thread at all, so he's helped me in that way. He told me "You're the nicest guy I know around here", and he emphasized that several times, which felt good. He kinda seemed to need a friend, and when I learned he was moving away, I decided I'd be his friend while he was here. I helped his grandpa and grandma carry some difficult things on the day they moved out, and it felt good to help. Tim called me on my phone a couple times, but he hasn't called again, so he's probably moved on (maybe partially because his phone made it impossible for me to understand his voice :/).

I'll be considering all of your comments. The melatonin/serotonin suggestion is interesting, so I'll look into that.

Thank you for sharing what you are going through. Right in the beginning, you are somehow separating "inner work" from "any work", and claim some success in the first while admitting lack of will to do the latter:
...
What I'd like to suggest is that for your personal situation, the housework and getting your affairs in order IS Work, pure and simple. I'm afraid that hoping to achieve serious "esoteric" development separately from, and without getting those mundane affairs in order would be just that, an illusion.

You make a very good point. I must clarify that when I said I "seem to have made a little progress", I meant this very modestly. I've spent some time unwinding after feeling , and I've learned a few things from watching myself as I played games, and I've read some material from Laura, the Cassiopaeans, and Ra. But I haven't committed myself, I suppose. Recently, I have lacked the willpower to read/post on these forums, for related reasons. I've just never gotten around to reading further and I suspect it's all connected into a big choice, a threshold of sorts. I remember the Cassiopaeans' ultimatum; to receive all, one must give all. I'll try to get myself to work, and to enjoy it knowing it is a service to everyone involved. I've received a lot just from reading the Cassiopaeans and about Gurdjieff, so I'll probably remain blocked from going further until I begin to really give.

My "free trial" has expired, and I'm being asked if I really want this. :)

As far as cleaning goes, it's not so bad because my mom has taught me how to clean. Speaking of which, whoa! My mind just reeled a bit and I realized... I don't think I've seen my mom happy very much when she was cleaning. She was basically tied to her own mother's side as a child, and her mom didn't rest, being handicapped but strong willed, and mother of five, married to a husband who was selfish and did anything to get out of work, she just pushed and pushed forward. My mom wanted to help and be with her mother, but the result was that she didn't have a childhood of her own, working all the time, and she's admitted that she hates being in the kitchen sometimes. So maybe I've subtly adopted that feeling towards housework. Even though she worked hard to teach me how to clean, maybe I've absorbed the emotional undertone? So maybe Gonzo is right, and I need to let her problems be hers, so that I can work through my own.

You said you graduated from high school a year ago so that puts you at around 18-19 years old. The fact that you are this young and have an open mind about this type of information and that you are able to absorb it is amazing. I think this is one big positive in your life that you have over looked.

Yup, 19. I've not overlooked it; it's a big part of my life! In that respect I must admit I've marveled at my life and how readily some knowledge seemed to come; all my life up until now it has sort of seemed like I've been remembering things rather than learning them completely anew, or something. I've toyed with the idea that maybe the knowledge and wisdoms that seem to have come easily to me are the result of things learned in other lives. If so, it only means one thing; I've failed again and again to make the choice, and this is just another chance, with a little experience to help me along, and I must still make the strong effort. If I am wise beyond my years, that does not make me wise, and even being wise is not enough if I never learn to Do. So, even being young, this lifetime can still feel so small.

Of course, what wisdom I do have comes unfortunately with a talent for making myself sound wiser than I really am. I have a strong intellect, but a weak moving center, I think. It needs excercise... like pushups... like cleaning the kitchen! ;D

Thanks everyone, and sorry for my late reply. One last thing; I find that my willpower and drive to work seems to come in waves lasting for several weeks, and then leave for several weeks at a time, during which time I generally degenerate into playing video games and only doing other things as necessary. I don't understand why, though, or what forces are involved. So far, I've not had the strength to impact the cycle, or if I have altered it, I haven't noticed. It's troubling. For the most part, I don't enjoy games nearly as much nowadays.

 

[herondancer]

Hi Howtobe,

I'm glad your interactions with Tim ended positively. You asked the universe for a chance to give, and it responded. Who knows if the memories Tim has of you will be something that positively influences his development?

I hope you will check the diet links and the recommendations regarding melatonin given to you by Hildegarda. She didn't make them lightly. It's remarkable how much our moods and energy levels depend on nutrition. Even something so simple as cutting out sugar from your diet will make a tremendous difference. If you were to add gluten and dairy (in all forms) to that, you will be amazed at the difference in your outlook. Proper sleep is also one of best gifts you can give to yourself.

The soul needs care too. Have you looked at the Éiriú Eolas meditation developed by Laura? It's easy to learn, and the whole program can be done through an on-line stream.

You will find hundreds of pages of testimony on this forum to the benefits of Éiriú Eolas.

There is also a FAQ that will give you an in-depth look at the programme along with answers to the questions that have come up most often from practitioners.

If you would like to try Éiriú Eolas for yourself, you will find video instruction on the techniques and the audio accompaniment for the programme on the Éiriú Eolas site. You can watch it for free on your computer and discover its amazing benefits for yourself.

There is also a forum on the Éiriú Eolas site dedicated to the Éiriú Eolas program.

You seem to be a bright, seeking, young person. I think you will find trying all of these suggestions a real adventure.

take care,

Herondancer

 

[Brewer]

You said you graduated from high school a year ago so that puts you at around 18-19 years old. The fact that you are this young and have an open mind about this type of information and that you are able to absorb it is amazing. I think this is one big positive in your life that you have over looked.

Also I wan't to remind you to live in the NOW. Plan for the future but sometimes the future can be a distraction. You are at the time in your life when things are going to change - job, school and other things. Remember everything happens - so the best thing you can do is be in a positive mind frame.

It is also great how you care for and look after your mother!

Hi Howtobe!

What Menna says it pretty well my thoughts on the subject, you seem to be doing OK

Keep it up!

Brewer

 

[mocachapeau]

A difficulty arises from my interest in esoteric development as well. It is very important to me, although the whole thing feels too large to grasp, and I fear even as I write this that your group here could be a clever manipulation just like so much in the world. The worldview presented here is terrifying, and there are just so many facets and so much writing that I feel I might drown in it all, or more likely just never achieve anything real. There is definitely something wrong with the world as it is, and I couldn't imagine just ignoring everything and going back to sleep. I've already lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy, so I couldn't go back.

Hi HowToBe,

I think your attitude toward the possibility of this being a manipulative group is a very positive quality to hang on to. You will find that people here will encourage skepticism, questioning everything, and not taking anything at face value. And as you move along in your learning, no one will ever question your free will to think for yourself. They will tell you if they disagree with you, but they will also explain why. What I found as I went along was that everything was very well explained, researched and documented. Most questions I had were answered within the reading and if not, people here were very happy to help.

But again, like house work, it all begins with that first, small step. It may feel overwhelming to look at a long list of books thinking that you have to "read ALL THAT???" I felt the same way at first. But I just decided to read books 1 to 4 of the Wave series, simply to get a general understanding of the concepts discussed here. Several people suggested I start with that when I arrived here, and it turned out to be excellent advice. Those books touch on every related topic you can think of, and more. After that, I had a good idea of which topics interested me the most (the ones that made it hardest for me to put the book down at 3AM when I had to work the next day), so I had a good idea of which section of books to choose from, one at a time, from the reading list.

The funny part was that after I read those four books, I had no more lack of motivation to read. The things I learned were so important, not to mention mind-blowing, that it woke up a thirst for knowledge that I had never felt before. "Learning is fun", I discovered.

You don't have to read everything at once, and you don't have to reach a point where you have everything read. Just start with one book and take it at your own pace. The rest will come as it will.

 

[Nienna]

HowToBe, I would like to second herondancer's suggestion of eliminating sugar. Well, to be exact, I would like to suggest that you take a look at the Diet and Health section of this forum. Especially reading about detoxifying and taking supplements that help get our bodies and minds back into a healthy state of being.

You would not believe how improper diet can completely destroy your life. And, let's face it, most of the foods that are available in the supermarkets are full of sugar, wheat, dairy, corn, soy, high fructose corn syrup, fake sweeteners.....all bad for us. No wonder people are sick and have psychological problems.

Also, if you get a chance, the Eiriu Eolas breathing and meditation system is a wonderful way to start to cleanse the mind, body and emotions.

Detoxifying our minds, bodies and emotions is really important to a healthy life style, on a whole lot of levels.

 

[HowToBe]

I have attempted to eliminate sugar over the last few days. On the first day I had lots of cravings, as I unfortunately have been reflexively using sugar to make up for not eating enough, it seems. I hope to solve my personal food issues by getting a job and taking part of the burden off of my parents. With our combined incomes, I expect that we will be able to afford food from the health store, and I think that may give me more incentive to make meals properly. I will also be able to pay off some personal debts of conscience; A while back, I watched some movies online, and I would kind of like to actually buy the things I watched. I'm curious if those here have anything to say/advise regarding that sentiment - do you think it is a responsible thing to do, in line with the Work?

These are my basic plans at the moment.

Regarding the health suggestions, it all seems to rest on me getting a job to be able to afford various supplements and appropriate foods. Currently, I don't know of a way to avoid wheat, let alone dairy (which I suspect will be the harder of the two, really). I'm pretty thin right now - I am naturally, but I feel below my ideal. Luckily, I seem to have a natural level of muscle tone (not too strong), probably because I've long had natural habit of stretching when I'm standing around, and I'm usually moving in some fashion even while at the computer.

A local store was hiring last time I looked. I hope they still are once the rash on my arm clears up.

 

[luke wilson]

Hi,

When I was your age HowToBe, I went to uni/college and moved into a house of my own living with acouple of friends - this was like 3 years ago. At this point in my life, I hadnt learnt how to do anything for myself Eg, cook, clean etc. This is how I did it.

Everyday, set like 2 hrs aside to do chores, usually in the evening. You start by washing dishes, cleaning the counters, putting everything away and whiping the table etc. And then you cook. If you find it hard to come up with ideas about what to make, you can get a cooking book for amateurs which basically teaches you how to make simple dishes, nothing to complicated. This way you can have variety in what you eat. Also if you find doing all this boring, you can set up a radio in your kitchen so whilst you work you can be listening to music. This makes it easier to work.

I would suggest you think very carefully about what you want to do in the longterm. I can tell you 1st hand that going to college is an amazing experience. It expands your horizons and it provides you with a unique opportunity to learn on so many different levels. You might feel terrified at first but believe me, that will pass. If it is work you want to do then I would suggest you have to think about what kind of work you want, I would suggest not blindly doing dead-end stuff, I would suggest building some kind of skill that will enable you to gain worthwhile employment that will provide you with an opportunity to earn decent money and pursue something you love. Just ask yourself what you want and start thinking about what it will take to get the ball moving in that direction... The key here is to take the initiative at some point and actually get the ball moving. If you dont, nothing will change. So whatever it is you want, they key is to actually to try and do something to get it. You stand no chance of getting anything if you dont apply yourself. This is true. Wishful thinking will not produce any results here... I have seen this 1st hand. You definately have to apply yourself. Also in this process of application, you get a chance to learn about yourself, you get a chance to experience new things, basically you get a chance to grow instead of stagnating in one place....

In terms of esoteric work, the beauty is you can intergrate this into your life. It doesnt mean that by learning this you stop living, you can do both simultaneously. Same way you played video games and had a life simultaneously...

As a last note, I find the hardest part about overcoming laziness is the 1st step. For example, when it comes to cleaning, it is the initial resistance of your mind to do the job, once you get over that and you actually start, then it becomes easier. Same as any other thing you might attribute to laziness.

Finally, I dont know how the economic recession is affecting you or whatnot but, due to this recession finding work might be hard especially low-skilled work so it might be worthwhile to spend the time instead building some skills either through going to college and getting a degree or joining an apprenticeship program or whatever else might be available that you might be interested in. Then you can continue from there, who is to say you cannot do this and get a part-time job simulataneously working a couple of hours a week??