Breo
The Living Force
Hi all,
I am new to the forum, though I had been deep into reading the posts and books. To start to open here is hard. I notice how much I have closed up myself, due to all the injuries and hurts in this predators world. Since long I want to write here. But also continuous external negative events kept me busy and in the end of the day, I was too exhausted and had no strength left for the initial steps. Now I want to ask input on my presently most difficult issue in life.
My job is to be in charge and teach a small team in a certain field of research. It involves two kinds of constant challenges: on the level of research and on a social/psychological/personal team level, including taking care of high integrity, morals and personal responsibilities. I run the group as a service oriented team, which fits me well. For most in the group this is fine too.
But there is a reoccurring pattern: Continuously there is one member of the group, each time a different one, who would keep me busy for a long time on an energetic level. I think it goes like this: First the person seems very enthusiastic and eager to participate, learn, share, "really so happy to be on board". Everything is on the positive side.
Then comes the phase of daily routines, including seeing me sometimes stressed or tensed, when I am overstrained, overworked. I tend to get fast, sharp and direct, when I am stressed. This type of person begin to go into a reactive mode, take things personal and become emotionally manipulative.
When I notice such behavior, I give one or some tries (depending) to address the issue directly, and the mechanical reaction of this type of person will tend to avoid the issue, play it down, just lie that all is fine. They will keep on sulking. The relation gets sour and begins subtly to negatively influence the whole team. Atmosphere becomes heavy, things turn slowly foul and sour for all. Normally its me only that notices the underlying negativity long before. In our work context, there is no space for lengthy personal talks. But actually this is what this type wants from me: attention, attention and behind that to save them from whatever…
So my main point is: I continuously find myself in the position to reveal the nastiness of a person to the rest of the team, because they would not notice. To make them indirectly aware, why the person will have to leave, to stop further damage for all in the group and the work. This keeps me busy instead of doing the work that I want to do, including my self work here!
Lately this context happened with dramatic consequences. I had to make a team member leave, a secretively ambitious, self oriented and manipulative, the "poor wanting to be saved"-type. The person finally left silently but full of internal hatred.
Now I was informed, that the person had (parallel to leaving) secretly contacted the one and only organization, that is the most important in my field of research and is trying to get into their network.
Since long I had planned to contact them, as THE most important issue professionally! But as I was consciously kept busy with this kind of negativity, I postponed and postponed. I finally contacted them, around the same time the person left. They wrote back, that they happily will arrange a first meeting. 6 weeks passed, they would not answer. I wrote again. They don't answer anymore!
My gut feelings says, that this person is now subtly manipulating the members of the organization. The person is very subtle, secretive and seductive. If the person succeeds this might have big consequences in my life.
I reacted with 2 weeks of sleepless worries, not knowing what to do, loosing energy and all that program. I am still stuck with that specific issue. And I want to get clear baout this reoccurring pattern in my life!
Questions and input very welcome. Thanks.
I am new to the forum, though I had been deep into reading the posts and books. To start to open here is hard. I notice how much I have closed up myself, due to all the injuries and hurts in this predators world. Since long I want to write here. But also continuous external negative events kept me busy and in the end of the day, I was too exhausted and had no strength left for the initial steps. Now I want to ask input on my presently most difficult issue in life.
My job is to be in charge and teach a small team in a certain field of research. It involves two kinds of constant challenges: on the level of research and on a social/psychological/personal team level, including taking care of high integrity, morals and personal responsibilities. I run the group as a service oriented team, which fits me well. For most in the group this is fine too.
But there is a reoccurring pattern: Continuously there is one member of the group, each time a different one, who would keep me busy for a long time on an energetic level. I think it goes like this: First the person seems very enthusiastic and eager to participate, learn, share, "really so happy to be on board". Everything is on the positive side.
Then comes the phase of daily routines, including seeing me sometimes stressed or tensed, when I am overstrained, overworked. I tend to get fast, sharp and direct, when I am stressed. This type of person begin to go into a reactive mode, take things personal and become emotionally manipulative.
When I notice such behavior, I give one or some tries (depending) to address the issue directly, and the mechanical reaction of this type of person will tend to avoid the issue, play it down, just lie that all is fine. They will keep on sulking. The relation gets sour and begins subtly to negatively influence the whole team. Atmosphere becomes heavy, things turn slowly foul and sour for all. Normally its me only that notices the underlying negativity long before. In our work context, there is no space for lengthy personal talks. But actually this is what this type wants from me: attention, attention and behind that to save them from whatever…
So my main point is: I continuously find myself in the position to reveal the nastiness of a person to the rest of the team, because they would not notice. To make them indirectly aware, why the person will have to leave, to stop further damage for all in the group and the work. This keeps me busy instead of doing the work that I want to do, including my self work here!
Lately this context happened with dramatic consequences. I had to make a team member leave, a secretively ambitious, self oriented and manipulative, the "poor wanting to be saved"-type. The person finally left silently but full of internal hatred.
Now I was informed, that the person had (parallel to leaving) secretly contacted the one and only organization, that is the most important in my field of research and is trying to get into their network.
Since long I had planned to contact them, as THE most important issue professionally! But as I was consciously kept busy with this kind of negativity, I postponed and postponed. I finally contacted them, around the same time the person left. They wrote back, that they happily will arrange a first meeting. 6 weeks passed, they would not answer. I wrote again. They don't answer anymore!
My gut feelings says, that this person is now subtly manipulating the members of the organization. The person is very subtle, secretive and seductive. If the person succeeds this might have big consequences in my life.
I reacted with 2 weeks of sleepless worries, not knowing what to do, loosing energy and all that program. I am still stuck with that specific issue. And I want to get clear baout this reoccurring pattern in my life!
Questions and input very welcome. Thanks.
But indeed good to wake up, finally! This is a huge revelation, many things now fall into place. It also opens my eyes to why it takes me so long to face this. (It is connected to my personal history, I will have to look deeper here.) 
From this moment on the person was mostly moody, negative, suspicious and more and more double faced. On one side ambitiously trying to be my "best man" - something we don't have and want- and on the other side, stay in a subtle opposition/resistance/doubt that influenced the overall atmosphere. Since then I became aware that he actually never was willing (able?) to do the given task the way it was ment to be, but only suited his personal concepts. His game was: I do my best, which is worth a lot and you don't value it, don't see it. With him around, I was mainly busy not to fall into a vague guilt/anger/blame game, which stressed and drained me. 
