These paintings were all done in high school age 14-17 and are all done with oil paint on canvas. Art and the art room in high school was somewhere I spent a lot of time. It was the place I could go and feel somewhat grounded and connected within myself. I did each painting spontaneously without anticipation or with a vision of a finished product. It was simple for me at that time to go down to the art room and observe and watch what unfolded. I remember looking at my paintings when they were finished and thinking "I did that, hmm, interesting?" At the time the darker the image the better I felt. I felt relief to look through photography books and see pictures of people expressing different emotions but mostly the dark emotions. I was very confused and angry at that time.
I have since analyzed these paintings. All 4 paintings are unnamed. In retrospect they all have great meaning in my experience of myself and of the world.
The one of the girl smoking I realize now is me. I rejected my parents belief systems and was very angry that they would not look at me and truly see me and could not connect to or understand either of them. They were against smoking and I always smoked so I think I needed to see myself as I was and wanted to express myself to my parents through the image of a girl (me) smoking. She also has a look to her that was very much how I felt, scared, lost, confused, dissociated and as well, intense and aggressive.
The image of the women reflected off of a mirror is the singer Lauryn Hill. I loved her music and her voice and was inspired by her and listened to her music a lot at that age (14-17). This is an image from one of her C.D booklets. These are some of her lyrics from a favorite song called, "Everything is Everything."
The image of the women with no hair and in pain is the most powerful for me. I have trouble looking at it as I see so much in it that I was not aware of at the time I painted it. I see how the painting was a cathartic experience. I did this painting at the same time my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. I was afraid she may die and I was also angry that she had the disease. I was repressing my feelings and was holding all my anger in. I was told I had anger problems when I was very young and was put in anger management at age 7. I was told it was wrong to express anger but felt that I needed to explode and let out my feelings and let my true self be seen.
The painting of the two men I did in grade 12. I was struggling to graduate because I didn't attend school very often. Early on I was labelled by the teachers as a "bad" student and they said I was disruptive and that, "I asked to many questions," and that I had ADD (which I was tested for and did not have, (this term ADD is a whole other topic). I was confused but knew deep down the teachers were projecting their own inability to answer some of my questions as well as projecting their own shadow onto me. That being said I did act out a lot at school as I was in pain.
I had developed a good and honest connection with the principle at my high school as I often was sent to his office. He was one person in the school system who I felt sincerely wanted to help me to understand myself and he did what he could to help me move forward. He never labelled me or judged me and he was a good listener. He always encouraged my art and felt I had a talent. When I was a few credits short of graduating he said if I painted one more painting he would graduate me. So I painted the image of two men. I think I may have chosen the image as it represents equality and togetherness. I painted it thinking of my principle who I felt never judged me, like most of the other teachers and authority figures I had come across, and treated me as an equal. I gifted him the painting when I graduated and he hung it in his office at school.
I have since analyzed these paintings. All 4 paintings are unnamed. In retrospect they all have great meaning in my experience of myself and of the world.
The one of the girl smoking I realize now is me. I rejected my parents belief systems and was very angry that they would not look at me and truly see me and could not connect to or understand either of them. They were against smoking and I always smoked so I think I needed to see myself as I was and wanted to express myself to my parents through the image of a girl (me) smoking. She also has a look to her that was very much how I felt, scared, lost, confused, dissociated and as well, intense and aggressive.
The image of the women reflected off of a mirror is the singer Lauryn Hill. I loved her music and her voice and was inspired by her and listened to her music a lot at that age (14-17). This is an image from one of her C.D booklets. These are some of her lyrics from a favorite song called, "Everything is Everything."
The image of the women with no hair and in pain is the most powerful for me. I have trouble looking at it as I see so much in it that I was not aware of at the time I painted it. I see how the painting was a cathartic experience. I did this painting at the same time my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. I was afraid she may die and I was also angry that she had the disease. I was repressing my feelings and was holding all my anger in. I was told I had anger problems when I was very young and was put in anger management at age 7. I was told it was wrong to express anger but felt that I needed to explode and let out my feelings and let my true self be seen.
The painting of the two men I did in grade 12. I was struggling to graduate because I didn't attend school very often. Early on I was labelled by the teachers as a "bad" student and they said I was disruptive and that, "I asked to many questions," and that I had ADD (which I was tested for and did not have, (this term ADD is a whole other topic). I was confused but knew deep down the teachers were projecting their own inability to answer some of my questions as well as projecting their own shadow onto me. That being said I did act out a lot at school as I was in pain.
I had developed a good and honest connection with the principle at my high school as I often was sent to his office. He was one person in the school system who I felt sincerely wanted to help me to understand myself and he did what he could to help me move forward. He never labelled me or judged me and he was a good listener. He always encouraged my art and felt I had a talent. When I was a few credits short of graduating he said if I painted one more painting he would graduate me. So I painted the image of two men. I think I may have chosen the image as it represents equality and togetherness. I painted it thinking of my principle who I felt never judged me, like most of the other teachers and authority figures I had come across, and treated me as an equal. I gifted him the painting when I graduated and he hung it in his office at school.
