My attitude towards life

[Biomiast]

Hi to all,

As I mentioned elsewhere, I am applying for PhD positions and even though I try not to anticipate the outcome, there are a few positions that seem more appealing than the others, suitable for my choices etc. Lately, I got a few rejections from these places, and I am feeling kind of disappointed.

The reason is, I studied very hard last year, perhaps even more than I did my entire life, and I expect a desired outcome from it. I know that I shouldn't, it further blocks the energy flow. Not only that, it seems to me my attitude towards life is rather sick. I feel like saying: "Alright, I am going to work hard for something and you are going to give it to me." And if I don't get something in return, I feel cheated, deceived etc. I further run away from life not to receive any disappointment. I can get glimpses of my false behaviour mentioned in First Initiation. I think everything must happen according to my wishes etc.

I think this has to do with my upbringing that I would do something and get a reward from my family. And since Universe is not a narcissistic parent, my false self is rather disappointed with its parenting. Now thinking about it, I consider myself a trained monkey or lion who does the job and get its fix. I do not experience the full shock of it yet, but it might be coming soon as I get further rejections.

I feel like it is time for me to concentrate on this problem to better experience life. If I would run away every time something bad happens, I would feel like a child who doesn't know how to cope with life. I wanted to ask you about your experience, comments and recommended readings, I am reading Trapped in the Mirror right now which helps a little, but additional sources and directions are appreciated.

 

[aragorn]

I don't know if this is helpful, but at many occasions I've noticed that the things and skills I studied proved to be useful much later, and in completely different situations than I originally thought. Focusing on a specific outcome has never worked for me. Keeping an open mind, not anticipating, but still doing hard work has brought me better results.

 

[Mrs. Peel]

It's good that you are reading "Trapped in the Mirror" so I assume you are aware of the other psychology books too...

And all this information! ;)

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=4718.msg31032

 

[Ðekel]

hi Biomiast

what has helped me personally with non-anticipation has been reading extensively about Vairagya and internalizing the concept.
Vairagya is a concept of Hindu origin that is similar to non-attachment.
this would be a good introduction; _http://www.swamij.com/yoga-sutras-11216.htm
practice / work goes hand in hand with being unattached to specific results.

i do not adhere to any religious system myself, yet i do find that certain concepts in various ones can be quite helpful in themselves.

i hope this can be of some help for you as well.


ADMIN NOTE: disabled link

 

[Laura]

hi Biomiast

what has helped me personally with non-anticipation has been reading extensively about Vairagya and internalizing the concept.
Vairagya is a concept of Hindu origin that is similar to non-attachment.
this would be a good introduction; _http://www.swamij.com/yoga-sutras-11216.htm
practice / work goes hand in hand with being unattached to specific results.

i do not adhere to any religious system myself, yet i do find that certain concepts in various ones can be quite helpful in themselves.

i hope this can be of some help for you as well.

TP, how about just being part of the school here for awhile and stop trying to divert the purpose of this forum to other methods that we don't necessarily advocate. Otherwise, as you might guess, we would include them in our methods.

 

[Ðekel]

alright.

i was actually trying to offer another reading subject based on what has worked for me.

is that wrong ?

 

[Ðekel]

more importantly, have i somehow created the notion of attempting to divert anything towards anything else ?

i'm not being cheeky, i would just like to genuinely understand what line i have seemed to cross.

 

[Laura]

more importantly, have i somehow created the notion of attempting to divert anything towards anything else ?

i'm not being cheeky, i would just like to genuinely understand what line i have seemed to cross.

If you are familiar with the methods of Gurdjieff and those we talk about extensively here on the forum, that include gaining knowledge of the machine in specific ways that include a LOT of reading of modern cognitive science, you will understand why the way of the yogi is not considered useful.

 

[Ðekel]

Laura,

i understand.

i was however referring to a concept and not a path.

hence

Vairagya is a concept of Hindu origin that is similar to non-attachment.

and

practice / work goes hand in hand with being unattached to specific results.

and

i do not adhere to any religious system myself, yet i do find that certain concepts in various ones can be quite helpful in themselves.

i couldn't agree more that accruing knowledge is essential to self work.
but if it is the wish of the forum that foreign concepts or words not be used, then obviously i would understand that as well.

again, i just want to clear this up, not for the sake of being argumentative at all.

 

[Laura]

Thanks for the clarification. We prefer to use non-anticipation because it is religiously neutral.

 

[Ðekel]

alright.

point taken.
:)

 

[obyvatel]

Hi Biomiast,
It is a normal human reaction to feel disappointment in a situation like you have described. The good thing is you are looking deeper and using this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. The feeling of disappointment by itself may not be a problem; it is an emotion whose energy can be used productively if it does not get wasted in running thought loops questioning one's self-worth and/or anger at the system. So when the emotion arises, you could let it come up without hindrance and pay attention to your body, the accompanying physical posture and sensations of muscular tension that accompanies this feeling state. It would be like taking a mental photograph of Biomiast in this state.

In addition to the above, you could approach the thoughts which usually accompany such a state through knowledge of narcissistic wounding. If you have not already read "The Narcissistic Family" by the Pressmans, I would suggest that you take the time to read it. We usually tend to equate any perceived failure or disappointment as a rejection of our essential selves. The negative introject (term used in Trapped In the Mirror) whispers in our ears that we are a failure. This stems from a lack of solid sense of our self-worth as well as authentic self-love. This sott article on self compassion may be helpful reading in this context.

Some old memories of events related to this theme of disappointment and unworthiness may come up if you stay with the feeling and the body. Recapitulation, providing self compassion and letting the body move through any blockage by way of movement, shaking or trembling etc as described by Peter Levine in his work "In An Unspoken Voice" ( link ) may help in reaching deeper into the experience and effecting a self healing.
fwiw

 

[Biomiast]

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I thought about what you said and here is what I have been thinking past few days:

To be honest, when I wrote the post, I thought negative introject is not an issue, that I had problems of different kind. But when I began to feel emotions coming from my experiences, I realized negative introject has a deep root and I am working on it right now.

First I tried to master self compassion. I expressed my anger, sadness, frustration and desperateness and then I began to think that there are many people that are like me today. Many people can not reach their full potential because of the world we are living today, maybe they come from a third world country, maybe their parents couldn't provide them etc. I know all there is is lessons, but this just frustrates me, not because I couldn't get what I want, but because so many talented people are left in the shadows, they are not deemed worthy by the establishment. I still feel anger about this, and I am thinking what I feel could be righteous anger, that I may use this anger to fight with this unjust system. I don't know if my feelings are correct, so any comments are welcomed.

Moving on, I was reading the Wave where C's make the distinction between passion and soul questing. To give a little bit background, I am applying for positions in Switzerland specifically because my girlfriend is there. I am trying to get close to her as much as possible. The prospect of being with her was what motivated me for this past year. My success and failure is defined as how close I can get to her. I am beginning to think this is a wrong way of looking at the things.

Yesterday, I asked myself, why I want to go abroad. Is it because being close to my girlfriend which is fueled by my passion and desires, or is it something else. When I asked this question, I had a feeling that I have learned all I can in my current environment, and it was time for me to move on. This feeling was not affected by any emotion, it was simply something out there on its own. Then I had a glimpse of what C's were saying to Laura, I am simply at that part of the learning cycle that I go to somewhere else. And since this somewhere could be anywhere, I began to look at various other countries for PhD positions.

I still want to be close to my girlfriend, but fixing on that part only seems to restrict my choices and keep me where I am if I can not go to Switzerland, so I began to look at other places and let the Universe decide what It wants to do with me. I am at the beginning of these understanding, but it feels like every rejection is a road sign that says do not come here, and eventually, I will reach the place I was looking for, no matter where it may be.


To answer your questions, Aragorn, thank you for your insight, this is something I observe in myself also and I will remember this as I go along. Mrs. Peel, I have read big 5, and I am currently re-reading them. TransientP, thank you for the suggestion, I have read Bhagavad Gita before, and Hindu literature, even though containing many wisdom in it, is hard for me to grasp and apply, I need something practical. Obyvatel, thank you for self-compassion link, it was very helpful. I will concentrate on negative introject and take a look at Narcissistic Family again.

Any comments are welcomed. :)