D Rusak
Jedi Council Member
So...a lesson in self-importance happened to me the other day. I came back to the states with the exciting news about moving across the country, and made plans to get together with my best friend (I have two actually, whatever) to talk about all these things and what I missed in town over the last month. She said she had some important news too. I got a little carried away with talking about my plans with her, I think probably for a few minutes before I said, so what is your new news ? 
She said, I'm pregnant. 
I did notice that she seemed to have gained some weight, but as someone who usually was sensitive about her weight and a little heavier than average to begin with, I wasn't about to say, hey, you gained weight, you're not preggers, are you?
My immediate and constant feeling was that this is a bad idea. Her husband has said from the beginning that he does not want to have children and raise a family. He is a nice and friendly guy but not the most mature in terms of securing a living perhaps- he is a musician playing experimental jazz, reggae, weddings, etc. Super talented guy but he likes to smoke a lot and hang with the guys drinking and such, not getting into any trouble or anything but just living day by day, with little thought for the future. My friend is much more ambitious with what she would like to do with her life (she is fluent in several languages, has 2 bachelors and a master's, great people skills, organized and hard-working) but her husband does not want to move out of this town where he grew up and has many connections for work and family, to gain more job possibilities for her. She has been in a lousy job that pays maybe 30,000 a year, not terrible, but totally not using any of her talents, people are really sneaky, back-stabbing, and abusive there, etc. She just hasn't been able to get a new job even though she sends out 10-30 applications a month at least, sometimes much more.
She is very happy now that she is expecting. She had not always been certain if she wanted kids or not, she thought probably she would (she has extensive experience as an au pair). When she saw the baby on the screen at the doctor's she knew she wanted to keep it and it has been providing a source of motivation for her at work in the last month or so, which nothing in her life really had too much. I've only seen her husband once since then (he is a colleague of mine, but we haven't been on any work together since I got back) and he seems really distant and spacey. She said he was crying all day for a week or two when he found out but then stopped. She hasn't mentioned much about what he thinks now but I guess she is focusing all her attention on preparing for the baby and just getting through another couple months of work before she can take leave. I had noticed in the past few months anyway that he seemed to be getting more distant from her, I really hope there isn't a subconscious thought on her part that a baby somehow will make them closer.
I of course want to support her, and obviously I can't be like, yo, this is a bad idea, trash it. It's a human life for chrissakes!! And her decision besides, that would be the most insensitive thing I can think of. She is in for the long haul and I want to be there for her, especially if her husband is spacing out (I just have a really bad feeling about all this). However, I really know little about this- personally I don't want to have children, and perhaps as being in the arts, few of my friends or colleagues want/have had children either- most of us have no money, and we are so busy with crazy schedules and traveling! I'm going to do as much research as I can on this but I was wondering if anyone had some advice on how I can help her prepare for this situation, or the best way to be there for her. I guess there is not a whole lot that I can do but I want to be well-informed and do the best I can.
For instance, one thing is that at 3 months she has already gained more than 7 lbs. I looked at some charts and this seems way above average. Does trying to do some easy, pregnancy-friendly exercise with her seem like something that wouldn't be too offensive and helpful? We have exercised together before, so it wouldn't be the first time or anything.
She said, I'm pregnant. I did notice that she seemed to have gained some weight, but as someone who usually was sensitive about her weight and a little heavier than average to begin with, I wasn't about to say, hey, you gained weight, you're not preggers, are you?My immediate and constant feeling was that this is a bad idea. Her husband has said from the beginning that he does not want to have children and raise a family. He is a nice and friendly guy but not the most mature in terms of securing a living perhaps- he is a musician playing experimental jazz, reggae, weddings, etc. Super talented guy but he likes to smoke a lot and hang with the guys drinking and such, not getting into any trouble or anything but just living day by day, with little thought for the future. My friend is much more ambitious with what she would like to do with her life (she is fluent in several languages, has 2 bachelors and a master's, great people skills, organized and hard-working) but her husband does not want to move out of this town where he grew up and has many connections for work and family, to gain more job possibilities for her. She has been in a lousy job that pays maybe 30,000 a year, not terrible, but totally not using any of her talents, people are really sneaky, back-stabbing, and abusive there, etc. She just hasn't been able to get a new job even though she sends out 10-30 applications a month at least, sometimes much more.
She is very happy now that she is expecting. She had not always been certain if she wanted kids or not, she thought probably she would (she has extensive experience as an au pair). When she saw the baby on the screen at the doctor's she knew she wanted to keep it and it has been providing a source of motivation for her at work in the last month or so, which nothing in her life really had too much. I've only seen her husband once since then (he is a colleague of mine, but we haven't been on any work together since I got back) and he seems really distant and spacey. She said he was crying all day for a week or two when he found out but then stopped. She hasn't mentioned much about what he thinks now but I guess she is focusing all her attention on preparing for the baby and just getting through another couple months of work before she can take leave. I had noticed in the past few months anyway that he seemed to be getting more distant from her, I really hope there isn't a subconscious thought on her part that a baby somehow will make them closer.
I of course want to support her, and obviously I can't be like, yo, this is a bad idea, trash it. It's a human life for chrissakes!! And her decision besides, that would be the most insensitive thing I can think of. She is in for the long haul and I want to be there for her, especially if her husband is spacing out (I just have a really bad feeling about all this). However, I really know little about this- personally I don't want to have children, and perhaps as being in the arts, few of my friends or colleagues want/have had children either- most of us have no money, and we are so busy with crazy schedules and traveling! I'm going to do as much research as I can on this but I was wondering if anyone had some advice on how I can help her prepare for this situation, or the best way to be there for her. I guess there is not a whole lot that I can do but I want to be well-informed and do the best I can.
For instance, one thing is that at 3 months she has already gained more than 7 lbs. I looked at some charts and this seems way above average. Does trying to do some easy, pregnancy-friendly exercise with her seem like something that wouldn't be too offensive and helpful? We have exercised together before, so it wouldn't be the first time or anything.
