My own Petty Tyrants and which path to take?

C

crystalicdream

Padawan Learner
Hello,

I am not quite sure where to begin, and I want to aplogize for not being as active in this forum as I should be. It is just that I am still quite shy of writing here, doubting that what I can bring would be of use to anyone on here. At least I could provide a german translation for one documentary so far, so at least I did something.

Anyhow, the reason I opened this thread today is the following: I finally started to read "Petty Tyrants", and something just clicked within me and made me think of the Tyrants that I have faced in my own life so far.
Currently, I am somewhere in Canada, when I usually live in Europe, and I was sure that the time spent here would bring me the opportunity to reflect on many things that I can otherwise not find the time to think about. It certainly provided me with the necessary distance to think about the path where my life is headed now, thanks to the distance it put between me and my controlling mother.

And by now I am fairly certain that my mother is one of them.
I have always been wondering what my relationship to her is like - she is a narcissist, and never wanted for my brother and me to ever leave her side. She stated on numerous occasions that her ideal life would include us staying with her until old age, but the thought of staying under her roof for longer than necessary is nauseating to me and my brother. My mother has the tendency to call us on our mobile phones constantly, to check up on us if we are even one minute late. We cannot search for partners and have partners that she doesn't approve of. As a consequence, I have to keep much hidden from her. I haven't told her that I have had a girlfriend of over one year already. I visited my girlfriend while giving my mother another reason for my absence.
The point is, I often feel so much despair when thinking about how to finally start a life apart from her and on my own. I love her, since she is my mother, but on the other hand, I am so disappointed that she only shows support after the fact, after I get enough courage to venture on my own. Coming to Canada for example was met with disdain from her, and only after I got all documents in order and booked a flight on my own was she showing any inclination of support (for example by sending me clothes for the winter). All my life, I wished for her to support me in something from the start and to just have faith in me. I am in my mid twenties, yet she still treats me like a child that cannot take care of her own self.
Now, one of my questions is this: What should I do about that? Is it advisable to cut contact with her entirely at some point? I suspect that she might be an energy vampire, since everyone in our family feels kind of drained after interactions with her. In her eyes, she can do no wrong, only everybody else. Though now that I phone her from Canada, in the distance, suddenly I get along with her better. Is this just a ruse? Some sort of tactic?

I understand though that it might have been a very deliberate choice having been born to her, so that I may have an own Petty Tyrant from the start. The lesson she gives me for sure is that of learning independance even if it doesn't agree with the visions other people have for my life. The problem here is that I still haven't overcome my need to please everybody, since I was programmed from the start to put the needs of everybody else before my own and it's hard to break through that.

Other Petty Tyrants I have found was one guy that I met after breaking up with my ex-fiance. This guy seemed to be very interested in aliens and spiritual concepts and I considered him one of my better friends - until I started to receive weird phone messages written in code. These messages stated that this alien group plans to abduct and kill me, and it scared me so much back then. Until I realized the messages were coming from him and it was his weird plan to win me over and play the hero. I cut all contact with him, yet he still tries to contact me from time to time. In fact, he did shortly before I came to Canada, but I still am on a no-contact policy.
He was not the only person that put doubt into me, and finally got me to mistrust basically everyone. I stopped working in a network with others because of that, and am wondering if this was their plan all along.

Now, I am currently doing my Masters in Life Sciences, and at the end of it, I have everybody around me trying to persuade me to afterwards continue working on my PhD, which I don't feel will be beneficial to me at all. I would like to finally find a job, and settle down for a while to recuperate and gain back my strength. Hearing the accounts of people already in the PhD program and their struggles seriously makes me think if I have enough energy left to also battle on that front, and I doubt it. My best friend, who so far has acted in an uplifitng manner to me (she always did her best so that I can reach more of my potential and blossom in my life) is one of the people who suggest that I do my PhD even if I doubt it. Now, I have no idea what to do. Do these doubts come from a programming deep inside of me? Or are the people on the outside, with their suggestions, preparing some kind of trap for me? I have no idea who to trust here and how to see it all from a more objective perspective.

Thanks to everyone who posts an answer here.
 
Hi crystalicdream, first I'd like to congratulate you for deciding to overcome your shyness and network about your issues. :hug:

The Wave is a good book on how to spot and deal with draining people and relationships, and there are many other books in the Recommened Reading section of the forum that can help us learn about the many types of Narcissistic dynamics.

https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,33092.0.html

2. Narcissism "Big Five"
The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness2.1 - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self2.2 - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers: Encountering the Psychic Vampire in Ourselves & Others - Barbara E. Hort
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age2.3 - George K. Simon
Click to expand...

The psychology and cognitive science and other psych sections can also be useful, for understanding how your mind works and so to overcome the types of programming from your upbringing.

You mention that, although your mother is draining, it's been easier for you to deal with her from a distance. I personally would just keep reducing contact until it's manageable for you and your living situation. Going cold turkey no-contact can sometimes produce blowback, especially if other family members are still hypnotized, so to speak. I think you have already taken some solid steps to overcoming your petty tyrant. Sometimes it can feel like there's always more we can do to fix our emotions and our relationship with family RIGHT NOW (if not yesterday) but I think it's important to treat it as an ongoing process, and to continue to have compassion for yourself While you experiment with your new independence and boundary setting and testing. Practicing Eiriu Eolas can certainly help as well, with cumulative practice.

A lot of people on the forum are dealing with or have dealt with similar issues, and we're all rooting for you. :)
 
crystalicdream said:
The point is, I often feel so much despair when thinking about how to finally start a life apart from her and on my own. I love her, since she is my mother, but on the other hand, I am so disappointed that she only shows support after the fact, after I get enough courage to venture on my own. Coming to Canada for example was met with disdain from her, and only after I got all documents in order and booked a flight on my own was she showing any inclination of support (for example by sending me clothes for the winter). All my life, I wished for her to support me in something from the start and to just have faith in me. I am in my mid twenties, yet she still treats me like a child that cannot take care of her own self.
Now, one of my questions is this: What should I do about that? Is it advisable to cut contact with her entirely at some point?
Click to expand...

Hi crystalicdream,

You can start to make your own life. It is natural to do this after attaining maturity. That does not necessarily mean your mother is shut out of your life - but she does not get to run your life. Hopefully, your mother will accept the fact that you are your own person and have the right to have your own life. If she can do that, there is no need to cut off contact. But this is a step by step approach - no need to worry about what might happen at some later point. At present, just take action towards becoming independent - irrespective of whether your mother supports you or has faith in you. If you can do what needs to be done, then she may even develop faith in you.

[quote author=crystalicdream]
I suspect that she might be an energy vampire, since everyone in our family feels kind of drained after interactions with her. In her eyes, she can do no wrong, only everybody else. Though now that I phone her from Canada, in the distance, suddenly I get along with her better. Is this just a ruse? Some sort of tactic?
[/quote]

It could be. Or it could be a part of her is relieved that you did what you did and went ahead with your plans? The point is we do not know why others behave the way they do. Guessing may not be useful; doing what you need to do for your own development is useful. As it is said you can "act in favor of your own destiny, not against others".

[quote author=crystalicdream]
I understand though that it might have been a very deliberate choice having been born to her, so that I may have an own Petty Tyrant from the start. The lesson she gives me for sure is that of learning independance even if it doesn't agree with the visions other people have for my life. The problem here is that I still haven't overcome my need to please everybody, since I was programmed from the start to put the needs of everybody else before my own and it's hard to break through that.
[/quote]

Yes, many of us have this issue. We are social creatures and naturally look towards how others view us and try to please others. The good thing is you do not have to overcome your need to please others to start doing what you need to do to run your life. Let the need be there, acknowledge it, but do not let that need rule you. It is terrifying in the beginning to say "no" to others - but you did travel to Canada though your mother did not initially like it.


[quote author=crystalicdream]
He was not the only person that put doubt into me, and finally got me to mistrust basically everyone. I stopped working in a network with others because of that, and am wondering if this was their plan all along.
[/quote]

Trust can be of different degrees and levels and specific to an area of life. It does not have to be an all-encompassing blank check like thing. For example, you trust your doctor regarding his area of expertise; trust your professor regarding his specialization. You may have had bad experiences, but learn from them and trust wisely.

[quote author=crystalicdream]
Now, I am currently doing my Masters in Life Sciences, and at the end of it, I have everybody around me trying to persuade me to afterwards continue working on my PhD, which I don't feel will be beneficial to me at all. I would like to finally find a job, and settle down for a while to recuperate and gain back my strength. Hearing the accounts of people already in the PhD program and their struggles seriously makes me think if I have enough energy left to also battle on that front, and I doubt it. My best friend, who so far has acted in an uplifitng manner to me (she always did her best so that I can reach more of my potential and blossom in my life) is one of the people who suggest that I do my PhD even if I doubt it. Now, I have no idea what to do. Do these doubts come from a programming deep inside of me? Or are the people on the outside, with their suggestions, preparing some kind of trap for me? I have no idea who to trust here and how to see it all from a more objective perspective.
[/quote]

In my experience, the doubts about what to do in a given situation is a natural part of life. Life has uncertainty or hazard built into the very fabric of reality. If we can accept that at a deep level, we do the best we can with what we know in the present without needless agonizing. Doubts are part and parcel of our life, how much we agonize over them or let them paralyze us from taking action is up to us.

Nobody can guarantee you that doing PhD is better for you or not. People struggle with a PhD, they also struggle without one. If you love the subject and have a passion for doing in depth studies, if practical circumstances (funding etc) are favorable, then you may decide to go for it. Or there may be other factors that influence your decision.
Going down the path of thinking that people are trying to trap you without very strong evidence is a recipe for needless suffering.

Fwiw
 
Maybe it would help you with your mother, and other dynamics, to read some of the books in the Narcissism "Big Five" section? They deal with the types of problems we face because of being narcissistically wounded by family, friends and society in general, just as our parents and theirs have been through generations.

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,33092.0.html

The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness2.1 - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self2.2 - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers: Encountering the Psychic Vampire in Ourselves & Others - Barbara E. Hort
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age2.3 - George K. Simon

The Narcissistic Family and Trapped in the Mirror are really good at looking at the problems we face with family members and how to correct them. Once example is setting boundaries with whomever we need to. All of the above books help us to identify the many program we, and others, run to help us cope with life and how to overcome these programs.
 
Have you seen the knowledge and being videos yet? Especially in regards to information theory. I think it may help you with your decision. It seems to me that it all boils down to where you want to be in the near future. I wish i could help but this is all i have to offer. I hope it helps in some small way.
http://cassiopaea.org/2013/10/17/a-course-in-knowledge-and-being-part-1/
 
Hi Crystalicdream,

allow me to wish you, along with others, a happy discovery of your own nature and abilities. Sometimes, only putting a distance between you and members of your immediate environment helps to gain a clear image about the subtleties of influences.

As you have seen, by relying on your powers you become able to strengthen your wings. However, you needed initially somebody else's push to reach the feeling of having enough.

Keep going.

Mastering the self requires effort from your part. You were pushed to make a change by your mother. Now, you have to push yourself to follow the chosen path. Nobody else should be made responsible for your choices, but you. This could be scaring or uplifting.

So, go ahead and gather information. If you feel like choosing an academic carrier, think twice: you are not allowed to do as you please! You should inform yourself about the policies applied.

On the other hand, learning individually and applying it in your life, carrier, whatever is timely, could be much more interesting. I had spent 22 years studying, and most of it was just a waste of resources and time, as the curricula was poor and unrewarding. But some people prefer this.

Find out who you really are. Do you like to be tutored or do you like to be self sufficient and independent?

Best luck!
Joy
 
Hello crystalicdream, life for everyone is like this: you have a mother who births you and nurtures you to adulthood, at which point you become a free agent.
Like a bird in the nest, the fledgling must be fed and protected until at some point the parent decides that you have enough feathers to be able to fly, and then they nudge you out of the nest.
Then it's fly or fall.
Most birds fly, but some fall.
It would appear that you have already left the nest, and are ready to face the world, whatever that may confront you with.
From now on, you have to face that world and make your own decisions, using the knowledge that your parents have taught you plus some things you have picked up along the way.
Learn something new every day.
Knowledge protects!
 
Thanks so much for your replies everybody! It is helpful to know that there are so many others also on the path to discover more about themselves and the true reality. I will check out the section on the Narcissism "Big Five", as I think that I need to brush up on this topic - I lack a certain knowledge in that area still, and I want to thank you for bringing this to my awareness.

@ Musicman: Yes, this is indeed fly or fall for me. The one thing that has been difficult is that my parents and especially my mother, never really taught me the skills necessary to go out into the world. Just simple things like how to wash your own clothes, cook for yourself, those are the things that I had successfully taught myself in the last months. I cannot get rid of the suspicion that by never teaching me those things, she actually tried to keep me close to her for as long as possible. But alas, every chick will eventually grow up, whether we want them to or not.

@Shared Joy: The decision whether to go through an academic career or not it very difficult for me, as I started to realize that I have joined the scientific field, because I wanted to find the truth and hoped I would find it there. But now I am disillusioned, seeing the deception and dogmatic beliefs of the scientific circle made me realize that this is not what I have hoped it to be. Actually, the curious thing is that I felt such a surge of joy the moment I have put on a lab coat for the first time – it makes me wonder if something actually manipulated me to take this path on. So, I guess I will have to think long and hard if this is really what I want to take on in the future or not.

@davey72: No, I haven’t actually seen the video yet, but I will check it out. Thanks for sharing this with me.
 
Nienna said:
Maybe it would help you with your mother, and other dynamics, to read some of the books in the Narcissism "Big Five" section? They deal with the types of problems we face because of being narcissistically wounded by family, friends and society in general, just as our parents and theirs have been through generations.

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,33092.0.html

The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness2.1 - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self2.2 - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers: Encountering the Psychic Vampire in Ourselves & Others - Barbara E. Hort
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age2.3 - George K. Simon

The Narcissistic Family and Trapped in the Mirror are really good at looking at the problems we face with family members and how to correct them. Once example is setting boundaries with whomever we need to. All of the above books help us to identify the many program we, and others, run to help us cope with life and how to overcome these programs.
Click to expand...

The Myth of Sanity and Trapped in the Mirror gave me great guidance on how to deal with my Mother, as you described your Mother to be narcissistic and controlling, wanting to be in every part of your life... that was pretty much the same experience I had and probably many others.

The books suggested are absolutely amazing and help you come to terms with a lot of confusing pain you've endured and understand more about the dynamics of your family. It took me over a year to get over some major issues I gained from the relationship with my Mother, and I promise you IT WILL GET EASIER if you do the work.

Best of wishes crystalicdream, :)
 
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