Harold
Jedi Council Member
Hello Everybody,
I want to state here that I have very little, to no faith in the 'death care' industry.
For me this posting is really tough, I am very hesitant to share this.
In general over the years, I have avoided doctors. I have one main reason for this, and many other smaller reasons. I am hesitant to share about my health, as I have had much resistance from the outside world regarding what it is I see when I look at the health care/death care industry. So I have taken it upon myself to be solely responsible for my health. I basically avoid doctors, except in cases of physical trauma. And even in these situations I do as much as I can on my own. Too, there is/has been a real decline in 'death care' in my province, and it is hard enough to find a doctor, not to mention a good one.
For example last summer, I had a (approximately 8"s circumference) chemical burn on my leg. Under pressure to produce, (not thinking about my health) I stuck a rag of paint remover solvent in my pocket on a hot day, for at least about 4 hours. This caused a 2nd degree burn, I still have dis-coloration in the area to this day. I could not walk, or wear anything over it. All the skin was blistering and falling off, it was very ugly to look at.
About 4 days to a week later, I visited a doctor, as it really hurt, and looked very bad. She checked it out, said it was going to be ok. She too mentioned several times how well I took care of it. Even stopping in the hall on my way out to repeat how well I took care of it. I only have basic first aid, and my own common sense, but it has worked for me all these years.
One other reason, I avoid talking about disease and pain. Is I don't want to feed the machine of negative thinking. I have a slight tendency towards worry, I come from a family that worries about everything. My attitude about manifesting what I think about is the major reason for this.
OK..... (breath Harold.... here goes!) the main reason is, years ago, I was diagnosed with a disease, that has a huge social stigma surrounding it. I can't even bring myself to speak of it here on the forum, as I (guess I) am still traumatised by how I was and am treated.
A doctor, whom I was trying to build a professional relationship with, told me after some tests, he walked into the room, opened my chart, started to read, a smile came over his face, he said 'huh', looked up at me with a silly stupid grim, that I still want to smack off his face to this day, and said, 'oh, you have such n' such'. Which was basically a painfully slow death sentence of approximately 10 years. That was about 15 years ago(approximately). I was lucky enough to find a really great doctor after that, who referred me to a top physician in the world, in this field. I went on an experimental kemo, I eventually went into 100% remission, and have not looked back.
Ok, I am getting very uncomfortable here, as I begin to dredge this all up again. It is very painful for me to do this. (bahhhh.....haaaaa..... thats better)
So back to my story. During these years, and just before I started my treatment, I fell in love, with a doctor from the Pyrenees in Spain. We met skiing one day, were friends for a couple months and then started a relationship. She was in Canada doing cancer research at the Princess Margaret hospital, a prominent hospital internationally, in the cancer field. She was here over about a 3 year period. I look back and see that she was sort of clueless about my disease, at the time I rationalized it by telling myself it wasn't her field. We made plans to be together.... forever..... get married, all that, and a bag of chips.
I quit my job, went to University in preparation for moving to the Pyrenees. I had to upgrade my high-school, take pre university courses and then attended my 1st year of university. In that year, I took approximately a dozen courses there abouts. This is allot for a person who had no idea even how to study, as I was always dropping out of high school to go sailing as a teen. I was a very troubled youth too. But that is for another time.
This educational experience, I look back on very fondly, it was so great for me. Financially it cost me all of my retirement savings I had at the time, which, for my age was quite substantial. I was in the Matrix at the time, home owner and all, I was a hot shot executive account manager of software development projects. How does a high school drop out achieve this? Well I started as a executive headhunter, I went into representing contractors, after a while I had a 'stable' of top Electrical Engineers and began to just bid on whole projects. All this to please everyone around me, as sales was sucking on my soul. I am so glad to have left that behind.
Ok, (bahhhh... haaaa) so during this time at school, I began this treatment process. I finished my year, and began to focus on my health. I had no choice. My girlfriend was supportive, but seemed clueless. She came to my appointments early in the process, but her research had ended, and she went back to Spain. We tried a long term relationship, I was about to start this therapy, I remember minimizing my disease and treatment to her, or so I thought, as this was part of my excuse as to why she left me.
This whole period is very foggy, I would sleep for very long periods, sometimes up to 40 hours. At least 16 hours a day. The kemo was a year long ordeal, not your intense kemo, but a slow and still difficult one. But my test results were great right off the bat, so I got allot of support from my specialist's staff.
One I day went to a garage sale, they were selling my stuff! I couldn't figure out how they my got my stuff. My apartment was half empty, it was nuts and so was I. A (not all that great, who pretends to be a great) friend who I employed during my treatment, as I started a business to free up my time, I sold my house, bought a fixer upper, got some (not so great, aside from one) partners, and began a property development company. Two partners were(unbeknownst to me) professional criminals, one was a (I found this out after it was too late) lieutenant in a biker gang. I found this out one day when it was his turn to chip in his 37 grand. Three weeks later, and not paying my crew, I went to visit him, he had a mad dog waiting for me, (I made the mistake of calling him a old goof, which is really bad in their circles). They tried to hurt me but I was faster than their bats and fists, I was running around with two phones, in one ear was another partner, in the other ear was my lawyer. I got the cash that day, but we all ended up being fleeced by these two guys, and I had lost all my savings(for school to keep my girl), home(through this ordeal) and was basically penniless. But during this, my pretend friend, lived in my apartment for free, he did not ever pay any bill or rent, as he was doing me the favor of watching my place, while I moved in with my sister, as I was too sick to live on my own.
All n' all the treatment ended, I moved back into my place, my new business gone, all I had worked hard for gone, but I had my health back, I had a job building a private museum(very interesting story in itself), a month later, I unfortunately met my future ex-wife on this work site.(a whole other soul sucking ordeal)
This is a little about me to give some context regarding this post.
Basically I avoid discussing disease, especially cancer. I will not involve myself in a conversation about this. In the presence of my family 98% of the time for sure. It is all the older folks talk about, how this or that is wrong with them. They take all the pills, doctors are gods to them and so fourth.
Anyways, this morning, I woke up and noticed that one of my pupils was larger than the other, just a little, but it was noticeable, I've been checking it all morning, it is looking normal now, but it lasted for ...... mmmm..... maybe a half hour to an hour. I think I slept on it funny maybe. I do not know.
Any support or suggestions would be helpful.
;D
cheers,
Harold
PS. After reading 'The Wave' I have wondered if this experience was an attack on me, to not let me move to the Pyrenees, take all my money, try to kill me and so fourth.
Too when I look at my life in the context of the 'Wave', it has been attack after attack.
Even now, I have taken the time to write this message on my word processor, take my time, it just got blown away, when I posted it , and now I am having to do it all over again. I started to get angry, but I calmed down, and have redone it a second time. It wasn't that bad only half got blown away.
OK... it has happened again, it is really bugging me, I'm trying to post a third time.
I want to state here that I have very little, to no faith in the 'death care' industry.
For me this posting is really tough, I am very hesitant to share this.
In general over the years, I have avoided doctors. I have one main reason for this, and many other smaller reasons. I am hesitant to share about my health, as I have had much resistance from the outside world regarding what it is I see when I look at the health care/death care industry. So I have taken it upon myself to be solely responsible for my health. I basically avoid doctors, except in cases of physical trauma. And even in these situations I do as much as I can on my own. Too, there is/has been a real decline in 'death care' in my province, and it is hard enough to find a doctor, not to mention a good one.
For example last summer, I had a (approximately 8"s circumference) chemical burn on my leg. Under pressure to produce, (not thinking about my health) I stuck a rag of paint remover solvent in my pocket on a hot day, for at least about 4 hours. This caused a 2nd degree burn, I still have dis-coloration in the area to this day. I could not walk, or wear anything over it. All the skin was blistering and falling off, it was very ugly to look at.
About 4 days to a week later, I visited a doctor, as it really hurt, and looked very bad. She checked it out, said it was going to be ok. She too mentioned several times how well I took care of it. Even stopping in the hall on my way out to repeat how well I took care of it. I only have basic first aid, and my own common sense, but it has worked for me all these years.
One other reason, I avoid talking about disease and pain. Is I don't want to feed the machine of negative thinking. I have a slight tendency towards worry, I come from a family that worries about everything. My attitude about manifesting what I think about is the major reason for this.
OK..... (breath Harold.... here goes!) the main reason is, years ago, I was diagnosed with a disease, that has a huge social stigma surrounding it. I can't even bring myself to speak of it here on the forum, as I (guess I) am still traumatised by how I was and am treated.
A doctor, whom I was trying to build a professional relationship with, told me after some tests, he walked into the room, opened my chart, started to read, a smile came over his face, he said 'huh', looked up at me with a silly stupid grim, that I still want to smack off his face to this day, and said, 'oh, you have such n' such'. Which was basically a painfully slow death sentence of approximately 10 years. That was about 15 years ago(approximately). I was lucky enough to find a really great doctor after that, who referred me to a top physician in the world, in this field. I went on an experimental kemo, I eventually went into 100% remission, and have not looked back.
Ok, I am getting very uncomfortable here, as I begin to dredge this all up again. It is very painful for me to do this. (bahhhh.....haaaaa..... thats better)
So back to my story. During these years, and just before I started my treatment, I fell in love, with a doctor from the Pyrenees in Spain. We met skiing one day, were friends for a couple months and then started a relationship. She was in Canada doing cancer research at the Princess Margaret hospital, a prominent hospital internationally, in the cancer field. She was here over about a 3 year period. I look back and see that she was sort of clueless about my disease, at the time I rationalized it by telling myself it wasn't her field. We made plans to be together.... forever..... get married, all that, and a bag of chips.
I quit my job, went to University in preparation for moving to the Pyrenees. I had to upgrade my high-school, take pre university courses and then attended my 1st year of university. In that year, I took approximately a dozen courses there abouts. This is allot for a person who had no idea even how to study, as I was always dropping out of high school to go sailing as a teen. I was a very troubled youth too. But that is for another time.
This educational experience, I look back on very fondly, it was so great for me. Financially it cost me all of my retirement savings I had at the time, which, for my age was quite substantial. I was in the Matrix at the time, home owner and all, I was a hot shot executive account manager of software development projects. How does a high school drop out achieve this? Well I started as a executive headhunter, I went into representing contractors, after a while I had a 'stable' of top Electrical Engineers and began to just bid on whole projects. All this to please everyone around me, as sales was sucking on my soul. I am so glad to have left that behind.
Ok, (bahhhh... haaaa) so during this time at school, I began this treatment process. I finished my year, and began to focus on my health. I had no choice. My girlfriend was supportive, but seemed clueless. She came to my appointments early in the process, but her research had ended, and she went back to Spain. We tried a long term relationship, I was about to start this therapy, I remember minimizing my disease and treatment to her, or so I thought, as this was part of my excuse as to why she left me.
This whole period is very foggy, I would sleep for very long periods, sometimes up to 40 hours. At least 16 hours a day. The kemo was a year long ordeal, not your intense kemo, but a slow and still difficult one. But my test results were great right off the bat, so I got allot of support from my specialist's staff.
One I day went to a garage sale, they were selling my stuff! I couldn't figure out how they my got my stuff. My apartment was half empty, it was nuts and so was I. A (not all that great, who pretends to be a great) friend who I employed during my treatment, as I started a business to free up my time, I sold my house, bought a fixer upper, got some (not so great, aside from one) partners, and began a property development company. Two partners were(unbeknownst to me) professional criminals, one was a (I found this out after it was too late) lieutenant in a biker gang. I found this out one day when it was his turn to chip in his 37 grand. Three weeks later, and not paying my crew, I went to visit him, he had a mad dog waiting for me, (I made the mistake of calling him a old goof, which is really bad in their circles). They tried to hurt me but I was faster than their bats and fists, I was running around with two phones, in one ear was another partner, in the other ear was my lawyer. I got the cash that day, but we all ended up being fleeced by these two guys, and I had lost all my savings(for school to keep my girl), home(through this ordeal) and was basically penniless. But during this, my pretend friend, lived in my apartment for free, he did not ever pay any bill or rent, as he was doing me the favor of watching my place, while I moved in with my sister, as I was too sick to live on my own.
All n' all the treatment ended, I moved back into my place, my new business gone, all I had worked hard for gone, but I had my health back, I had a job building a private museum(very interesting story in itself), a month later, I unfortunately met my future ex-wife on this work site.(a whole other soul sucking ordeal)
This is a little about me to give some context regarding this post.
Basically I avoid discussing disease, especially cancer. I will not involve myself in a conversation about this. In the presence of my family 98% of the time for sure. It is all the older folks talk about, how this or that is wrong with them. They take all the pills, doctors are gods to them and so fourth.
Anyways, this morning, I woke up and noticed that one of my pupils was larger than the other, just a little, but it was noticeable, I've been checking it all morning, it is looking normal now, but it lasted for ...... mmmm..... maybe a half hour to an hour. I think I slept on it funny maybe. I do not know.
Any support or suggestions would be helpful.
;Dcheers,
Harold
PS. After reading 'The Wave' I have wondered if this experience was an attack on me, to not let me move to the Pyrenees, take all my money, try to kill me and so fourth.
Too when I look at my life in the context of the 'Wave', it has been attack after attack.
Even now, I have taken the time to write this message on my word processor, take my time, it just got blown away, when I posted it , and now I am having to do it all over again. I started to get angry, but I calmed down, and have redone it a second time. It wasn't that bad only half got blown away.
OK... it has happened again, it is really bugging me, I'm trying to post a third time.
... how do they look? is one bigger than the other?...lol... thanks for your concern though 
