Need Advice on How to Help a friend

webglider

Dagobah Resident
A few days ago, the land line phone rang. I never answer that phone, but I keep it just in case cell phone service goes down. I usually let the home phone ring. All the people with whom I want to speak know to call my cell phone.

Whoever was calling me this time was very persistent, but I still didn't pick up. After awhile the phone finally stopped ringing. However, after a few minutes, I heard knocking on my door. This was very unusual, and after a moment of thought, I went to the door and asked who it was. I was totally not expecting the person who responded. I hadn't seen him for about six or seven years.

I live in an apartment building, in which he used to work. He had come to New York fleeing Kosovo, and had gotten a job as the handyman, or as we say in NYC, the "super" of the building. He had been a student of architecture in Kosovo, but the situation there made it impossible for him to get certified. He came to New York to start a better life for his family and himself.

We became friends. HIs niece and my daughter became close friends. We helped each other; I helped him with English and found a job for his sister-in-law in a nursery school which was the profession she had trained for Everyone really appreciated him. But for me, he was really special and kind. There was a time when I was unable to walk - I had shattered my ankle in a bad fall, and I was too scared to use crutches. He helped me do errands by pushing my wheelchair when he had finished his work. He helped my daughter with an art project.

I had received money from my health insurance policy and decided to do some work on my apartment, I hired him. His work was amazing. He removed non supporting walls and the apartment suddenly became so much lighter and beautiful than it had been before. He installed a new kitchen for me. We would always talk usually about politics. I always knew that he missed his country and I was not surprised when he told me one day that he was going home. I was happy for him. His wife was not happy here, and his little children were not being raised in the way he wanted them to be.

After he left, we hired another "super" this time also someone from Kososvo. He too became my friend; He is a very smart man with a lot of experience in a lot of different areas. I am preparing to help his wife pass the U.S. Citizenship Test. He supports, in addition to his wife, two little boys and his mom who is recovering from a stroke.

He is not, however, as skilled as the previous super, and not as fastidious about keeping the building as clean as it had been. The coop board, of which I am a member and the only woman, is made of businessmen mostly mangers of some company or other. The dissatisfaction has reached a level that worries me - they are still always comparing him to previous super who had returned home. I keep defending him, so the guys on the board asked me if I would take responsibility for upgrading the level of his work I said yes, and then I spoke to him. I never understood why they didn't speak to him themselves or why the management company for which he works is not supervising him ad holding him to a higher standard.

I told him to keep a diary of everything he does, and to make sure that the floors were clean throughout the building. That's the part that seems to be of most concern. As of now, the floors are gleaming.. I set up a meeting in which I asked everyone to list their concerns and suggestions. That's the best I can do.

So getting back to the knocking on my door - it went on and on until I finally answered it. I could not believe that it was the first super, the one we had before, who had come to visit me. Something must be really wrong, if he came to me. And while I was worrying about the present super I was worried about the other.

I have work that I'd like done in my house; and I would hire the former architect/super in a heartbeat, but
a few scenarios run through my mind - one being his return would perhaps lead to the board firing the present super. Seeing that he was available just might lead to that scenario,

I want to help both of them, but I don't know what to do. The former super needs a job. I didn't ask, but it was obvious to me that that must have been why he came to me. I can not forget how tired he looked, and how disappointed. I was really sick that day, was not thinking clearly, and did not invite him in.I feel bad about that. I am not a spontaneous person. I have to have time to think things through. I was not at my best.
One of my friends suggested that he might drive a cab. He probably, though, would want the same job he had before, perhaps in another building. Rents are really out of control in NYC and if he got into the right building, he could possibly have an apartment for free.

Any suggestions or responses would be much appreciated.
 
Hi webglider,

Quite a story you told us. You've got writing talent, for sure.

As to your question: there's considerable data missing for me to have a go at an advice just now, I think.

First off, you haven't spoken to the guy who came back nor to the guy who is your current 'super' about what they want -- which would be paramount (in my view) to know first, just in order to be able to decide whether you would be in a position to actually help them with anything. Now it seems to me you want to be of service regardless, without really knowing what both of them actually need or are asking for. Maybe they need something you cannot provide?

Would you like to help the returned super anyway in short term no matter what, then I would suggest let him do the work on your house and use the opportunity to talk things over while he's doing that job in order to get a grip on his other problems and take the rest from there.

You still would have to talk to the other guy as well before making any decision but you would have more data to rely on and more time to think things over and to organize as well.

My tuppence. FWIW.
 
From reading your story. I don't understand what the 1st super wants. Did I miss something?

If he is your friend and you care for him, it seems like you ought to find out what he thinks he needs, and then as a friend, evaluate if you can help or not. It was not clear to me if the 1st super actually expressed his needs in a reasonably clear fashion when he showed up at your house. Also, why did you not invite him in?

I don't mean the question as a criticism. I mean to say that maybe you are not so close to him as you thought if your immediate reaction was not to invite him in. Or maybe you have some weird feeling about him?

In any case, is it kosher to fire the current super just to give someone else the job unless the performance of the current super is clearly substandard? There are certainly people who could make the decision to bring the former super back just because he did his job better, and I can't necessarily argue with that thought process.

I get it though. In this situation, you essentially have to deliver bad news to someone. That would seem to be a difficult task. I suppose I must ask if your confusion in this situation is based on not wanting to be the messenger.
 
quote from Palinurus:

First off, you haven't spoken to the guy who came back nor to the guy who is your current 'super' about what they want -- which would be paramount (in my view) to know first, just in order to be able to decide whether you would be in a position to actually help them with anything. Now it seems to me you want to be of service regardless, without really knowing what both of them actually need or are asking for. Maybe they need so for himmething you cannot provide?

Thank you Palinurus for pointing out the most logical course of action which is to initiated some conversations. Even without a conversation, it's clear to me that the present super wants to keep his job. I've already spoken to him about what he needs to do, and there is nothing more that I need to say. He will be able to speak to all of us at the meeting I've set up.

I called the former super who now has his architecture license, but there are protocols that he needs to go through that before he can practice. I offered to help him with any paperwork he might need. I also suggested that he join a local food coop which has 16,000 members. Once he is a member, he can advertise in the coop newspaper. I would provide a reference
for him. Once he gets started, I'm sure his clients would recommend him.

I really thank you for urging me to talk to him. I was really sick the day he showed up, and I wasn't as gracious as I could have been. That was all taken care in today's phone call. It was really good to talk to him.

quote from Patience:

If he is your friend and you care for him, it seems like you ought to find out what he thinks he needs, and then as a friend, evaluate if you can help or not. It was not clear to me if the 1st super actually expressed his needs in a reasonably clear fashion when he showed up at your house. Also, why did you not invite him in?

You're absolutely right, Patience. I think I was so awkward because I had all these scenarios running through my head. I was worried about the present super, and the criticisms I keep hearing from the other board members at our meetings. I tend to do that, try to arrange things so that everything will turn out well. It's a real problem that I need to work on. I need to find out the facts before coming to any conclusions and accept that there is only so much that is under my direct control.


I am trying to find a way that I can hire him to do some work for me in my apartment.. It's kind of awkward though, as everyone on the board really liked him, and at meetings they always draw negative comparisons between him and the present super, so I think it's probably not a good idea - at least not for now.



I was really clear with the present super that his job could be at stake and gave him some suggestions about what to do. I think I've done everything approriate that can be done at this point.

quote from Patience:

I get it though. In this situation, you essentially have to deliver bad news to someone. That would seem to be a difficult task. I suppose I must ask if your confusion in this situation is based on not wanting to be the messenger.

This was a large reason for my discomfort, but it didn't turn out that way. Both you and Palinurus, by suggesting that I talk to him helped me break through the confusion I was experiencing helped he resolve this issue in a positive way.

Thank you both.
 
Hi webglider,

Being in that line of business myself I would think that if he got himself on file with some managing agents he might be able to get back into a building somewhere especially with his credentials. If you, being a board member, write him a letter of reference that would definitely be a bonus for him. Usually people in this line of work all belong to the Union (32bj) and he could always touch base with them to see what's available too. As a matter of fact the Union offers training classes to certify people for whatever field their interested in. He might be able to get certified for his architecture through them though I'm not sure how long something like that might take.
 
quote from Pete:

Being in that line of business myself I would think that if he got himself on file with some managing agents he might be able to get back into a building somewhere especially with his credentials. If you, being a board member, write him a letter of reference that would definitely be a bonus for him. Usually people in this line of work all belong to the Union (32bj) and he could always touch base with them to see what's available too. As a matter of fact the Union offers training classes to certify people for whatever field their interested in. He might be able to get certified for his architecture through them though I'm not sure how long something like that might take.

Lots of good information here - thank you Pete.

quote from Pete:

If you, being a board member, write him a letter of reference that would definitely be a bonus for him.

I will definitely write him a letter of recommendation! It will be a very easy letter to write.

quote from Pete:

Usually people in this line of work all belong to the Union (32bj) and he could always touch base with them to see what's available too.

As a teacher, I automatically become a member of the UFT, (United Federation of Teachers), but I had to have been hired by a school firest. Does 32bj work the same way?

When my friend worked in this building, he was not part of a union, but we did provide health insurance for him and his family. After he left, the current super asked about the possibilty of joining a union and when I brought that up at the following meeting You wouldn't believe the negative reaction I got from our management company and the guys on the board. I was able, though, to get him health insurance for himself and his family though using the the coverage we provided for the previous super as a precedent for providing coverage for the current one.

From that experience, I wonder if it would frighten off potential employers if he applies for a job as a union member. What do you think?

I really appreciate your bringing the possibility of union affiliation to my attention Pete. That would be a really good thing for him, I think.
 
webglider said:
As a teacher, I automatically become a member of the UFT, (United Federation of Teachers), but I had to have been hired by a school firest. Does 32bj work the same way?

I'm not positive but most likely, yes. That's the way I joined too so maybe if he checked with some managing agents he'd be better off. He could still let them know he'd prefer a unionized building but that anything will do for now.

webglider said:
When my friend worked in this building, he was not part of a union, but we did provide health insurance for him and his family. After he left, the current super asked about the possibilty of joining a union and when I brought that up at the following meeting You wouldn't believe the negative reaction I got from our management company and the guys on the board. I was able, though, to get him health insurance for himself and his family though using the the coverage we provided for the previous super as a precedent for providing coverage for the current one.

From that experience, I wonder if it would frighten off potential employers if he applies for a job as a union member. What do you think?

There should be no reason for a potential employer to be afraid of that as far as I can see. As a matter of fact a potential employer might gain a valuable asset if the employee has already been trained and certified by the union for certain heating systems, fire safety, etc..


webglider said:
I really appreciate your bringing the possibility of union affiliation to my attention Pete. That would be a really good thing for him, I think.

Me too. :) I do wish him the best of luck!
 
I just got off the phone with my friend. I passed on all the information you sent me. He sounded very positive and encouraged.

Thank you so much, Pete.
 
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