Need advise and insight.

[luke wilson]

Hi, never done this before in my whole life i.e. post on a forum or ask people I dont know for help or advise so please bear with me. I am also pretty new to this site and the subjects being discussed here so that as i write this right now I am feeling abit nervous abit like that feeling of the first day in school when you dont know anyone or the dynamics of how people interact in that school.
Anyways, I have been reading through most of the posts and topics here and as i currently have a problem in my life, one that i cant seem to figure out by myself and it seems like a strange problem to have, so much that I cant really speak to anyone i know about, i felt this was a good place to seek some insight. Its to do with the whole subject of being emotionally attached to someone that you really shouldnt be.

Currently I have feelings for this girl that I really shouldnt have as A) we are just friends and poor ones at that, B) She has a boyfriend , C) We have a different outlook on life in a weird way- this gets even weirder as in some aspects we are not at all different, like we like the same sort of things and certain aspects of our personality compliment eachother, however, our method of doing things are completely different, to use a metaphor she might aswell be a neo conservative and I might aswell be a socialist. It might seem like a trivial problem to have, I thought so at first but now its ballooned into something I cant shake off and I can not figure out why. Basically, our meeting was coincidental, infact alot of things about our relationship is coincidental and not really planned and that is part of the problem. For example, I first met her randomly in line for a show, then started this new job acouple of days later and she was working there in the same department as me doing the same sort of stuff. Then as a result of having met randomly and all of a sudden working together we became friends - acouple of weeks down the line we also came to realize we have acouple of mutual friends aswell. Our friendship was abit weird because as we are 2 people with completely different outlook on life, we wouldnt have been friends if certain 'coincidences' hadnt occured. Its abit of a forced friendship, like we are friends because we cannot be anything else as we work together and have the same pool of friends at work and also get along despite certain differences. I think she knows this as recently she has been avoiding me, atleast thats how it looks like from my perspective. However, on occassion when we are with friends, we get along quite nicely to the point where an outside looker might think we were more than, however, other times she completely ignores me like I might aswell be empty space. Its like certain aspects work to bring us together and certain aspects work to do the opposite - feels like you are the rope in a game of tag of war. Bottom line is, at best our relationship can only be proffesional and nuthing but. So why am I emotionally attached to her? Why dispite the logic are my emotions running wild? And how can I begin to put out the fire and go to a state where my view of her is indifferent which is where I want to be? :/

This is a problem for me as its starting to affect other areas of my life. For example, during my teen years, I wasnt really into being in a relationship and having a girlfriend despite everyones obsession with it - i am in my early twenties now. I had this image in my head of what I considered attractive and how the perfect girl should look - i know, shallow but its due to constantly being told whats hot and what is not. Anyways, now all this views have been broken down one by one as this girl doesnt fit any of this and somehow I find myself gravitating towards her. Obviously if she was single I would have attempted(probably failed) and tried to take it further but she is not. So when I try and rationalize it, the fact that she isnt what I was looking for in a girl and she has a boyfriend, I wouldnt/shouldnt have developed this emotions. I took it as a lesson and I think I have learned not to shape my views on the world based on what you hear on Tv and popular culture despite growing up in an environment where this is drummed into you pretty much on a regular basis. Now I want to move on but i am finding it hard. What makes it even harder is that if i am consciously trying to socialise with other girls I find my mind creeping back to her. This is definately not a good sign. How can I set myself free? And no, the solution can not involve me talking to her about this stuff. That would be a death sentence.

 

[Vulcan59]

Hi luke wilson,

For members to give you advice, we first got to know you a little better. So welcome to the forum. :) We usually recommend all new members to post an introduction in the Newbies section telling us a bit about themselves, and how they found their way here. Have a read through that section to get an idea of how others have done it. Thanks.

 

[luke wilson]

Thanks. Done it.

 

[JonnyRadar]

So why am I emotionally attached to her? Why dispite the logic are my emotions running wild? And how can I begin to put out the fire and go to a state where my view of her is indifferent which is where I want to be?

Hi Luke,

To nail down the exact reason of why you're so emotionally attached would be difficult, not knowing all the details and such, however one of the reasons is certainly because you're a man. You've grown up in this world, been given your opinions, desires, fears etc. by culture, your parents, and society. Everything around us (as men, specifically) pulls us towards ownership of women, physical desire, and a fulfillment of basic things that are real enough, but not really real.

This also plays into why your emotions are running wild despite the logic. Personally, I have found that men in general tend to think things through intellectually before approaching the emotional side of things. Your logic tells you what should be, yet your emotions are in conflict. This may be because the emotions haven't had time to sink in, in harmony with the intellectual side of things. You can know, in your mind, all you want... But until you know and feel the same thing, those two sides will be in conflict with each other.

There's a lot of material here that can help you with understanding this kind of situation, but it will take effort on your part. If you want to pursue understanding of what lies below these issues, you will have to meet the information half-way. That is to say, you have to put in a certain amount of energy into asking the question before it begins to turn into an answer. It requires patience.

And how can I begin to put out the fire...

This is where I would suggest taking a step back. The fire may not need to be "put out." You can utilize that fire to make a real inner transformation, to get yourself to that place you're speaking of. The crux of the issue, I think, is that most of us do not know who we truly are. We do not know our true selves, and so when we say "I want," there's a bit of a roadblock there because we don't really know who the "I" is. We are made up of many different "I's", each one with it's own desires, fears, etc... and they live within us in a constant state of conflict.

Overall, I would suggest taking it slow. See this woman as a soul, not necessarily as a woman. Where you feel confusion, she probably does too. Where you feel fear, the same applies... When she seems like she's ignoring you, she is most likely experiencing the same kind of turbulence that you are. We, as men, don't understand women, we've just gotta face that fact. We may be able to, some day, but for now - applying our inner opinions and assumptions onto women only leads to more confusion, because her inner world does not match up with your inner world. She has considerations, fears, opinions, and all of those things that are totally different from yours. So, if you truly feel a connection with this woman, consider that you've met each other in this life for certain reasons, and those reasons will only become clear later - not now - and the reasons will probably not match up with what you think they may be.

Have patience, and take some time. I have found for myself, in this (almost) same kind of situation, that going completely 180 degrees - and doing the opposite of what everything in me screams that I should do - is usually beneficial. This exercise makes that fire you spoke of even stronger, but it's worth it to hang on through the process, because when you apply some effort to understanding the way you work as a human being - and I mean really apply some effort - understanding will come slowly but surely, little bits at a time. Also read and study while you're in this process, it can be extremely detrimental to just sit and try to think it through on your own. As is said many times on this forum - you cannot think with the way you think.

For the moment, check this essay out - Boris Mouravieff: Polar Opposites, or the Fifth Way of Love by Laura Knight-Jadczyk. Reading this has helped me in so many ways to approach an understanding of the mechanics of Love, how it works, what is real attraction and what is not, and how to take time with really asking the question of yourself.

I would also suggest checking out the reading material that Vulcan59 posted for you in your introduction post. Like I said, the material here can be an immense help, but you've gotta put the time into checking it out and digesting it...

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[luke wilson]

Thanks for the insight jonny. :)

To nail down the exact reason of why you're so emotionally attached would be difficult, not knowing all the details and such, however one of the reasons is certainly because you're a man. You've grown up in this world, been given your opinions, desires, fears etc. by culture, your parents, and society. Everything around us (as men, specifically) pulls us towards ownership of women, physical desire, and a fulfillment of basic things that are real enough, but not really real.

I myself have tried and nailed the reasons down but I cant quite seem to. Acouple of months ago, I made the conscious decision that everytime I go out with my friends I will try and socialise with girls in the aim of getting a girlfriend in the classic sense. As I really hadnt played the boy - girl game in my teens, I broke down my task into manageable pieces as I found it to be quite the task to just strike up a conversation with a random person and somehow try and generate something out of nuthing. Needless to say I am currently not playing this game anymore as I dont think i'll get what I want this way (not to also mention in away its almost like deceiving the girl into liking you and one can only carry a deception for too long) as i realized chances are whatever is generated would be superficial and wont last - atleast thats the impression I got. Another conscious effort that I also made was just to chat more to people I didnt necessarily know just to increase my social and conversational skills. It was as a result of all this that led to that 1st meeting in that I didnt speak to her because I wanted to get with her (she wasnt the kind of girl I went out to try and somehow seduce if I am to use that term) but instead it was the que and we were getting squashed together and just decided to say hi and end up having abit of a chit chat for acouple of minutes - the old me wouldnt have uttered a word. When we started working together I saw her as just another person but eventually this emotions started to sneek up on me over a period of time and it seemed like I was powerless to stop them. Anyways it made me question alot about myself. However, I dont see her as an item to be had, infact to the contrary, I am almost afraid of her as she seems to have this power over me (without even her trying, knowing or wanting to) which is scary - made even that more scary that I dont seem to have any over her. Anyways to cut a long story short, I am still single, I am no longer actively seeking a girlfriend as it has dawned on me that you cant start a relationship just through physical attraction and so as I am not that guy who has girls who are friends and share common interests it appears i'll be remaining single atleast for the forseable future regardless of all the work I had put in to getting out of singles-ville. You can also imagine my horroh after reading that essay which turned out not to be an essay but a mini-book and being met with all this new concepts that I am having problems understanding exactly what they mean. Just Great!! Atleast I feel better now knowing that there is someone for everyone - atleast thats one of the things I took from the essay, i hope thats the right interpretation because I'd hate to go through all this life alone - it would also be a cruel joke if i met my 'soulmate' when i am 80yrs old.

Instead, now that I have found this place and the wealth of information/knowledge it has, I'll instead put my effort into reading and trying to understand what it all means. Hopefully get somewhere in the process but i am not crossing my fingers this will actually change my life but just maybe provide intellectual sustenance for the short-term eventhough I want real change, something that just keeps eluding me. With regards to my dealings with her, well it appears am just gonna have to endure and hope the fire doesnt serve to burn me but maybe somehow end up being constructive. If I am to be completely honest, this is so very uncool. Why cant life just be like one long holiday where one has no problems or worries. You can just imagine how my optimism has gone straight through the roof with the discovery that, there is more work to be done inorder to get to that place maybe where life becomes great - whatever that even looks like I have no idea. Oh well, one can only hope that one day someone can only look upon his life and say "I somehow made it through alive" but i fear I wont be one such person knowing my luck. But hey, here I was thinking aliens were not real, turns out not only might they be real but there might be more than one type of them plus a tree and some stairways to God knows where, life might just keep on repeating itself on a loop and am currently busy trying to find the master of my coach - well I can only hope that my coach and horses are still you know, intact and in full pursuit of this elusive master. Not to mention the horroh that somehow if I dont, I somehow not only condemn myself but my 'soulmate' as well, whoever and wherever she is I hope she is having better luck . Just dont feel like I have the mental capacity to process and deal with all this... I am keeping an open mind though.

Just out of curiosity as i was reading through Boris Mouravieff: Polar Opposites, or the Fifth Way of Love by Laura Knight-Jadczyk. I came across many terms that I hadnt any clue about there meaning. I used the glossary but I cant find the definition of what a C is. Can someone please tell me who the C's are??

 

[1984]

Just out of curiosity as i was reading through Boris Mouravieff: Polar Opposites, or the Fifth Way of Love by Laura Knight-Jadczyk. I came across many terms that I hadnt any clue about there meaning. I used the glossary but I cant find the definition of what a C is. Can someone please tell me who the C's are??

Hi luke wilson - you can read an excerpt about the C's (Cassiopeans) here on the Cassiopedia site. You will also find definitions to many terms used here. It's a very informative tool. :)