Need help and mirror please

[emmanuel]

First of all I want to say, that is very difficult to me, what I am doing now. Expose myself. Or what I think that is "myself". All my life I been hiding in my inner world. My life is the same pattern.Even now is hard to me wright because my thoughts running wild in all directions from one topic to another and I always have problem to focus myself to one topic, so be patient with me, please, if I don't make a lot of sense in the beginning.

In everything that I do in life, something in me block it and is very destructive. When I observe my mind patterns, I have a feeling, that I can't escape from my head and from "my negative thoughts". It's unbearable. I always react on instinct, on "the first ball" so to say. I don't know how to think logical. If I try, I feel immense pressure in my front had area. Despite all my reading, tons of books, exercise, meditation,breathing, food choices, is like nothing grow in me. There is no healthy, stable core in me or so it seems. All that I can see is just machine non stop running. I am a mess.

I feel like a lion in the cage, incapable to make my life stable and thats make me very angry and frustrating. My mind always run away and i have a strong feeling, that I don't want to look and face the problems like they really are.

All my life except my early childhood I been a liar. I lie to myself, I lie to others and this understanding is killing me ( all my body is shaking now and my mind again want escape from this thoughts and do something else. In fact, I was taking the brake to hang clean laundry and make juice for my girlfriend - she don't wont to hear nothing about paleo or ketogenic diet, do).

The next frightening thing that cross my mind is that I always think now for myself and my needs. Ok, not always but most of the time. How I see it now is that I almost always choose easy, comfortable, pleasurable ways in life if possible. I never think forward, examine choices and consequences and I usually want to satisfied my needs now (you know especially body needs ) without thinking what brings next.

And despite everything that I read here on this forum and a lot of Laura hard and priceless work which I still enjoy immensely and have deep respect and witch gives me hope, is like nothing can "came to me" or be collected somewhere in some healthy core. In fact, every morning from my childhood till now, nothing really change for me. Every morning I wake up like a different person, like somebody wash everything useful away from my head, that I don't remember any more and I must start with the same topic again and again, from zero. I remember that I was always very afraid before I was going to sleep when I was a child and I was unable to sleep normally with the still body, but I move my body left and right swinging al night and I sleep in this movement! This was going till my 19 year when I was going to 15 months army, because this was obligatory in my former country, and here I forced myself to stop the process because I didn't want to be ridiculed. I remembered also that I was even in the army child naive and one part of me still is. Like that i have a switch in my head witch turns me of or on. I actually one morning one moment before I wake up, hear this switch loudly in my head ( it was the mechanical CLICK sound very much like when you turn of/on the machine switch ).

i also remember that like a child nothing make sense to me. This world was strange to me, the behavior of people was strange and I always speak the truth and share everything that I have with others but this was not appreciated values and the feedback from the world was - exploitation. In this days I had a problem to tell lies and I was punished for the truth by my parents but now it sims that I master the lies and selfishness very well that I can function in this world, I presume. But I don't like it, it make me sad and i criticize myself often for that, that I somehow loose this values, this simple child innocence and honesty.
Also my stepfather was very laud in voice and sharp minded and when I begin when I was only 8-9 year child to "correct" him about the certain things about the world( witch I still don't know how I know all this things), he begun to see me like a treat. He was very rigorous and I always feel that something is not right in my family. I perceive a lot of unusual fear and lies behind the words and I didn't know why. I discovered only few years ago, that he is not my biological father and that the truth was hiding from me and I make contact with my real biological father only 7 years ago ( 2 years after the truth ), when I collected my courage and contact him.

And because I didn't find the place in the world and to make myself safe, I begin to hide myself in the fantasy world. You know, cartoons, movies, books, etc. And what is worse, I still do this on daily basis. I still "need" a portion of Star wars ( witch was/is my bible and i grow up strongly influenced with this movie, especially the music) or Lord of the rings or Avatar-the last airbander, you name it. I still spend ad least 2-3 hours/day watching again and again the same movies that I can function "properly" and that my mind is "in peace". On the other hand, this "other", curious, scientific person in me is very well aware of the situation in me and in the world and want to gain more and more knowledge, but is somehow passive and incapable to transform this knowledge in "real" life. It 's really strange, because one part of me understand what is going on and other part is totally ignorant dwelling in the safe place. Like I can't connect this parts together and I always feel divided, not whole. I read the Wave series over and over again( i read it in 3 years 4-5 times now). I am always fascinating but a lot of times happened like I read the material for the first time. Like i never read it! It's the same with other recommended books on this forum. Again, I really don't know, what is happening because like a child I have excellent memory. Even in the school I didn't need to do much, because i remembered the school material once i read it and I passed the tests easily. And if I was lazy and I didn't learn much I "read" from the teacher, what she/he wanna hear and I was again on the safe ground. But all this, I think, begun to diminished somewhere when I was 13-14 years old and in my mid 20-is is all gone.

Even when I practice martial arts and meditation daily for the 3-4 hours, in the morning, when I wake up...swish, all gone. Again from the beginning, like I never practice. Like nothing "stay with me" ( or is this only my subjective perception about myself, I don't know ). I also immediately forget the names of the the people. On the other hand I can mechanically perform with ease a lot of different routine things. And again I feel that somehow i can't connect in my brain all the knowledge that I gain so far for practical purposes in life. This drives me nuts.

Another thing that I remember now is, that all this "remembering things" again worsten ( if more possible) when I discovered in my 30-is (now i am 47) some esoteric books ( Blavatsky, Leadbether, Anny Bessant and especially Elizabeth Clare Prophet. Her books have had strong impact on me ). In this days I meet a person who "chanelled" "ascended masters" and she "work on me" with the help of "karmic angels" to "initiate me" in the invisible group of "white brotherhood light beings" to "change and repair my DNA". When I was lying on the bed in empty room I could feel how something invisible "works in me", like some strange small spirals deep inside my body. I was afraid but i stay lying on the bed because this was new enhanced growing DNA with the help of selfless, loving, wise, light being, wright. What could go possibly wrong? i am "working" on myself to be more loving, selfless, careless person so I can help more people. Only much later occurs to me, that how can I help the people, if I can't help myself and I need help from "infinite, wise intelligence"from outside. Not the mention, that the goal was "ascension"- typical STS or ego-thinking : Me, me, me...But again, I pushed the irritating thoughts away and explain myself, that this is "natural growing" process. And of course, I feel deep inside (and hidden from myself) "important"and "special" because this "great knowledge"from the universe in self is come to me. Finally the recognition. I finally got what i deserve!

I was a very dedicated "student of the esoteric" and I practice every day prayers and "cleansing" with the help of violet fire and "ascended masters". One day I was lying in my bed and endlessly ( 39 times or something ) repeated "sacred words", when suddenly my body frozen and I could not move. Even my mind frozen and I was not able to remembered the most "powerful" name of the "arhangel"( wich was arhangel Mihael I think) and I very clearly hear in my ears the voice :" Where are your arhangels now? Who will help you? You can't even move or think. What will you do now?"
Fortunately I remain calm and my body automatically begin to breath even more deeply and after few minutes ( it was like few hours to me, but when this was over, I check on the watch, so i know that was only few minutes passes) I can again move my body and my brain "worked" again. Ad that time I was thinking, that this is just another test from the "dark forces" and that I "passed the test". However, the good things from this was, that I was more aware of the "opposite force" and also a little bit more careful. Today is clear to me from all the info I had here, that this so called "experience" are useless and maybe is only one thing coming good from that. It could be that the 4-th density STS is reveling them self (this is even not very bright way if you want to stay hidden, isn't it?) and make me more aware of the "strange, invisible things" that can work through me.

What I also think, that is important to mention is, that I was a vegan/vegetarian at that time and also mostly( some 70-80 %) on raw food, thinking my diet is perfect for "ascension". I have experienced "flushes of immense joy" from time to time, so this was despite my struggle with the diet, proof, that I am on the "right path".

Another think that I remember now is, that one day, when I meditate and practice some breathing technique to calm my mind, I feel the pressure on my chest like some invisible force sit on my chest. I even see the blanket move for few centimeters with my own eyes. But this time I didn't want that and I decisively say "No!"in my mind. And the pressure loosened, the weight from the chest gone, and the window curtains are swung, although the window was closed. In the same moment in the flat near me I hear laud noise, like something big crash on the floor. Coincidence? I don't know. But something definitely happened, because from this day I never felt the pressure on my chest again.

I don't wont to be boring and I presume that are many if not all the topic, that i mention here, discussed already on this forum, but i really struggle to understand how my mind works and I hope, that with the help of experienced members on this forum, my understanding can be better. I also can see, that is everything in this post about me and I don't know, if all this wrighting would be beneficial for somebody, so I thanks in advance everybody who will take theirs precious time for reading and mirror my toughts and mind paterns. I welcome and appriciate all the responds.

 

[Alana]

First of all I want to say, that is very difficult to me, what I am doing now. Expose myself. Or what I think that is "myself". All my life I been hiding in my inner world. My life is the same pattern.Even now is hard to me wright because my thoughts running wild in all directions from one topic to another and I always have problem to focus myself to one topic, so be patient with me, please, if I don't make a lot of sense in the beginning.

I am glad you decided to share with us, Emmanuel. This is the first post of yours where you share more about yourself, and I am sure it wasn't easy, but I think it is a good start.

In everything that I do in life, something in me block it and is very destructive. When I observe my mind patterns, I have a feeling, that I can't escape from my head and from "my negative thoughts". It's unbearable. I always react on instinct, on "the first ball" so to say. I don't know how to think logical. If I try, I feel immense pressure in my front had area. Despite all my reading, tons of books, exercise, meditation,breathing, food choices, is like nothing grow in me. There is no healthy, stable core in me or so it seems. All that I can see is just machine non stop running. I am a mess.

Speaking of breathing and food choices, have you been practicing EE on a regular basis and have you been following the ketogenic diet thread?

Also, maybe "escaping your negative thoughts" is not working because the more you resist they will persist? What if you chose instead to face them? As in writing them down, in the way described in Wilson's Redirect book? For 4 consecutive nights take 20 minutes before bed and just write down all these negative thoughts that are in your mind, not worrying whether what you write makes sense or not. Just write them down, and see what comes of it. Writing this way I think will help you "unload" some of these thoughts and you will be able to "face them" when written down on paper.

I feel like a lion in the cage, incapable to make my life stable and thats make me very angry and frustrating. My mind always run away and i have a strong feeling, that I don't want to look and face the problems like they really are.

All my life except my early childhood I been a liar. I lie to myself, I lie to others and this understanding is killing me ( all my body is shaking now and my mind again want escape from this thoughts and do something else. In fact, I was taking the brake to hang clean laundry and make juice for my girlfriend - she don't wont to hear nothing about paleo or ketogenic diet, do).

Seeing yourself as you operate, seeing that you are lying or that you avoid reality, is a good first step in my book. Because once you see something in yourself that you don't like, and you see it again and again, and you decide you don't want to continue being this way, you can choose to change it. And perhaps what you are avoiding are negative feelings. Perhaps negative feelings are what give rise to your negative thoughts that you feel you have no control over. Feelings from earlier in life that you did not express for whatever reason (it was not safe or you learned "practices" that inhibited even more your contact with your emotions) and you suppressed them and now they are seeking to find expression. I don't know if you ever got a chance to read it but Restin Well's little online book Deep Therapy in the Fast Lane is a good reading regarding coming slowly in contact again with suppressed emotions, little at a time. And regular EE practice of course.

The next frightening thing that cross my mind is that I always think now for myself and my needs. Ok, not always but most of the time. How I see it now is that I almost always choose easy, comfortable, pleasurable ways in life if possible. I never think forward, examine choices and consequences and I usually want to satisfied my needs now (you know especially body needs ) without thinking what brings next.

And despite everything that I read here on this forum and a lot of Laura hard and priceless work which I still enjoy immensely and have deep respect and witch gives me hope, is like nothing can "came to me" or be collected somewhere in some healthy core. In fact, every morning from my childhood till now, nothing really change for me. Every morning I wake up like a different person, like somebody wash everything useful away from my head, that I don't remember any more and I must start with the same topic again and again, from zero. I remember that I was always very afraid before I was going to sleep when I was a child and I was unable to sleep normally with the still body, but I move my body left and right swinging al night and I sleep in this movement! This was going till my 19 year when I was going to 15 months army, because this was obligatory in my former country, and here I forced myself to stop the process because I didn't want to be ridiculed. I remembered also that I was even in the army child naive and one part of me still is. Like that i have a switch in my head witch turns me of or on. I actually one morning one moment before I wake up, hear this switch loudly in my head ( it was the mechanical CLICK sound very much like when you turn of/on the machine switch ).

I actually have a cousin who all his life rocked himself to sleep, and now that you mention it I think it was going to the army (mandatory in my country too) that made him stop it. For him it was self calming, when he finally fell asleep he was able to stay mostly still. Regarding the sound in your head, I remember many years ago I heard something similar upon awakening but I didn't pay much attention to it, I thought it had something to do with coming out of sleep, like a noise from my environment that in my semi-asleep-semi-awake state I thought I heard in my head.

i also remember that like a child nothing make sense to me. This world was strange to me, the behavior of people was strange and I always speak the truth and share everything that I have with others but this was not appreciated values and the feedback from the world was - exploitation. In this days I had a problem to tell lies and I was punished for the truth by my parents but now it sims that I master the lies and selfishness very well that I can function in this world, I presume. But I don't like it, it make me sad and i criticize myself often for that, that I somehow loose this values, this simple child innocence and honesty.

Maybe a simple child innocence and honesty is not something we can or we would want to have back again? It is not wise to be honest with everyone as adults, and I really don't know what innocence is anymore. If it is naivety, it is not a good trait to have as an adult who tries to see the truth in everything in this world. But I think honesty with ourselves is important if we are to ever understand ourselves, what ticks us and make us react, and why, when and where did we learn these behaviors from.

Also my stepfather was very laud in voice and sharp minded and when I begin when I was only 8-9 year child to "correct" him about the certain things about the world( witch I still don't know how I know all this things), he begun to see me like a treat. He was very rigorous and I always feel that something is not right in my family. I perceive a lot of unusual fear and lies behind the words and I didn't know why. I discovered only few years ago, that he is not my biological father and that the truth was hiding from me and I make contact with my real biological father only 7 years ago ( 2 years after the truth ), when I collected my courage and contact him.

That doesn't sound like a nurturing environment for a child to grow-up in. It seems that you grew up in fear of speaking your mind, and that's what probably taught you that you have to lie to not get yourself in trouble. And though your step-father is not a threat to you anymore, you internalized him and you still feel threatened by him? I would really recommend reading the book "Narcissistic Family", it describes these types of unnerturing-to-the-child's-true-self families.

And because I didn't find the place in the world and to make myself safe, I begin to hide myself in the fantasy world. You know, cartoons, movies, books, etc. And what is worse, I still do this on daily basis. I still "need" a portion of Star wars ( witch was/is my bible and i grow up strongly influenced with this movie, especially the music) or Lord of the rings or Avatar-the last airbander, you name it. I still spend ad least 2-3 hours/day watching again and again the same movies that I can function "properly" and that my mind is "in peace". On the other hand, this "other", curious, scientific person in me is very well aware of the situation in me and in the world and want to gain more and more knowledge, but is somehow passive and incapable to transform this knowledge in "real" life. It 's really strange, because one part of me understand what is going on and other part is totally ignorant dwelling in the safe place. Like I can't connect this parts together and I always feel divided, not whole.

Maybe you can write a list about what "feeds" these two different aspects of yourself, and try to do in a day more of the actions that will help the "curious, scientific person in you" to grow more? Let's say you start by lessening the food of the guy who lives in fantasy by giving him only an hour of tv each day and give the other guy two hours of reading sott or participating in the forum, as an example.

I read the Wave series over and over again( i read it in 3 years 4-5 times now). I am always fascinating but a lot of times happened like I read the material for the first time. Like i never read it! It's the same with other recommended books on this forum. Again, I really don't know, what is happening because like a child I have excellent memory. Even in the school I didn't need to do much, because i remembered the school material once i read it and I passed the tests easily. And if I was lazy and I didn't learn much I "read" from the teacher, what she/he wanna hear and I was again on the safe ground. But all this, I think, begun to diminished somewhere when I was 13-14 years old and in my mid 20-is is all gone.

Even when I practice martial arts and meditation daily for the 3-4 hours, in the morning, when I wake up...swish, all gone. Again from the beginning, like I never practice. Like nothing "stay with me" ( or is this only my subjective perception about myself, I don't know ). I also immediately forget the names of the the people. On the other hand I can mechanically perform with ease a lot of different routine things. And again I feel that somehow i can't connect in my brain all the knowledge that I gain so far for practical purposes in life. This drives me nuts.

If it is a memory problem, the diet and EE will help with that. I also wonder whether it might be that the part of you that wants to feel safe in its fantasy world is sabotaging you in a way, so that things stay the same for him and he doesn't need to come out of his comfort zone?

Another thing that I remember now is, that all this "remembering things" again worsten ( if more possible) when I discovered in my 30-is (now i am 47) some esoteric books ( Blavatsky, Leadbether, Anny Bessant and especially Elizabeth Clare Prophet. Her books have had strong impact on me ). In this days I meet a person who "chanelled" "ascended masters" and she "work on me" with the help of "karmic angels" to "initiate me" in the invisible group of "white brotherhood light beings" to "change and repair my DNA". When I was lying on the bed in empty room I could feel how something invisible "works in me", like some strange small spirals deep inside my body. I was afraid but i stay lying on the bed because this was new enhanced growing DNA with the help of selfless, loving, wise, light being, wright. What could go possibly wrong? i am "working" on myself to be more loving, selfless, careless person so I can help more people. Only much later occurs to me, that how can I help the people, if I can't help myself and I need help from "infinite, wise intelligence"from outside. Not the mention, that the goal was "ascension"- typical STS or ego-thinking : Me, me, me...But again, I pushed the irritating thoughts away and explain myself, that this is "natural growing" process. And of course, I feel deep inside (and hidden from myself) "important"and "special" because this "great knowledge"from the universe in self is come to me. Finally the recognition. I finally got what i deserve!

I was a very dedicated "student of the esoteric" and I practice every day prayers and "cleansing" with the help of violet fire and "ascended masters". One day I was lying in my bed and endlessly ( 39 times or something ) repeated "sacred words", when suddenly my body frozen and I could not move. Even my mind frozen and I was not able to remembered the most "powerful" name of the "arhangel"( wich was arhangel Mihael I think) and I very clearly hear in my ears the voice :" Where are your arhangels now? Who will help you? You can't even move or think. What will you do now?"
Fortunately I remain calm and my body automatically begin to breath even more deeply and after few minutes ( it was like few hours to me, but when this was over, I check on the watch, so i know that was only few minutes passes) I can again move my body and my brain "worked" again. Ad that time I was thinking, that this is just another test from the "dark forces" and that I "passed the test". However, the good things from this was, that I was more aware of the "opposite force" and also a little bit more careful. Today is clear to me from all the info I had here, that this so called "experience" are useless and maybe is only one thing coming good from that. It could be that the 4-th density STS is reveling them self (this is even not very bright way if you want to stay hidden, isn't it?) and make me more aware of the "strange, invisible things" that can work through me.

What I also think, that is important to mention is, that I was a vegan/vegetarian at that time and also mostly( some 70-80 %) on raw food, thinking my diet is perfect for "ascension". I have experienced "flushes of immense joy" from time to time, so this was despite my struggle with the diet, proof, that I am on the "right path".

I think we all had our brush with New Age practices and stuff at some point on the path. I was also a vegetarian for about 3 years and at the time I felt "cleaner" and righteous about my choices. But that's in the past now, for both of us, and we have better knowledge of what foods (literal and metaphorically, as in information) our bodies and our minds need to operate better.

Another think that I remember now is, that one day, when I meditate and practice some breathing technique to calm my mind, I feel the pressure on my chest like some invisible force sit on my chest. I even see the blanket move for few centimeters with my own eyes. But this time I didn't want that and I decisively say "No!"in my mind. And the pressure loosened, the weight from the chest gone, and the window curtains are swung, although the window was closed. In the same moment in the flat near me I hear laud noise, like something big crash on the floor. Coincidence? I don't know. But something definitely happened, because from this day I never felt the pressure on my chest again.

I don't wont to be boring and I presume that are many if not all the topic, that i mention here, discussed already on this forum, but i really struggle to understand how my mind works and I hope, that with the help of experienced members on this forum, my understanding can be better. I also can see, that is everything in this post about me and I don't know, if all this wrighting would be beneficial for somebody, so I thanks in advance everybody who will take theirs precious time for reading and mirror my toughts and mind paterns. I welcome and appriciate all the responds.

I am glad you decided to open up, and what I offer above are just my thoughts, so fwiw.

 

[mabar]

I don't wont to be boring and I presume that are many if not all the topic, that i mention here, discussed already on this forum, but i really struggle to understand how my mind works and I hope, that with the help of experienced members on this forum, my understanding can be better. I also can see, that is everything in this post about me and I don't know, if all this wrighting would be beneficial for somebody, so I thanks in advance everybody who will take theirs precious time for reading and mirror my toughts and mind paterns. I welcome and appriciate all the responds.

It is beneficial to me, it reminds me to keep coming to the forum albeit other activities. In fact it reminds me that I had not been able to post an experience regarding to what I called: secondary effects from the Beatha breathing, related to Redirect exercises that Alana commented above. It works, one just have to confront ourselves, easily said, although for sure is diffcult.

Thanks

 

[emmanuel]

Thank you mabar and thank you Alana for your support and priceless information. I was reading again and again your comments and recommendation. I start to reading the Deep therapy in the fast lane from Restin Wells and I also buy ebooks Redirect from Timothy D. Wilson and Narcissistic family by Stephany Donaldson.

I am thinking a lot about what you'v been said to me. It's make a lot of sense. Especially about "child innocence" and the food for this child.( i still don't know how to use the "quote" properly so I apologize, that I answer in this way ).

I don't practice EE on regular basis because all my former breathing techniques didn't work well for me beside the calming my mind and I feel resistance to practice again, but I will definitely go over this and start practice again ( EE of course ). I want to buy EE with croatian subtitles and I already send the email to the croatian EE website, to ask them, how can I order and pay the material, because now I live in Australia. I am waiting for the reply.

Regarding ketogenic diet, I am now more or less on this diet for cca.7-8 months, but not completely. I still eat some fruits and occasionally drink some home made vegetables juices. The ketogenic diet tread is very vast and I didn't read it entirely ( some 50-60 pages ). Hope to do it as soon as possible. However I often read S.O.T.T. articles regarding diet and I try to follow all the treads about food on this forum as well. This is very interesting topic for me and I am over and over again fascinated with impact of food intake on our organism and thinking process and people improvement when they change their diet.

And again you are wright about my comfort zone, new age mumbo-jumbo and food choices in the past. I was thinking in the night about all this things and what I discovered is, that I was putting all to much of attention to this "death stuff", trying to understand my choices in life and how my brain works, but I find myself in the endless circle with no real conclusion. I was just thinking about them, but never really take any action and do something about it. This thinking just give ma a false feeling that I do something useful but my comfort zone was intact. So the next step for me will be as you suggested. I will write down my negative thoughts and see what happened.

After reading your words and thinking about them I have very interesting night. I feel myself more "full" or whole and I was also able to observe certain sensations and mind patterns from more distance that usual. This was very handy and i was able to take practical step, you know like reading recommended material and make myself engaged to investigate and to find other recommended books.

I again thank you for sharing your thoughts with me Alana and despite my fear I feel welcomed and encouraged and your words and mabar respond warmed my heart.