New next door neighbours - Did i do ok?

[melatonin]

Hi there,

Just wanted some feedback on a situation with the next door neighbours.

Heres some background.
I live with my dad, as i had a breakdown and lost my house, car, job etc etc. I'm integrating childhood trauma, so the house very much needs to be a safe place. (I have bad ptsd, and im currently integrating having regressive hypnosis)
Last 2 neighbours (its a semi detached house) have been great.

So..... 2 weeks ago a new neighbour moves in. The first thing i noticed, (Hearing her speak to my dad) was the over friendly manner she had. Then my dad told me she had said "My son might play his music loud, dont be scared of coming round".
My initial thoughts were - shes being over-friendly in expectation of conflict (around her sons behaviour), and shes handing responsibility to my dad - "your welcome to come round".

Then the next convo she had with my dad was about a car (Her brothers), that had crossed over the half-way point outside the house, making it slightly difficult for my dad to park, but still possible. Apparently they had pushed it to that place, because her brother had accidenatley left it over her driveway. (In the other direction).
What crossed my mind was - Why even say anything? (As it wasnt hindering my dad much anyways). And - Why not push it back to rectify it? So it wasnt across halfway?
In my mind - she was pointing out that she was 'taking ground'.

(My dad doesnt see things this way btw)

Well... that was in the first day.
So the first week comes and my dad has to go round 3 times during the day because the music is so loud. (Very loud bass).
Then on saturday night, he pipes it up at 1AM in morning.

So.... my dad goes round. (My dad is a small guy and very non-agressive)
The reason i didnt go round is two-fold. I have a massive 'fight/flight' reaction to boundary intrusions (like this), and im always scared of over-reacting.
So im listening out of the window, and i can hear that the son isnt being respectful to my dad, but does turn the music down.

3 minutes after my dad comes back, we get a knock at the door. In anticipation of it being the son i rush downstairs (bearing in mind im VERY protective of my dad, as hes my support network and provides me with a safe place to heal, and of course - i care about him).
Its the son's girlfriend (drunk to the eyeballs) saying things like "they (mother and son) think your being nasty because they have only been in there a week and you have gone round 4 times already"
Yes, that old chestnut, reverse physcology.
I manage to keep some control, and end up saying something like " Look, if your fella wants to make an enemy, hes got a ready made one here in me. Tell him to turn that crap off, or ill come inside the house to do it myself".
She left not saying much.

I think i reacted that way for 2 reasons. I was insanely triggered. And also - i feel like i was over compensating for the lack of assertiveness i believe my dad should of showed. Obviously the mum saw my dad as a soft touch from day one, and i wanted to give the message that i wasnt.
After saying this its been quiet the whole week, so seems to have worked so far.
He was outside with 2 mates the other day (im bigger than my dad, and pretty fearless in some ways - i dont mean this in an egotistic way, as i hate violence, but i will stand up for what i believe in, and protect good people) , and he said nothing and didnt look across.

My intial feeling (because of my past) is to apologise as the thought of confliect is triggering, (im not scared of physical conflict, as i train etc etc - feeling triggered and rationally scared are two different things) but i know that this will just put me in a weak position. Also im pretty sure they are trying to taking the p*ss (excuse my french) out of my dad, and i will not allow that to happen. And they have all the hallmarks of physcopaths.


The mum came round the house on Sunday to 'apologise' again to my dad. Said about her son missing his mates, and (again) that my dad "shouldnt be scared of going round and telling him".
My dad (being soft) got drawn into the convo, asking why her son couldnt see his mates etc etc, rather than saying "its your responsiblity, not mine".


Sorry for going on. I want to say, in your opinion was my direct approach the best way to tackle potential physco' in this situation???
It seems to have stopped them in their tracks so far.

Just to add:- I also rang up the estate agents who look after the property and touched base with them, although i didnt ask them to send out a formal letter just yet - as i wanted that to be my dads desicion (his house) and he wants to give them a chance.

After i had contacted the estate agents, the mum dropped a parcel off around 90 mins later she had been holding from the day before. (We had never met before) Anyways, im not sure if the estate agents had phoned her (even tho i asked them not too), but when she turned up at the door she didnt introduce herself or anything (and neither did i) , which suited me totally, as i dont want to get drawn into her BS talk. Maybe the Sons GF had told her what i said. Either way, ive never felt more comfortable before not speaking to someone and ignoring them.
Im wondering if this is progress in being able to identify toxic people and not feeling too compassionate towards them. (Which is obviously a weakness)
Ive been told i have a 'face that doesnt life' = maybe she knew i was very angry, and in this situation thats a gd thing? No idea.

Any input/advice/thoughts?

 

[Jeremy F Kreuz]

Hi melatonin,

FWIW and maybe you have more data then you provided but I would be careful to classify your new neighbours as psychopaths too quickly. It is possible but they could also just be obnoxious people without too much consideration for others. Also it seems that the son is the more problematic one and that the mother is not having control over him. Maybe you can observe the dynamics of this family more in detail to see who is who and how they manipulate and work each other. Maybe the mother needs some back up so that she can put her son in his rightful place.

The way you handled the situation seems indeed to have stopped them in their tracks. The phrase you used did contain potential aggression. Would you have carried out your action (of going into the house and turn off the music yourself) if the guy had reacted in the manner of ´go ahead, make my day?´ The use of the word ´enemy´ seems also to be strong imho.

You might want to look at the why you used this particular language. As you write, you want to defend your father as you feel he is not standing up for himself. In this aspect he might resemble the mother of the loud son. Could it be therefore you felt the need to declare him as enemy if he would not turn down the music? This seems to be potential situation where both elders are not having the full control of the situation (for different reasons) and where the children take over and battle it out. This is a situation for a lot of potential manipulation and if that loud son is turning out to be a psychopath he will use this to the max.

How did your father react to your handling of the situation? Have you discussed it with him. It might be a idea to come up with a joined plan of action, to involve him and not act as the lone brave hero next time around. You have drawn a line in the sand, but has your father? And if your father has not drawn a line, will the loud son get behind your line through your father?

These are my thoughts and I might be of track with them. If so a moderator will correct them. I am still learning to read situations and comment on them.

I wish you also the best with your recovery.

 

[truth seeker]

Personally I've had to deal with several noisy neighbors and the way I handle it now is to go through the superintendent/landlord and let them handle it. The reason for this is because when I chose to handle it myself, it only seemed to escalate the situation. Think of it this way: if the person is lacking consideration for or awareness of those around them, more than likely they're not concerned enough to stop the behavior. Also, most people don't appreciate being "told what to do" or take responsibility for their behavior and will find some way to push against it. If the person does indeed end up being pathological, their attention is now directed towards you. So I'd continue to deal with the real estate agent or whoever is in charge there but do it respectfully.

It seems to me that the mother is trying to get others (namely you and your Dad) to handle her son as you said. That's not your or your Father's job and I would suggest that you don't go around there again as it may be used to make you (or your Father) appear as the aggressor. I would engage with them as little as possible.

You may also want to read the Character Disturbance book and thread if you haven't done so already. I think you'll find it most enlightening as it provides a good breakdown of the behaviors of others. For what it's worth.

 

[melatonin]

Thanks for the feedback.

I am wondering if i was reacting from fight/flight and ive prob over-reacted. Saying that, im glad ive contacted the estate agents. Without a doubt the mother would of happily not of had to of confronted her son - from the sounds of it anyways.

Jeremy - Im not sure if i would of followed through. Depends how much of a bad place i was in at the time. Its not a situation i should put myself into. I think your right, ive probably 'labelled' her for too early - and that prob comes from my own fear and needing to know where i stand, and to understand other people and their motives. (Rather than leaving the situation to see how it panned out).

Truth Seeker - I see what your saying. Now ive spoken, it will feel personal and will irritate me even more - if it happens again.
I think your right - leaving it to the estate agent is the best thing, although theres a certain amount of credibility (or is there? Or is that my conditioning, not sure) to be gained by sorting it out face to face, i get a feeling that this might not happen. (not from how the mum has spoken).