no wonder our perception of beauty is distorted/model dies of anorexia

[Alana]

Reading about the anorexic model that died, this came to mind. Watch this clip by Dove. An excellent illustration of how our perception of beauty is distorted:

http://saplib.wordpress(dot)com/2006/10/21/no-wonder-our-perception-of-beauty-is-distorted/

It seems that people growing up with narcissistic parents, have a distorted image of their own emotional, physical, intellectual selves, and a negative introject that drives them towards self-destruction [for more: Elan Golomb, Trapped in the Mirror]

The last phrase, which really stood out for me, attered in the article featured in SOTT, Horror story about second model to die from anorexia in 2006 comes from Ana's (model who died from anorexia) mother, who "She stares up at a portrait of Ana hung at the back of the shop - part of an advertising campaign which has now become a sort of shrine to her deceased daughter. 'Do you know what I think at night time?' she asks. 'I think that she's in the ground and the ants are eating her. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive now, without my right arm.'

That bolded remark, it is, as i understand it, a narcissists utterance. It seems to me that the mother viewed her daughter as "her right arm" literally, an extension of her own self and nothing else. Not even a WHOLE person, as her words imply when she says "i think that she's in the ground and the ants are eating her". Ana to her is just a body, nothing else, that the ants will consume. No personality, no needs, no essence the mother sees in Ana: just a body, mother's OWN right arm who assisted her financially, the money coming from an industry that put so much pressure and stress on Ana to be "slim". Perhaps one can say that Ana did not know how to survive and save herself because this was the way she was brought up? That she never learned that she was anything else other than her body? Not all models are anorexics after all. Yet very often narcissistic parents put all their efforts in controlling their childrens' bodies, thus control all the aspects of their lives. And the negative introject developed inside the child, takes up the parents' role to control their host, when the parent is not present. Unaware of this dynamic and how to free oneself from it, children of narcissits become their own worst enemies, their own destructors. And this is their "normal state", for is all they know. Ana's mother, also unaware of "the lice on her bonnet", parades her narcissism in the media.

(While writing this a part of me is judging me that i am being too harsh with this woman whose daughter died, and i heard that there isn't any pain as strong as that of a parent loosing a child. Yet another part of me says that the woman's last remarks are not those of a Mother, but those of a person who lost their source of feeding. I look forward to feedback from you all on this one.)

But one, and probably most members of this forum, who begun to see things a bit as they truly are, will realize that we are all affected whether our parents were narcissists or not. Our whole society, institutions, etc. are taking up the role of narcissistic parents, we are all ponerized into becoming just like the psychopaths, because for them to survive, it's the only way for the normal people to accept their domination. Indeed the predator gave us his mind... it is so true in so many levels.

Imagine a world where most people realize this, and try to reclaim their own selves. That's true beauty, no?

 

[auroraborealis1]

This is something that I am dealing with as a daughter of a narcissistic mother. My negative introject, as you call it, steers me towards self - destructive relationships where I am belittled, laughed at and abandoned for being different. I have pin pointed the area inside of where that energy resides and going into it often times leads me to vomit, it feels so horrible. I have had to give up going after any relationships because I know not to trust my picker. How my mother viewed me was horrible I was only around to do all the things that she never wanted to do, and besides that I was to shut up and give up everything I loved and dreamed of in my life. I was locked away in my room just like Cinderella only to be called on to clean, cook, and watch the children. I wasn't allowed to have any friends, to have a social life, to go after my dreams. If she caught me growing at all in self - worth because of something I loved to do it was immediately confiscated. Like my sewing machine that my god - mother brought for me when I 13 years old. She would confiscate things and make me leave things behind, well actually she would have my step - father do it and she would sit there and act as though I was tripp'in for being furious. I have been no contact from her for a little over a year and I was completely brainwashed, needy, helpless, felt worthless, and just completely broken. I am proof that it possible to heal. The hardest part is seeing how you view yourself, seeing what you are doing to yourself. It is hard to see that I have been raised to make myself narcissistic supply. I would offer myself over gladly to the scum of the earth and I now know that I don't deserve that. I am a very wise, unique, highly unusual, intellectual, spirited, funny, truth - teller/seeker, artistic, beautiful, and young woman and I am just learning these things about myself. She had me so twisted, I hated myself so much, and it is something that I work on everyday. Thanks for the post. I have been thinking about narcissistic parents and what they do to a childs DNA. I am a black woman and my great - grand - mother is only a couple of generations removed from slavery. I have talked to her and she tells me how her Pa used to 'just get the beat'in and the beat'in' on her. She passed this down to my grandmother and my of course my mother and aunt her children. My mother had 5 children. Because of this self - destructive introject I know that the bloodline won't reach out for much longer. It makes me think about the whole the trauma of slavery and the effects of it on people as a whole. We eventually kill ourselves off. That is why narcissist are stupid. I say that little bit without going into a whole of detail, it has just recently become a topic of interest to me and something that I will ponder and research further. Thank you.

 

[Alana]

Well, that was an old post, but I am glad if it helped you, auroraborealis1 :)

I am so sorry to read what you had to go through growing up. As Laura often says, we are all here the walking wounded. And together, with networking and supporting each other, we take responsibility to understand our lives, grow in knowledge and heal ourselves (as much as possible ;) ) eventually.

I don't know if you have read the recommended books on the subject of narcissism yet:

Narcissism "Big Five"
Myth of Sanity - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers - Barbara E. Hort
In Sheep's Clothing - George K. Simon

If you haven't, read them as soon as you can. And if you can't afford all of them right now, at least start with trapped in the mirror and the narcissistic family.

The first thing I realized in myself when I started self-observing (with the help of the network) was my own narcissistic traits. I was horrified! And it was the above books that helped me understand how the family dynamics in the environment I grew up shaped me in that form. Then I was livid! When we are deprived our sense of self early in life, we grow up with a distorted view of ourselves, like you say. We do away with our needs and wants in order to please our caregivers, and later our partners. But our real self, is always in there, and at some point we break down or we explode, we start reacting to little things or create dramas (reenactment of our early environments) or we just freeze and don't assert ourselves in situations where it is called for. This is because early experiences shape our brain connections and our nervous system, and now our brain chemistry and nervous system are all messed up. This is where the EE program can help tremendously. Especially doing the pipe breathing/three stage breathing and meditation every night. I can't stress that enough. When I look back in my life, I feel that this program has helped me become a different person. The diet changes I made have also supported this progress. You can find lots of info in the Life without Bread thread. It's a bit long, but every post in it is worth it!

And you know, the most important thing that I read in your post is that, though you went through so much pain and suffering in life, it seems that nothing was enough to take away from you the burning desire to know, understand and learn. So keep it up, and know that you are not alone

 

[auroraborealis1]

Wow, thank you for the suggestions. I have to confess that I am reluctant to take others advice on what I should do, read, or how to be because I like to run into information on my own by my own study but I have been tossing and turning and decided to take a look at the forum for solutions. I read your response and found the videos about EE and pipe breathing. The results were immediate. I realized that I have been so surrounded by danger my whole life I never let go and relax. This is the first time in the long time I have felt safe enough to relax because the breathing made me face some fears within myself about the face that I have been trained to let allow myself to be enslaved and live in fear of even entering into my own body, during my childhood the more self - aware I was the more frequent the abuse and the less present I was the less frequent, I immediately had some emotional release because of these realizations thanks for the suggestions :)

 

[Gwenllian]

I have had to give up going after any relationships because I know not to trust my picker.

Yes, I responded in the same manner. Was on my own for quite a number of years. Also, I had two very young kids and saw the danger of another destructive relationship.

How my mother viewed me was horrible I was only around to do all the things that she never wanted to do, and besides that I was to shut up and give up everything I loved and dreamed of in my life. I was locked away in my room just like Cinderella only to be called on to clean, cook, and watch the children. I wasn't allowed to have any friends, to have a social life, to go after my dreams. If she caught me growing at all in self - worth because of something I loved to do it was immediately confiscated. Like my sewing machine that my god - mother brought for me when I 13 years old. She would confiscate things and make me leave things behind, well actually she would have my step - father do it and she would sit there and act as though I was tripp'in for being furious.

I can really relate to this. I have sometimes compared myself to Cinderella as well. Although I was allowed to have friends. But then my mother would interfere or send away kids she didn't like, complain about me making chocolate milk for them. Tea was good enough. Only the kids whose parents she knew well were allowed to have nice biscuits. She also talked bad about me behind my back to my friends and hers. And maybe worst of all, she befriended my friends.

What a distorted world you lived in. You were not even allowed to express your fury at your mother for taking away YOUR things. And then you got blamed for being crazy. Yes, that is also very familiar to me.

I have been no contact from her for a little over a year and I was completely brainwashed, needy, helpless, felt worthless, and just completely broken. I am proof that it possible to heal.

Same here. And I think that it applies to most of us here. I broke off contact with my family, too. I had two kids and myself to protect.

I have been thinking about narcissistic parents and what they do to a childs DNA. I am a black woman and my great - grand - mother is only a couple of generations removed from slavery. I have talked to her and she tells me how her Pa used to 'just get the beat'in and the beat'in' on her. She passed this down to my grandmother and my of course my mother and aunt her children. My mother had 5 children. Because of this self - destructive introject I know that the bloodline won't reach out for much longer. It makes me think about the whole the trauma of slavery and the effects of it on people as a whole. We eventually kill ourselves off.

I read or heard somewhere that people are wrong for feeling proud of their heritage, coming from slaves. That person said that the people that had a reason to be proud of their heritage and their strength were the ones that had fled slavery. Not the ones that had adapted to it and then bore the consequences, including the generations after slavery. If I have understood it correctly.
That said, there was a time when I read a lot of African-(American) literature. And there are people out there that know where they are coming from, or at least partly. I have always felt a lot of respect for these writers, talking about sexual and other cruel physical and emotional abuse, where no other fiction writer had yet trodden. So I do not think that eventually you are killing yourselves off at all. There are black people out there with their eyes fairly wide open. OSIT.

Wow, thank you for the suggestions. I have to confess that I am reluctant to take others advice on what I should do, read, or how to be because I like to run into information on my own by my own study but I have been tossing and turning and decided to take a look at the forum for solutions.

Yes, I understand. I am the same. But I do trust the source, in this case the forum. I have read the first three and I am glad I did. Because these writers are telling my story and I can recognise myself in these books. (The way I recognise myself in your story.) I have been moved to tears while reading them.

I read your response and found the videos about EE and pipe breathing. The results were immediate. I realized that I have been so surrounded by danger my whole life I never let go and relax. This is the first time in the long time I have felt safe enough to relax because the breathing made me face some fears within myself about the face that I have been trained to let allow myself to be enslaved and live in fear of even entering into my own body, during my childhood the more self - aware I was the more frequent the abuse and the less present I was the less frequent, I immediately had some emotional release because of these realizations thanks for the suggestions :)

This is some great observation. The less self-aware or present you were the less frequent the abuse. That really struck a cord with me.
The year that everything was running more smoothly at my mother's house was also the year that I somehow had come to admire her. Which of course played into her narcissistic personality. I can't recall why that happened. Probably another way to survive.
So, if you already have these observations after one session of EE imagine the future. :D

I think you are doing more than okay. I think you can be proud of the work that you have already done. FWIW. So that in the future you may wish to explore how your narcissistic upbringing changed you and had an impact on you that you could never even have envisioned when you were still growing up. At least that is how it worked out for me.

 

[auroraborealis1]

Mariama and Alana thank you for your empathy and kindness. I am very alone in my process right now and I think of you all and know I am not completely alone and one day I will vibrate to find myself around people that I value.

 

[auroraborealis1]

The year that everything was running more smoothly at my mother's house was also the year that I somehow had come to admire her. Which of course played into her narcissistic personality. I can't recall why that happened. Probably another way to survive.
So, if you already have these observations after one session of EE imagine the future. :D

Girl, let me tell you, I felt like I had taken a shot of heroin the first night I did the breathing exercises and then the next day I couldn't follow any of my self - destructive patterns like over eating or just numbing out in front of the T.V. I could only do the things that made me feel good like make jewelry. It seems as though I am breathing life into parts of myself that have not been alive in a long time or that may have never been able to develop because of my hard pressing childhood. For the parts of me that are still in the void it is pretty uncomfortable inside of my body but through the breathing I get through the fear, stress, and tough parts. Very interesting. It makes ask the question, 'what is breath?' This is making me grateful for my breath. What amazes me the most about this process is that everything I have learned as been about me, about every part of me, and how everything I need is right under my nose. And as I was typing the prior sentence I am breaking down in tears letting me know that that statement I just made is truer than I am choosing to comprehend at this moment.

 

[theos]

Wow, thank you for the suggestions. I have to confess that I am reluctant to take others advice on what I should do, read, or how to be because I like to run into information on my own by my own study but I have been tossing and turning and decided to take a look at the forum for solutions.

It's great that your first EE session was so positive. Keep it up. :)

This forum is chock full of useful knowledge. I know that the few years I have spent here have been the most exciting and educational of my life. All the years I spent in school are barely a drop in the bucket when I do a comparison.

As is said frequently here, "You can't change the way you think with the way you think." Having a network with which to bounce ideas around is invaluable. Going it alone is a tough slog.

 

[Gwenllian]

Mariama and Alana thank you for your empathy and kindness. I am very alone in my process right now and I think of you all and know I am not completely alone and one day I will vibrate to find myself around people that I value.

Yes, that will happen. You will find people that are lovable and who love you back. But it takes a while. It has taken me much longer than I thought and I have also felt alone for quite some time. That is what abuse does to us, it makes us believe that we are the only ones that go through this. And then I discovered I was not the only one and I could talk to others about all these unspeakable events in my life without scaring them off.

Girl, let me tell you, I felt like I had taken a shot of heroin the first night I did the breathing exercises and then the next day I couldn't follow any of my self - destructive patterns like over eating or just numbing out in front of the T.V.
I could only do the things that made me feel good like make jewelry. It seems as though I am breathing life into parts of myself that have not been alive in a long time or that may have never been able to develop because of my hard pressing childhood. For the parts of me that are still in the void it is pretty uncomfortable inside of my body but through the breathing I get through the fear, stress, and tough parts. Very interesting. It makes ask the question, 'what is breath?' This is making me grateful for my breath. What amazes me the most about this process is that everything I have learned as been about me, about every part of me, and how everything I need is right under my nose. And as I was typing the prior sentence I am breaking down in tears letting me know that that statement I just made is truer than I am choosing to comprehend at this moment.

That happens after a major breakthrough, I would say. We need time to digest and work through our emotions and the facts of the abuse. So by all means, make your jewellery, watch TV. Try not to overeat, because this affects your brain, which makes it harder for you to deal with the past.
Give yourself time.
It is good that you allow your tears to surface. I feel cleansed after a good cry.