Non-violent communication as working on oneself in a group ?

[Argos]

Like many people, I imagine, I've practised work on oneself in a rather solitary way, but well aware that this has its limits with my blind spots, I wanted to meet other people with whom I could progress in self-help.
I don't know anyone around me who is interested in Laura's or Sott's work.
And it was by finding nvc (non-violent communication) work groups that I discovered what seems to me to be a practice of working on oneself in a group.
Although the groups are made up of people with different outlooks on the world, the core of the work remains a search for self-knowledge and our interactions, regardless of the participants' level of knowledge, which surprised me.

I'd like to share this here, firstly to see if my interpretation of this work is really coherent, of working on oneself in groups of people with very different levels of knowledge; as the Sott forum is based on collective work on oneself, I figure that your view might shed some light on points I've missed, and then I'm also sharing in the hope that it might be useful to others.

I'm going to attempt a simplified explanation of the basic principles of nvc, and then explain what we do in practice in these groups.

The theory of nvc proposes a precise meaning to feelings and needs:

Needs are seen as the values and deep desires that drive us at all times, the source of energy behind our actions.
The nvc has identified over a hundred names for needs in everyday language, and has drawn up a vocabulary list that we learn to use to better perceive all their nuances.
For example: exploration, freedom, discovery, celebration, balance, detachment, connection, contact, sharing, gentleness, clarity, vitality, order, silence, simplicity...

Feelings are seen as physical, bodily information signalling how a situation relates to one of our needs.
If the feeling is pleasant or comfortable, it's because the situation is positively nourishing a need or amplifying a value to which we are consciously well connected.
If the feeling is unpleasant or uncomfortable, it's because the situation concerns needs that require recognition or nourishment, and the energy of these needs is being used without our knowledge.
A list of over a hundred named feelings has been drawn up:
upset, disturbed, nervous, shared, sorry, tense, terrified, captivated, enchanted, inspired, relaxed, delighted, proud, lightened, centered, fulfilled, flowing, light, joyful...

Learning nvc is based on a recipe that we learn to describe for a situation:

observation - feeling - need - request.
The aim of this recipe is to help you take responsibility for your feelings and needs.
For example
the situation: I'm angry because John cut me off.
The observation: Jean started talking while I was speaking, and I stopped talking without finishing the sentence I'd started.
The feeling: I feel upset.
Needs: clarity, expression
The work involved in taking responsibility for one's feelings and needs:
I feel upset because I didn't express what I was thinking when I chose to remain silent to satisfy my need for clarity in communication.
(nvc grammar always follows the feeling with “because I”)
the request: “Jean, do you agree to be silent until I've expressed everything I wanted to say? I'll let you know when I'm done.”

The aim of nvc is to help you find your way, through a fine-tuned knowledge of your feelings and needs, to people whose contribution needs correspond to your support needs. Exchanges can then take place with ease and joy or appeasement.


Personal theory: I distinguish between feelings and emotions by considering emotions as the movement of energy circulating between people according to a kind of potential difference between people's needs. The feeling is then the reading of the effect of this movement of energy on myself.

In practice, during nvc group workshops, we do a lot of role-playing in which we re-enact life situations we find difficult to handle.
During these games, we work on taking responsibility for our feelings and connecting more consciously to our needs.
We train ourselves to discern empathy from sympathy and antipathy, to perceive the feelings and needs of others without believing ourselves to be responsible for them, but by being able to remain present to others.
I've taken part in two practice groups and I've noticed that, once the group dynamic is well established, we end up working essentially on our parent-child relationships and those with our spouses, and it's within this framework that I feel a profound work on myself. Although we're very different groups of people, we're confronted with very similar difficulties, and the empathetic help of the group sheds light on these situations in a way I'd never been able to do on my own.
It's as if the intensity of the emotions experienced during a difficult situation were taken over by the energy of the group.
For example, by re-enacting a conflict situation with my partner in which my anger was overwhelming me, I was able to see and name, with the help of the group, the parts of me that were so strongly stimulated and welcome them with the group's benevolence, and then discover what my partner was going through that my anger was preventing me from seeing, through the participant who was playing the role of my partner.


Since then, I've been very enthusiastic about continuing to practice nvc, but I've also had a lot of hesitations.
Even though it's based on a simple structure, it's often very trying, upsetting, challenging and difficult to practice. When I go to one of these workshops, I'm often confronted with all kinds of resistance, with parts of me that don't want to go, and I have doubts: is it worth it? Aren't there other, less trying ways?
Besides, it's still a practice that nobody around me really understands, and I find it hard to explain.
I feel rather alone with a practice I'd like everyone to know about, which is probably why I'm trying to share it here.
I wonder, does it speak to others? Is it just a step on my personal path? Is the nvc structure, taking back responsibility for one's feelings and needs, as coherent as it claims to be?

Translated with DeepL.com

 

[Ricardo]

"Aren't there other, less trying ways? " My 2x cents , yes , read gnosis , if you will , also words are limited thus (possibly ) enforcing negative feedback loops. And then there's the unseen in any (physically present group) , language is an amazing tool , but in self-knowledge there's implied a "need" for more.

 

[Wandering Star]

This non-violent communication thing sounds very nice and good.

Just a quick one.

I work with demons, meaning murderers, rapists, abusers of women and men, and much more.

They are all happy for people to do everything you have said.

To use with people who are like you is a good practice perhaps.

 

[Nachtweide]

I have an education in GK Rosenberg. Personally, it helped me a lot although some of the suggestions are not feasible and make little sense. This is also officially criticized by the teachers. Through GK and understanding the message square Schulz von Thun, I then created my own way of communicating that is successful.

 

[Miracle]

When I go to one of these workshops, I'm often confronted with all kinds of resistance, with parts of me that don't want to go, and I have doubts: is it worth it? Aren't there other, less trying ways?
Besides, it's still a practice that nobody around me really understands, and I find it hard to explain.
I feel rather alone with a practice I'd like everyone to know about, which is probably why I'm trying to share it here.
I wonder, does it speak to others? Is it just a step on my personal path? Is the nvc structure, taking back responsibility for one's feelings and needs, as coherent as it claims to be?

Hi Argos, I think the easiest way to understand if your NVC practice is worthwhile or not is to ask, what have the results from the practice been in your life?

 

[happyliza]

Yes the situational awareness aspectis key. Regarding people you also need the deep psychology knowledge, books in the recommended reading, to be able to assess, as quickly as is possible, WHO you are actually dealing with. As one rule does not always apply - For your own SAFETY.

I can understand the reticence for turning p to these meetings as it can be very draining, especially sincerely applying aand observing yourself and others the entire time.

But that is what we ultimately need to learn.
I think at this level even, few of us can be self observant and aware for 10 minutes!
What you are also learning is what we could call the negotiation through life - Transactional Analysis.
Sometimes I am so busy internally observing I lose the thread of the conversation - so a tricky balance.
Then there is the covert and overt behaviours, passive aggressiveness etc to also try to circumnavigate.
So it is a very complex learning process.
Especially now that we have learned about those who do not have internal narratives and only images through which to navigate and communicate. How do we help communicate - by talking in imagery?
I think any method that helps to be more self aware and service to others can only be beneficial.
However, be careful of those that befriend you, as sociopathic types can be drawn to such places of vulnerable people for easy pickings.

 

[Argos]

Thank you for your quick answers, yes the invisible is always present in the groups, I see the effects in the dynamics of setting up.

I suppose that in different nvc groups, there must be different practices.

Yes, what are the results in my life?

That's what I'm trying to identify. I feel good, strengthened when I come back from these workshops, but what has really changed in me over time, in a lasting way?

It's more difficult to identify, but I have the impression of understanding myself better, of having more energy, I've improved long-standing relationship problems, my professional situation has improved. Are these coincidences or does nvc help me to understand myself better?

In the past, I had a lot of illusions with rather “new age” practices in which I felt very comfortable, and I've become rather distrustful.


One of the things that gives me confidence in these workshops is that, after two years of regular meetings, I haven't formed any friendships, just the pleasure of getting together to practise, and then everyone goes back to their own private lives, and there are no financial demands either.

 

[Wandering Star]

However, be careful of those that befriend you, as sociopathic types can be drawn to such places of vulnerable people for easy pickings.

Important notice.

 

[jacygirl]

Like many people, I imagine, I've practised work on oneself in a rather solitary way, but well aware that this has its limits with my blind spots, I wanted to meet other people with whom I could progress in self-help.
I don't know anyone around me who is interested in Laura's or Sott's work.
And it was by finding nvc (non-violent communication) work groups that I discovered what seems to me to be a practice of working on oneself in a group.
Although the groups are made up of people with different outlooks on the world, the core of the work remains a search for self-knowledge and our interactions, regardless of the participants' level of knowledge, which surprised me.

I'd like to share this here, firstly to see if my interpretation of this work is really coherent, of working on oneself in groups of people with very different levels of knowledge; as the Sott forum is based on collective work on oneself, I figure that your view might shed some light on points I've missed, and then I'm also sharing in the hope that it might be useful to others.

I'm going to attempt a simplified explanation of the basic principles of nvc, and then explain what we do in practice in these groups.

The theory of nvc proposes a precise meaning to feelings and needs:

Needs are seen as the values and deep desires that drive us at all times, the source of energy behind our actions.
The nvc has identified over a hundred names for needs in everyday language, and has drawn up a vocabulary list that we learn to use to better perceive all their nuances.
For example: exploration, freedom, discovery, celebration, balance, detachment, connection, contact, sharing, gentleness, clarity, vitality, order, silence, simplicity...

Feelings are seen as physical, bodily information signalling how a situation relates to one of our needs.
If the feeling is pleasant or comfortable, it's because the situation is positively nourishing a need or amplifying a value to which we are consciously well connected.
If the feeling is unpleasant or uncomfortable, it's because the situation concerns needs that require recognition or nourishment, and the energy of these needs is being used without our knowledge.
A list of over a hundred named feelings has been drawn up:
upset, disturbed, nervous, shared, sorry, tense, terrified, captivated, enchanted, inspired, relaxed, delighted, proud, lightened, centered, fulfilled, flowing, light, joyful...

Learning nvc is based on a recipe that we learn to describe for a situation:

observation - feeling - need - request.
The aim of this recipe is to help you take responsibility for your feelings and needs.
For example
the situation: I'm angry because John cut me off.
The observation: Jean started talking while I was speaking, and I stopped talking without finishing the sentence I'd started.
The feeling: I feel upset.
Needs: clarity, expression
The work involved in taking responsibility for one's feelings and needs:
I feel upset because I didn't express what I was thinking when I chose to remain silent to satisfy my need for clarity in communication.
(nvc grammar always follows the feeling with “because I”)
the request: “Jean, do you agree to be silent until I've expressed everything I wanted to say? I'll let you know when I'm done.”

The aim of nvc is to help you find your way, through a fine-tuned knowledge of your feelings and needs, to people whose contribution needs correspond to your support needs. Exchanges can then take place with ease and joy or appeasement.


Personal theory: I distinguish between feelings and emotions by considering emotions as the movement of energy circulating between people according to a kind of potential difference between people's needs. The feeling is then the reading of the effect of this movement of energy on myself.

In practice, during nvc group workshops, we do a lot of role-playing in which we re-enact life situations we find difficult to handle.
During these games, we work on taking responsibility for our feelings and connecting more consciously to our needs.
We train ourselves to discern empathy from sympathy and antipathy, to perceive the feelings and needs of others without believing ourselves to be responsible for them, but by being able to remain present to others.
I've taken part in two practice groups and I've noticed that, once the group dynamic is well established, we end up working essentially on our parent-child relationships and those with our spouses, and it's within this framework that I feel a profound work on myself. Although we're very different groups of people, we're confronted with very similar difficulties, and the empathetic help of the group sheds light on these situations in a way I'd never been able to do on my own.
It's as if the intensity of the emotions experienced during a difficult situation were taken over by the energy of the group.
For example, by re-enacting a conflict situation with my partner in which my anger was overwhelming me, I was able to see and name, with the help of the group, the parts of me that were so strongly stimulated and welcome them with the group's benevolence, and then discover what my partner was going through that my anger was preventing me from seeing, through the participant who was playing the role of my partner.


Since then, I've been very enthusiastic about continuing to practice nvc, but I've also had a lot of hesitations.
Even though it's based on a simple structure, it's often very trying, upsetting, challenging and difficult to practice. When I go to one of these workshops, I'm often confronted with all kinds of resistance, with parts of me that don't want to go, and I have doubts: is it worth it? Aren't there other, less trying ways?
Besides, it's still a practice that nobody around me really understands, and I find it hard to explain.
I feel rather alone with a practice I'd like everyone to know about, which is probably why I'm trying to share it here.
I wonder, does it speak to others? Is it just a step on my personal path? Is the nvc structure, taking back responsibility for one's feelings and needs, as coherent as it claims to be?

Translated with DeepL.com

Hi Argos. I've been thinking about what you wrote since you posted it. I would like to share my experiences (with myself and others). My conclusions are my own opinions, so please feel free to disregard if it doesn't vibe with you.

I'm not a fan of group sessions for counselling. Too much focus on others when you need to be focusing on yourself. Also, the "Barnum Effect" when other people describe their thoughts and feelings, and people nod and agree that "oh that's me too!". Nobody knows you like you do so to get where you want to be, I believe you need to do the work alone. Besides, so many enter counselling to get immediate gratification without actually doing any work to change. To me it's like a pat on the head. "Oh good girl, you told us how you're feeling. Now go home and have a cookie!" (lol)

I've found that most people aren't willing to do the work. They talk about wanting/needing to change, but do they ever really change? No, they don't. I personally wasn't really aware that I was about to change and do a deep dive into my own soul, but a chain of horrific events set it in motion...and I can't believe I'm now so grateful because the change is...freeing!

I had the mindset that in order to get into the light, I had to go into the dark. I had a power failure for 3 days in the winter so I was also literally in the dark. I climbed into my own dark basement where a life's worth of feelings, memories, guilt, etc. were stored. I started opening those buried files and shone a light on them. I spent weeks going backwards through my life to understand why I felt as I did at the time, and what was causing/influencing me.

I analyzed every relationship/friendship and my own motives. The C's teachings helped me tremendously in understanding that others had free will and it was not my job to change them. I am only in control of me. Actually I ended up rather pleased that regardless of the situation, my motive was never really selfish and I often made conscious decisions instead of emotional. I played songs that have personal meaning to me, and cried and sobbed as I let go of all the buried pain. It was a hard thing to go through but again, now I am grateful.

My body is now worn out and annoying, but inside I feel strong...fearless...and calm. The few people I interact with tell me I seem different. I smile and tell them that "the road to Heaven is actually the Highway to Hell". Being an AC/DC fan, they laugh and think I'm just being weird and quirky.

The bottom line is, I now approve of myself and who I've always been. Authentic, honest, weird and quirky.
I wish you much luck and hope you get to where you want/need to be. (I have a feeling you will and I'm rooting for you!)

 

[whitecoast]

Since then, I've been very enthusiastic about continuing to practice nvc, but I've also had a lot of hesitations.
Even though it's based on a simple structure, it's often very trying, upsetting, challenging and difficult to practice. When I go to one of these workshops, I'm often confronted with all kinds of resistance, with parts of me that don't want to go, and I have doubts: is it worth it? Aren't there other, less trying ways?
Besides, it's still a practice that nobody around me really understands, and I find it hard to explain.
I feel rather alone with a practice I'd like everyone to know about, which is probably why I'm trying to share it here.
I wonder, does it speak to others? Is it just a step on my personal path? Is the nvc structure, taking back responsibility for one's feelings and needs, as coherent as it claims to be?

I've read a book on Nonviolent communication, by Judith and Ike Lasater (husband and wife), and I think you did a good job of laying things out.

The premise is that conflicts are a result of people not perceiving their needs as being met, which is the basis of negative emotion that serves to generate communications which can further exacerbate misunderstanding or further disconnect people from understanding one another or from fulfilling the needs of themselves or one another.

NVC contrasts itself with what it calls violent communication, which is a form of conversing that privileges the self over the other in the conversation, for example by offering an unqualified opinion as a fact (example, "you're late to a meeting," since people often have differing opinions on what counts as late - some think it's 1 minute past an agreed time while others think it's 5 or 15), or by evading the self-ownership and the vulnerability needed to establish functional adult relationships based on mutual respect, trust, honesty, and self-responsibility. Violent communication is a way of communicating that says it is just easier for a person to cast the other as a villain and themselves as a victim to make the other "wrong." When that approach and attitude is adopted it becomes much harder for two people to get their needs met by one another. And that's not to say that all human relationships are capable of satisfying one another's needs, but rather that if it IS possible for a working relationship to be developed, adopting this frame of objectivity (sticking to facts and not opinions) and external considering (being clear on our our needs are and what exactly it is we are trying to accomplish together in a conversation) is the best way to get there.

In practice, during nvc group workshops, we do a lot of role-playing in which we re-enact life situations we find difficult to handle.
During these games, we work on taking responsibility for our feelings and connecting more consciously to our needs.
We train ourselves to discern empathy from sympathy and antipathy, to perceive the feelings and needs of others without believing ourselves to be responsible for them, but by being able to remain present to others.
I've taken part in two practice groups and I've noticed that, once the group dynamic is well established, we end up working essentially on our parent-child relationships and those with our spouses, and it's within this framework that I feel a profound work on myself. Although we're very different groups of people, we're confronted with very similar difficulties, and the empathetic help of the group sheds light on these situations in a way I'd never been able to do on my own.
It's as if the intensity of the emotions experienced during a difficult situation were taken over by the energy of the group.
For example, by re-enacting a conflict situation with my partner in which my anger was overwhelming me, I was able to see and name, with the help of the group, the parts of me that were so strongly stimulated and welcome them with the group's benevolence, and then discover what my partner was going through that my anger was preventing me from seeing, through the participant who was playing the role of my partner.

Kudos to you. I've spent years in a container for group work and sharing about life situations and so on, and I think it is a good environment to work yourself. Obviously the quality of the leadership and aims of the group lays a large role in its usefulness, of course.

To me, the core message of NVC aligns broadly with the aims of the book Crucial Communications, as well as the chapters on interpersonal relations in Stephen Covey's Book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. IMO it is also more or less a rarefied implementation of External Considering.

"Aren't there other, less trying ways? " My 2x cents , yes , read gnosis , if you will , also words are limited thus (possibly ) enforcing negative feedback loops. And then there's the unseen in any (physically present group) , language is an amazing tool , but in self-knowledge there's implied a "need" for more.

I have an education in GK Rosenberg. Personally, it helped me a lot although some of the suggestions are not feasible and make little sense. This is also officially criticized by the teachers. Through GK and understanding the message square Schulz von Thun, I then created my own way of communicating that is successful.

I think this is a good thing to point out as well. The method you mentioned about observations, needs, feelings, and requests is a decent breakdown of a useful frame for resolving conflicts. One thing that comes to mind is that some people can obsess too much over the details and technical questions of how to say certain things "nonviolently". For example the training wheel sentence "when I see X I feel Y because my need Z is not meet. Can you [request W]?" Ultimately it is about connecting with the other person in away that is win-win, and even if someone says something that is an opinion or some other technical deviation, in truth communication is done right when the intention to connect with a person is apparent even if the delivery is not particularly refined. It's a tool to grow the quality of your relationships and learn more about yourself in the process, and the higher quality those relationships are, usually the easier it is to repair ruptures or disagreements, however people choose to converse.

This non-violent communication thing sounds very nice and good.

Just a quick one.

I work with demons, meaning murderers, rapists, abusers of women and men, and much more.

They are all happy for people to do everything you have said.

To use with people who are like you is a good practice perhaps.

I think sometimes the name of the communication framework can give the impression that it means walking on eggshells around people or treating them like they are made of sugar candy, or in other words placing one's own needs last. That was my immediate thought when I heard about the method before reading the book I mentioned above. I heard about it in passing from a woman at a volunteer gig and rolled my eyes subconsciously. But later on I did end up seeing her behave quite skillfully in a social situation where there was some dissonance and disagreement, and she was able to repair the ruptured relationship quite seamlessly. Since then I've come around to see it's much more about win-win situations instead of they-win-you-lose, to use the frame Covey developed in his book.

From what I know about interpersonal psychology and dealing with character disturbance, decent people who spend time learning the following:

1. thinking more clearly about and being more attuned to one's own needs in social interactions,
2. developing the introspection to see how their emotions can be affected by the behavior of others in relation to personal needs,
3. paying attention to the facts of a situation instead of opinions, judgements, wishes, et cetera which may arise from being triggered and prevent mutual understanding, and
4. being realistic about the fact that we can't command people but only make requests and then make the best decisions in light of the yes or no

are far less vulnerable to being taken advantage of in social situations generally. External considering means making life easier for others and for yourself, and the more skilled you are at external considering the more obvious it is when you encounter someone who is not able to consider others.

 

[Argos]

The bottom line is, I now approve of myself and who I've always been. Authentic, honest, weird and quirky.

thank you, I appreciate it, it resonates well with me.

Yes, solitary work, facing oneself remains fundamental and it is clearly the trials of life that formed me in the first place, seeing them as opportunities to learn is really part of me, I also think that it is an essential basis.
Nevertheless, being able to confront myself with other people who are also looking to learn seems to me to be a very useful advantage.
Moreover, writing here already helps me, by sharing with you, I see more clearly the questions that were working on me, a need for validation that I can only find in relation to myself, thank you to you and Miracle.
This very simple question "what has this changed in my life" completely escaped me and sheds light on what I am really trying to know.

I would like to point out that nvc is not a therapy, it is a practice, training in a different form of communication, based on a different semantic structure.
In the prerequisites of the ncv practice, it is formulated not to want to change the other, in any case, it would be a hindrance to communication.

Before participating in the practice groups, I did ten days of training, there it was a considerable investment for me (more than a thousand euros), I had wanted it for a long time and it was a moment when I received money in a completely unexpected way, I seized the opportunity.
And, in hindsight (it was three years ago), I notice that I often told myself that it was the best investment of my life and when I have this kind of thought, I always remain suspicious, I want to know in detail why?
Many elements of my life have gradually improved since then, but what are the elements that allow me to attribute so much merit to this practice of nvc?
Many good things have happened to me since then but I had come a long way.

I'll give a bit of context, basically from my 20s to my 47s they were really dark years for me, 15 years of struggle with drugs, I thought I could recover from everything easily and yes I have a good capacity for resilience but it wasn't easy at all, I learned painfully to resist states of possession of my mind.
Then I had a period of new age group, I still had a lot of illusions, I wanted to learn, I was ready to work but I was looking for a quick path, I wanted to believe in immediate results, it didn't work at all as I imagined! I learned that there were other ways of wanting to direct my mind against my interests.
Then, I spent almost 9 years with a partner who I was certain was the woman of my life, a self-proclaimed witch specializing in fighting demons in the astral, these were the worst years of my life, I was convinced that I was going to change her, improve her and that she was going to be my perfect woman, I learned that sex can be a powerful harmful drug and that my mistakes had a very heavy impact on my consciousness and my body, I have never seen so many UFOs as during this painful period.

It was only when I put a definitive end to this toxic relationship that my life began to improve but I was really in bad shape, I had lost a house, my cats and my dog, my money, my health ... I was starting over.

Note that I had on my side, first of all parents and a sister who were always loving and supportive despite my excesses, and a deep faith in my lucky star, a deep desire to learn with lots of enlightening reading like Laura in particular.

In short, it was two years after all that that I started practicing nvc, I was already on the rise. And, after remembering all these years I realize that yes nvc is a kind of personal step for me, like the little ingredient that comes to bind the sauce at the right time.
And I keep the desire to know how it worked.

I see that at the stage I was at, I no longer had any contact with my inner feelings, I was completely cut off from my feelings. This was one of the first things that nvc taught me, I was completely illiterate with my feelings and having needs was a rather strange concept for me.
In my first nvc books, there was a list of human needs including this one:
"protection from predators (specifically human predators)"
I found this very relevant, unfortunately the parenthesis was removed in later editions!

I need some time to think about how to describe the sequence of processes used that helped me.

 

[jacygirl]

Thank you for such a detailed response. I'm sorry you have been through so much, and I can definitely relate. While I am not familiar with nvc training, I do believe that only you can know what is helping you (which it seems to be). I believe in "you do you and I'll do me", and what works for you/anybody else may not necessarily work for me. Maybe, in my case, it's because I'm an only child who had to learn quickly to rely on myself and that mindset stuck with me.

I am very interested to hear more about the processes that helped you so will be keeping an eye on this thread. Untangling all our repressed emotions/hurts/guilt/shame/anger, and actually understanding that our reactions to things like abuse are not a character flaw...takes work, time and tears, but in the long run is worth it. Congratulations on committing to heal and grow. I wish more people would do that.

 

[placematt]

Hi Argos,
thanks for sharing your journey and speaking about NVC. I have never heard of it but it does sound like a really effective way to communicate. I also understand the reluctance to believe that something has been the answer when asked how has it helped or changed you. I always come back to the idea that was made very clear to me when reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker, It is never just one thing that can save us, But having a toolkit that enables us to continue to moving forward and working on ourselves. It sounds like NVC has been a great addition to your toolkit.

I see that at the stage I was at, I no longer had any contact with my inner feelings, I was completely cut off from my feelings. This was one of the first things that nvc taught me, I was completely illiterate with my feelings and having needs was a rather strange concept for me.
In my first nvc books, there was a list of human needs including this one:
"protection from predators (specifically human predators)"
I found this very relevant, unfortunately the parenthesis was removed in later editions!

I need some time to think about how to describe the sequence of processes used that helped me.

I have also found that how we communicate with others is in some way how we communicate with ourselves. If you can have that empathy and understanding with others, and have training and workshop groups that helps to have more balance when you communicate and identify your feelings, it sounds like a really good investment. Just for life in general. Im going to look into this myself actually as I could use improvements with my communication. thanks for sharing.

 

[Argos]

I also think that the nvc is a tool that suits me personally and that there are others that will be more suitable for other paths.
And the points that enlightened me in my journey certainly exist in other forms in other tools.
I tell myself that by sharing how I experienced them, it already enlightens me.

I notice, through everything I have just written, that one of the lessons that has come back regularly in my life is that I want to go too fast, persevering in a long regular work gives better fruits!

It is true that the practice of nvc has developed in all sorts of directions: conflict management, mediation, stress at work, couple relationships, child education…
The groups with which I trained come from a trainer who considers the nvc as "a wonderful tool for self-knowledge and that this knowledge is important for a good development of society".
I think that the very structure of the nvc process invites knowledge of oneself and others, the association of the nvc has naturally developed into different network groups that seek to make it evolve in the directions that correspond to them and I unconsciously moved towards a group that corresponded to me.

I started by regularly reading the list of feelings, at the beginning I was not able to connect them to concrete feelings (apart from the most intense ones, anger, sadness, joy, fear), it is only little by little, by seeing others try to express all the nuances that feelings can express that I began to reconnect with my body.

These are all words of everyday language, but I only knew how to use them to describe situations, circumstances of life, there I learned to consider them as information inside my body.

In my days of training in the nvc process, I remember that at the beginning I was surprised that the trainers never gave us "good points" or "bad marks", accustomed as I was to direct myself with this kind of external instructions. The exercises were entirely turned so that I discover landmarks within my feelings.
Landmarks that they named, explaining how to use them in a structure of coherent tags
This structure is observation - feeling - need - request, and although it is used formally, expressed in the exercises, the goal is that it is integrated internally, that it can function silently.



The only point that set off alarm bells in me was that, during the training days, my intellect went "off", I invested myself deeply in this practice to the point that my mind was completely put aside, I had only known this in practices that cost me dearly.
In hindsight, I think that my irresistible desire to go quickly made me invest myself as much as I could to integrate this practice; speaking with other participants they did not have their mind "off" at all. And my intellect was working wrong on many points, it is as if it had put itself aside perhaps to start to rectify itself. And perhaps also so that my attention would get used to being placed in my body and not just in my head.

There are many points on how this nvc process worked on me. First, there is what I call a kind of reversal in my awareness of seeing the world, I had always considered that my feelings were caused by the actions of others and in this process, external events are only the stimuli of my feelings whose real cause is the need that seeks to connect to the outside. It is my need that will determine the nature of my feeling. And the knowledge of this need will give me a power of action on the nature of my feeling.
Discovering that the positive or negative feelings that I experienced no longer depended on the actions of others but on the action strategies that I was going to choose with full knowledge of the facts, this changed my perspectives in a very favorable way.

I remembered that the C's had said that it was possible to have only positive feelings, I had always told myself that they must be talking about another reality that completely escaped me, but with this process it became credible, concrete (keeping in mind the need for long, regular work).
And then their remarks about implants that activate with negative feelings and the energy drain that goes with it, finding a way to limit my negative feelings interested me greatly.

Another point that helped me is that in the nvc process it is necessary not to want to look for a solution to the situation, to the conflict ... just try to see clearly what is happening in me, "what is alive in me", then see what is happening in the other and only then can we perceive what is happening in the relationship. When everything is clear, the quality of the relationship, good or bad, appears and the solution emerges naturally.

I have a lot of difficulty applying it concretely but when I succeed it is effective, it reminds me of the C's "not wanting to anticipate", intellectually looking for the solution to a problem does not help me to clearly perceive what is present in me, in the other, the balance of power that are at stake in the relationship.
We do a lot of exercises around this, really separating what is experienced by one from what is experienced by the other and then only perceiving the content of the relationship that is being played out.
When I see this well, new options appear to me, I did not see them at all at the beginning when I was trying to imagine the best solution.

There are still many other points that come to me, I did not expect it to take so long to write.
I wonder if my explanations are clear? Does this make sense to you?
I can go into more detail about what makes sense to me.