From my mail folders:
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the residents of the United States of America,
In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to
govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your
Independence, effective today at Five O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.
Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties
forthwith over all states, commonwealths, and other territories.
Except Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic
Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt
Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her
Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that difficult.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as
the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football," but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby
sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any "merde." The 97.85% of you who were not
aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be
called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the residents of the United States of America,
In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to
govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your
Independence, effective today at Five O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.
Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties
forthwith over all states, commonwealths, and other territories.
Except Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic
Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt
Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her
Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that difficult.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as
the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football," but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby
sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any "merde." The 97.85% of you who were not
aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be
called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
