Bewildered
The Force is Strong With This One
I need to, as the thread title states, open up here. It's not enough that I understand that a particular program skewed my view of the work here (see the Cassiopaea and Montalk thread http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=1767.0 for details). I don't think that's enough because it dawned on me that there are, in fact, many, many more that are doing a good job of keeping me from becoming involved in the work here. Seeing is believing...but now I need to fight through the malaise and turn believing into doing.
I think "malaise" covers it well. I experience a feverish unease because opening up makes me vulnerable, and vulnerable means there is a chance to be hurt. Despite this, I feel an opposing pressure that pushes against this uneasiness. I recall the C's warning about fence-sitters, and this opposing pressure grows. I need to jump off the fence now because I honestly believe that I am a prime target for pathological snipers - those hunters who love victims like me who present an easy target. If my recent experience with montalk isn't enough to convince me, then surely I deserve the splinters in my behind.
I would rather open up here, where I know there is a network, instead of some strange place where predators lurk. I need to expel the programming I have, and there is no way I can do that unless I apply myself to the work. I need all of you. Though she might not have intended it as such, Laura's request to share my private message about montalk to her with you all was a very clear message to me. I need to quit hiding in my room, so to speak, and come out into the open. Perhaps I need to climb up to the rooftop and start there.
I spent some time considering this thread...where can I start? Noise isn't going to cut it. I thought about it and it became clear to me that I need to share my experience with a pathological religious group I made a passing reference to in the message to Laura that I posted in the thread I linked above. I need to because to this day, 9 years after I left them, it is still an open wound that causes a great deal of confusion in my soul.
This will not be easy for me to do at all. Few people know about my experiences there...or even the basic fact that I spent 4 years amongst them. I don't discuss it. I basically disappeared from the face of the earth from 1997 to 2001. I broke all ties with my immediate family when I left to join these people. They couldn't understand why I would leave a budding career and a promising future behind to go live in the woods with a religious commune...but there you have it. This is exactly what I did. I felt the world was a sick, dark place...and in my blindness, I had no idea that I was entering into what would prove to be an equally sick and dark place.
I'll need to pause to collect my thoughts and focus, because I believe it is imperative that I work hard at cutting out noise so the real matter can be dealt with. I'll be hitting the bed soon (work early tomorrow), so I'll end this post at a place where I can start afresh tomorrow when I come home and can devote the time I need for this task. Thanks for bearing with me, and I'll come back here tomorrow to pick up where I left off.
I think "malaise" covers it well. I experience a feverish unease because opening up makes me vulnerable, and vulnerable means there is a chance to be hurt. Despite this, I feel an opposing pressure that pushes against this uneasiness. I recall the C's warning about fence-sitters, and this opposing pressure grows. I need to jump off the fence now because I honestly believe that I am a prime target for pathological snipers - those hunters who love victims like me who present an easy target. If my recent experience with montalk isn't enough to convince me, then surely I deserve the splinters in my behind.
I would rather open up here, where I know there is a network, instead of some strange place where predators lurk. I need to expel the programming I have, and there is no way I can do that unless I apply myself to the work. I need all of you. Though she might not have intended it as such, Laura's request to share my private message about montalk to her with you all was a very clear message to me. I need to quit hiding in my room, so to speak, and come out into the open. Perhaps I need to climb up to the rooftop and start there.
I spent some time considering this thread...where can I start? Noise isn't going to cut it. I thought about it and it became clear to me that I need to share my experience with a pathological religious group I made a passing reference to in the message to Laura that I posted in the thread I linked above. I need to because to this day, 9 years after I left them, it is still an open wound that causes a great deal of confusion in my soul.
This will not be easy for me to do at all. Few people know about my experiences there...or even the basic fact that I spent 4 years amongst them. I don't discuss it. I basically disappeared from the face of the earth from 1997 to 2001. I broke all ties with my immediate family when I left to join these people. They couldn't understand why I would leave a budding career and a promising future behind to go live in the woods with a religious commune...but there you have it. This is exactly what I did. I felt the world was a sick, dark place...and in my blindness, I had no idea that I was entering into what would prove to be an equally sick and dark place.
I'll need to pause to collect my thoughts and focus, because I believe it is imperative that I work hard at cutting out noise so the real matter can be dealt with. I'll be hitting the bed soon (work early tomorrow), so I'll end this post at a place where I can start afresh tomorrow when I come home and can devote the time I need for this task. Thanks for bearing with me, and I'll come back here tomorrow to pick up where I left off.
