Personal crisis

[skymargo]

Hi everyone! Recently I noticed strange behavioral pattern in me ...the thing is I’m 36 and last 6 years I’m in maternal vacation with 2 little kids ...everything went great but this year I’ve started overreacting to any criticism concerning my parenting ...like I’m taking everything concerning them and me toooo heart ...
As I’ve understood it, I have no job now and have started taking parenting as a everything I left to evaluate myself like successful and happy, I dedicate to them all my time nothing left to myself, almost no time for forum and meditation or my hobby - just kids...I understand they are still little and need me....everyone says I’m great mother (kids (6 and 3 yo) already speak of universe, aliens, good and evil, personal defense and magic of crystals etc what I teach them), but my breakdowns started to appear as soon as anybody try to help me/criticize my approach and to give a piece of advice ...I overreact and I don’t like it ...as I feel it’s not me...I’ve always been very gentle , caring and positive, kinda inspiring to others ...But now I feel I need help myself ...I’ve drowned in routine (still I love my life, came through a lot of shit successfully) and can’t find way out ...

Another thing is that my mother and sis say I’m loser that I don’t have career and just staying at home with kids ... but I want to work, I just have not found what I want to dedicate myself to...I’m in search ...in my previos jobs(corporate), I’ve always been a heart of team, people came to me for comfort and always have found consolation, piece of happiness and some sincere advice...I kinda miss being in a team...but now I can’t afford full time job as we can’t afford hiring a nanny , so I have to stay with kids all the time and of course I love them much...but I maybe have to learn to love myself too... but I just don’t know where to start ...

PS: I think it could be kinda of a program from childhood as our father early left for other family (now we’ve worked it out and are very close to each other) and I took responsibility for caring my little sis like father’s role...and that’s why I’m now such much caring of kids...
Any advise?

 

[aimarok]

So you say it started to happen only recently but you think the program might be from your childhood. Didn't anyone gave an advice or criticize your parenting skills before? I'm not to say there is no connection, it very much might be there, but something else could happen along the way.

Tracking the root of the problem can be helpful though you still have to work with the problem here and now. I noticed you didn't bring a lot details on your "episodes". How did it feel? Was there any ambivalence in your behavior, like feeling that you lost your track but being unable to stop doing it? Maybe you can try to imagine how it was perceived by people around you to get more objective view.

 

[skymargo]

So you say it started to happen only recently but you think the program might be from your childhood. Didn't anyone gave an advice or criticize your parenting skills before? I'm not to say there is no connection, it very much might be there, but something else could happen along the way.

Tracking the root of the problem can be helpful though you still have to work with the problem here and now. I noticed you didn't bring a lot details on your "episodes". How did it feel? Was there any ambivalence in your behavior, like feeling that you lost your track but being unable to stop doing it? Maybe you can try to imagine how it was perceived by people around you to get more objective view.

Thank you @aimarok for a feedback, it helps me much!
As for father’s relation programming , I’m not sure in what way it plays it’s role here, maybe it’s influence came in force only now ...I’ll be happy to hear your or any other comment concerning it and my present problem
As for my reaction to parenting criticism it appeared really only about a year ago ...before, relatives always gave advice concerning parenting (as in any family I suppose :)) but I accepted them as normal...

As for the my breakdowns, what I felt it was like self devaluation , felt empty/alone and as a way of self defense ‘attacking‘ others to their sensitive points (of course feeling guilty after) ... but I’m able to stop it myself (unfortunately not straight away)...usually I just need to stay alone, breath and smoke ...and in a couple of minutes I already feel at ease and ready to communicate peacefully..

Concerning feelings of others , I understand that I might hurt them by trying to defend myself (but now I see there were no need for defense as these people tried to help me (as they saw it, it’s just their personal opinion and they meant no bad intentions) ... what I understand now is as I may not agree with advice of relatives yet I may not react so emotionally to their words , I can talk and behave constructively in a usual way

 

[Sinapi]

Hi Skymargo, I think it's very admirable that you're able to take care of your kids full-time! Homemaking is very underappreciated in Western society thanks to feminism. I'm surprised your mother and sister feel that way because I thought Russians tend to be more accepting of the mother staying at home. You're not a loser at all; you're doing your best to give your children the best life you can. So don't let their unconstructive criticism bring you down.

Have you read some of the literature posted here on narcissism and narcissistic families? It might help you understand toxic family dynamics and give you ideas on how not to become attached to your family's opinions. Even reading a few pages a day is better than none at all, even if you're very busy with your kids.

Have you been doing the EE meditation recommended on the forum? You can do it after the little ones go to bed. It's very helpful for relieving tension and stress in your body and can help process negative emotions. Cigarettes can help, but we can't smoke all the time. I get the impression that you're stressed out from taking care of your children so much. I've reacted defensively and poorly to any perceived criticisms of what I do when I've been under a lot of stress, especially when I feel like I'm losing control of a situation.

I've never had children, but I had been a caregiver to my grandma with Alzheimer's for two years until it got to the point where she needed to go to an assisted living facility for her safety. It was the most stressful time of my life, and I said a lot of things I wasn't proud of, and a lot of the stress was from having almost no help (thanks to relatives going insane over COVID) and feeling like I was the only person capable of helping my grandma. Maybe those same relatives who give parenting advice would be willing to help look after your kids from time to time, to give you a break? They're old enough to go on play dates. I think once you can manage your stress better, you'll be less likely to have breakdowns or react as defensively to the parenting advice.

And who knows? Maybe if you really want your career back and not just because you feel pressured about it, opportunities will open up that can help you balance a career with childcare. My grandma wanted a career at a time when women were expected to stay at home and raise kids, so she ended up becoming a high school language teacher in order to do both.

In the meantime, maybe it would help you to make it an Aim to keep your mouth shut when getting parenting advice, and to just listen, and if a reply is necessary, say something like, "Thank you, I'll consider your advice" (even if you know it's terrible advice) and not engage the topic further. I know it's very hard in the moment when you have a bunch of emotional chemicals floating around, and you feel your pride is being hurt by not defending yourself, but it's better to let your ego feel hurt than to escalate a situation and damage your relationships with others. Plus, it helps set a better example for your kids to not take others' opinions so personally.

Besides consciously taking deep breaths with your belly, one way to help the chemicals go down is to just count to 90; I forget which doctor recommended it, but it's the amount of time it takes for adrenaline levels to go down when you feel angry. If you still feel angry, then you're holding onto a triggering thought that you need to let go of. There's also the work by Mel Robbins mentioned on the forum about counting down in your mind ("5, 4, 3, 2, 1") to help disrupt negative thought patterns and just do what you need to get done. That technique helped cure her chronic anxiety and lead a more successful life.

I hope at least some of that helps, and I wish you all the best.

 

[AndrewMn]

Hi, @skymargo !
Despite the fact that I am still a man and performed other duties in our family, I understand you very much and absolutely agree that it is hard for you to accept.
My wife was very worried earlier that she did not have the opportunity to earn directly (bringing income to the general family budget) and that she was constantly forced to deal with the child.
But in fact, everything is completely wrong, even if it seems otherwise to you. The fact that you are engaged in family, children and home is already a VERY important job. Not only important, but also very complex and responsible. I think that your husband would not be able to achieve success or calmly perform work duties, knowing that his children are in danger, without proper care or with strangers. With your work, you ensure the well-being of the whole family, including directly and financially.
It seems to me that this is the value of marriage and family. Support each other. My experience is such that I don't even consider my salary to be mine personally, this is our common income with my spouse. Since without her help (psychological, mental, just physical housework) I would not be able to earn and the income would be much less. Even if she had gone to work, we would have lost more.
Maybe I'm wrong and too subjective. (This is so, since I share only my own perception and experience).
As for improving your condition and advice - it seems to me the best way to distract you from such a condition would be to work online, which would not require a strict schedule (for example, it would allow you to do something during the children's daytime sleep hours, either in the evenings, or at a time when children are busy with toys). It could be a job according to your character and which would relieve the discomfort of lack of communication. Of course, "live" communication is difficult to replace remotely, but it can be partially compensated by online consultations, perhaps some kind of volunteer work (organizing something online).
I am sure that you have a lot of undiscovered talents that you can design into your "product" and try to offer it to people (by ensuring communication with them as with colleagues). Whether it's vocal lessons, online drawing courses, or whatever you do best (at the same time, remember - you DEFINITELY know how to do something better than others! (Don't underestimate yourself!)
And don't be afraid of criticism, just remember that your reaction to criticism is your ego, which suffers a lot. And you can learn to cope with this problem, because it's enough to remember that you are a unique person who is part of the universe and came to learn certain lessons.
Of course, the most difficult thing is to understand what you can be useful for, but this may be one of the lessons - to find yourself in a certain work or creativity and your situation is now just the beginning or the start of these searches.
I sincerely believe in you and wish you success!

Spoiler: In Russian text

Привет!
Несмотря на то, что я все-таки мужчина и выполнял в нашей семье другие обязанности, я очень вас понимаю и абсолютно согласен, что это тяжело вам принять.

Моя супруга очень переживала ранее, что напрямую не имеет возможности зарабатывать (принося доход в общий семейный бюджет) и что постоянно вынуждена заниматься ребёнком.

Но на самом деле все совершенно не так, даже если вам кажется иное. То, что вы занимаетесь семьей, детьми и домом - уже ОЧЕНЬ важная работа. Не только важная, но и очень сложная и ответственная. Я думаю, что ваш муж не смог бы достигать успеха или спокойно выполнять трудовые обязанности, зная, что его дети в опасности, без должного ухода или с чужими людьми. Своим трудом вы обеспечиваете благополучие всей семьи, в том числе напрямую и материальное.

Мне кажется, в этом и есть ценность брака и семьи. Поддержка друг друга. Мой опыт таков, что я даже не считаю свою зарплату лично моей, это наш общий с супругой доход. Так как без её помощи (психологической, душевной, просто физической по хозяйству) я бы не смог зарабатывать и доход был бы намного меньше. Даже если бы она вышла на работу, мы бы больше потеряли.

Возможно, я ошибаюсь и слишком субъективен. (Это так, поскольку я делюсь только собственным восприятием и опытом).
Что касается улучшения Вашего состояния и совета - мне кажется лучшим способом отвлечь Вас от такого состояния - была бы работа онлайн, которая не требовала бы жёсткого графика (например позволила бы вам что-то выполнять в часы дневного сна детей, либо вечерами, либо в момент, когда дети заняты игрушками). Это могла бы быть работа по Вашему характеру и которая сняла бы дискомфорт отсутствия общения. Конечно, "живое" общение сложно заменить удалённо, но можно компенсировать частично онлайн-консультациями, возможно, какой-то волонтёрской работой (организацией онлайн чего-либо).
Я уверен, что у вас есть масса нераскрытых талантов, которые вы можете оформить в свой "продукт" и попробовать предложить его людям (обеспечив себе общение с ними, как с коллегами). Будь то уроки вокала, курсы рисования онлайн или что-либо, что у вас получается лучше всего (при этом помните - вы ТОЧНО что-то умеете лучше других! (Не стОит недооценивать себя!) И не нужно боятся критики, просто помните, что ваша реакция на критику - это ваше эго, которое очень страдает. А с этой проблемой можно научится справляться, так как достаточно помнить - вы уникальная личность, которая является частью вселенной и пришла чтобы выучить определённые уроки.
Конечно, самое трудное - понять чем же вы можете быть полезны, но это может быть и есть один из уроков - найти себя в определённой работе или творчестве и ваша ситуация сейчас просто самое начало или старт этих поисков.
Я искренне верю в вас и желаю успеха!

 

[skymargo]

Hi Skymargo, I think it's very admirable that you're able to take care of your kids full-time! Homemaking is very underappreciated in Western society thanks to feminism. I'm surprised your mother and sister feel that way because I thought Russians tend to be more accepting of the mother staying at home. You're not a loser at all; you're doing your best to give your children the best life you can. So don't let their unconstructive criticism bring you down.

Have you read some of the literature posted here on narcissism and narcissistic families? It might help you understand toxic family dynamics and give you ideas on how not to become attached to your family's opinions. Even reading a few pages a day is better than none at all, even if you're very busy with your kids.

Have you been doing the EE meditation recommended on the forum? You can do it after the little ones go to bed. It's very helpful for relieving tension and stress in your body and can help process negative emotions. Cigarettes can help, but we can't smoke all the time. I get the impression that you're stressed out from taking care of your children so much. I've reacted defensively and poorly to any perceived criticisms of what I do when I've been under a lot of stress, especially when I feel like I'm losing control of a situation.

I've never had children, but I had been a caregiver to my grandma with Alzheimer's for two years until it got to the point where she needed to go to an assisted living facility for her safety. It was the most stressful time of my life, and I said a lot of things I wasn't proud of, and a lot of the stress was from having almost no help (thanks to relatives going insane over COVID) and feeling like I was the only person capable of helping my grandma. Maybe those same relatives who give parenting advice would be willing to help look after your kids from time to time, to give you a break? They're old enough to go on play dates. I think once you can manage your stress better, you'll be less likely to have breakdowns or react as defensively to the parenting advice.

And who knows? Maybe if you really want your career back and not just because you feel pressured about it, opportunities will open up that can help you balance a career with childcare. My grandma wanted a career at a time when women were expected to stay at home and raise kids, so she ended up becoming a high school language teacher in order to do both.

In the meantime, maybe it would help you to make it an Aim to keep your mouth shut when getting parenting advice, and to just listen, and if a reply is necessary, say something like, "Thank you, I'll consider your advice" (even if you know it's terrible advice) and not engage the topic further. I know it's very hard in the moment when you have a bunch of emotional chemicals floating around, and you feel your pride is being hurt by not defending yourself, but it's better to let your ego feel hurt than to escalate a situation and damage your relationships with others. Plus, it helps set a better example for your kids to not take others' opinions so personally.

Besides consciously taking deep breaths with your belly, one way to help the chemicals go down is to just count to 90; I forget which doctor recommended it, but it's the amount of time it takes for adrenaline levels to go down when you feel angry. If you still feel angry, then you're holding onto a triggering thought that you need to let go of. There's also the work by Mel Robbins mentioned on the forum about counting down in your mind ("5, 4, 3, 2, 1") to help disrupt negative thought patterns and just do what you need to get done. That technique helped cure her chronic anxiety and lead a more successful life.

I hope at least some of that helps, and I wish you all the best.

Big thanks to you @Sinapi for support, sharing your experience and a good advice ! Everything you wrote is just as if my own thoughts: too much stress , narcissistic family, getting under control my ego...
Concerning EE , I did it few times by myself (but more often I do yoga, I even dreamed to be a yoga teacher but didn’t find time for getting a degree)....I’d like to join EE program, just need to check schedule for Russian time, anyway, as I’m good at yoga I may learn EE program and do it whenever I have time

 

[skymargo]

Hi, @skymargo !
Despite the fact that I am still a man and performed other duties in our family, I understand you very much and absolutely agree that it is hard for you to accept.
My wife was very worried earlier that she did not have the opportunity to earn directly (bringing income to the general family budget) and that she was constantly forced to deal with the child.
But in fact, everything is completely wrong, even if it seems otherwise to you. The fact that you are engaged in family, children and home is already a VERY important job. Not only important, but also very complex and responsible. I think that your husband would not be able to achieve success or calmly perform work duties, knowing that his children are in danger, without proper care or with strangers. With your work, you ensure the well-being of the whole family, including directly and financially.
It seems to me that this is the value of marriage and family. Support each other. My experience is such that I don't even consider my salary to be mine personally, this is our common income with my spouse. Since without her help (psychological, mental, just physical housework) I would not be able to earn and the income would be much less. Even if she had gone to work, we would have lost more.
Maybe I'm wrong and too subjective. (This is so, since I share only my own perception and experience).
As for improving your condition and advice - it seems to me the best way to distract you from such a condition would be to work online, which would not require a strict schedule (for example, it would allow you to do something during the children's daytime sleep hours, either in the evenings, or at a time when children are busy with toys). It could be a job according to your character and which would relieve the discomfort of lack of communication. Of course, "live" communication is difficult to replace remotely, but it can be partially compensated by online consultations, perhaps some kind of volunteer work (organizing something online).
I am sure that you have a lot of undiscovered talents that you can design into your "product" and try to offer it to people (by ensuring communication with them as with colleagues). Whether it's vocal lessons, online drawing courses, or whatever you do best (at the same time, remember - you DEFINITELY know how to do something better than others! (Don't underestimate yourself!)
And don't be afraid of criticism, just remember that your reaction to criticism is your ego, which suffers a lot. And you can learn to cope with this problem, because it's enough to remember that you are a unique person who is part of the universe and came to learn certain lessons.
Of course, the most difficult thing is to understand what you can be useful for, but this may be one of the lessons - to find yourself in a certain work or creativity and your situation is now just the beginning or the start of these searches.
I sincerely believe in you and wish you success!

Spoiler: In Russian text

Привет!
Несмотря на то, что я все-таки мужчина и выполнял в нашей семье другие обязанности, я очень вас понимаю и абсолютно согласен, что это тяжело вам принять.

Моя супруга очень переживала ранее, что напрямую не имеет возможности зарабатывать (принося доход в общий семейный бюджет) и что постоянно вынуждена заниматься ребёнком.

Но на самом деле все совершенно не так, даже если вам кажется иное. То, что вы занимаетесь семьей, детьми и домом - уже ОЧЕНЬ важная работа. Не только важная, но и очень сложная и ответственная. Я думаю, что ваш муж не смог бы достигать успеха или спокойно выполнять трудовые обязанности, зная, что его дети в опасности, без должного ухода или с чужими людьми. Своим трудом вы обеспечиваете благополучие всей семьи, в том числе напрямую и материальное.

Мне кажется, в этом и есть ценность брака и семьи. Поддержка друг друга. Мой опыт таков, что я даже не считаю свою зарплату лично моей, это наш общий с супругой доход. Так как без её помощи (психологической, душевной, просто физической по хозяйству) я бы не смог зарабатывать и доход был бы намного меньше. Даже если бы она вышла на работу, мы бы больше потеряли.

Возможно, я ошибаюсь и слишком субъективен. (Это так, поскольку я делюсь только собственным восприятием и опытом).
Что касается улучшения Вашего состояния и совета - мне кажется лучшим способом отвлечь Вас от такого состояния - была бы работа онлайн, которая не требовала бы жёсткого графика (например позволила бы вам что-то выполнять в часы дневного сна детей, либо вечерами, либо в момент, когда дети заняты игрушками). Это могла бы быть работа по Вашему характеру и которая сняла бы дискомфорт отсутствия общения. Конечно, "живое" общение сложно заменить удалённо, но можно компенсировать частично онлайн-консультациями, возможно, какой-то волонтёрской работой (организацией онлайн чего-либо).
Я уверен, что у вас есть масса нераскрытых талантов, которые вы можете оформить в свой "продукт" и попробовать предложить его людям (обеспечив себе общение с ними, как с коллегами). Будь то уроки вокала, курсы рисования онлайн или что-либо, что у вас получается лучше всего (при этом помните - вы ТОЧНО что-то умеете лучше других! (Не стОит недооценивать себя!) И не нужно боятся критики, просто помните, что ваша реакция на критику - это ваше эго, которое очень страдает. А с этой проблемой можно научится справляться, так как достаточно помнить - вы уникальная личность, которая является частью вселенной и пришла чтобы выучить определённые уроки.
Конечно, самое трудное - понять чем же вы можете быть полезны, но это может быть и есть один из уроков - найти себя в определённой работе или творчестве и ваша ситуация сейчас просто самое начало или старт этих поисков.
Я искренне верю в вас и желаю успеха!

Thank you @AndrewMn for sharing men’s point of view on that kind of problem to speak the truth , I sometimes argue with my husband that his job is much easier than mine))...I’m not feminist at all but I’d like men to take more responsibility and part concerning upbringing of the kids...I understand that men have to think of maintaining the family, but kids are not just mother’s , it’s family/cosmic decision , choice of both parts
As for the job , I already have in mind a couple of variants , but I’m also open to what universe have in store for me At the same time I understand we have little time left though as Cs say future is open - wait and see

 

[Korzik18]

@skymargo , I just want to support you and tell you that you are not alone in your feelings. Being a mother is a real job that requires full dedication from a woman. At first glance, it seems to me that you have an emotional burnout. It may also explain your sharp reaction to criticism from the outside . After all, now you are especially needed in understanding and support.

You're tired. It's like chronic stress. 6 years to raise, educate, care for, treat, play, give all your time, attention, love, care to children is difficult. Of course, it is easier for some, more difficult for others. The resources of any person run out if there is no feeding from the outside in the form of favorite activities.

In difficult moments, I was helped by the idea that children grow up quickly and you will never see them like today (naive, funny, capricious, inquisitive, open), so you need to enjoy the moment and try to shift the focus of your attention from the negative to the positive. More often to live in the moment, paying attention to what you feel at this particular moment. Abandon perfectionism and do not blame yourself for sharp reactions. Nourish your nervous system at least with vitamins of group B.
And also follow the wonderful advice from @Sinapi.

Remind yourself more often that all your efforts are not in vain. The role of the mother is of great importance for the full development of the child at an early age . Emotions, love, care, energy that you are putting into your kids now will help them in their independent way later.

Time is fleeting. Your children will not always be toddlers. They will go to school and kindergarten. Every year you will have more and more additional free time, time for yourself and your other social roles that feed you with energy.

This is my one-sided view of your situation, but in my experience I know that problems are more often complex and it is not always possible to immediately find the true cause and a quick solution.

I wish you good luck on your way!

 

[Gwenllian]

I think you have already received excellent advice, skymargo. Being a full-time mum is a top job, and many people may underestimate what it entails and how much energy mothers spend on their kids and home to keep everything afloat. But as others have said: it will get better once your children are a bit older. And yes, try to enjoy your time with the kids as much as you can. I loved my kids' inquisitiveness, their energy, creativity and so on. Even if someone had offered me a million euros I would not have gone back to work! What you do is important work, but getting some time for yourself is also paramount. You don't want to run on empty batteries and miss out on all the fun! Perhaps you can make a deal with your husband and ask him to take the kids somewhere during the week-ends while you stay at home and have a nap, do EE, read a romance novel and what have you. Besides, kids need their father, too.

Kudos to you for networking. Keep up the good work!

 

[Natus Videre]

I understand they are still little and need me....everyone says I’m great mother (kids (6 and 3 yo) already speak of universe, aliens, good and evil, personal defense and magic of crystals etc what I teach them)

One day, your children will become your teammates pursuing the Fourth Way. Your progress is their progress, and vice versa.
Keep tuning DNA receptors for Cosmic energies, and all else will fall into place.

 

[Sinapi]

Big thanks to you @Sinapi for support, sharing your experience and a good advice ! Everything you wrote is just as if my own thoughts: too much stress , narcissistic family, getting under control my ego...
Concerning EE , I did it few times by myself (but more often I do yoga, I even dreamed to be a yoga teacher but didn’t find time for getting a degree)....I’d like to join EE program, just need to check schedule for Russian time, anyway, as I’m good at yoga I may learn EE program and do it whenever I have time

You're welcome, Skymargo! Everyone here has shared excellent advice. Yoga is great for stress relief, too! EE is like a yogic practice as well, although it is much more focused on the breathing to relieve stress. Even if you don't have time for the full program, the pipe breathing portion and breathing with the Prayer of the Soul meditation at the end is still a very effective way of relieving stress -- nowadays I fall asleep right after doing it! Or even just a session of pipe breathing when you have a few spare moments can help relieve tension in your body. The beatha / rapid breathing portion isn't recommended for those already experiencing a lot of emotional catharsis, so it may be best for now to do the pipe breathing, warrior's breath (it works when quietly exhaling a "Ha!" instead of shouting it, too), and the meditation.

In case the schedule for public EE sessions doesn't work for you, here is the full program on YouTube for your reference. You can go into the settings and enable Russian subtitles if you need them. It's good to have a refresher on how to do the exercises and why you do them when you haven't done the program in a while. Take care!

 

[Tuulikki]

Hello Skymargo. As others have mentioned, being a mother is not an easy road. I am not a parent myself but I can absolutely empathise with your dilemma. It sounds as if you are loving everyone around but not yourself as much as you should be. Children are so precious and it sounds as if you are bringing yours up in the "right" way as seen by us here in the forum. However you need to devote some time to yourself. I have recently started doing EE on my own although I hope to join a meeting for it soon. I hope you are able to do this also. Meditation is also extremely beneficial if you can devote some of your "spare" time to it. As for family members who are unhelpfully critical -

Another thing is that my mother and sis say I’m loser that I don’t have career and just staying at home with kids

These are not the sort of comments one expects from family and are best ignored if you are able. It is easy to criticise others but none of us are in any one else's shoes and cannot truly understand what situations others are going through. You have an excellent support network here on the forum so I wish you all the best with getting your life back on track. Also don't forget to have some fun along the way...children are the best teachers in that respect.

 

[skymargo]

Big thanks to you , guys , you are awesome and so much inspiring !!! I’ll use your advices and recommendations
Yes, I try to put everything I know into children and seems sometimes I overestimate my energy and end up left nothing to myself thus accumulating stress...actually it’s a big job for me to find balance here as I actually get used to this pattern of putting children in the center ...
Being a very sensitive person I also need to learn controlling my emotions and ego in stress situation
I’m sure thanks to networking, mediation , self control and care and also not forgetting to have fun with kids and without I’ll manage to cope with it

 

[Antony]

Dear forumites, thanks all of you for precious advices to my wife @skymargo, a lot to ponder about and implement. She is a very kind and sensitive/emotional person. And even more tolerant to kid’s ‘pranks’, stubborn and irritation behavior than i am. Her pedagogical education plays a good role here. After our elder child was born, i did not want her to return to office work, although in material way it would be a good input. As we understand that upbringing of child in our crazy world is itself a great challenge and worth to wholly concentrate on. It went smoothly till our younger child reached 2-3 years old. The childish but nervous ‘conflicts’ between them, routine-after kindergarten (where 2/3s of children are being vaccinated every month-and we are antivax) they started regularly to catch different illnesses, so that skymargo was forced to stay at home for many weeks for quite a long periods of time. That definitely stressed her much.
Also i would add her ‘excellent student complex’ - plays a negative role here. She is used to do everything perfect although of course we understand that it is impossible in our world. So that as my spouse mentioned above - after the snowball of criticism towards her main responsibility rose over the top - it triggered defense reaction which sadly led people around being offended.
Her relatives are a soulful people, but totally engaged in ‘system’s’ narrative (interestingly that when we got just acquainted we could talk on every issue of The Topic including ET etc, but than something happened in their lives - that put them back to ‘sleep’). After that moment they started ‘softly’ but regularly criticize our ‘4th way of life’. ‘Wrong’ food, teachings, attitude towards children's upbringing...etc. My parents also refused/became afraid our way and they do also sometimes bring discord. But Skymargo is open to her mother/sister’s and they steadily continue lay ‘a landmine’ for future cases. That channel must be ‘firewalled’ as well.

I am not sure whether it is a program from childhood or may be even attachment, as one dear forum member mentioned above, but it is an issue that has to be worked out asap. @skymargo already started that important work on thyself by recognizing/diagnosing the problem.
From my side, i am trying to dedicate more time to children, so that she has more time for Work on herself
Interesting note, children are now ‘testing’ us on the same lessons that we had in our childhood. Being naughty and how my parents reacted for example. Now trying to avoid Overreaction, so not to repeat parent’s mistakes. What an irony
I believe with Your help and signs of Divine Cosmic Mind-providing great lifehacks, will definitely manage to overcome that obstacle