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Ulrich
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Spaniards Vow To Once Again Decimate Population Of New World
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THE ONION (November 22, 2006 )
MADRID-Seeking to reestablish Spain's global dominance after centuries of diminished empire, Spanish King Juan Carlos proclaimed yesterday his intention to unleash a mighty fighting force of conquistadores to reconquer, convert, enslave, and exploit the native populations of the Western Hemisphere.
"On this day we set sail for the New World to reclaim what is rightfully ours, and any savage who opposes us shall be either chained or broken in our name," Juan Carlos told the slightly confused crowd of Madrid citizens gathered under threat of death outside the Placio Imperiatus, formerly the Banco Madrid. "All shall bow their heads to Spain and Christ or lose them!"
"Be warned, peoples of the Americas, for the Reino Imperio de Espana comes to wreak havoc upon your heads and bring you under the yoke of Christ, God save you," he added.
Juan Carlos issued an Imperial decree to build an "unstoppable" naval fleet of some 130 ships constructed from the "finest timbers felled from the grandest forests of Christendom," the likes of which, according to Spanish lore, "has not been espied on the high seas since the glory days of the 16th century."
Upon reaching the New World, the "Nueva Conquistadores" are entreated to establish military strongholds in such strategic ports as Havana, Santo Domingo, Port-au-Prince, Caracas, and Miami and use gleaming armor and mastery of gunpowder to convince locals that they are demigods. The invading forces will then "completely annihilate" native industrial sectors and "place the natives under the whip," forcing them to toil for gold to finance Spain's continued expansion.
"Cowardly brutes of the New World: Prepare for either salvation and servitude or hell on earth!" Juan Carlos intoned into an ornate red and gold megaphone before the largely silent crowd.
The Grande y Felicisima Armada Invencible, armed with an arsenal of cannons and muskets, is expected to subdue the area's estimated 500 million residents-more than 10 times the population of Spain itself-with "sheer force and the purifying flame of the Lord" sometime next spring, when the three-masted ships complete their arduous journey across the Atlantic. ( ... )
Complete article:
www.theonion.com/content/node/55531
© Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc.
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THE ONION (November 22, 2006 )
MADRID-Seeking to reestablish Spain's global dominance after centuries of diminished empire, Spanish King Juan Carlos proclaimed yesterday his intention to unleash a mighty fighting force of conquistadores to reconquer, convert, enslave, and exploit the native populations of the Western Hemisphere.
"On this day we set sail for the New World to reclaim what is rightfully ours, and any savage who opposes us shall be either chained or broken in our name," Juan Carlos told the slightly confused crowd of Madrid citizens gathered under threat of death outside the Placio Imperiatus, formerly the Banco Madrid. "All shall bow their heads to Spain and Christ or lose them!"
"Be warned, peoples of the Americas, for the Reino Imperio de Espana comes to wreak havoc upon your heads and bring you under the yoke of Christ, God save you," he added.
Juan Carlos issued an Imperial decree to build an "unstoppable" naval fleet of some 130 ships constructed from the "finest timbers felled from the grandest forests of Christendom," the likes of which, according to Spanish lore, "has not been espied on the high seas since the glory days of the 16th century."
Upon reaching the New World, the "Nueva Conquistadores" are entreated to establish military strongholds in such strategic ports as Havana, Santo Domingo, Port-au-Prince, Caracas, and Miami and use gleaming armor and mastery of gunpowder to convince locals that they are demigods. The invading forces will then "completely annihilate" native industrial sectors and "place the natives under the whip," forcing them to toil for gold to finance Spain's continued expansion.
"Cowardly brutes of the New World: Prepare for either salvation and servitude or hell on earth!" Juan Carlos intoned into an ornate red and gold megaphone before the largely silent crowd.
The Grande y Felicisima Armada Invencible, armed with an arsenal of cannons and muskets, is expected to subdue the area's estimated 500 million residents-more than 10 times the population of Spain itself-with "sheer force and the purifying flame of the Lord" sometime next spring, when the three-masted ships complete their arduous journey across the Atlantic. ( ... )
Complete article:
www.theonion.com/content/node/55531
© Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc.