Psychosomaticism? Possession?

[Smallwood]

A question about something that would suggest some type of psychosomatic disorder:

First of, my apologies if this seems hastily put together. As I'm getting frustrated with this particular issue of my psyche, and have been meaning to ask something along these lines earlier, but time and again dropped it, I've now decided to just put the question as as concise that I can. I'll be happy to elaborate anyway if need be.

There has been an intriguing development in me ever since the junior-high which was the most defining time in my life.

I have a nagging fear it could be a possession of some sort, or "merely" some strange psychosomatic disorder. I really doubt that it is any sort of a beneficial thing at any rate.

It might be hard to make any sense of it, but I try:

I can "feel" my thoughts, for example. If I want, I can "materialize" a balloon inside my mind and feel it's effect on my body anywhere that I want to place it. The effect is however strongest when "inside my head".

How this relates to the Work, or rather the way I have been going at it, is that I can sort of visualize my sleeping emotional center (as an appropriate example) as a heart with crust around it, or as a heart locked inside some sort of mechanism. Through this "psychosomatic" method I can "purge" my heart from the surrounding crust or open the mechanism and lift it up from my heart and let it function (read: allow emotion to take place). It sort of works, in that whenever I repeatedly do it, I can get a feeling that is "nice", but I'm not sure at all whether it is genuine emotion (probably not, I'm afraid).

It doesn't seem to be a right approach at all, but at this state I have no idea what would be an agreeable emotional approach from the Work perspective. Frankly, as things have stood for some years, I don't know much about normal emotional life at all. There have been a few times after since I've gotten familiar with Cass-material that I have felt a genuine emotional re-awakening of sorts, but those haven't persisted for any longer period of time

I was experimenting with this long before I was even aware of any type of inner work. So, it has become something of a habit also.

Also, the emotional aspect is only one facet of what I can "do" with this "nice" feature of my mind. When I was at ninth grade, I remember clearly feeling someone "fingering" around my brain. I would try to stop that feeling (or was it only a feeling? Was someone/something conscious really manipulating my moods? I don't know for sure) with imagining a "clam" and snapping the seeming "finger" jumping around my mind.

When I came across the Cass-stuff, I imagined that it might be something like a possession and imagined my mind shut to it (like pulling something over my head to cover it from the intruding "finger/hand"). It seemed to work, as that "fingering" sensation hasn't spontaneously appeared since. Still, I don't think I'm particularly better off.



At this point I would just like to know what this thing might be. I've read some stuff about psychosomaticism, but haven't found any deeper interpretations. Is it possible that this is some sort of possession? I have had some quite intense dreams and a couple of waking moments that suggest to me that something really nasty shares my mind with me. Has anyone experienced something like this and have they recovered? And in case this is pure and simple psychosomaticism, what would of therapy/medication/help would be necessary? Any insight is appreciated.

 

[Buddy]

Hi Smallwood;

Last June you stated you were being diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I understand there's often some unique, internal logic associated with that as well as occasional things like 'photographic memory' in some folks with the condition (?).

It's a relatively recent 'discovery' as well, so that prompts me to ask if you've done any research on this to see if anything like what you've been experiencing is typical, atypical, or even mentioned in any documentation?

I also notice your focus on the 'negative' possible aspect of your experience, even though your 'clamshell' stopped the finger-probing. So that could be a good thing, right? :)

 

[Smallwood]

Yes, the Asperger-connection has been under some consideration. In the end, I didn't end up being diagnosed as a classical case, though there were many symptoms that I showed. They haven't exactly disappeared but I think I have a better handle on them (and what matters most, the motivation) to work on those defects, thanks to this site. I do remember something vague about reading something about internal logic in aspie-cases, I will read some of the available Asperger-syndrome material again with that in mind.

Hmmm... after more considering, I suppose a part of the problem would also be the tendency to dissociation, and perhaps this whole possession/"psychosomaticism"-scenario is just a screen for that. It's a serious impairment when it comes to self-observing and grasping some deeply emotional truths that need to be acknowledged in order to get into bottom of many programs. Perhaps I just need to persist.

Need to read the Myth of Sanity again, I realized I was actually dissociating a lot when reading it the first time! Also, need to find me a hypnotherapist or something equal.

Still, I remain curious about the mental "visualizing" (a more correct word for the thing I was describing in the first post). I guess, the thing I'm most wondering about is that is it possible, that I have started this whole thing on a wrong foundation, keeping in mind that this "visualizing" was going on a lot before I came across the Work, and moreover, it emerged during emotionally tumultuous times. If there is one thing that I so dislike, it is to erase everything and start all over again. But that is something that only I can ever find out. Still, if someone has further insight into this, I won't mind hearing it at all.

 

[Aiming]

Hi Smallwood!

I have had some quite intense dreams and a couple of waking moments that suggest to me that something really nasty shares my mind with me.

Maybe you could elaborate on your dreams and those waking moments you're mentioning here - becuz maybe what they are suggesting to you is not quite objective.
For the dreams at least I know one member of this forum who's got a sharp mind to analyze them pretty accurately... maybe that would help shed some light, too?

 

[Buddy]

Still, I remain curious about the mental "visualizing"...

Ok, it was just that when you said this:

I can "feel" my thoughts, for example. If I want, I can "materialize" a balloon inside my mind and feel it's effect on my body anywhere that I want to place it. The effect is however strongest when "inside my head".
[...]
Through this "psychosomatic" method I can "purge" my heart from the surrounding crust or open the mechanism and lift it up from my heart and let it function (read: allow emotion to take place).

...it seemed related to this:

Children with ASD often demonstrate enhanced perception of small changes in patterns such as
arrangements of objects or well-known images; typically this is domain-specific and involves
processing of fine-grained features. Conversely, compared to individuals with high-functioning
autism, individuals with AS have deficits in some tasks involving visual-spatial perception,
auditory perception, or visual memory. Many accounts of individuals with AS and ASD report
other unusual sensory and perceptual skills and experiences. They may be unusually sensitive or insensitive to sound, light, touch, texture, taste, smell, pain, temperature, and other stimuli, and they may exhibit synesthesia.
Source: _http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

 

[Smallwood]

On those specific dreams, I have an element of a clown in them. The clown is always the same, though slightly changing in appearance, a lot inspired by the movie "IT" (of which I did have many nightmares of, which can explain a lot). One interesting connection that I have made is that often in early youth I participated in self-abasing and clownish behaviour to get laughs and to shock people. Maybe it is only the because I am a wholly different person now than I was then that it seems that way to me, but it really looks a lot like I wasn't exactly in perfect control of myself. I was spellbinded by one particular individual (we had a seemingly strong, though on and offish, friendship of six years prior to those events), a classical psychopath, so that was another aspect of not being in control of myself. Maybe it was the effect of his magic running in me? I don't know, but whatever it was, it left an odd mark. The "intruding finger" didn't take long to appear after that BTW. So, the mental conception of clown as a self-image is certainly there among with very strong negative emotions.

Anyway, back to the dreams. Their details aren't all that important (I can't seem to, or don't want to, remember most of them), but those dreams always seem to have that certain "air" in them right from the beginning, almost decaying athmosphere, with very violent imagery. One involved me watching from close range when the clown's head was being punctured with a drill through the forehead (where the third eye would be), him laughing all the way through the "operation". Though that is somewhat an odd detail, the rest is pretty much just images. There has been one actually humorous one, involving the clown promising me to get rid of "our enemies", if I just succumbed to it's control. There was another, a positive one with a great sense of purpose, quite long and "prophetic" (in one sense) dream of a long journey from a house that resembles the one in which I live now to another towery like building. That whole dream is quite interesting in itself, but I'll just describe the last scene before waking up. I think in the light of my present knowledge learned via this site it is the most important part of the dream.

I was at the bottom floor of a high tower. There weren't any windows, but I knew it was night and the room was dark, with burning torches on the walls. I was sitting at a table reading an old book. I focused on the text and the words lit up: "He will learn to love the world, He will learn to love the people, He will learn to love himself" (I don't remember the exact words, but that is the best approximation, the message was essentially that). Then I noticed that the area around my mouth was sticky wet. I also tasted blood in my mouth. Perplexed, I looked up from the book and saw in the room a mirror directly in front of me. In the mirror, I saw the clown, in a way that it could have been my reflection but at the same time there was a distinct sense of difference between us. The clown also had blood around it's wide open, laughing mouth. It held utensils pointed upward in it's hands that it rested on the table. It's eyes sent shivers through every part of my body. We stared eachother for a moment when I heard someone say (or thought myself): "What are you two laughing at?".

And then I woke up. I wrote it down immediately after I woke up, as it had so many connections to my then current life situation that I felt that it was too important to ignore. The "prophetic" aspect which I mentioned was elementary in me joining this forum at the time when Pepin lawsuit was announced. The dream carried a sense that I was to find a new home (the tower) which would greatly increase my wisdom for a short time before it would be "lost to me". I didn't at all connect it to Sott before the Pepin suit at which time I realized the importance of this site (I think I saw this dream about a year before the Pepin suit). In the end I only donated 10 euros overall to the two fundraisers (due to the lack of cc), but I like to think it made some difference.

Sorry about this, got a little sidetracked, but I thought it would be interesting to mention that it was because of this clown dream that I joined this forum. At the time I had no conscious concept of what the mirror meant for example, so it is really interesting to return to think of it in light of all the new stuff learned here :)

Anyway, I was meaning to talk about the possession stuff as I described it. Well, it is every time after one of the negative (and they are mostly negative when they occur) clown dreams that I get into very aggressive, white hot rage which does seem to be often directed to some aspect of myself, probably the anger at lack of making progress. These rages seem to direct me towards some harmful activities, atleast in the mental sphere. It is often at these times when I get the feeling that something other than me is ultimately in the control of myself, something that has every intention of turning me into something I would never wish to consciously become, if only for the sake of close people who would be broken to see me like that.

Last major time that this happened was before last Christmas, but it wasn't because of a clown dream in this instance. I read something about the "black/negative magnetic center" on this forum that sent me into all kinds of dark daydreams of how I was probably brain/body/soul-controlled from 4th density. I must admit that even though I've learned much from this medium, I've also spent very much time wastingly in sleep that could have been used way more effectively. I was actually getting enamored with the STS-mode of thought, thinking something to the effect "*Bleep* it! I'm just going to drain everybody around me if that gets me to 4D faster!". I was pretty much torn because I felt inadequate as an STO-hopeful. Well, reading the forum actively got me past that luckily.

I've noticed that also one triggering factor of these STSness episodes are some writings of Castaneda. Earlier today, I read the part in "The Power of Silence" where Castaneda wrote of one time when Don Juan faked having some sort of brain disease in order to move Castaneda's "assemblage point beyond the point where there is no pity" (or to that effect). The description was quite violent in nature and it had a way of producing some sort of uncertainness in me... which also provoked this thread. I can see now that I have some violent physical programs ingrained in me that seem to get activated at the slightest provocation. A result of too much video games, no doubt at ALL (luckily those are a thing of the past for me). Anyway, one "rage" has ensued from a Castaneda book before, though I can't remember the details of what the passage then was. I guess I should take those books a lot less literally. He does have a catchy way of writing and one tends to get immersed with all the strange events.

Ok, so it seems that in writing this post, what initially seemed somewhat possession like, is actually revealed to be just more programs. I guess this is how it is sometimes is, maybe I should be happy about it?

Buddy:

Yes, I've noted that I'm quite sensitive to touch and loud noises, and insensitive to temperature. Maybe this "visualizing" is part of it. I will see how it goes... perhaps it is not so bad when I can keep the energy of emotional center in the emotional center without it being usurped

Oh right, have to be careful with temper


:)

 

[Aiming]

Hi Smallwood,

just some thoughts and please correct me if I'm wrong.

The clown seems to be a part of your machine.

In your 'prophetic' dream, as you call it, you're sitting in front of the mirror and seeing the clown in it (a mirrored aspect of yourself),
holding utensils (maybe a fork and a knive?) in a manner that makes me think he's waiting for his meal, which is you. The 'clown' is feeding on you
in that It elicits

very aggressive, white hot rage which does seem to be often directed to some aspect of myself.. These rages seem to direct me towards some harmful activities, atleast in the mental sphere.

So, it seems that something (which your subconscious depicts as a clown) is indeed controlling you, you're even perceiving it:

I get the feeling that something other than me is ultimately in the control of myself, something that has every intention of turning me into something I would never wish to consciously become..

At the same time when you see the clown in the mirror, you feel a distinct sense of difference between you - yes, because the clown is not really you. It's some ingrained set of programs/predator's mind, and in this sense your question of whether you're under some type of possession is not so far-fetched, as eventually we all are possessed by 'alien' installations/mind-sets/programs as long as we're asleep.

Maybe the thing to look into is that it is your choice alone: No 'clown' can control you, if you don't let it. Which means: you're making the decision where you want to go (it's obvious where 'the clown' wants you, but where do you want to go?), working on yourself, working on getting rid of false self-images and subjectivity, acquiring objective knowledge, will over time enable you to free yourself from this 'foreign installation'. In other words, fear only feeds 'the clown'.

It seems to me your perceptions are helping you (or can be utilized as a helping tool) in feeling what you are learning here (= an additional angle of learning), that is, for others it might remain a theoretical concept that there is some foreign installation controlling us and feeding on us, while you seem to be feeling it. In how far this is advantageous or accurate I don't know - maybe it's good to keep observing it and noting it down in a journal for future reference.

-just my two cents-

 

[Smallwood]

The clown seems to be a part of your machine.

In your 'prophetic' dream, as you call it, you're sitting in front of the mirror and seeing the clown in it (a mirrored aspect of yourself),
holding utensils (maybe a fork and a knife?) in a manner that makes me think he's waiting for his meal, which is you.

I received the same insight while writing that last response. I'm still surprised how little I have thought about it in more objective terms, instead of trying to place the source of the manipulation somewhere outside of me ("possession"). It became clear when I wrote it down in order to make sense of it. As you said, I might very much benefit from keeping a journal. Many facts seem to point that it might be the best way of learning offline for me. It'll be a good exercise for me too (as I have trouble forming "routines").

Yes, the utensils were a fork and a knife, very telling, no? And he was definitely waiting to eat something also. I think you are essentially right about him being a representation of my machine, and what trouble my "machine" has caused me! Good to have it confirmed, as I only held it as one possibility among others (at least right now, it seems more probable than others).

It seems to me your perceptions are helping you (or can be utilized as a helping tool) in feeling what you are learning here (= an additional angle of learning), that is, for others it might remain a theoretical concept that there is some foreign installation controlling us and feeding on us, while you seem to be feeling it. In how far this is advantageous or accurate I don't know - maybe it's good to keep observing it and noting it down in a journal for future reference.

I'll start some type of recording of it's effects. As it now stands, that "tool", is quite underdeveloped in a sense that it seems to "identify" quite easily. A real example: through playing with the idea of cyclical/"zero-time" I can sort of "feel" this timelessness. If however I read something about "linear view of time", as in say "Christianity and the end-times", that timeless feeling may instantly jump into the feeling of anticipation of the "Apocalypse". That is only one example of this tendency to "identify". I/it seem(s) to be rather sensitive to that. Maybe it is just undevelopment, and if so, there is hope of improving it.

Then again, the earliest that I can remember it occurring is after the most traumatic period of my life. Whether it is positive or negative, I'll see how it goes from there.

I would like to thank you two for your thoughts. It helped to show me the following:

1. I need to use writing/journal as a tool to clarify my thoughts/improve my thinking. If I actively use that method, I can perhaps uncover many things that I would otherwise "bother" the forum with.
2. The clown was (probably) all along only a certain set of "programs" (or the "Predator's mind") formed during a certain period of time. Even though earlier I knew they had to be there somewhere, I can now see their effects and connection to a specific period more clearly.
3. Maybe the "visualizing" isn't a negative thing. Perhaps the negative slant that I had on it was only a reason to justify having draining fears instead of actively and coolly examining the possible benefits.

I'll try to determine whether it would be worth the effort to try posting the whole "prophecy" dream to the Dreams-forum. The thing is, it is quite long and would need some background info on certain aspects, and in the end, even if someone would undertake to interpret it, it still might bring nothing new. As it stands now, it's about two years old and many things have obviously changed. Still, perhaps it would be interesting exercise for someone into interpreting, and it might just bring something new to my understanding of it. It would also be nice to "return" to it and reinterpret it in a new light. Perhaps I'll do it at some time when there is less activity.

 

[RedFox]

Hi Smallwood

I tend to agree with essences interpretation of your dreams.
One thing I did notice was a certain flavour to them which I also noted in the book Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout. That and the mention of earlier traumas amongst other things and I think it would be very beneficial to you to read that book. It should hopefully give you a greater context for exploring all of this.
And if you've already read it, a revisit may be on the cards keeping in mind your dream and experiences in this post. :)