zak
The Living Force
This afternoon, i started to walk around my table of the kitchen.
I was confuse densly confuse, like the soil falled over my head. After seven years of a relation where my girlfriend found that all was fine, but i saw, i felt that i didn't progress in my interior work, even continuing reading books, following the forum and Sott news, sharing with my friends Ponerology, waves, Hare, Stout...In the last i was lonely in my corner of iceberg.
I arrived to conclude a break with her in the last august.
I moved in the center of France in a country house. I felt since a long time that i was alive, whaou! Yes A.L.I.V.E,restarting to read all the books that i didn't read with a good attention, in the nature, near the cheminey. I was so happy to find my place back!
In november i began to work as a treeworker in the region, the first months were magic, good care of the trees , good colleagues, Good bosses...
Studying and making my homeworks like never.
And little by little, but in the same time very fast, in the fact that it was coming things after others from differents angles to strike me, and BOUM, in two seconds i was again trapped in the net of the A influences. And all this knowlege that i have of the psychopaths and their ponerization, the predators mind, the vampires...Served me A LOT.
I took a little time to realize, but before Medusa turned me in stone completly, i asked myself why all this pain, distress fall on me like this with the help of Ceasar watching me from the calendar of Sott, i tried to understand for what i felt so bad, even after knowing.
So when this afternoon i started to turn in round, i was crying, suffering, trying to find answers and reasons of such demands, denies, fake wounds, hungers without limits... and by all the silence, during a discussion (especially by SMS), suddenly a silence and in this time you are waiting, waiting until you feel guilty, of what you don't know, you feel a stupid guilt rise on you.
Turning around my table, i struck in the same time my foot against the other, after some circles i began to hit the stone floor, more and more heavy at each step with a kind of rage.
And some circles after i began to walk normally, finding a balance, and in this moment i felt my body,i felt the cold, i felt the beat of my heart, i started to realize that i was turning in round around a table, in a kitchen with things of a kitchen, and outside the singings birds, the blowing wind.
My breath went more slow and my mind like my body before was relaxed, i found my equilibrium.
And i continued to turn, at the difference at this time i chose and control the rythm of my feet, i chose where to put them, i guessed a smile on my face.I made more short the circles, until that i felt that if i continued like this i gonna feel dizzy.
I went outside to search woods for the cheminey, and feel the wind and heard the birds. I was fresh and ready to keep on my work knowing that i was not alone.
I know how learning is important everyday, and the most important is to arrive to put it in practice, to be conscious of it every time, for that it's not a good idea to be alone like i experienced until now. I'm grateful to be back.
Now my mind is quiet and i enjoy the ride. Knowing that tomorrow is an other day.
I was confuse densly confuse, like the soil falled over my head. After seven years of a relation where my girlfriend found that all was fine, but i saw, i felt that i didn't progress in my interior work, even continuing reading books, following the forum and Sott news, sharing with my friends Ponerology, waves, Hare, Stout...In the last i was lonely in my corner of iceberg.
I arrived to conclude a break with her in the last august.
I moved in the center of France in a country house. I felt since a long time that i was alive, whaou! Yes A.L.I.V.E,restarting to read all the books that i didn't read with a good attention, in the nature, near the cheminey. I was so happy to find my place back!
In november i began to work as a treeworker in the region, the first months were magic, good care of the trees , good colleagues, Good bosses...
Studying and making my homeworks like never.
And little by little, but in the same time very fast, in the fact that it was coming things after others from differents angles to strike me, and BOUM, in two seconds i was again trapped in the net of the A influences. And all this knowlege that i have of the psychopaths and their ponerization, the predators mind, the vampires...Served me A LOT.
I took a little time to realize, but before Medusa turned me in stone completly, i asked myself why all this pain, distress fall on me like this with the help of Ceasar watching me from the calendar of Sott, i tried to understand for what i felt so bad, even after knowing.
So when this afternoon i started to turn in round, i was crying, suffering, trying to find answers and reasons of such demands, denies, fake wounds, hungers without limits... and by all the silence, during a discussion (especially by SMS), suddenly a silence and in this time you are waiting, waiting until you feel guilty, of what you don't know, you feel a stupid guilt rise on you.
Turning around my table, i struck in the same time my foot against the other, after some circles i began to hit the stone floor, more and more heavy at each step with a kind of rage.
And some circles after i began to walk normally, finding a balance, and in this moment i felt my body,i felt the cold, i felt the beat of my heart, i started to realize that i was turning in round around a table, in a kitchen with things of a kitchen, and outside the singings birds, the blowing wind.
My breath went more slow and my mind like my body before was relaxed, i found my equilibrium.
And i continued to turn, at the difference at this time i chose and control the rythm of my feet, i chose where to put them, i guessed a smile on my face.I made more short the circles, until that i felt that if i continued like this i gonna feel dizzy.
I went outside to search woods for the cheminey, and feel the wind and heard the birds. I was fresh and ready to keep on my work knowing that i was not alone.
I know how learning is important everyday, and the most important is to arrive to put it in practice, to be conscious of it every time, for that it's not a good idea to be alone like i experienced until now. I'm grateful to be back.
Now my mind is quiet and i enjoy the ride. Knowing that tomorrow is an other day.
