Really Irritating Relationship Karma

[Cyre2067]

Maybe someone with good feel for interpretation can give me some idea what the lesson here is.

Typically I don't do well with dating, what do I mean - mostly it's hard for me to find someone compatible, stable, easy going and trustworthy. However, for the last six months or so I've been with one guy in particular who's really chill, and it took me while to warm up and drop my defenses. Basically we took things really slow. Over the summer we were apart for some periods here and there and that's when things kinda clicked, and I was more comfortable taking things more seriously.

Long story short - last week he was all sorts of detached, I knew work was stressing him out, so I gave him space and tried to be supportive. Over the weekend he told me he was thinking about moving cross country, so he could be near his family again, and wasn't so sure about 'us' anymore. He wouldn't be moving until sometime next year, but he wasn't sure how we should continue things as to prevent either of us from getting hurt. We basically decided to ponder it, and see how we feel about it over the next few days.

Basically this sort of event has happened to me no less then 5 times. I'm a picky SOB and I don't need to be in a relationship. But there have been a few times where someone came a long, there was a connection and then 'poof' they had to move away, or they lived far away, and we can't be together. I know that if/when he moves away it'll suck, I'll get over it, but why does this keep happening?

So my thoughts are: Well, you had a good run, but a serious long-term thing just isn't in the bag for you. In fact, abstinence is a great way to evolve - get to work. Or that my 'true love' is off in another dimension/density/existence elsewhere and I should just Work on myself so I can find him/her/it/whatever.

That make sense?

 

[truth seeker]

Maybe someone with good feel for interpretation can give me some idea what the lesson here is.

He wouldn't be moving until sometime next year, but he wasn't sure how we should continue things as to prevent either of us from getting hurt. We basically decided to ponder it, and see how we feel about it over the next few days.

Did he know ahead of time that he was moving? If so, why did he get into a relationship?

Basically this sort of event has happened to me no less then 5 times. I'm a picky SOB and I don't need to be in a relationship. But there have been a few times where someone came a long, there was a connection and then 'poof' they had to move away, or they lived far away, and we can't be together. I know that if/when he moves away it'll suck, I'll get over it, but why does this keep happening?

In my opinion, if this is a pattern of sorts for you then perhaps you are unconsciously picking people who are unavailable for long term relationships. Do you think you may be afraid of commitment? Also, how do you feel about yourself when you're not in a relationship? Are you comfortable being not only without a partner but also with spending time with yourself?

So my thoughts are: Well, you had a good run, but a serious long-term thing just isn't in the bag for you. In fact, abstinence is a great way to evolve - get to work. Or that my 'true love' is off in another dimension/density/existence elsewhere and I should just Work on myself so I can find him/her/it/whatever.

In my life, relationships have come along when I haven't been actively looking for someone. Just kind of living my life. There's nothing wrong at all with being picky, I am as well. I was also thinking that you may want to ask yourself if what your criteria is for being with someone. Are they genuinely qualities of substance or more superficial?

It's always a good idea to work on yourself whether your in a relationship or not. It'll kind of become the fabric of your life and I think will attract someone who is not only on the same path as you are but looking for the same qualities in a partner as well if that makes any sense. Kind of like that saying be the change you want to see in the world...

Hope that helps a bit.

 

[Annette1]

Hi Puck. I am and have been in pretty much the same situation you are in. What you seek (stability, compatibility, trustworthiness) and how you describe yourself (picky) applies to me as well.

I refrain from giving others relationship advice mainly because I don’t see myself as any prize example. (I’ve been married and divorced twice) However, after going through similar situations as yourself in the relationship arena, I began looking inward and observing other people’s romantic relationships.

My casual observations led me to the basic conclusion that I’m happier by myself rather than be involved in an unstable/unhappy/dysfunctional relationship. I observed that some people just don’t seem to function well on their own and, being in a dysfunctional relationship works better for them than being in no relationship. Personally, I don’t think this is healthy state for any human, but at present many are living in a fantasy world as many of us here are aware.

That was my pre-SOTT thinking. Now, there is more to consider. The major factor for me is “to not become unevenly yoked” with someone who is still asleep. Obviously, this is even more limiting at present.

As yourself, I’ve considered the same possibilities; a romantic relationship at present is just not a part of my lesson plan for now. I’m comfortable with that, even though at times it seems a bit frustrating, but as you note there are benefits to that situation.

My only thought regarding your account of the present situation you are involved in: Maybe his announcement of moving across the country is an attempt on his part to ascertain just how serious you are. Smacks of “head games” to me or insecurity on his part. Fwiw.

Truth Seeker also offers some good points for you to consider.

 

[Nawd]

Quick questions: Did he actually say the words "I'm not so sure about us anymore," or did he sort of leave that open to interpretation?

Basically we took things really slow. Over the summer we were apart for some periods here and there and that's when things kinda clicked, and I was more comfortable taking things more seriously.

This stands out to me greatly. If two people are dating, they don't really have apart times and here and there situations (unless it's a long distance relationship, or it's travel related). Most people are either exclusively dating, or in an 'open relationship' where as neither person is exclusive to the other, and it's socially permissive to be not clicking. You also said that 'things kinda clicked' while you were here and there apart. Is that when things are suppose to click? For me, and I'm pretty sure many people...they 'click' when spending a lot of time together getting to know one another and sharing in common experiences.

As far as him moving away, it's not surprising to me given the details so far. It doesn't seem like a serious relationship on his part.

Do you want him to stay? Have you told him this and shared your feelings? Did you let him know you want to be in an exclusive relationship with some level of commitment?

Just need more details perhaps.

By the way, I'm no expert by any far stretch!
:)

edit: grammar

 

[Cyre2067]

Ah sorry for the lack of details, part of me didn't even think it was worth bringing up - I figured I figured it out, but feedbacks can never hurt right?

Quick questions: Did he actually say the words "I'm not so sure about us anymore," or did he sort of leave that open to interpretation?

Ah those may not have been the exact words, but the conversation we had yesterday indicated that he wasn't sure what we should do as he is pretty certain he'll be moving away sometime next year. Neither of us want to break up at present, and I'm more of the mind 'well let's cross that bridge when we get there' and he's more about planning for the future.

As far as him moving away, it's not surprising to me given the details so far. It doesn't seem like a serious relationship on his part.

Do you want him to stay? Have you told him this and shared your feelings? Did you let him know you want to be in an exclusive relationship with some level of commitment?

Just need more details perhaps.

Well we're both pretty serious about it, although are we talking marriage-serious or move-in serious - not quite there. We're exclusive and committed and I want him to be happy, that's my big concern, if he's not happy here in NYC (his job is quite stressful and he's really family oriented) and moving home will improve his overall level of happiness then so be it. Would I prefer he stay here? Of course. Have I expressed as much - totally.

My casual observations led me to the basic conclusion that I’m happier by myself rather than be involved in an unstable/unhappy/dysfunctional relationship. I observed that some people just don’t seem to function well on their own and, being in a dysfunctional relationship works better for them than being in no relationship. Personally, I don’t think this is healthy state for any human, but at present many are living in a fantasy world as many of us here are aware.

Agreed, that's why I don't usually date or get into relationships, but we started out as friends on the same team @ Dodgeball and low-and-behold we sorta started hanging out, eating together, movies and such and before long we were 'together'. He's quite level-headed, really rational, direct, and hasn't exhibited any signs of manipulative behavior or anything like that. He's a little OCD when it comes to cleaning, but I find it cute since its more of a quirk as opposed to a behavioral disorder.

That was my pre-SOTT thinking. Now, there is more to consider. The major factor for me is “to not become unevenly yoked” with someone who is still asleep. Obviously, this is even more limiting at present.

As yourself, I’ve considered the same possibilities; a romantic relationship at present is just not a part of my lesson plan for now. I’m comfortable with that, even though at times it seems a bit frustrating, but as you note there are benefits to that situation.

My only thought regarding your account of the present situation you are involved in: Maybe his announcement of moving across the country is an attempt on his part to ascertain just how serious you are. Smacks of “head games” to me or insecurity on his part. Fwiw.

Heh perhaps I am 'unevenly yoked' just a tad, I mean, for half a second I pondered following him but that just made no sense in my mind, told him so and he agreed. Thing is I started to get back into the Work because of him, I wanted to be a better person, stronger, more knowledgeable and capable, because my feelings for him.

I also never had an adult relationship, and that was an experience I was 'asking' for. This one turned out great until my previously mentioned relationship Karma reared its head and whammo he felt strongly about moving back home.

Did he know ahead of time that he was moving? If so, why did he get into a relationship?

He had thought about it, but never seriously, and then when I showed up he pushed it to the back of his mind. Now his job has been really stressful lately, and he has a lot of nieces/nephews that he misses, and he wants to be around to watch them grow up.

In my opinion, if this is a pattern of sorts for you then perhaps you are unconsciously picking people who are unavailable for long term relationships. Do you think you may be afraid of commitment? Also, how do you feel about yourself when you're not in a relationship? Are you comfortable being not only without a partner but also with spending time with yourself?

My current BF never alluded to moving back before this weekend, so I had no reason to think he'd even considered it. Now that I think about it, would have been nice if he brought up the possibility sooner in the relationship before things got so heavy. It's kinda ironic that now he's worried about one/both of us getting hurt.

I'm quite comfortable with me, in fact I'd say that my problem was that I was too comfortable. Me, myself and I get along swimmingly and we always find ways to keep ourself busy. There was a lot that I sort of shedded these last few months, as this EE bit continues I find myself more self-directed, more adult-like. Definitely not the type of person that 'needs' to be in a relationship, I just don't get why this particular situation happens whenever I find myself in one.

In my life, relationships have come along when I haven't been actively looking for someone. Just kind of living my life. There's nothing wrong at all with being picky, I am as well. I was also thinking that you may want to ask yourself if what your criteria is for being with someone. Are they genuinely qualities of substance or more superficial?

Same here, I wasn't actively looking, but this one kinda just happened. My criteria really isn't a set list, if there's mutual attraction and a healthy interaction, meaning no head games, manipulation, that sort of nonsense - then I'm game to see where it goes. I like learning about their perspectives and sharing mine, always with no judgments or attempts at 'conversion'. I kinda define relationships as a deeper friendship that offers both parties the potential to grow.

It's always a good idea to work on yourself whether your in a relationship or not. It'll kind of become the fabric of your life and I think will attract someone who is not only on the same path as you are but looking for the same qualities in a partner as well if that makes any sense. Kind of like that saying be the change you want to see in the world...

Hope that helps a bit.

Agreed, it does, I just have a hard time understanding why this fundamental situation repeats itself. This time it was rather drawn out, meaning the relationship itself has lasted and will continue for months before the separation point. I get the feeling this is a big lesson for me and I'm just not getting it.

 

[Annette1]

I'm quite comfortable with me, in fact I'd say that my problem was that I was too comfortable. Me, myself and I get along swimmingly and we always find ways to keep ourself busy.

This is precisely why I began looking inward. Perhaps I was being too rigid, selfish, demanding, etc. In exploring my relationships I learned a few things. I cannot make anyone happy. Happiness/Joy comes from within. I can share my happiness/joy and/or share others' happiness/joy. It's the same principle as attempting to change someone.

I learned along the way that many are not able to express or articulate even to themselves what it is they are seeking. Sometimes what they think they want turns out not to be what they want. The reality of living out what they assumed they wanted did not live up to the fantasy they had in mind.

fwiw

 

[T.C.]

Thing is I started to get back into the Work because of him, I wanted to be a better person, stronger, more knowledgeable and capable, because my feelings for him.

Maybe, that's the lesson?

I could be misunderstanding the situation, but it kinda seems from the above that you 'changed for him'. Would you say that has been another dynamic that has run through your other relationships?

I don't mean he, or others wanted you to change for them, I mean do you find it hard to put effort into yourself, or care for yourself without an outside reference?

If that's the case, then maybe you have to learn to Work for you, love yourself before you can properly love another?

Sorry if I'm way off with that.

 

[thevenusian]

I could be way off here, but maybe what you are calling 'relationship karma' and defining as 'I don't seem to be able to make anything really stick here in relationship-land' (a rough synopsis, I admit) is simply that you have some of the channels to higher self open and higher self knows that you are not yet in a place to really appreciate what is coming down the pipeline possibly later. So you are open enough to sense that there is more, yet you are trying to find what comes later in your present circumstance. I really don't think you are bound by some repeating pattern here. My sense from reading what you've written is that you haven't yet found what a deeper part of you is looking for and expecting might show up at some point. Best strategy is probably just to remain open to how things develop.

 

[pete02]

Hi Puck,

Your thread has my wheels spinning because many times lately I've been sitting down contemplating some of the same issues. Why none of my past relations worked out? Most of my life its always been dating short term and I don't think I've had a relationship last longer than 2yrs at best. Some of the time it was me afraid of getting involved and some of the time it was her. What really sucks is now that I think I could hold a serious relationship I'm even more cautious of who I get involved with because I don't want it to take me away from the work. So much to do and such little time. However I do find myself thinking about that significant other and how nice it would be especially when I see some couples on the forum here. I think to myself how lucky they are. Enough about me, (sorry about goin on) I just wanted you to know your not alone.

After reading what you've said however I am a little puzzled tho, because from my point of view if he is really into the whole relationship, wouldn't he be more concerned about his future with you? I mean I understand stressful jobs, I've had many, but whenever I was involved she would become more important to me than thinking about myself, but that could just be me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he is a bad person but it doesn't sound to me like he is taking the relationship seriously anymore. You say it was for about six months and you guys took it slow so is it possible that it was all about the chase for him and now the excitement is over? I know it is unfortunately that way for a lot of guys out there even tho some of them may not realize it.

So now your stuck with the dilemma to break it off now or later but won't it hurt either way? Once again I would think to at least go thru the holidays with someone would be better and feel the hurt later than to call it quits now. Enjoy the time at hand. Maybe things will change for him in the meantime also. He could find a less stressful job or who knows. Anything could happen so why quit now? I would think if he seriously likes you he would stick it out and see what tomorrow brings. As for why you keep attracting this type of guy, I really can't say. I only seem to attract girls half my age which really sucks so I'm no help there. I'm never really looking either and then bam, I get hit on and have to tell her I'm old enough to be her father!

 

[Gimpy]

Basically this sort of event has happened to me no less then 5 times. I'm a picky SOB and I don't need to be in a relationship. But there have been a few times where someone came a long, there was a connection and then 'poof' they had to move away, or they lived far away, and we can't be together. I know that if/when he moves away it'll suck, I'll get over it, but why does this keep happening?

If the relationship was solid, moving wouldn't change it. It doesn't appear as if you've had enough time together to have anything solidify. Would you move to be together? Would he stay to be with you? That's an important relationship indicator.

Another point to consider, maybe married life doesn't suit you? I've known plenty of people who just don't fit marriage. I don't see anything wrong with that, either. :)

 

[truth seeker]

Thanks so much for answering my questions. There have been a lot of really good points brought up by everyone.

Typically I don't do well with dating, what do I mean - mostly it's hard for me to find someone compatible, stable, easy going and trustworthy. However, for the last six months or so I've been with one guy in particular who's really chill, and it took me while to warm up and drop my defenses.

Another thing that came to mind: You may want to ask yourself if you find it difficult to trust people in general and why. You don't have to answer this on the forum if you don't want to. Perhaps some of the people you've been involved with have unconsciously felt this and backed away? If the person you're currently with is willing to speak with you about this, this may be an excellent time to find out what the other person motivations for leaving really are.

 

[theos]

Puck,
Is it possible for you, or for a lot of us, to enjoy another's company knowing that it is not permanent and be satisfied with that? Does every person we are in a relationship with have to be the "one"? Does every relationship have to be permanent or even long-term? Is quality of time spent with another more important than quantity of time spent? (I am certainly not endorsing flitting, willy-nilly, from one relationship to the next.) It's probably easier to answer these questions looking back on past relationships vs. being in one currently. Is it just that you are mourning the loss of the good times you are having with this person?

These are just questions that I've asked myself. It seems a bit clinical now that I see it written.

 

[Buddy]

Puck,
Is it possible for you, or for a lot of us, to enjoy another's company knowing that it is not permanent and be satisfied with that? Does every person we are in a relationship with have to be the "one"? Does every relationship have to be permanent or even long-term? Is quality of time spent with another more important than quantity of time spent? (I am certainly not endorsing flitting, willy-nilly, from one relationship to the next.)

I'm inclined toward this view myself. I think that the capacity to appreciate and value individuals for what they can teach us on our Way, is enhanced greatly by knowing that they are completely free to leave whenever they choose to in order to continue on their own journey.

It's sort of like Gurdijeff's last hour of life concept. If you knew that you only had 1 day or a few hours to spend with a person you liked, how would you spend that time?

Plus, I think this view dovetails nicely with the need for patience while looking for the right person or while developing a relationship into something that can be worthwhile for both while respecting freewill all around.

Just my thoughts, fwiw

 

[webglider]

]Now that I think about it, would have been nice if he brought up the possibility sooner in the relationship before things got so heavy. It's kinda ironic that now he's worried about one/both of us getting hurt.

It may be that he really didn't even think of moving earlier in the relationship. If he's really unhappy at work and feels he needs to leave, he may feel the need for the stability of the family home. Every life change creates a certain level of stress - even positive changes like moving in with someone you love.

Perhaps he wonders how he will be able to handle the financial responsibilites of a relationship during this time especially if he is thinking of leaving his job, or perhaps the possiblility of becoming a parent may leave him with feelings of being overwhelmed.

Maybe he just needs to be around his family for awhile to make himself feel more centered.

It just may be overwhelming for him to take on the responsibility of a permanent relationship without the security of having a steady source of income.

Neither of us want to break up at present, and I'm more of the mind 'well let's cross that bridge when we get there' and he's more about planning for the future.

This may be something you might want to look at. As I see it, he wants to plan, and you don't.

Why do you want to "...cross that bridge when you come to it?" It seems that you not only have come to that bridge, but are right smack in the middle of it.

Well we're both pretty serious about it, although are we talking marriage-serious or move-in serious - not quite there. We're exclusive and committed and I want him to be happy, that's my big concern, if he's not happy here in NYC (his job is quite stressful and he's really family oriented) and moving home will improve his overall level of happiness then so be it. Would I prefer he stay here? Of course. Have I expressed as much - totally.

If you're committed, you both would try to find a way to stay together.

Heh perhaps I am 'unevenly yoked' just a tad, I mean, for half a second I pondered following him but that just made no sense in my mind, told him so and he agreed. Thing is I started to get back into the Work because of him, I wanted to be a better person, stronger, more knowledgeable

It seems to me that there is something in this guy that's inspiring you to go higher spiritually, so I don't understand what you mean when you write "...perhaps I am "unevenly yoked", just a tad, I mean". Do you feel that you are more spiritually evolved than he is?

I want him to be happy, that's my big concern, if he's not happy here in NYC (his job is quite stressful and he's really family oriented) and moving home will improve his overall level of happiness then so be it.

This sounds like something a mother would say.

If he's trying to plan, and you're putting it off, then it must be quite frustrating for him. Do you really care about this guy?

Basically this sort of event has happened to me no less then 5 times. I'm a picky SOB and I don't need to be in a relationship

Maybe someone with good feel for interpretation can give me some idea what the lesson here is.

I think you can do it for yourself.

 

[Cyre2067]

Neither of us want to break up at present, and I'm more of the mind 'well let's cross that bridge when we get there' and he's more about planning for the future.

This may be something you might want to look at. As I see it, he wants to plan, and you don't.

Why do you want to "...cross that bridge when you come to it?" It seems that you not only have come to that bridge, but are right smack in the middle of it.

I'm not a huge planner, I'll admit that up front, but if we're talking about something that's half a year away, or more I just don't see the point. I'm glad he brought it up, but I just don't get it. I also don't know how serious he is.

Heh perhaps I am 'unevenly yoked' just a tad, I mean, for half a second I pondered following him but that just made no sense in my mind, told him so and he agreed. Thing is I started to get back into the Work because of him, I wanted to be a better person, stronger, more knowledgeable

It seems to me that there is something in this guy that's inspiring you to go higher spiritually, so I don't understand what you mean when you write "...perhaps I am "unevenly yoked", just a tad, I mean". Do you feel that you are more spiritually evolved than he is?

Ah no that's not what I meant. I just meant I love the guy.

I want him to be happy, that's my big concern, if he's not happy here in NYC (his job is quite stressful and he's really family oriented) and moving home will improve his overall level of happiness then so be it.

This sounds like something a mother would say.

If he's trying to plan, and you're putting it off, then it must be quite frustrating for him. Do you really care about this guy?

I do, and I just find the way he went about it a little offensive. This is like a completely new development, things were great up until about three weeks ago or so. Then work got really stressful, and he was kinda withdrawn and I just tried to offer support, give him space, and this bomb gets dropped on Sunday. Now we haven't hung out since then, he's been busy with work, and I really haven't wanted to push the issue. I did write him an email expressing my feelings and thoughts on tuesday and told him to ponder it and we can talk about it when he has the time.

Puck,
Is it possible for you, or for a lot of us, to enjoy another's company knowing that it is not permanent and be satisfied with that? Does every person we are in a relationship with have to be the "one"? Does every relationship have to be permanent or even long-term? Is quality of time spent with another more important than quantity of time spent? (I am certainly not endorsing flitting, willy-nilly, from one relationship to the next.) It's probably easier to answer these questions looking back on past relationships vs. being in one currently. Is it just that you are mourning the loss of the good times you are having with this person?

These are just questions that I've asked myself. It seems a bit clinical now that I see it written.

Hi chacha, ya know you really put the issue in perspective for me. I think the problem was I had assumed it was going to me somewhat more longer term then this, that shock hurt and now its like the relationship I had is gone and we're in some weird between space.

Quality definitely more important then quantity, and we had some good times. He was pretty much my first serious 'adult' relationship, and I really appreciated the experience overall.

I think I am mourning the loss of those good times, not that 'it's over' or anything I just feel that the course of the relationship was inexorably altered and I had no warning.

I'm inclined toward this view myself. I think that the capacity to appreciate and value individuals for what they can teach us on our Way, is enhanced greatly by knowing that they are completely free to leave whenever they choose to in order to continue on their own journey.

Yeah, Agreed, I think I forgot that bit and let myself get a little too comfy with the situation. ...oh ding.. that sounds like a lesson.

Thanks Y'all.