really strange childhood memories and dreams

[realitybugll]

I had a long post written out here, but I modified it, and deleted it. I had a sort of a revelation and then I felt compelled to write it all down and post as soon as possible. Basically I have a lot of very unusual childhood memories from when I was 9 and younger, especially 5 and younger, that I have not thought about in a very long time. Instead of burdening the members here to help me understand my memories, I think if I use the search function here, and FINISH reading the wave series, as well as explore some chapters more closely then I can come to my own conclusions. After I do this, maybe I can share here if need be.

This thread can be deleted

 

[truth seeker]

I don't have any answers but reading what you wrote reminded me of childhood abuse at the hands of a preschool teacher. I think it was the anger and unfairness of the situation that has allowed me to remember it as I was one of the "good" kids and felt that didn't deserve such treatment. Looking back on it now, no one deserved it and it was really the fear and anticipation of what was going to happen that did the most damage.

I'm sorry you had to go through abuse at the daycare. Unfortunately there are some childcare organizations that promote corporal punishment and think it's okay.

I'm not sure how to classify your behavior when you were younger as there's not enough information to provide a more accurate picture. Perhaps there was something going on in your household that provided the impetus to act out in the ways you mentioned?

The same goes with the late talking. The typical response to this is that there is something wrong with the child. I'm not sure if that's completely accurate (maybe someone with more information about this can chime in). Some kids that are really intelligent don't start speaking until later than what's considered "normal". Of course the reverse can be true as well (meaning something is "wrong" and the child isn't speaking. You may also want to consider as alluded to above that something happened to stunt your development.

One thing that does stick out for me is that your mother asked you (at preschool age) if you wanted to go back and talk to the teachers. This reminds me of my mother and how she placed the responsibilities of an adult on me as a child when a situation was too uncomfortable for her to face. It is not a child's responsibility to be their own advocate.

If I am seeing this particular situation clearly, the above behavior probably played itself out in numerous ways as you were growing up. You may have been left to your "own devises" from a young age and were left with the responsibility of raising yourself. This would of course lead to the actions you described as you had no one to teach you how to act around others. You weren't given a gauge between acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors. This is not okay.

You brought up the issue of psychopathy. I'm not sure if you're wondering if you are one. Assuming you didn't continue these behaviors after childhood as well the fact that remembering them makes you uncomfortable, I would say that you are not. I think this would fall into the category of narcissism and narcissistic wounding. A true psychopath would derive pleasure from hurting people and would continue this behavior throughout their life. Hope this helps.

 

[realitybugll]

Hope this helps.

It does, thanks but as you can see i have retracted my post for the time being...until I do my own thinking first :)

If I am seeing this particular situation clearly, the above behavior probably played itself out in numerous ways as you were growing up. You may have been left to your "own devises" from a young age and were left with the responsibility of raising yourself. This would of course lead to the actions you described as you had no one to teach you how to act around others. You weren't given a gauge between acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors. This is not okay.

this is thought provoking for me.

The same goes with the late talking. The typical response to this is that there is something wrong with the child. I'm not sure if that's completely accurate (maybe someone with more information about this can chime in). Some kids that are really intelligent don't start speaking until later than what's considered "normal". Of course the reverse can be true as well (meaning something is "wrong" and the child isn't speaking. You may also want to consider as alluded to above that something happened to stunt your development.

hmm, yeah, I believe it is usually the latter. I did have the conception that some intelligent people starting speaking late, but I think this is only from referencing Einstein. Don't know if it's true or not.
Also I'm wondering could it be that twins start talking later than singletons? My mom says we had our own language with each other, before I started speaking real English.

matter of fact, after looking online a bit there are some studies/essays that address late talking in twins.

I don't have any answers but reading what you wrote reminded me of childhood abuse at the hands of a preschool teacher. I think it was the anger and unfairness of the situation that has allowed me to remember it as I was one of the "good" kids and felt that didn't deserve such treatment. Looking back on it now, no one deserved it and it was really the fear and anticipation of what was going to happen that did the most damage.

I'm sorry you had to go through abuse at the daycare. Unfortunately there are some childcare organizations that promote corporal punishment and think it's okay.

hmm, I was under the impression for a long time that the memories I had about preschool could have been false. Like just my imagination. Maybe as you say "corporal punishment" isn't as uncommon as I though.

You brought up the issue of psychopathy. I'm not sure if you're wondering if you are one. Assuming you didn't continue these behaviors after childhood as well the fact that remembering them makes you uncomfortable, I would say that you are not. I think this would fall into the category of narcissism and narcissistic wounding. A true psychopath would derive pleasure from hurting people and would continue this behavior throughout their life. Hope this helps.

No, I do not think I am a psychopath for the reason that you mention. I could be an organic portal but at least then I'm a fairly normal-functioning OP :)
Yes, I did think my actions could have to do with narcissistic wounder as you describe. and maybe it was from my teachers at preschool. Still, I can't that easily get over my actions when I was a child, and it's hard for me to attribute them purely to narcissism. Those were pretty extreme thoughts I had for a 5 year old weren't they?


You really got to the heart of the matter, and addressed the relevant or important topics (as I now see them more clearly thanks to you) in my post. Thank you. :)

 

[truth seeker]

Sorry for the post, we were on close to the same time and I posted at or around the same time as the retraction.

I thought to ask if you and your brother were twins but then forgot about it, thanks for clarifying. When/if you're ready to discuss this, we're here.

 

[realitybugll]

Sorry for the post, we were on close to the same time and I posted at or around the same time as the retraction.

I thought to ask if you and your brother were twins but then forgot about it, thanks for clarifying. When/if you're ready to discuss this, we're here.

More so than being "ready" or not I retracted my post because I realized how inconsiderate it was. I was, without any aforementioned thought, basically saying 'tell me how these memories relate to the wave series (the reality we live in etcetera)', when this is something that is probably valuable and a 'learning process' for me to discover on my own. Part of the problem is that I don't have a good understanding of many of the topics in the wave series to begin with.

 

[truth seeker]

More so than being "ready" or not I retracted my post because I realized how inconsiderate it was. I was, without any aforementioned thought, basically saying 'tell me how these memories relate to the wave series (the reality we live in etcetera)', when this is something that is probably valuable and a 'learning process' for me to discover on my own. Part of the problem is that I don't have a good understanding of many of the topics in the wave series to begin with.

Got it. What you said may be true, I'm not sure... I will say however, that learning about yourself is probably the most important thing right now. I think as you do this, you will gain more insight as to how it relates to Laura's writings. I'm not sure if you can come to a full understanding of how the wave relates to your memories if you don't understand your own experience. In my opinion, it's kind of like receiving a tool and not knowing how to use it... Just my thoughts.

 

[truth seeker]

I was also just thinking that if you decide to repost this and don't feel comfortable with the subject matter, feel free to post it in the swamp.