really weird dream

[knowledge_of_self]

I had a very strange dream last night that I’d like to share. This dream was more on a personal level, but the reason I’m sharing it is because it made a pretty big impact on me due to my level of calm within the dream.

I’ve shared with the group before about the fact that my mom is a hard core anti-smoker and I hide my smoking habit from her because of this. In the past, I often wondered if I should just tell her about my smoking but after networking with the group I came to realize that hiding it is a way for me to have strategic enclosure and being externally considerate towards her beliefs; even if her beliefs are based on ignorance.

So in the dream…

I was invited to a party my mom was throwing. She had invited a lot of people, her friends and co-workers. I didn’t know any of these people. During the party, she kept telling me how she had invited way too many people and that she was way over her head and couldn’t handle having so many people in her house, etc… She kept asking me for help with different things, like keeping the guests occupied so they don’t get bored and basic hosting that she herself was supposed to do since it was her party. I became a bit annoyed at this, since I had come there as a guest myself and didn’t appreciate her putting all of this on me on the last minute, especially because I didn’t know anyone there.

But I didn’t say anything and helped her, and while I was hosting people kept coming up to me and asking where my mom was and I kept saying that I didn’t know. Finally I excused myself and went to look for her and finally found her sleeping in her bedroom. I got very annoyed and woke her up. I asked her what she was doing sleeping while there are guests in her house that have come to see her, for the party SHE threw. She was like, “oh I’m just so tired, and I shouldn’t have invited them. This party is costing way too much money, and energy.” I told her that this was still her party and that she chose to throw it, and she couldn’t just wish it away, people were still here and they are looking for her. So she should come down and be a hostess. Basically telling her you have to follow through with your commitment no matter how difficult.

So finally she decides to come down, but doesn’t do much and still expects me to do most of the work. And then, I remember she started critiquing me on everything I had done as a hostess and basically telling me how I was doing such a bad job. So I suddenly got so fed up with everything and in front of everyone I said, “mom, there is something you should know about me. I’m a smoker!”

She became hysterical and began to cry in a very extreme way. Saying how she knew that there was something wrong with me all these years, and now she knows what it was. I was very calm and was like “I guess so”. She became even more hysterical at my calm, and began to attack me, trying to choke me. I was still calm, and just lifted her hands from my throat and calmly pushed her away. All of her guests began pitting her and telling me how I was such a bad daughter and how could I do this to my own mother at her party. Very calmly, I told them all that I didn’t care what any of them said or thought about me. Mom was still crying hysterically and went to the phone and called one of my cousins, and told her what I had done. My cousin said she wanted to talk to me, so my mom gave me the phone, saying come listen to what your cousin has to say! So I picked up the phone and my cousin started saying the same thing the guests were saying. How I should be ashamed of myself for smoking and for telling my mom at her party and embarrassing her. And how I’ve brought shame to all the family, and how could I be so cold and unloving. I very calmly stated, I’m simply a smoker, if my mom doesn’t want to love me anymore because of it, it’s her loss. And my cousin kept asking me how I can be so cold and cruel. I stood there listening to all she had to say only responding very calmly that I didn’t care what she or anyone in the family thought about me. The conversation ended and I hung up.

My mom was still crying and being cuddled by one of the guests. She kept saying how she doesn’t have a daughter anymore and how I’m such a cruel and heartless girl, and all this really mean stuff but I didn’t care at all. None of it fazed me. I remember I went to the wall and I picked up a photo of the 2 of us with me as a baby and began to walk out the door. She kept shouting, “Don’t ever come back! You don’t have a mother anymore!” All I said was “ok,” and walked out very calmly. As I was walking away I kept thinking to myself why don’t I feel bad? Why don’t I feel anything? Is there something wrong with me?

When I got home, I received a phone call from the cousin I was speaking with at my mom’s house. She began to tell me how she told my dad everything that had happened and that he was so ashamed of me. And how he is going to call me and tell me that himself. I started to think, ok this is getting weird because my dad doesn’t care if I smoke or not. Then, my dad called saying those very things and I was still calm and told him I didn’t care what anyone thought, even him. And I told him, why do you even care? Aren’t you a smoker too? He was like “yes, but that’s different.”

I kept thinking how this is getting too strange, and how everyone was coming at me trying to make me feel bad but I didn’t feel bad at all. And I woke up.

As I said above, the calm throughout the dream was what was very weird to me. I am usually a very emotional person in my dreams. And I react when I see people cry or in a lot of distress, that my mom sure appeared to be in. Usually I feel really bad, or I cry, or feel a lot of emotions in general. But in this dream, at first I felt annoyed for being put on the spot about being a hostess, but after that I felt nothing but calm. Don’t know what to think of it. I still would never tell my mom that irl, but it’s just so weird to dream about it and not feel anything in such an emotional situation.

 

[abstract]

That certainly is an interesting dream.

What sticks out for me is the calmness in the dream you have referred to. I can only offer my own interpretation of course.

Perhaps the calmness in the dream (which you mentioned was out of the ordinary) has something to do with you becoming more aware of your own emotional reactions to

events, and your capability to control said reactions? There's a lot of questions that this unusual calm raises. It appears to me that this would be a good sign that you,

in the dream, remained so calm. I could write like a dozen suggestions, I guess my point is that this is perhaps worth examining a little more for yourself.

 

[Buddy]

It was interesting how the calmness allowed you to be totally in control of yourself despite what was going on. As a result of this calmness it is easier to see/experience the sheer drama and internal considerings that made up the "shared reality" between the people in the dream.

 

[Mountain Crown]

Hi Deedlet,

Maybe your growth is weakening the influence of your negative introject?

Calmness need not necessarily be indicative of absence of emotion, it could be a state of balance.

A calm sea is still made of water.

Just a thought.

 

[knowledge_of_self]

Thanks for your assessments guys, gave me a lot to think about.

I sure don't feel as if my negative introject is becoming less or anything, but than again I'm always really hard on myself. So even if it is, I haven't noticed it :P

Also, one thing I have noticed about my interactions with my mom irl is that I've come to accept her more for who she is and expect less of her. So when she says stupid stuff, I don't get as mad or upset anymore. Still get annoyed, but it goes away pretty fast cause I just tell myself, "what do you expect? It's your mom... she's gonna say stupid stuff. "

So anyway, thanks again everyone ^^

 

[RedFox]

Hi Deedlet

I've highlighted a few things.....the things in blue are repeating messages. It could be that they where told to you in childhood and you took them on board...or it is perhaps something you believe about yourself....or you think others believe about you.
Purple is internalising things....
Green is confronting these behaviours

I was invited to a party my mom was throwing. She had invited a lot of people, her friends and co-workers. I didn’t know any of these people. During the party, she kept telling me how she had invited way too many people and that she was way over her head and couldn’t handle having so many people in her house, etc… She kept asking me for help with different things, like keeping the guests occupied so they don’t get bored and basic hosting that she herself was supposed to do since it was her party. I became a bit annoyed at this, since I had come there as a guest myself and didn’t appreciate her putting all of this on me on the last minute, especially because I didn’t know anyone there.

But I didn’t say anything and helped her, and while I was hosting people kept coming up to me and asking where my mom was and I kept saying that I didn’t know. Finally I excused myself and went to look for her and finally found her sleeping in her bedroom. I got very annoyed and woke her up. I asked her what she was doing sleeping while there are guests in her house that have come to see her, for the party SHE threw. She was like, “oh I’m just so tired, and I shouldn’t have invited them. This party is costing way too much money, and energy.” I told her that this was still her party and that she chose to throw it, and she couldn’t just wish it away, people were still here and they are looking for her. So she should come down and be a hostess. Basically telling her you have to follow through with your commitment no matter how difficult.

So finally she decides to come down, but doesn’t do much and still expects me to do most of the work. And then, I remember she started critiquing me on everything I had done as a hostess and basically telling me how I was doing such a bad job. So I suddenly got so fed up with everything and in front of everyone I said, “mom, there is something you should know about me. I’m a smoker!”

Can you look at the things in blue and ask where have you heard these messages before (perhaps in childhood?), and do you repeat them to yourself?? Who in your life repeats them to you??
The abdication of responsibility that goes with these things in blue (not taking care of the guests).....who in your life abdicates there responsibility with the above lines....and how do you do the same?
The things in purple......how often do you internalise your feelings and let other get away with this behaviour......how do you do this to others?
The things in green....how have you been seeing/confronting the above behaviours in yourself and others?? Does your smoking represent an act of rebellion or individuality?? If so, how have you been expressing your individuality/right to be an individual?? How do these things contrast to the things in blue and yellow??

She became hysterical and began to cry in a very extreme way. Saying how she knew that there was something wrong with me all these years, and now she knows what it was. I was very calm and was like “I guess so”. She became even more hysterical at my calm, and began to attack me, trying to choke me.{the throat represents your voice perhaps....silencing your own voice? this would fit the highlight in yellow above} I was still calm, and just lifted her hands from my throat and calmly pushed her away. All of her guests began pitting her and telling me how I was such a bad daughter and how could I do this to my own mother at her party. Very calmly, I told them all that I didn’t care what any of them said or thought about me. Mom was still crying hysterically and went to the phone and called one of my cousins, and told her what I had done {if her attacks fail, bring in outside support of her behaviour....social proofing she is right and you are wrong}. My cousin said she wanted to talk to me, so my mom gave me the phone, saying come listen to what your cousin has to say! So I picked up the phone and my cousin started saying the same thing the guests were saying. How I should be ashamed of myself for smoking {rebelling/having an indevidual identity} and for telling my mom at her party and embarrassing her. {exposing the lie/predator} And how I’ve brought shame to all the family, and how could I be so cold and unloving.{emotional manipulation} I very calmly stated, I’m simply a smoker, if my mom doesn’t want to love me anymore because of it, it’s her loss. And my cousin kept asking me how I can be so cold and cruel. I stood there listening to all she had to say only responding very calmly that I didn’t care what she or anyone in the family thought about me. The conversation ended and I hung up.

My mom was still crying and being cuddled by one of the guests. She kept saying how she doesn’t have a daughter anymore and how I’m such a cruel and heartless girl, and all this really mean stuff but I didn’t care at all. None of it fazed me. I remember I went to the wall and I picked up a photo of the 2 of us with me as a baby {recovery of a past memory?} and began to walk out the door. {changing the situation/acting for your destiny} She kept shouting, “Don’t ever come back! You don’t have a mother anymore!” All I said was “ok,” and walked out very calmly. As I was walking away I kept thinking to myself why don’t I feel bad? Why don’t I feel anything? Is there something wrong with me?{perhaps this could be considered blue too...both a negative internal message and internalisation of such things}

When I got home, I received a phone call from the cousin I was speaking with at my mom’s house. She began to tell me how she told my dad everything that had happened and that he was so ashamed of me {this is the same trick/behaviour your mum pulled by phoning the cousin}. And how he is going to call me and tell me that himself. I started to think, ok this is getting weird because my dad doesn’t care if I smoke or not. {recognition of the behaviour/thinking as abnormal} Then, my dad called saying those very things and I was still calm and told him I didn’t care what anyone thought, even him. And I told him, why do you even care? Aren’t you a smoker too? He was like “yes, but that’s different.”

I kept thinking how this is getting too strange, and how everyone was coming at me trying to make me feel bad but I didn’t feel bad at all. {why should you feel what others where trying to get you to feel? is it authentic to be a slave to what others want you to feel? what is wrong with NOT feeling what others WANT you to feel??} And I woke up.

 

[Jeremy F Kreuz]

Hi Deedlet

Your dream reminded me a story that Elan Golomb recounts in ´'Trapped in the mirror´. In the edition I have it is written down on p 230 - 231, chapter 17: learning to relate to the narcissistic parent.

A father plagued his 35 year old daughter for not marrying. He disapproved of her lifestyle, which he thought reflected badly on him. He just had married a social climber whose sons were engaged to model females with page boy hairdos, polished nails, up to the minute clothing. (... ) This made him insecure, ashamed and determined to reform her by rubbing her nose in her embarrassing condition. His way of life was devoted to reforming people. He began discussing her unmarried state while driving a car full of people, including his wife and two stepsons, on a elevated driveway near the water. His daughter was waiting. He raised the topic like a sledgehammer, pounding nails into the plank of her being. She had asked her therapist how to get out of victimization, being grilled, embarrassed and wrong. He told her to do what she would never dared without his advice. It was a piece of theater that used her parents values. (...) His script (the therapist) would offer her father a lesson. Her father was launched on her marital condition. Why was she not married at her age? What of her loneliness, etc? He regarded his point of view as the one and only way to be. Her stepbrothers looked at her reaction. (... ) She felt surrounded by criticizing enemies, drew a deep breath and pictured the vulnerable position she would soon be in. In her mind, her therapist said, do it, and she did. ´Dad, there´s something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time.´ ´what?, he said, with mounting sadism in his tone. I'm gay and I shall not marry.´ Her father did not known the truth, but was thrown away by her lack of propiety. The car swerved a little. She had been heard by the class of people he wanted to impress. He would have unabashedly pinned her for living alone but gay was something else. Gay lost him points with his audience and a narcissist is always trying to score on image.

I am not using this story to demean homosexuality. It is only an example of how to use an atypical point of view or one of the parents weak spots to lay the narcissistic attack to rest. Her tone was friendly and then she was silent. It was her decision whether to continue discussing marriage. The narcissist did not admit that what she said hit home. That would entail a loss of face. Deep inside what she said pertained to him. It is difficult for a narcissist to give sign of change. If you are looking for change writ large, you should go to someone else. A small but significant change not directly stated was that he did not again discuss her unmarried life in front of other people.

If what is said is objectionable, goes too far, or is said too often, we may need a more active approach to eliminate this critical behavior. Humor is one of the most effective and harmless ways of teaching. Humor does not have to be of the hohoho kind. It can be an event that stops the attacker cold, like showing by gentle comment and question that he is ill informed about something you know well. Take your parents insistence on publicly criticizing you. You feel humiliated and unable to stop her, which may call for heroic tactics. This can be humor of the outrageous kind that takes courage to effect. One who succumbs to his parents tongue does better if the humorous scene is rehearsed. Your are going to make it impossible for the parent to continue without self humiliation. She Will see you as a person not to mess with, one who can interfere with her manipulations and tricks.

The story is not completely the same, but it might be that you were dreaming (rehearsing?) about some kind of trick to stop her ´cold in the tracks´. I might be way off though.