Cyre2067
The Living Force
Howdy Guys & Gals, I've been attempting to observe my behavior, as always, and have noted some confusion when it comes to exercises in external consideration. I find myself wondering, am I practicing it to the best of my ability? What can I change in order to enhance it? To illustrate my recent struggles I'll share a few examples from my life and perhaps you all can point out where I need work and where I'm spot on.
The first situation is within my apartment and dealing with my roommates. To give some background, I've lived in my current spot for about a year, a few weeks more so, actually. Two of the roomies, we'll call them Raymond and Mary, have been here longer then I and one, Bela, has just moved in as of last November. To give an idea of their personalities, Raymond is a bit of a princess, by that I mean she is somewhat demanding, a bit passive aggressive, and has the potential to bully, though not necessarily everyone nor equally. He works for a major fashion company, travels often, and works very hard. Mary is a hostess, but her passion is opera and she's been trying to get her career off the ground with varying degrees of success. She's direct and sweet, but not really good at handling negative emotions in a productive way. Bela works for a university, she does financial aid stuff for students. She's from the middle east, very worldly and liberal in her thoughts, and the one roommate who seems to have a bit more maturity then I do. She gives great advice, and has no problem communicating it a direct, respectful manner. Myself, I'm pretty direct in my communications, though I have a tendency to ignore passive-aggressive behavior, or joke about it to lighten the mood. I tend to take responsibilities on that I probably shouldn't and that's where I'm looking for feedback.
So we've lived together in relative harmony for awhile now, however a few weeks ago we had a bit of a passive-agro-fest, which got me thinking that I needed to reevaluate and reorganize my strategy. By passive agro fest, I mean that Raymond had been using our white-board to correct behaviors, of mine in particular, that he didn't like. It happened three times or so in quick succession, and even sometimes he wrote on the board while I was home, in my room, instead of coming to me directly. Raymond 'corrected' me for leaving the brita on the counter instead of in the fridge (he likes his water COLD), leaving some dirty cookware out (2-3 hours max after I used it and I never leave things out overnight), and demanding 'someone' replace some light bulbs (after he said he'd take care of it and never did).
Mary also came home, quite distraught from an audition, and yelled at me because she didn't like the way the apartment had smelled (I burn scented candles and incense, sometimes sage), and I smoke cigs out my window during the cold weather spats. She also mentioned me 'leaving candles on' in my room which was a fire-hazard, 'a bunch of times' and it 'making her anxious'. I apologized and said I'd pay closer attention - though I never thought I left anything burning, it may have happened though I cannot be certain. Even if it happened the candles are built into glass holders, so even if it got tipped over somehow there's no way anything could catch fire, nor does the glass itself get very hot as the flames are small and wide.
I tried my best to smooth things over with both of them, and mentioned we should have a 'family meeting' to address issues directly and openly, and to help establish understood house rules and chore duties. We haven't had anything of the sort since I've lived here, and things tend to get done on a hap-hazard need-basis with no real assigned responsibilities. The meeting hasn't happened yet and we've been planning it for over a week now, it just seems that our schedules conflict and when they didn't (we had one night open that worked for everyone) I got one confirmation out of three saying that they'd be able to come and are planning on it, and then semi-yelled at because I didn't show up (two of them did).
After that I kinda 'lost interest' because, as usual, I felt a house-responsibility became a 'Brent-responsibility' and I shut down into 'well let them deal with it' mode.
Some other things that have been erking me have to do with chores and buying supplies. We have no way of tracking who spends what on what nor how often. So things just kinda 'get bought' when needed by people as it comes around to 'their turn'. Though we have no real way of making it fair. The same is true for chores. I tend to take care of the kitchen, by myself, since I use it the most and I like it clean. That said, I also take out the garbage/recycling and run the dishwasher/put the dishes away. I don't clean the living room since I barely use it, and since Bela and I share a bathroom we alternate cleanings.
What I think would be fair would be making a google spreadsheet to track purchases and dollar amounts, that way everyone could update it as they make purchases, and/or list things that need to be bought. Perhaps there's another solution, that's just what's popping in my mind. However, I know that Raymond will not want to put forth any effort in order to make things fair because he gets away with spending the least and doing the least in terms of chores due to his princess-entitlement issues.
I also think dividing up the cleaning assignments would be a good idea, with or without rotating. I have no problem cleaning the kitchen, but I also have to clean the bathroom, if I could only do one or the other I think that would be fair (we have four roommates, kitchen/living room and 2 bathrooms). So everyone could handle one room. As to how often the other clean the other rooms I have no idea, I only really know when Bela cleans the bathroom.
Sometimes I feel like a doormat, but at the same time I feel there is more I could do to make things go more smoothly. Apologies for the length, feedback, as always, is greatly appreciated.
The first situation is within my apartment and dealing with my roommates. To give some background, I've lived in my current spot for about a year, a few weeks more so, actually. Two of the roomies, we'll call them Raymond and Mary, have been here longer then I and one, Bela, has just moved in as of last November. To give an idea of their personalities, Raymond is a bit of a princess, by that I mean she is somewhat demanding, a bit passive aggressive, and has the potential to bully, though not necessarily everyone nor equally. He works for a major fashion company, travels often, and works very hard. Mary is a hostess, but her passion is opera and she's been trying to get her career off the ground with varying degrees of success. She's direct and sweet, but not really good at handling negative emotions in a productive way. Bela works for a university, she does financial aid stuff for students. She's from the middle east, very worldly and liberal in her thoughts, and the one roommate who seems to have a bit more maturity then I do. She gives great advice, and has no problem communicating it a direct, respectful manner. Myself, I'm pretty direct in my communications, though I have a tendency to ignore passive-aggressive behavior, or joke about it to lighten the mood. I tend to take responsibilities on that I probably shouldn't and that's where I'm looking for feedback.
So we've lived together in relative harmony for awhile now, however a few weeks ago we had a bit of a passive-agro-fest, which got me thinking that I needed to reevaluate and reorganize my strategy. By passive agro fest, I mean that Raymond had been using our white-board to correct behaviors, of mine in particular, that he didn't like. It happened three times or so in quick succession, and even sometimes he wrote on the board while I was home, in my room, instead of coming to me directly. Raymond 'corrected' me for leaving the brita on the counter instead of in the fridge (he likes his water COLD), leaving some dirty cookware out (2-3 hours max after I used it and I never leave things out overnight), and demanding 'someone' replace some light bulbs (after he said he'd take care of it and never did).
Mary also came home, quite distraught from an audition, and yelled at me because she didn't like the way the apartment had smelled (I burn scented candles and incense, sometimes sage), and I smoke cigs out my window during the cold weather spats. She also mentioned me 'leaving candles on' in my room which was a fire-hazard, 'a bunch of times' and it 'making her anxious'. I apologized and said I'd pay closer attention - though I never thought I left anything burning, it may have happened though I cannot be certain. Even if it happened the candles are built into glass holders, so even if it got tipped over somehow there's no way anything could catch fire, nor does the glass itself get very hot as the flames are small and wide.
I tried my best to smooth things over with both of them, and mentioned we should have a 'family meeting' to address issues directly and openly, and to help establish understood house rules and chore duties. We haven't had anything of the sort since I've lived here, and things tend to get done on a hap-hazard need-basis with no real assigned responsibilities. The meeting hasn't happened yet and we've been planning it for over a week now, it just seems that our schedules conflict and when they didn't (we had one night open that worked for everyone) I got one confirmation out of three saying that they'd be able to come and are planning on it, and then semi-yelled at because I didn't show up (two of them did).
After that I kinda 'lost interest' because, as usual, I felt a house-responsibility became a 'Brent-responsibility' and I shut down into 'well let them deal with it' mode.
Some other things that have been erking me have to do with chores and buying supplies. We have no way of tracking who spends what on what nor how often. So things just kinda 'get bought' when needed by people as it comes around to 'their turn'. Though we have no real way of making it fair. The same is true for chores. I tend to take care of the kitchen, by myself, since I use it the most and I like it clean. That said, I also take out the garbage/recycling and run the dishwasher/put the dishes away. I don't clean the living room since I barely use it, and since Bela and I share a bathroom we alternate cleanings.
What I think would be fair would be making a google spreadsheet to track purchases and dollar amounts, that way everyone could update it as they make purchases, and/or list things that need to be bought. Perhaps there's another solution, that's just what's popping in my mind. However, I know that Raymond will not want to put forth any effort in order to make things fair because he gets away with spending the least and doing the least in terms of chores due to his princess-entitlement issues.
I also think dividing up the cleaning assignments would be a good idea, with or without rotating. I have no problem cleaning the kitchen, but I also have to clean the bathroom, if I could only do one or the other I think that would be fair (we have four roommates, kitchen/living room and 2 bathrooms). So everyone could handle one room. As to how often the other clean the other rooms I have no idea, I only really know when Bela cleans the bathroom.
Sometimes I feel like a doormat, but at the same time I feel there is more I could do to make things go more smoothly. Apologies for the length, feedback, as always, is greatly appreciated.
