scared sad and alone

[penelope75]

i have never been alone for longer than a few weeks at a time, so what i'm going through is alien to me. grateful for the internet. and the 2 friends who have driven the distance to visit and get me out of the boonies. but i think its taking its toll. i agreed to dog sit and housesit for a friend as a favor... shes not paying me and i was ok with that... but my friend who owns a doggy day care said he would be charging her 50 a day for kenneling them. so by his estimates i have saved her 1400 dollars thus far, and will be here till nov 8th. while she is in hawaii. she knows i will be houseless when she gets back and i would've thought that knowing that she would tell me hey... i'm going to give you some money so you can meet a few basic needs when you leave... but i don't think so cause i had to sort of beg a little bit for her to help me with my phone bill which is only 50 dollars a month. i have run out of food... i told her and she didn't make any mention of how to help me eat while im at least a 30 min drive away from my closest friend. an hour and a half to the rest. i feel lost. and wild. also to compound tomorrow i will have four months without drinking booze. and i luckily quit cigs a few months back too. ....i have salt and can have a nice soak.. i've set out some twigs and could probably have a small bonfire outside. i also started writing more music and recording... but i'm getting mad cabin fever... moody emotional outbursts... and i'm alone. this transition is something i want to walk away from. a commitment i want to decline from. also because i feel that she will wind up not being so much of a friend to me after she has no use for me. it has happened before. thanks for reading... i just needed to share. i never want to be alone again. i hate it. ~sigh~

 

[Carl]

Would you mind explaining how you got in the situation of having no money in the first place? Perhaps going back and studying the events and your actions that led up to this situation would be helpful in figuring out where to go from here. It's important to get our day to day lives sorted before we start spending energy on esoteric subjects, though certain esoteric books (Gurdjieff, The Wave ect) can be very helpful in helping us with our daily lives, when applied. Have you read any of the recommended material?

Regarding loneliness, this thread may be of help.

Also, congratulations on 4 months without booze. I don't understand why you feel so trapped though, can you not leave the house?

 

[anart]

i have never been alone for longer than a few weeks at a time, so what i'm going through is alien to me. grateful for the internet. and the 2 friends who have driven the distance to visit and get me out of the boonies. but i think its taking its toll. i agreed to dog sit and housesit for a friend as a favor... shes not paying me and i was ok with that... but my friend who owns a doggy day care said he would be charging her 50 a day for kenneling them.

Well, if you were okay with it, then you are okay with it - it really doesn't matter what the 'doggie day care' friend says. You agreed to do it, so you do it. Next time you know better - all there is is lessons.

so by his estimates i have saved her 1400 dollars thus far, and will be here till nov 8th. while she is in hawaii. she knows i will be houseless when she gets back and i would've thought that knowing that she would tell me hey... i'm going to give you some money so you can meet a few basic needs when you leave... but i don't think so cause i had to sort of beg a little bit for her to help me with my phone bill which is only 50 dollars a month. i have run out of food... i told her and she didn't make any mention of how to help me eat while im at least a 30 min drive away from my closest friend. an hour and a half to the rest. i feel lost. and wild. also to compound tomorrow i will have four months without drinking booze. and i luckily quit cigs a few months back too. ....i have salt and can have a nice soak.. i've set out some twigs and could probably have a small bonfire outside. i also started writing more music and recording... but i'm getting mad cabin fever... moody emotional outbursts... and i'm alone. this transition is something i want to walk away from. a commitment i want to decline from. also because i feel that she will wind up not being so much of a friend to me after she has no use for me. it has happened before. thanks for reading... i just needed to share. i never want to be alone again. i hate it. ~sigh~

Sounds like you should contact her and let her know that you could use some funds for food, etc during your stay there. Walking away from the situation and leaving the dogs on their own is not acceptable, so - as always - you made the decision to do this, so you make the best of it, recognize your responsibility and don't let friends who run doggie daycares influence your thinking about what 'should be' when you already decided on 'what is'. Unpleasant situations are opportunities for growth.

 

[KTC]

It sux that you are feeling this way. It reads to me that you are blaming your friend for your situation. She might be thinking that she has given you a wonderful opportunity to stay somewhere for free when you have no money. Otherwise maybe she wouldn't have asked you. Try looking from your friends perspective too. She may see it very differently than how you feel. I hope you find solace, somewhere to live and someway to make ends meet.

 

[Risen]

Sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I agree your friend is under no obligation to give you more than you both agreed on but I don't see how you will be able to function and take care of the dogs and house if you have no food to eat. I don't know what to tell you except that if you decide to leave for whatever reason , (Like you're going bonkers and are afraid you might do something drastic or dangerous or you feel out of control) that you should make sure she knows it for the sake of the dogs.

 

[penelope75]

going bonkers is one way to put it... and lets see... how i have no money? i worked as a bartender in the french quarter and had a very regular full time job on bourbon st. a nice apt and my dog and cats. comfortable used furniture. a modest book collection. beauty and health care products in the bathroom and an awesome bathtub. my shangri la. then we had our little oil spill out there. work got slim, money got thin and then there wasn't any work. my bar didn't bring in enough revenue to keep it open as much.. my hours got cut.. and it was happening everywhere. i wound up finally getting evicted not for being late, which i was,, but for having a young married couple staying with me because the VA and the govt were not helping them and he was a wounded war vet. ptsd. i have bounced around from family member to friend since then having small jobs here and there but mostly just being used until no longer needed and then sent off without another thought.
i began drinking very heavily around the end of last year... i always drank pretty heavy... but this was ridiculous. i was drinking to black out four or more times a week. and begging the drink from others. i had to change. i had to wake up because that is not who i am. so for four months... i have been repairing that. and yes i have been reading the material and learning the breathing and using it.. i feel better even today from yesterday from just some breathing exercises... im grateful for the time i've been able to spend writing songs, and learning how to record them my self... i'm just lonely. i'm a people person. a rock collector. i once told someone while i was unaware i was speaking (blacked out) that i lived in the metaphysical. but apparently i also need to live in the city too. and if i left here to go back to new orleans, being a bartender, and musician.. i would be ok.
my friend probably did see having me here as a favor to me... but i didn't know i would feel so much like i'm losing my mind.

 

[Voyageur]

Not sure if you have had a chance to read in-depth on the diet thread here: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,24544.msg281285.html#msg281285 wherein the following is listed:

Here's a short chronological list of some of the latest health books we recommend:

2000 - Life Without Bread (Allan and Lutz)
2001 - Lights Out (Wiley and Formby)
2005 - The Fiber Menace (Monastyrsky)
2008 - Good Calories, Bad Calories (Taubes)
2009 - The Vegetarian Myth (Keith)
2010 - The New Atkins for a New You (Westman, Phinney, and Volek)
2010 - Why We Get Fat (Taubes)
2011 - The Art and Science of Low Carbohydrate Living (Volek and Phinney)
2011 - Primal Body, Primal Mind (Gedgaudas) [also here]

And some others I've come across that might make good additions:

1999 - Protein Power (Eades and Eades)
2000 - Know Your Fats (Enig)
2002 - Dangerous Grains (Braly, Hoggan, and Wright)
2003 - The Mood Cure (Ross)
2004 - Against the Grain (Manning)
2006 - Eat Fat, Lose Fat (Enig)
2007 - Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution (Bernstein)

Having no money does not open up your choices for food, yet perhaps you can describe what you are eating and evaluate from the thread what can be contraindications for said foods for you and share your thoughts.

Being alone in isolation carries a great deal of self awareness and can be difficult to extremes. Reaching out is important, especially allowing for feedback. This also includes reaching out to the home owners if necessary, which it is, to help you navigate for your immediate requirements.

[quote author=penelope]
i have bounced around from family member to friend since then having small jobs here and there but mostly just being used until no longer needed and then sent off without another thought.
[/quote]

This is a difficult matter to look at and perhaps a good question might be to look at why this is so more closely for you. Here as was listed in the welcome post to you, are books of importance on these matters if you've not read any of them before:

Narcissism "Big Five"
Myth of Sanity - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers - Barbara E. Hort
In Sheep's Clothing - George K. Simon

my friend probably did see having me here as a favor to me... but i didn't know i would feel so much like i'm losing my mind.

Is there anyone you trust who can stay with you awhile until these people get back in November?

 

[Mrs. Peel]

i began drinking very heavily around the end of last year... i always drank pretty heavy... but this was ridiculous. i was drinking to black out four or more times a week. and begging the drink from others. i had to change. i had to wake up because that is not who i am. so for four months... i have been repairing that. and yes i have been reading the material and learning the breathing and using it.. i feel better even today from yesterday from just some breathing exercises... im grateful for the time i've been able to spend writing songs, and learning how to record them my self... i'm just lonely. i'm a people person. a rock collector. i once told someone while i was unaware i was speaking (blacked out) that i lived in the metaphysical. but apparently i also need to live in the city too. and if i left here to go back to new orleans, being a bartender, and musician.. i would be ok.

Well, if you are serious about working on yourself and changing your diet, than drinking is OUT. If that is the case, then working in a bar may not be such a good idea. Can you be a bartender and not drink?

 

[Iron]

i began drinking very heavily around the end of last year... i always drank pretty heavy... but this was ridiculous. i was drinking to black out four or more times a week. and begging the drink from others. i had to change. i had to wake up because that is not who i am. so for four months... i have been repairing that. and yes i have been reading the material and learning the breathing and using it.. i feel better even today from yesterday from just some breathing exercises... im grateful for the time i've been able to spend writing songs, and learning how to record them my self... i'm just lonely. i'm a people person. a rock collector. i once told someone while i was unaware i was speaking (blacked out) that i lived in the metaphysical. but apparently i also need to live in the city too. and if i left here to go back to new orleans, being a bartender, and musician.. i would be ok.

Well, if you are serious about working on yourself and changing your diet, than drinking is OUT. If that is the case, then working in a bar may not be such a good idea. Can you be a bartender and not drink?

If she really likes to drink, she could not drink only by expending a enourmous amount of energy, that should be spent trying to change your diet and working on herself, I think.

 

[penelope75]

i began drinking very heavily around the end of last year... i always drank pretty heavy... but this was ridiculous. i was drinking to black out four or more times a week. and begging the drink from others. i had to change. i had to wake up because that is not who i am. so for four months... i have been repairing that. and yes i have been reading the material and learning the breathing and using it.. i feel better even today from yesterday from just some breathing exercises... im grateful for the time i've been able to spend writing songs, and learning how to record them my self... i'm just lonely. i'm a people person. a rock collector. i once told someone while i was unaware i was speaking (blacked out) that i lived in the metaphysical. but apparently i also need to live in the city too. and if i left here to go back to new orleans, being a bartender, and musician.. i would be ok.

Well, if you are serious about working on yourself and changing your diet, than drinking is OUT. If that is the case, then working in a bar may not be such a good idea. Can you be a bartender and not drink?

i can and have. i now have four months and no drinking. even when there are high stressors involved. and drink is available.

i decided to ask her to make alternate plans because i needed to take care of my self and now i am out of her home. she was nasty and vindictive and threatening. and followed it up with telling me i was messed up and she would pray for me. ... um ... yeah. ok.

im in a safe loving environment.

 

[penelope75]

thank you for the reading suggestions. i will look into them as possible.

 

[anart]

i decided to ask her to make alternate plans because i needed to take care of my self and now i am out of her home. she was nasty and vindictive and threatening. and followed it up with telling me i was messed up and she would pray for me. ... um ... yeah. ok.

Did you leave her dogs with no one to look after them? If so, I can see why she would be angry. Hopefully you did not do that?

 

[penelope75]

of course not! i made sure she knew and her family knew. they weren't left unattended.