Scientists tell their favourite jokes

[Laura]

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/dec/29/scientists-favourite-jokes?CMP=EMCNEWEML6619I2

Some samples:

A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere… "

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ. "NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!" he says. "NaCl over NaOH?" shouts his officer. "What do you mean?" "The base is under a salt!" came the reply.

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

 

[SeekinTruth]

I like the DNA - Nation Dyslexia Association the best.

 

[Zadius Sky]

Those are good ones.

I like the following, which came from the comment section in the link above:

Heisenberg and Schrödinger are out for a drive when they get stopped by the police. The policeman asks Heisenberg "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" and Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am!". Confused, the officer says "Sir, you were doing 80 mph", and Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and huffs "Great, now I don't know where I am anymore!".

The policeman thinks something is going on, and orders the pair out of the car so that he can search it for contraband. He looks under the seats, in the glove compartment, in the back, and then walks around the car and opens the boot. He stares into it for a moment, turns to Schrödinger and says "Sir, did you know there's a dead cat in here?!", so Schrödinger rolls his eyes and snorts "Yeah, we do now!".

 

[Aeneas]

Those are good ones.

I like the following, which came from the comment section in the link above:

Heisenberg and Schrödinger are out for a drive when they get stopped by the police. The policeman asks Heisenberg "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" and Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am!". Confused, the officer says "Sir, you were doing 80 mph", and Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and huffs "Great, now I don't know where I am anymore!".

The policeman thinks something is going on, and orders the pair out of the car so that he can search it for contraband. He looks under the seats, in the glove compartment, in the back, and then walks around the car and opens the boot. He stares into it for a moment, turns to Schrödinger and says "Sir, did you know there's a dead cat in here?!", so Schrödinger rolls his eyes and snorts "Yeah, we do now!".

 

[H-KQGE]

I liked the DNA one & the chemistry teacher one, those types for me, are the best science jokes. So in that vein, here's a few that tickle me.

I would tell you a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon

ooh!

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender says "for you! No charge!"

come on!

A bar of gold walks into a bar, the bartender, who is silver, yells to him A U, get outta here!!

Surely that's gotta be worth something?! ;D

A photon checks into a hotel and they asked him if they can carry his luggages. He said "No thanks, im travelling light."

What does a bad liar and a Lyme disease research lab have in common They have a lot of nervous ticks

That's me done.

 

[RedFox]

:P

The bartender says "We don't serve tachyons in here"

A tachyon walks into a bar.

A bit tacky, but thought I'd share the following:

 

[sbeaudry]

Some very funny jokes so far...I don't know how science oriented this next one is but here goes:

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender comes over and says "We don't serve strings in this bar. Get out!" The string gets up looking quite dejected and walks out of the bar with its head down. As it heads out into the street the string gets an idea and starts pulling itself apart and twisting about. The string turns around and heads back into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender comes over and says, "Hey aren't you that string I told to leave?" To which it replies, "No I'm a frayed knot!"

 

[Rabelais]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender says "for you! No charge!"

Sorry for the double post. A facebook friend just posted that one on my wall. I chuckled and brought it over here before I read this thread. She seems to have found them in the same place as Laura. _http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/dec/29/scientists-favourite-jokes

There are lots more. Some are real groaners:

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."
"Where are we then?"
"Do you see that mountain over there?"
"Yes."
"Well… THAT'S where we are."

 

[Redrock12]

Caesar, I don't have any science-oriented jokes I can add.
But thanks to all you jokesters.
They're all hilarious.

 

[dugdeep]

Here's a few from Chemistry Cat

 

[Deleted member 8431]

I love science jokes! (These are all from Google images.)

 

[Buddy]

Those were really funny.

I have a favorite that confuses some people when they ask me about something and I jokingly tell them "oh, that's just my CDO." Should they mistakenly ask about 'CDO', then I say "it's OCD with the letters in the right order." :)

Back to the more traditional scientists...

 

[whitecoast]

Here is one from Computer Science:

There are 10 kinds of people: those who know binary, and those who don't.

 

[SeekinTruth]

Those are all great, too.

 

[HiThere]