Crystla24
Jedi
Okay, so to begin, there were a few different things I was going to mention in the forum according to appropriate threads. But as a little bit of time passed I began to feel like it wonderfully tied together. It all started with what I thought was just a really creepy nightmare. Then, a few days later my mom came to visit and I even happened to mention to her about the nightmare (without the seeming revelation I had not had yet), but had other very interesting conversation. A conversation that I believe will help me move on and let go of a lot of the emotional baggage I've been holding onto for far too long (perpetuating the "lies to myself"). After the conversation with my mom I started into the fourth volume of The Wave. Also I did happen to listen to ISOTM on audio MP3; which, commentary says does leave out bits and pieces (so I will read the book as well), but had a chance to get a good idea/perspective of the book I had not had before. With this combination I seemingly interpreted my nightmare/dream/possibly vision? Whether or not this dream is actually what I am making of it, it is inspirational to myself none the less. First of all though I would like to give a short background of my mother's personality and the conversation we had, so I will change the order of events a little.
Growing up, (and my view point has changed a bit now) I always held my mother in contempt of my life. She WAS abusive, physically and emotionally. Along with very skitzophrenic tendencies, she was also quite controling. She was always telling me what choices I needed to be making, such as what friends I should not be associating with, how I needed to cunduct myself around certain people, or other people in general. If I did not agree with her, she would fly off the handle and insult my being to the most hurtful degrees. I won't delve too deep into that though. As a rebellious/strong willed child/teen, I had an opinion that I didn't care what anyone else thought of me or my friends. I always thought my mom was the most shallow person, always judging people without even knowing who they are. Anyhow, I fought it and her and I did whatever the hell I wanted and let her know where I stood on the subjects she would bring up, hoping one day she would realize that SHE was the person who had a problem, not the rest of the world. So it goes, my mom and I never got along and butted heads all the way through my young adulthood. I moved out when I was 16 and left to finish school and worked to pay for my own apartment with roommates. I would go for 1-2 years at a time without ever speaking to her, and then I would break down and let her back in my life. Just for her to pull Skitzo stunts over and over. Since I was 16 until the present (25 now) I have gone at least 6 of those years of never speaking to her. I had it rough on my own from such a young age. And I even had already had realizations that I am the one who had chose my path and tried to take accountability for all those hard times. But in the back of my head, I had never really forgave my mom for being such a witch; and after I left, she just stopped trying. Deep down, I hurt because I felt abandoned. Alone in a cold, ruthless world. All I wanted to do was break anytype of control of me and live!
Now our conversation (bare with me, there is an important dynamic here I very solidly identified and identified with), about two weeks ago she had come to visit me. We ended up staying up very late talking about spirituality and such. She has never controled my spiritual beliefs and has always been quite spiritual herself. I ended up telling her a bunch of what I was learning in "books I was reading" and she was hanging on to my every word, completely interested in everything I had to say. In the past we have had conversation about how her, myself, my sister, and past relatives have always had "a light" that many people seemingly didn't have. In this conversation it came up again, and I told her about how I had read that this "light" WAS said to be genetic, but not all family members necessarily have it. And she commenced to going through the family tree saying who she thought did and did not have "it", along with some inconclusive :). My maternal family is all full-blood German (my mother a German/Skitzo/ and Cancer to boot! Can you see where I had issues with her temper lol). Through research my aunt did, says that our family migrated through Russia. Apparently at the time, Germany was said to have the top farming technology and while Catherine The Great ruled baron Russia, had made a deal with the Germans that if they came to Russia and farmed the land she would give them freedon of religion and such things. My mom even went on to tell me that our ancestors even had the ability to predict when they should and shouldn't plant their crops. When a hailstorm would hit and wipe out everyones fields', our family would plant shortly after with no losses! Well after all this, we went on to talk about our past. Which until that point, neither of us would bring up, just for getting along sakes. She actually apologized for all of the cruelty and abuse that went on! That alone, is a got darn miracle. In the past, she always made up some delusional reason why she was right and would never admit she was wrong ever. Well, she then began bringing up certain fall-outs that we had had (started making me edgy right off the bat). She said that she always had that feeling in her Being that whatever choice I was making was a wrong one and she couldn't exactly tell me how, that she just KNEW it. As she continued, she pointed out that no matter how hard she tried to put me on the right path, I just fought it all the way. She never gave up on me in the end, she realized that I did not belong to her, but to God. And that no matter how she wanted to help, she knew that she needed to leave me to my own decisions to learn for myself. She told me that I made her realize this and that she could not control people. I was her lesson in Freewill! And I to my gravely unconscious delusions, certainly picked a fast-wave cycle, which in the end, got me to where I am today.
Now this heart to heart with my mother also hit me hard as to the fate of my parent-child relationship with my son (who is already strong-willed). I actually can empathize with the mourning Laura endured in finding what had to happen. No matter how much I want to shelter my son from all the evil in the world, I won't be able to. It would drive him to rebel and hate me like my own parental relationship had happened, also prolonging his life's cycle. I will have to let him make his own choices, and make his own mistakes. The thing I want to change from that of my own happenings is instead of abandoning him to his own choices, I want to be there to encourage him when he falls. Maybe I can help his Cycle, by just bringing positivity to the table.
So now, after all this, I start reading the fourth volume of The Wave and got to read all the Shaman Initiation stuff. It really gets me thinking alot about more than I will discuss here, but it was just interesting talking about Shamanism being genetic, and after I could see that my mom had had a light of some sort all along. Lol, before I related some of this to my dream, I thought about titling the thread I wanted to write "Shamanic Ecstasy, In the genes?" Sorry, I have a lame sense of humor :) Joking aside, my mom's seeming skitzophrenia could have been her not being able to coherently communicate what she could "see". And then some of the history that she had told me was pretty interesting too. So I just finished listening to ISOTM, and then started on this section of the wave and that awful nightmare I had hit me about what the meaning could have been. I waited to talk about the dream in the end, so I could analyse it as I wrote:
Usually, most of my dreams are pretty boring with not much meaning that I can tell. Pretty much, most of them I interpret to me being worried my alarm clock won't go off, and many I can never remember. This one really made me wonder because I just got a new puppy that was sleeping with me and it would stir and kinda wake me up. As soon as I slipped back into sleep my dream/nightmare it picked up right where it left off, instead of starting a new. It started out that a ghost was haunting me and only had me targeted. A poltergeist really. Objects were lifting up and being hurled at me, I was getting pushed and shoved around. When I spoke of it to anyone, they acted like I was crazy, and nobody would listen. This ghost even started haunting my dreams. I remember I was sleeping in my dream and had an altogether different dream and the evil spirit interupted my dreams and haunted it! I awoke in my dream and remember feeling that awful spirit just enveloped in the whole room. This alone is pretty weird, I've never had a dream in a dream and had it refer directly back to the dream at hand!? And that was it! I knew that if it was getting in my dreams it must be pretty powerful. Everything I tried to get rid of it didn't work and I ended up breaking down and deciding I needed help. I called the minister I had spoken to on and off over to help me. This spirit had never manifested in front of anyone else but me, but when I brought this minister over, it completely unleashed havoc. It commenced to tearing the whole house apart and was coming after me. It got right face to face with me, reached forward with it's ethereal hand, reached in and grabbed my throat. When it grabbed my throat, it felt like my throat was no longer my own and the demon tried to activate my vocal chords. This really pissed me off (I would not get possessed without putting up a huge fight!), and I used all the Will power I had to push the damned thing out. It felt like I blasted it away from me with my energy, and then I shouted toward the minister "That's no ghost! It's a demon!". As soon as I shouted this, he yelled toward the demon something along the lines of, "In the name of Jesus Christ, what is your Name!" The demon spoke for the first time revealing it's name (which I don't remember what it said it's name was). After that, the minister said some sort of prayer/command and did vanquish the demon. As soon as this demon was gone, two more appeared! I yelled to my friend/minister, "It was not one demon. There's three!" Soon after this, I woke up. Every aspect of the dream remaining completely vivid. I analysed my room to determine if there happened to have been a real spirit messing with me, but I could tell that there was not. The dream was manifested purely of my own subconscience. This dream did not leave a lingering fear, but left me wondering what it could mean. What were the Name's of these three demons of my subconscience? Immediately, I hadn't put too much thought into it, I didn't want to put too much into what could have been a simple nightmare.
Now, having this dream two weeks before reading the Shamanic Initiation stuff and hearing ISOTM, I know my interpretation is directly influenced. That's why when I introduced the thread I made mention of whether this could be the meaning either way not, it will be inspirational none the less... When I first got a glimpse of awakening, I DID freak out. And there is evidence of this on this forum. When I was writing stuff, I knew I was making an ass of myself, but I did not care (lack of external consideration). And I knew before hand the burn of making an ass of my self would teach me to shut my mouth, but I could not hold in all that had happened. I wanted to tell someone, and the people around me in my life are people I did not want to act a fool around. So I did release my foolishness into this forum, knowing I was doing so. It was weird because I had just started into The Wave and associating with this forum and I decided to try to cross examine some of this stuff I felt I was going through and I did go and talk to this certain minister that was in my dream. I told him something was happening and it seemed I was being shown new secrets to the universe and I carefully chose my words. Everything he said he seemed to know exactly what I was going through and gave some extremely helpful advice. After this I had not spoken much about what was going through my head, but I would try to apply some of my seemingly new knowledge and advised a person or two. Well, after I had given any type of advise, new things would come to light! These new things completely eradicated what I thought to be true just days before and replaced it with yet another understanding. I came to realise that I could not give good advice, because I truly did not know. This cycle is ever changing for whoever is on whatever part of their Grand Cycle. Maybe my subconscience realized I had maybe overcome this "demon". This demon that grabbed my THROAT and tried to speak. Which coincidentally I read shortly after that the C's said that the throat is where the Lower Intellectual chakra lies. This lower intellect that makes me look foolish when I speak it! It's kinda weird too that the advise of this minister really did help me, and in my dream he was there and helped me vanquish that particular demon.
Then, the ISOTM comes in. All the little "I's". Ouspensky talks about how learning how to quit lying via verbally is the easy "demon", in my own words. It is much harder to learn to quit lying to yourself! Shortly after this dream, me and my mother had this intense conversation that helped me to realize that I could no longer justify all my bad decisions by blaming her. Blaming her and everyone else were my lies to myself that kept me comfortable from having to fully own up to my own decisions. It wasn't me or my fault if I could blame someone else! Well now, I still having plenty of digging into what in my past makes me artificially who I thought I was. I can come to new terms with my Being as a whole, not all the Laws of Accident forming who I Am. Where I am in my life now, I have a lot of materialism along with a divorce really taking alot (more that alot) out of me. Indeed now, I feel like I am approaching full spiritual and physical bankruptcy of everything I thought that I was. And I welcome it! Everyday I see something else is leaving me and I feel pure freedom approaching. I realise I can leave the locked room! But I do not want to take the contents of my prison with me. I have been thinking about moving and once and for all I am cleaning out my storage and getting rid of past sentiments that no longer need to be excess baggage as well as all the emotional baggage I want to sort and leave behind. As, Boris Moravieff speaks of the jar of iron pieces. I am dumping the jar out and only putting the "good" ones back, before I decide to make it solid. This I believe is the second demon. And it comes along as soon as my subconscience decides the first gone. Coincidence? I believe I can get rid of this second demon with a little old fashion elbow grease and a whole lot of meditation into my past and welcoming the bankruptcy as it continues to come! I've never been a sissy about my life anyways, but this point of view really does keep me from feeling hopeless. Anyway, the second demon could very well represent my Lower Emotional center.
Now this is where maybe after I can control the first two "demons". The rebirth can take place and I can start anew as a unified I, choosing a life and having more control over the Law of Accident. Anew, with my own Freewill, along with the Knowledge that will continue to direct my Choices. But I realize there is still a third demon! That third demon will be the hardest of them all, and that will be to actually be able to Live Truthfully and Unified through my Actions. As G says in ISOTM, this can be a task that one can live an entire life and die before ever being able to achieve (and if I solidify wrong, I could have to start all over again!). This "demon" will be the hardest to deal with and if I were to overcome it, then, maybe then... I truly can be a Master of my Self.
Growing up, (and my view point has changed a bit now) I always held my mother in contempt of my life. She WAS abusive, physically and emotionally. Along with very skitzophrenic tendencies, she was also quite controling. She was always telling me what choices I needed to be making, such as what friends I should not be associating with, how I needed to cunduct myself around certain people, or other people in general. If I did not agree with her, she would fly off the handle and insult my being to the most hurtful degrees. I won't delve too deep into that though. As a rebellious/strong willed child/teen, I had an opinion that I didn't care what anyone else thought of me or my friends. I always thought my mom was the most shallow person, always judging people without even knowing who they are. Anyhow, I fought it and her and I did whatever the hell I wanted and let her know where I stood on the subjects she would bring up, hoping one day she would realize that SHE was the person who had a problem, not the rest of the world. So it goes, my mom and I never got along and butted heads all the way through my young adulthood. I moved out when I was 16 and left to finish school and worked to pay for my own apartment with roommates. I would go for 1-2 years at a time without ever speaking to her, and then I would break down and let her back in my life. Just for her to pull Skitzo stunts over and over. Since I was 16 until the present (25 now) I have gone at least 6 of those years of never speaking to her. I had it rough on my own from such a young age. And I even had already had realizations that I am the one who had chose my path and tried to take accountability for all those hard times. But in the back of my head, I had never really forgave my mom for being such a witch; and after I left, she just stopped trying. Deep down, I hurt because I felt abandoned. Alone in a cold, ruthless world. All I wanted to do was break anytype of control of me and live!
Now our conversation (bare with me, there is an important dynamic here I very solidly identified and identified with), about two weeks ago she had come to visit me. We ended up staying up very late talking about spirituality and such. She has never controled my spiritual beliefs and has always been quite spiritual herself. I ended up telling her a bunch of what I was learning in "books I was reading" and she was hanging on to my every word, completely interested in everything I had to say. In the past we have had conversation about how her, myself, my sister, and past relatives have always had "a light" that many people seemingly didn't have. In this conversation it came up again, and I told her about how I had read that this "light" WAS said to be genetic, but not all family members necessarily have it. And she commenced to going through the family tree saying who she thought did and did not have "it", along with some inconclusive :). My maternal family is all full-blood German (my mother a German/Skitzo/ and Cancer to boot! Can you see where I had issues with her temper lol). Through research my aunt did, says that our family migrated through Russia. Apparently at the time, Germany was said to have the top farming technology and while Catherine The Great ruled baron Russia, had made a deal with the Germans that if they came to Russia and farmed the land she would give them freedon of religion and such things. My mom even went on to tell me that our ancestors even had the ability to predict when they should and shouldn't plant their crops. When a hailstorm would hit and wipe out everyones fields', our family would plant shortly after with no losses! Well after all this, we went on to talk about our past. Which until that point, neither of us would bring up, just for getting along sakes. She actually apologized for all of the cruelty and abuse that went on! That alone, is a got darn miracle. In the past, she always made up some delusional reason why she was right and would never admit she was wrong ever. Well, she then began bringing up certain fall-outs that we had had (started making me edgy right off the bat). She said that she always had that feeling in her Being that whatever choice I was making was a wrong one and she couldn't exactly tell me how, that she just KNEW it. As she continued, she pointed out that no matter how hard she tried to put me on the right path, I just fought it all the way. She never gave up on me in the end, she realized that I did not belong to her, but to God. And that no matter how she wanted to help, she knew that she needed to leave me to my own decisions to learn for myself. She told me that I made her realize this and that she could not control people. I was her lesson in Freewill! And I to my gravely unconscious delusions, certainly picked a fast-wave cycle, which in the end, got me to where I am today.
Now this heart to heart with my mother also hit me hard as to the fate of my parent-child relationship with my son (who is already strong-willed). I actually can empathize with the mourning Laura endured in finding what had to happen. No matter how much I want to shelter my son from all the evil in the world, I won't be able to. It would drive him to rebel and hate me like my own parental relationship had happened, also prolonging his life's cycle. I will have to let him make his own choices, and make his own mistakes. The thing I want to change from that of my own happenings is instead of abandoning him to his own choices, I want to be there to encourage him when he falls. Maybe I can help his Cycle, by just bringing positivity to the table.
So now, after all this, I start reading the fourth volume of The Wave and got to read all the Shaman Initiation stuff. It really gets me thinking alot about more than I will discuss here, but it was just interesting talking about Shamanism being genetic, and after I could see that my mom had had a light of some sort all along. Lol, before I related some of this to my dream, I thought about titling the thread I wanted to write "Shamanic Ecstasy, In the genes?" Sorry, I have a lame sense of humor :) Joking aside, my mom's seeming skitzophrenia could have been her not being able to coherently communicate what she could "see". And then some of the history that she had told me was pretty interesting too. So I just finished listening to ISOTM, and then started on this section of the wave and that awful nightmare I had hit me about what the meaning could have been. I waited to talk about the dream in the end, so I could analyse it as I wrote:
Usually, most of my dreams are pretty boring with not much meaning that I can tell. Pretty much, most of them I interpret to me being worried my alarm clock won't go off, and many I can never remember. This one really made me wonder because I just got a new puppy that was sleeping with me and it would stir and kinda wake me up. As soon as I slipped back into sleep my dream/nightmare it picked up right where it left off, instead of starting a new. It started out that a ghost was haunting me and only had me targeted. A poltergeist really. Objects were lifting up and being hurled at me, I was getting pushed and shoved around. When I spoke of it to anyone, they acted like I was crazy, and nobody would listen. This ghost even started haunting my dreams. I remember I was sleeping in my dream and had an altogether different dream and the evil spirit interupted my dreams and haunted it! I awoke in my dream and remember feeling that awful spirit just enveloped in the whole room. This alone is pretty weird, I've never had a dream in a dream and had it refer directly back to the dream at hand!? And that was it! I knew that if it was getting in my dreams it must be pretty powerful. Everything I tried to get rid of it didn't work and I ended up breaking down and deciding I needed help. I called the minister I had spoken to on and off over to help me. This spirit had never manifested in front of anyone else but me, but when I brought this minister over, it completely unleashed havoc. It commenced to tearing the whole house apart and was coming after me. It got right face to face with me, reached forward with it's ethereal hand, reached in and grabbed my throat. When it grabbed my throat, it felt like my throat was no longer my own and the demon tried to activate my vocal chords. This really pissed me off (I would not get possessed without putting up a huge fight!), and I used all the Will power I had to push the damned thing out. It felt like I blasted it away from me with my energy, and then I shouted toward the minister "That's no ghost! It's a demon!". As soon as I shouted this, he yelled toward the demon something along the lines of, "In the name of Jesus Christ, what is your Name!" The demon spoke for the first time revealing it's name (which I don't remember what it said it's name was). After that, the minister said some sort of prayer/command and did vanquish the demon. As soon as this demon was gone, two more appeared! I yelled to my friend/minister, "It was not one demon. There's three!" Soon after this, I woke up. Every aspect of the dream remaining completely vivid. I analysed my room to determine if there happened to have been a real spirit messing with me, but I could tell that there was not. The dream was manifested purely of my own subconscience. This dream did not leave a lingering fear, but left me wondering what it could mean. What were the Name's of these three demons of my subconscience? Immediately, I hadn't put too much thought into it, I didn't want to put too much into what could have been a simple nightmare.
Now, having this dream two weeks before reading the Shamanic Initiation stuff and hearing ISOTM, I know my interpretation is directly influenced. That's why when I introduced the thread I made mention of whether this could be the meaning either way not, it will be inspirational none the less... When I first got a glimpse of awakening, I DID freak out. And there is evidence of this on this forum. When I was writing stuff, I knew I was making an ass of myself, but I did not care (lack of external consideration). And I knew before hand the burn of making an ass of my self would teach me to shut my mouth, but I could not hold in all that had happened. I wanted to tell someone, and the people around me in my life are people I did not want to act a fool around. So I did release my foolishness into this forum, knowing I was doing so. It was weird because I had just started into The Wave and associating with this forum and I decided to try to cross examine some of this stuff I felt I was going through and I did go and talk to this certain minister that was in my dream. I told him something was happening and it seemed I was being shown new secrets to the universe and I carefully chose my words. Everything he said he seemed to know exactly what I was going through and gave some extremely helpful advice. After this I had not spoken much about what was going through my head, but I would try to apply some of my seemingly new knowledge and advised a person or two. Well, after I had given any type of advise, new things would come to light! These new things completely eradicated what I thought to be true just days before and replaced it with yet another understanding. I came to realise that I could not give good advice, because I truly did not know. This cycle is ever changing for whoever is on whatever part of their Grand Cycle. Maybe my subconscience realized I had maybe overcome this "demon". This demon that grabbed my THROAT and tried to speak. Which coincidentally I read shortly after that the C's said that the throat is where the Lower Intellectual chakra lies. This lower intellect that makes me look foolish when I speak it! It's kinda weird too that the advise of this minister really did help me, and in my dream he was there and helped me vanquish that particular demon.
Then, the ISOTM comes in. All the little "I's". Ouspensky talks about how learning how to quit lying via verbally is the easy "demon", in my own words. It is much harder to learn to quit lying to yourself! Shortly after this dream, me and my mother had this intense conversation that helped me to realize that I could no longer justify all my bad decisions by blaming her. Blaming her and everyone else were my lies to myself that kept me comfortable from having to fully own up to my own decisions. It wasn't me or my fault if I could blame someone else! Well now, I still having plenty of digging into what in my past makes me artificially who I thought I was. I can come to new terms with my Being as a whole, not all the Laws of Accident forming who I Am. Where I am in my life now, I have a lot of materialism along with a divorce really taking alot (more that alot) out of me. Indeed now, I feel like I am approaching full spiritual and physical bankruptcy of everything I thought that I was. And I welcome it! Everyday I see something else is leaving me and I feel pure freedom approaching. I realise I can leave the locked room! But I do not want to take the contents of my prison with me. I have been thinking about moving and once and for all I am cleaning out my storage and getting rid of past sentiments that no longer need to be excess baggage as well as all the emotional baggage I want to sort and leave behind. As, Boris Moravieff speaks of the jar of iron pieces. I am dumping the jar out and only putting the "good" ones back, before I decide to make it solid. This I believe is the second demon. And it comes along as soon as my subconscience decides the first gone. Coincidence? I believe I can get rid of this second demon with a little old fashion elbow grease and a whole lot of meditation into my past and welcoming the bankruptcy as it continues to come! I've never been a sissy about my life anyways, but this point of view really does keep me from feeling hopeless. Anyway, the second demon could very well represent my Lower Emotional center.
Now this is where maybe after I can control the first two "demons". The rebirth can take place and I can start anew as a unified I, choosing a life and having more control over the Law of Accident. Anew, with my own Freewill, along with the Knowledge that will continue to direct my Choices. But I realize there is still a third demon! That third demon will be the hardest of them all, and that will be to actually be able to Live Truthfully and Unified through my Actions. As G says in ISOTM, this can be a task that one can live an entire life and die before ever being able to achieve (and if I solidify wrong, I could have to start all over again!). This "demon" will be the hardest to deal with and if I were to overcome it, then, maybe then... I truly can be a Master of my Self.
