Flux2012 said:
Shocks? As in you are experiencing electrical shocks?
Electrical shocks well I'm going to guess you mean not lighting from the sky or from an electrical socket but shocks. Unexpected shocks that occur while working on awakening like when accumulating information after information that when you fall back into an illusion (when you forget yourself) something like a jolt occurs when your alone and in a calm state or a frustration that is going on underneath (subconsciously) that you are faintly aware of consciously and your trying to find out why you feel uncomfortable.
This pertaining in my small quantity of experience is a quality that occurs right before I fall asleep or when I’m asleep and as a result I jump up out of this sleep and sit up and have an awareness, as my body didn’t experience the drag of wakening up neither. I get clarity and an understanding for something I don’t entirely remember. But as soon as I get something to work with it escapes me and only comes to me just a little later in the day. As a result I got clarity about the things I’ve been pondering about which leads to my life experiences I hadn’t considered.
For example I use to work with a man who I believe is an organic portal. Now I know the C’s have mentioned not to title people unless you have watch them for a long period of time. But given that I work with this man for 9 years since I was 13 and known him since I was thirteen, this amount of years of knowing and working with him I can say he is an OP. Jumping ahead, given the knowledge I have been obtaining it seems that the shocks has given me a lens to see a situation as it is. The root cause of my hardship in allowing and seeing other as they are and not interfering with people’s lessons stems from years of suppression and submitting to this man’s authoritarian characteristics: not allowing any other to freely express themselves without him interrupting and putting a stop to my own interpretations or free will.
As a young child I decided to just be quite and not make waves because if I did It would hurt his feelings or disturb his feelings and cause a drain like you wouldn’t believe; you see he uses emotions to make his point and being a violent bar fighter all his life there no level he wouldn’t steep to. You see I had the thoughts of this man trying to corrupt me because for once he seen a family that was honest and not after self gratification so he would always try to calculate when talking to my father as if my father was not as loyal to his wife as he showed. Although I knew not to take him seriously in anything he said, I brush off his talks as I look out the window just waiting for the days work to be over so I could get back home. You seen he played a whole part in the debasement his own life and partly his son’s life. He felt that he could make things right by trying to brand me with his narcissistic ideology.
Resentment grew in me and as a result I became my own authoritarian over the years and a rebel ion towards anyone’s interpretation of situation even if correct. I hid myself when it came to being vulnerable. It seems before I came to this clarity I had to work on changing this without knowing the root cause. But now I can work on letting people who are different than I “be” and not stepping in to help them or creating a conflict in my head where I criticize the normal members in my family when I see them doing the things I use to do when I was fast asleep. And even more challenging in letting the ones affect my fragile-X “be” I more critical where help is wanted or necessary.
Edit=put post into paragraphs to make it easier for others to read.
