Sometimes They Come Back

[doormouse]

Triple Sigh.

The psycho ex-boyfriend I managed to run off two years ago is back in town. Neighbors called me at the office at 9 AM in hysterics to let me know that X was casing my house. Slow drive by; checking things out - at a time when anyone would know I wasn't home. They made a point of making sure that he saw them see him, then called me. And me not even sure the house was properly locked.

So I told my boss what was going on and ran home. Checked everything out, put the dogs in and secured all the locks. Then I got clever. Called the police and filed a suspicious activity report. Gave them a description of X and his car. Went to my daughter's school and gave the descriptions to the principal. Called the boys to let them know to keep their eyes open.

When I picked up the Girl, I told her what was going on and she informed me that she's been watching for him for a couple weeks. Just had a feeling.

At which point I went into denial and tried to tell her that maybe he was just passing through town and thought he'd check out the neighborhood. Mind you our town is off all beaten paths. No one just "passes through". Same is true for my street. You're only here if you have a reason to be.

And my dear girl said "No Mom. That's not what's happening. He's going to come to see you." That's what you get for trying to teach kids to buck up to reality. (whop there goes gravity!)

Well, the neighborhood, the school and many coworkers are on alert and will let me know if they see anything. And Girl and I have a plan in case he does show up.

I told her that I'd rather overreact and look like a fool than underestimate the guy.

I'm surprisingly unafraid. I've been preparing emotionally for this for 2 years. Just in case. And to break the programs, habits and emotional blindspots that made me vulnerable to a guy like that in the first place.

Big Irish asthmatic sigh. Bed time. Peace out.

 

[Ruth]

If you have a legitimate reason, can't you get a restraining order against your 'ex'?

I mean, I don't much know much about legal systems over there, but, I reccon it pays to be 'smart'. But pays 'more' to be 'smarter?. If there's anything that you could use, or call in favours for, now, is the time.

From my experience psychopaths, are pretty easily intimidated, all it is is is 'lets play games of 'pretend''. And psychopaths aren't really familiar with the unexpected... It tends to really 'throw' them.

 

[doormouse]

Where we are, a restraining order is not an option at this point Ruth. If I had saved messages left on my answering machine and letters shoved in my car windows 2 years ago and provided them as evidence, yes, I could have gotten a restraining order then. And that would have helped me out legally now, but alas, I destroyed all evidence of the guy in my life.

I shouldn't actually call X a "psychopath" becuase I'm not qualified to make a clinical diagnosis. However, he certainly seems to fit the criteria. Prior to reading Ponerology I would have said definitely. Whatever he is, he definitely is not "normal" and presents a powerful impression of being dangerous. It could be that the only real power he has is what he gets from his victims fear. Could that impression merely be crafted to generate fear?

Have you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker? He talks - and I'm paraphrasing badly - about the idea that our fear receptors are broken by the culture we live in and that we don't know how to respond to real fear. I think that's a part of what many of us are trying to accomplish with our work on ourselves. Learning how to know what our fear is telling us and being able to respond correctly. I think DeBecker would say that I definitley need to be prepared for real danger.

Responding to your post though made me think, I need to find the post on vampire archetypes(?). I might be overlooking an important piece in terms of doing the unexpected.

Thank you Ruth.

 

[doormouse]

OK I'm having an out of mind experience. In the past month, I've read an article abuot vampire archetypes. I would swear Laura wrote it. Can't imagine where else I might have found it if not here. And now I can't find it.

Suggestions? Help. A link?

 

[Yossarian]

Doormouse,

Where I live, one does NOT need ANY evidence of ANY TYPE to get a restraining order. All you have to be able to do is certify that you experience a threat to your safety--that you are afraid for your safety. You can provide a reason, but you don't have to--as long as you really are afraid--that's the key--IT's Entirely Subjective. NO PROOF is NEEDED OF ANY KIND.

One doesn't have to think about it too long to figure out why. If one needed to get evidence to have a restraining order--then the order of the day would be arrest--not restraint. The system knows that most stalker types are too smart to leave any evidence until they've hurt somebody--and then it's too late--hence the restraining order. Violating the restraining order IS CAUSE FOR ARREST.

One does not need a lawyer to get a restraining order. It's a very simple procedure. Let your fingers do the walking. One goes to the appropriate office, and fills out the appropriate form. The only hitch in your case, is that you need an address for the person, so that the person can be served with the restraining order. Usually there is a fee, like $25.

One would need witnesses of violation of the order to have a person arrested for violating the order.

 

[Beau]

OK I'm having an out of mind experience. In the past month, I've read an article abuot vampire archetypes. I would swear Laura wrote it. Can't imagine where else I might have found it if not here. And now I can't find it.

Suggestions? Help. A link?

Alien Abduction, Demonic Possession, and The Legend of The Vampire

That's all that came to mind for me. Good luck :)

 

[doormouse]

Beau: Thanks bunches. It's not what I was looking, but it is a good article. I'm thinking I dreamed it. Son 1 was talking about it the other day and I kept saying "I just read that somewhere" and quoted segments. Did an exhaustive Internet seach today and found nothing except a book that I think Son 1 is giving me for Christmas. Go figger.

Yossarian: I researched local statute today and getting a restraining order is not as easy here as Georgia; but not as difficult as I thought. The situation clearly falls under "stalking" within our criminal code though. So I'm sure I could take some action. I'm hesitant to do so though. I'm sure DeBecker says that ROs do very little good and can actually cause the situation to escallate. Someone who does not respect your wishes to be left alone is not going to be hampered by a piece of paper, and someone who is bordering between scary and truly dangerous could feel antagonized and decide he was "pushed" across the line.

Of course, I can't find DeBecker either. I think Son 1 took it home with him.

I have a friend who is affiliated with local law enforcement and he agreed that getting the RO might not be a good idea. So I'm going to let that one ride for now. The key is to be mentally and emotionally prepared for a confrontation, but to not let fear interfere with my life. Stay alert and pay attention.

That's probably just good advice any day.

Oh and apologies for not quoting the comments I'm responding to. How do you do that?

 

[noise]

http://glossary.cassiopaea.com/glossary.php?id=855&lsel=V -Vampires- from the Glossary?

It's the only thing I knew of.. yes, thanks for the link beau! Guess I'll get to (eating) reading.. if I don't soon I may need another plate. :)

(hours later)Edit: That article so owned. Wow, it sounds like the new book I'm just getting into is gonna be giving me the left right combo on my concepts of reality (High Strangeness). Woot!

 

[shellycheval]

Doormouse wrote:
I researched local statute today and getting a restraining order is not as easy here as Georgia; but not as difficult as I thought. The situation clearly falls under "stalking" within our criminal code though. So I'm sure I could take some action. I'm hesitant to do so though. I'm sure DeBecker says that ROs do very little good and can actually cause the situation to escallate. Someone who does not respect your wishes to be left alone is not going to be hampered by a piece of paper, and someone who is bordering between scary and truly dangerous could feel antagonized and decide he was "pushed" across the line.

Of course, I can't find DeBecker either. I think Son 1 took it home with him.

Hello Dormouse—earlier this year I also ended a relationship with a man with behaviors consistent with psychopathy so I empathize with your situation. I found DeBecker to be an excellent source, but consider Lundy Bancroft’s book titled “Why Does He Do That?" to be the most complete and best source of information on surviving a relationship with an abusive, controlling, predatory man.

Bancroft agrees with DeBecker that in many cases getting a restraining order creates a challenge and instigates control issues with the victimizer. “Why Does He Do That?" also has a long section with many suggestions and strategies on avoiding conflict with the psycho ex. I highly recommend it to anyone, female or male, who has lived with any type of psychopath.

Good Luck to you—it is a lonely place to be unless you have others close who have shared a similar experience.
shellycheval

 

[Nienna]

Oh and apologies for not quoting the comments I'm responding to. How do you do that?

Go to the bottom of this page and you'll see in the "Quick post" section, on the bottom left there's a link to BBCode. Click on that and it will give you all the details on how to do quotes, bold, colors, etc. ;)

 

[Ruth]

Have you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker? He talks - and I'm paraphrasing badly - about the idea that our fear receptors are broken by the culture we live in and that we don't know how to respond to real fear. I think that's a part of what many of us are trying to accomplish with our work on ourselves. Learning how to know what our fear is telling us and being able to respond correctly. I think DeBecker would say that I definitley need to be prepared for real danger.

Responding to your post though made me think, I need to find the post on vampire archetypes(?). I might be overlooking an important piece in terms of doing the unexpected.

Fear is also a power that these 'types' have over other people. Its based on fear of the unknown. They know that, and use it - to good effect. This is to control people. The thing is, it only works with some people. Those that see through them (or don't believe their lies) tend to avoid them as much as possible and put themselves in a situation where, to the psychopath, getting their energy 'feed' is all too much trouble. They do tend to want a 'quick and easy fix' from their 'prey', afterall. They tend to be both cowards and bullies who are after fear both as a reaction and a means of control.

So, what to do? It certainly isn't at all simple to change your frequency vibrations so much that this person will wonder what the hell they are doing 'pursuing' you, simply because you have chosen to make yourself energetically unavailable to them. To do that you need a good understanding of what sort of person he is and why he picked on you in the first place.

From my experience the bully type relys on fear to control and isolation of his victim in order to fool the rest of the world that he's really a 'good' person. This means that if you share your problem, or the more people know about this man and his character, the more protection you have. Bullys can't stand humiliation and they always aim to maintain the perfect 'mask'. The more people who know about his treachery, the less power he has. So, aim to share this problem as much as possible. Oh, and keep all the evidence of his wrongdoings too and share them too, he won't be able to stand that either.

I'm wondering, as an aside, how many of these 'types' actually chose women who run the 'be nice' programs or 'I'm the perfect little angel' programs? I'm thinking that it might be a lot. Would they have the same 'luck' with women who are assertive ('strong') and publicly reviled them? I'm not sure they would bother, its too hard to steal energy off people like that. Trouble is its often difficult to turn off years of programing and manipulation in order to make oneself enegetically unavailable to these 'types' for any length of time.

Anyway, its worth having a think about the kind of dynamics at play here, both within yourself and outside. And seeing if you can change them to be more in favour of a situation that you want.

 

[doormouse]

Lynne. Thank you for the instructions on how to quote!

I found DeBecker to be an excellent source, but consider Lundy Bancroft's book titled "Why Does He Do That?" to be the most complete and best source of information on surviving a relationship with an abusive, controlling, predatory man.

Thank you. I'll pick up the Bancroft book this weekend. One can never have too many weapons in one's arsenal.

it is a lonely place to be unless you have others close who have shared a similar experience.

Yes it is. That's one reason I finally joined the Signs Forum. You read all these books and articles, you have all these thoughts, and no one to discuss them with. My oldest son is the only person I know that I can have a marginally intelligent conversation with. Till now.

In an unrelated post,

when it comes down to it, in many ways we are all alone.

and this is true. It’s true when you're in a abusive relationship (or dealing with a stalker); and it’s really true when you can find no one around you sees the world the way you do. But humans are social creatures and no matter how self sufficient we become, sometimes it's really nice to have someone say "I hear you", and know that they mean it. And how do we know we’re not still lost in the mirror if we don’t have someone to tell us that what we just said was totally narcissistic or made no sense?

It certainly isn't at all simple to change your frequency vibrations so much that this person will wonder what the hell they are doing 'pursuing' you, simply because you have chosen to make yourself energetically unavailable to them. To do that you need a good understanding of what sort of person he is and why he picked on you in the first place.

Spot on. You also need a good understanding of who you are and what vibe you are putting out that's attracting him. Wouldn't a vibration change be a natural by-product of trying to wake up?

Self knowledge gives us a lot of power. I've done a lot of work the past two years. I hope to think it's finally showing some results; however, banking on that.

I'm wondering, as an aside, how many of these 'types' actually chose women who run the 'be nice' programs or 'I'm the perfect little angel' programs? I'm thinking that it might be a lot. Would they have the same 'luck' with women who are assertive ('strong') and publicly reviled them? I'm not sure they would bother, its too hard to steal energy off people like that. Trouble is its often difficult to turn off years of programming and manipulation in order to make oneself energetically unavailable to these 'types' for any length of time.

IMHO the "be nice" and "perfect angel" programs make us prime victims. When our alarms go off and tell us "this guy's evil! Run!", the "be nice" program kicks in and we think "oh I'm being so mean and judgmental. I don't have any evidence, just a feeling." And of course Daddy's perfect angel knows how to turn that feeling off because "it's not nice."

As for the strong women: at work, I am one of the strong women. But the predator types we are talking about see right through that. If not directly, they know how to poke and prod to find the chink in our armor.
Then they flip the switch on our "nice girl" program and the game is on.

I’ve been doing some hard wrestling with programs in a separate thread “Real Human Emotions" . It’s been a very informative exercise, because every program I unravel reveals yet another program. But understanding your programs, and recognizing the emotional reactions that trigger them goes a long way to being able to recognize when one has kicked in and then “trying" to do something other than just letting it run.

It seems I do the most emotional harm to my family when I’m running some variation of “Nobody Loves Me. Ironic, huh? When I need emotional support or validation the most, I attack the people who would most like to help me.

And an update on X:

Long story short (I know-it's way to late for that): It turns out that X comes to town 2-3 times a year and spends a few days hanging out with a coworker of mine. Goes to see "friends" in surrounding towns. Just hangs out collecting unemployment. Hmm.

This information cleared up one thing for me. 2-3 times a year I get the creepy feeling that X is in town and he's watching me. Apparently I'm not totally paranoid. My spider sense does indeed detect his presence.

It also raises some questions. According to X when we were together, X "hates and despises" D - the coworker. D is a single dad and X hates kids in general and especially teen boys.
Also, X has no friends. Acquaintances who he swears he despises, ex-partners in crime, but no real friends. He has quite a few of these "acquaintances" all over this part of the country. Double Hmm.
And he was able to stay at a job long enough, earn enough money to collect enough unemployment that he can afford to not work and to run all over the country-side? D might be that naïve, but I’m not.

At this point my brain broke down and said "STOP!" This apparently has been going on for 2 years. He's never done anything more threatening than drive past my house; and it hit me: he's getting exactly what he wants. Space in my head and emotional energy because I'm running around going Ooh ooh I'm so worried. Ooh ooh what's he up to.
Y'know what gang - the guy ain't worth my energy. He blows through town, "works a few deals", then cruises past my house to see if I've cleaned my yard yet. And no, I have not cleaned my yard. I have better things to do with my time.

Big Hugs Ladies. I'm going to go do my Sudoko. :) :)