Speaking to Myself

[Oxajil]

Hi all,

So lately I've been using a certain technique, and I've been observing if it works etc. and imo, to me, it's been a great helpful tool. Perhaps it will for you too. But I think in order to be able to do this, you need to have some kind of an open emotional center. You'd also need some knowledge and experience with Working on yourself.

Using this technique I've been able to go from:

- depressed to > hopeful
- feeling tired to > feeling energetic
- lazy to > doing something
- being fearful to do something to > doing it
- feeling pain to > no pain
(in a very short time, in a few hours/in one day/in a few days!)

And overall I've been able to recognize and express my feelings in a way, that for me at/for the moment, is the most comfortable way.

Just as the illusion has many layers, so do our feelings. All kinds of influences from outside (and/or inside) may decide how we feel. So if you want to know why you're feeling the way you're feeling, you should, in my opinion, start peeling that onion. Now how do I do this?

Usually I would assume to know where the feeling comes from and ignore it:

For example: I'm angry because I probably have some ego problems. I would just probably stay in that situation until I felt differently. Usually I would ignore or suppress certain feelings and/or thoughts. It worked sometimes, but it was a slow and difficult way. It was a rough battle, ...many times losing.

Now I've found a fun and less difficult way:

Talking to myself! Just as you can "step out of yourself and observe yourself" (your observing I, you could say), you can also step out of yourself and support yourself. Giving advices to yourself, giving yourself inspiration, giving strength to yourself, helping you with recognizing that what you need can usually be found in yourself. And so on.

Example:

You go to work and just before leaving one of your colleagues misunderstands something and gets angry at you, blames you for something you did not do. After work, you come home feeling angry, and maybe sad, because you don't like people screaming at you. All kinds of thoughts, emotions, I's might pop up. One strong I tells you: "He has no right to scream at me like that, I should confront him the same way tomorrow and tell him that I don't accept that kind of attitude! I should fight back. Making a fool out of myself, how dare he? With no proof at all, he just needed someone to blame."

Now how would you deal with that I? Would you ignore it, suppress it? Not listen to it? Put your attention to somewhere else? Maybe you'd say "shut up, that's not what I want" or "stop!". Well for me that's the hard way.

This is how I view it: Every I is a part of you. To ignore or to suppress it, would be ignoring or suppressing a part of yourself. Apparently this I feels a certain way, and you ignore that feeling, for your own reasons. How would you feel if you were expressing your feelings and thoughts and someone said to you: "Shut up!" or "Stop!" or "Go away, I don't want to hear that!"? Would you not "lose respect" for that certain person? Do you think that part of yourself respects you or cares about what you have to say to him/her?

So that I fights back and you fight that I, telling Her/Him to go away! How you act the next day is something I wouldn't be able to tell, but if you haven't dealt with that certain feeling directly, I think that it is still hiding somewhere.

So how can you deal with that feeling directly?

You start a conversation with yourself:
A: Hey, why are you feeling angry?
B: Then you say something like (as it comes natural to you) "I don't know, he was so mean to me, screaming at me like that. I didn't do anything wrong! I want to pay him back!"
A: I understand the way you feel, but how do you think paying back will help, wouldn't it feed your ego, and do nothing else?
B: "Maybe you are right, but it's so unfair!!"
A: I know, it is unfair, but you know what's important? That you know who is right. That you know you did Nothing wrong. And by the way, you could make something clear without having to scream at him and being all angry. You could share this on the forum, see what others think you could do? I don't think you did anything wrong, and I'm sure you will be okay. etc... Do you feel a bit better now?

And so on... You can deal with any of your emotions, for example also the sad one, asking yourself why you feel sad etc.
Basically being your own parent, God, guide, coach, Jesus however you want to call it!

This way you have dealt with that anger feeling, asking it where it thinks the anger comes from, and why it thinks it's angry, telling it you understand, and explaining to it in a respectful way that there is no need to be angry etc.

I've done this in my own life. And the results are amazing! I also feel more conscious and somehow feel like my different I's listen more to what my Work-I has to say to them. In other words: the battles have become less difficult and are more "peaceful".
So this way I deal with my emotions directly, giving each part its due to speak up, to myself.

You could deal with your emotions that are clear on the surface, and EE helps with that too, and EE is also great for dealing with the underlying emotions you can't see yet. I went through something that I thought would upset me, but it didn't, however when I did EE, that sad feeling came up and showed itself and I dealt with it.

If you have fears, for example, asking someone out, talking to people, raising your hand to ask a question, doing a presentation etc. talk with yourself about those fears, and tell yourself that there is nothing to be afraid of, that they will be loving your question, they will love the presentation and they would love you asking them out! (of course in a way you know you're kind of lying to yourself, but if you have faith in the coaching it will help you get over those fears). I told myself "I'm God you know, I can see more than you can, and I know they're gonna love it! You should do it, follow your heart, what if you die tomorrow, wouldn't you be sad that you didn't do what you want to do? You can do it! It'll be a learning experience." This repeating actually helped me a lot! I did what I wanted to do, but I realised that it didn't go the way that "God" said it would go, but I was so proud of myself doing it! I thanked that part of me who coached me, and the more I practice this, going against my fears, the less I would probably need the coaching. So it's basically giving yourself that push you need :D

I still have a very long road to go, and certainly have to Work a lot on myself!

If a "you're stupid for doing this"- I comes up, you can start with that one. I still think journaling is a great way too (for the bigger picture), but this has been of great help as well (more directly).

I share this, because Maybe it will work for some of you too, I don't know. I also would like to know your thoughts about this, do you think I'm dealing with it alright?

 

[Ollie]

Example:

You go to work and just before leaving one of your colleagues misunderstands something and gets angry at you, blames you for something you did not do. After work, you come home feeling angry, and maybe sad, because you don't like people screaming at you. All kinds of thoughts, emotions, I's might pop up. One strong I tells you: "He has no right to scream at me like that, I should confront him the same way tomorrow and tell him that I don't accept that kind of attitude! I should fight back. Making a fool out of myself, how dare he? With no proof at all, he just needed someone to blame."

Now how would you deal with that I? Would you ignore it, suppress it? Not listen to it? Put your attention to somewhere else? Maybe you'd say "shut up, that's not what I want" or "stop!". Well for me that's the hard way.

This is how I view it: Every I is a part of you. To ignore or to suppress it, would be ignoring or suppressing a part of yourself. Apparently this I feels a certain way, and you ignore that feeling, for your own reasons. How would you feel if you were expressing your feelings and thoughts and someone said to you: "Shut up!" or "Stop!" or "Go away, I don't want to hear that!"? Would you not "lose respect" for that certain person? Do you think that part of yourself respects you or cares about what you have to say to him/her?

So that I fights back and you fight that I, telling Her/Him to go away! How you act the next day is something I wouldn't be able to tell, but if you haven't dealt with that certain feeling directly, I think that it is still hiding somewhere.

So how can you deal with that feeling directly?

You start a conversation with yourself:
A: Hey, why are you feeling angry?
B: Then you say something like (as it comes natural to you) "I don't know, he was so mean to me, screaming at me like that. I didn't do anything wrong! I want to pay him back!"
A: I understand the way you feel, but how do you think paying back will help, wouldn't it feed your ego, and do nothing else?
B: "Maybe you are right, but it's so unfair!!"
A: I know, it is unfair, but you know what's important? That you know who is right. That you know you did Nothing wrong. And by the way, you could make something clear without having to scream at him and being all angry. You could share this on the forum, see what others think you could do? I don't think you did anything wrong, and I'm sure you will be okay. etc... Do you feel a bit better now?

And so on... You can deal with any of your emotions, for example also the sad one, asking yourself why you feel sad etc.
Basically being your own parent, God, guide, coach, Jesus however you want to call it!

This way you have dealt with that anger feeling, asking it where it thinks the anger comes from, and why it thinks it's angry, telling it you understand, and explaining to it in a respectful way that there is no need to be angry etc.

I've done this in my own life. And the results are amazing! I also feel more conscious and somehow feel like my different I's listen more to what my Work-I has to say to them. In other words: the battles have become less difficult and are more "peaceful".
So this way I deal with my emotions directly, giving each part its due to speak up, to myself.

The technique you give above is similar to working with Transactional Analysis. You move from the negative introject (a Part-I, in TA possibly Child or Parent Tape (internal dialogue - talking to yourself) into Adult mode, which is rational, objective and devoid of emotion, to move away from the negative, subjective, inner talking to yourself.

 

[Oxajil]

The technique you give above is similar to working with Transactional Analysis. You move from the negative introject (a Part-I, in TA possibly Child or Parent Tape (internal dialogue - talking to yourself) into Adult mode, which is rational, objective and devoid of emotion, to move away from the negative, subjective, inner talking to yourself.

Interesting! It kinda feels like switching between the "negative introject" and the "adult", at the same time having the "adult" supervising the conversation, making sure it goes well.

 

[Bo]

If a "you're stupid for doing this"

Not at all, I have been using a similair technique since childhood and it's definitely effective, this was mostly effective when I was very emotional. I usually use this kind of technique when I am confused about certain situations or need a suggestion, sometimes it can be quite fruitfull to discuss things with oneself.(mostly its things you already know, but its like a pat on the back)

There are couple of things that you would have to keep in mind using techniques like this.

Don't become dependant on them, remember that the best tool is still a group that can give you objective feedback, as i said , this technique is very effective when you are emotional as it helps you to clear your mind and calms you down, that's the most times it helped me best.

 

[anart]

Don't become dependant on them, remember that the best tool is still a group that can give you objective feedback, as i said , this technique is very effective when you are emotional as it helps you to clear your mind and calms you down, that's the most times it helped me best.

Yes, these are good things to remember. Also remember that what you tell yourself is not always objective - it can be programs running or an internal 'negative feedback loop' of sorts - or even emotional buffering that releases the heat that could be utilized to actually fuel a permanent change in oneself (and makes you feel temporarily 'better') .
This thread might be helpful as well, as it discusses internal dialogue.

 

[Oxajil]

Don't become dependant on them, remember that the best tool is still a group that can give you objective feedback, as i said , this technique is very effective when you are emotional as it helps you to clear your mind and calms you down, that's the most times it helped me best.

Yes, these are good things to remember. Also remember that what you tell yourself is not always objective - it can be programs running or an internal 'negative feedback loop' of sorts - or even emotional buffering that releases the heat that could be utilized to actually fuel a permanent change in oneself (and makes you feel temporarily 'better') .
This thread might be helpful as well, as it discusses internal dialogue.

I see, will check that out, thanks!

 

[Gertrudes]

Hi Oxajil,

Thank you for mentioning your technique. I have tried what I believe to be something very similar, and it was also one of the tools used during the course of my therapy. I found that it was very useful to mainly become aware of how I actually talk to myself, since we all tend to have an inner dialogue of some sort. It was shocking to realize the harshness of my inner dialogue.

I think that it can indeed be a useful tool, but Bo and Anart mentioned very valid points. The I that speaks may be following an inner program.

What I noticed is that similar to an onion, I would find layers and layers of I's. I started with this adult that would speak with my inner child. After a while I began to notice a pattern, and I realized that the adult is not the voice of reason, but actually the dark side of some inner parent. Then I found a third adult to mediate the conversation, and the process started again. The third adult began to show traits that resembled some negative authoritative figure that I had absorbed in my life.
I think that as I peeled, I would get closer to what the real me wanted to say, but I did find some unexpected characters showing up from inside me, and found that even the I that seemed initially so reasonable could eventually show an ugly face.

I would say that observing the I that speaks can be a very interesting tool for self discovering.

Thank you also for pointing out that thread Anart, will check it out as well.

 

[Meager1]

And what if some of these supposed " I`s " are actually nothing more then a chemical response activated by a real or artificial stimuli, having little or nothing to do with us but with an outside system/force, simply acting on us, in the moment?

For instance, I noticed this sort of effect while watching movies with sad scenes that made me cry, no matter how many times I watched the movie, the emotional response was always the same.

So, I tried to observe myself at those times and during ( the exact moment ) that was acting as the trigger of this predictable emotional response over and over again.

I found that it was not (me), simply being over emotional and such a sap, that the same sad scene could automatically get me going.

I was able to first identify the "set up" in the movie and then the trigger that caused the chemical reaction, that activated the emotional response. So I watched the movie a couple more times with this in mind and at the critical point ( you can actually feel this ) where the emotion was about to be triggered, just asked myself if I was going to fall for this "artificial stimuli" again? And I didn`t, instead I felt it actually dissipate in a sort of pleasant gentle wave, throughout my body.

It most likely never was an "I" that was such a sap, or that fell for this "artificial" chemical triggering of emotion, though I sure thought it was me!

And if a movie, that is not even real..can have this effect, then how many other times/places are we falling for a chemical reaction of some kind, or even a response to a "real" stimuli for that matter and assuming this is an "I" reacting?


Maybe I am not as much of an emotional wreck as I thought I was.

Maybe I just was an easy mark for a quick predictable chemical response, which is actually a great thing for the movie industry!

 

[Menna]

Personally whenever I find myself talking/singing to myself I am in a very happy mood or excited about something...In a recent thread someone said that when they talk aloud to themselves calming down their inner child whenever they are scared or nerviouse they feel that it works. I used this technique recently and felt a calming sensation. Seems to work.