Taking care of oneself

[flycat]

Hi there!

There is a behaviour that has recently surfaced with my wife. She has a problem taking care of herself. She has back problems, tiredness, and is a bit overweight. I have recommended to her to become active in a regimen of ligt excersize or maybe yoga to help her be healthier. But she is refusing to do anyhting to help herself.

She says she is tired, yet stays awake up to 2 or 3 am for no good reason. When I say to her that she should get to sleep earlier, she verbally agrees, but keeps doing the same thing.

When I offer to watch after the son while she trains, she says she cant. But she can sit and watch sitcoms for hours. I have a feeling some program is running here, and dont know how to help her. She even resents me for working out. She said so. I told her that if you cant take care of oneself, how are you supposed to take care of others?

I love her very much and hate to see her suffer from pain and lowered mobility, but cant seem to find a way to help her understand that she has to take care of her body if it is to function properly. It is a self destructive behaviour in her.

Any ideas?

 

[3DStudent]

Have you looked at the Diet and Health board? Cutting out gluten, dairy, and sugar is a start. However, she doesn't sound like she wants to change her ways from what you wrote in your post. We shouldn't force people to change, and sometimes this involves suffering on both sides.

 

[Horseofadifferentcolor]

Get rid of every T.V. in the household. My husband about fainted when I said I had given away our flat screen a few years ago. Even though it would be going in a different room I could not stand the hum. I have never owned a T.V. except after we first married. Now he does not know why he ever wasted so much time.
It truly is amazing how much can be done in a day without a boob tube blaring lies in your ears for hours at a time. It is truly a toxic habit.

Keep up working out and staying healthy through diet. Lead by example and if that's not enough, you can not force someone to be something they are not. I know their is more to it and I am sure others will have more helpful things to say. But, if it was me I would start with healthy meals and get rid of that T.V.

 

[flycat]

Have you looked at the Diet and Health board? Cutting out gluten, dairy, and sugar is a start. However, she doesn't sound like she wants to change her ways from what you wrote in your post. We shouldn't force people to change, and sometimes this involves suffering on both sides.

Yes, I have taken a look. It looks good, to be able to feel better, it seems a good idea to cut that out of the food.

I have taken steps in that direction, although it is a long way to go yet. I bought a bread maker, because buying bread with additives made me feel sick and bloated, and same symptoms arose in my wife. Now I know exactly what goes into the bread we eat, and it tastes so much better, this one actually has the taste and smell of a freshly baked bread. Next thing will be trying to find good gluten free flour mixes. So it is a move in good direction, I hope. These days the list of additives in food is mostly longer then the list of actual food ingredients!

As for sugar, what is a good sweetener that isnt harmful? I heard conflicting things about sucralose, so what is true? Mind you, my wife had been using aspartame based artificial sweeteners at least 3 to 4 times a day in coffe, so it was a struggle to make the switch to sugar, which, I believe, is a lesser of two evils.

As for dairy, that is something we are both working on, and I have to admit, that one will be a bit tougher :)

I am trying to encourage her to change, not force her. Forcing leads nowhere, that is clear. You see, she is suffering, and I do not want her to suffer when she can be healthy and live a much better life without pain or other issues. The knowledge how is right here, and it is truly absymal not to apply it to live a better life.

She has a mother with the same tendencies not to take care of herself, but take care of others instead, even if it means she literally drops dead. I can see where my wife picked up that unhealthy way of thinking, and feeling guilty of taking care of herself. The worse thing is that we are living with her mother, so that negative behaviour gets reinforced all the time. She told me that (wife) she feels guilty if she does something for herself. It is leading her to self destruction, and I really can not see a point in such twisted rationale.

We have a son, and I asked her does she want to be around for him when he grows older? Because, the way things are going now, the body can take only so much abuse. Im affraid for her.

 

[flycat]

Get rid of every T.V. in the household. My husband about fainted when I said I had given away our flat screen a few years ago. Even though it would be going in a different room I could not stand the hum. I have never owned a T.V. except after we first married. Now he does not know why he ever wasted so much time.
It truly is amazing how much can be done in a day without a boob tube blaring lies in your ears for hours at a time. It is truly a toxic habit.

Keep up working out and staying healthy through diet. Lead by example and if that's not enough, you can not force someone to be something they are not. I know their is more to it and I am sure others will have more helpful things to say. But, if it was me I would start with healthy meals and get rid of that T.V.

Haha, you got me laughing there! Boob tube :D Thats hilarious!
It would be a good idea, but I am affraid it wouldnt fly too well with her. I hardly got sucessfull to make her turn off the one in the bedroom. It is a tough habit to break, but, it can be hypnotic, so it is a good suggestion to remove those things as much as possible.

I am working out, and will keep up, because without it my health deteriorates over time. I have made an error to neglect it before, but will not, or rather, will do my best not to let it happen again. I am currently doing weights training in a gym, cardio - running, walking, biking outside, and hatha yoga at home.

Leading by example, that is interesting. Let me explain. First, I tried to explain the benefits of excersize by words, then I had just done it. Now, the better I look and the better I feel, she is getting only more irrational towards me. She says I only take care of myself. To that I say that I will watch the son, and she can go out for a few hours to train, relax, whatever, but then it is either blank stare with no response, or saying “I cant do that, what kind of person would do that“.

So she is destroying herself bit by bit, and wants to make me guilty for taking care of myself. I am not buying into that, however, it is very hard to see a person I love very much destroying herself with a vengenance. And trying to convince all others around her to behave like that.

She lives on cigarettes and coffe, mostly. Eats once or twice per day. So I pray sometimes that I can have the wisdom to do something to help her. I believe a lot of that stems from her parents. They are not bad people, however they are very primitive and instinctual (very little to no constructive thinking, authoritarian followers really) and that influence shows heavily in my wifes thinking. She is not stupid, she is very bright, and beautiful. Sometimes I cringe thinking about it all, but what can i do?

 

[Jono]

[quote author=flycat]

As for sugar, what is a good sweetener that isnt harmful? I heard conflicting things about sucralose, so what is true? Mind you, my wife had been using aspartame based artificial sweeteners at least 3 to 4 times a day in coffe, so it was a struggle to make the switch to sugar, which, I believe, is a lesser of two evils.

[/quote]

Xylitol or liquid Stevia are recommended, if tolerated. They're both natural, however Stevia can leave a bitter aftertaste in the mouth's of some.

[quote author=flycat]

I am trying to encourage her to change, not force her. Forcing leads nowhere, that is clear. You see, she is suffering, and I do not want her to suffer when she can be healthy and live a much better life without pain or other issues. The knowledge how is right here, and it is truly absymal not to apply it to live a better life.

[/quote]

I've been through the same issues with my family and it's good that you're not trying to force anything.

One of the best steps you can take is setting an example with your own diet, and getting the knowledge to answer questions in case your wife becomes interested.

Best of luck Flycat :)

 

[Alada]

Leading by example, that is interesting. Let me explain. First, I tried to explain the benefits of excersize by words, then I had just done it. Now, the better I look and the better I feel, she is getting only more irrational towards me. She says I only take care of myself. To that I say that I will watch the son, and she can go out for a few hours to train, relax, whatever, but then it is either blank stare with no response, or saying “I cant do that, what kind of person would do that“.

So she is destroying herself bit by bit, and wants to make me guilty for taking care of myself. I am not buying into that, however, it is very hard to see a person I love very much destroying herself with a vengenance. And trying to convince all others around her to behave like that.

Well just talking about it and instructing her to do such and such is probably not going to have any effect other than to irritate her.

Your wife obviously seems stressed, fatigued and generally unhappy so my question would be what could you do for her to help balance that? Start from there, supporting your wife in each and every way you can, then perhaps she might feel more inclined to come out of her present state and begin change things. One cannot feel loved, nurtured and supported by simply being instructed that it is so, it has to be shown by example.

Maybe make for yourself a list of things that you do for the benefit of your wife, ways that you give her your love, help and support – actual things, not theoretical examples, not talk or ‘advice’.

Then make a list of things you do only for yourself and your own benefit. Now compare the two.

Which is the longer list? Which was easier/quicker to write? Does it tell you anything about how you divide and spend your time? For example. Say you spend an hour working out, three times a week. What do you spend three hours every week doing for your wife?

 

[flycat]

[quote author=flycat]

As for sugar, what is a good sweetener that isnt harmful? I heard conflicting things about sucralose, so what is true? Mind you, my wife had been using aspartame based artificial sweeteners at least 3 to 4 times a day in coffe, so it was a struggle to make the switch to sugar, which, I believe, is a lesser of two evils.

Xylitol or liquid Stevia are recommended, if tolerated. They're both natural, however Stevia can leave a bitter aftertaste in the mouth's of some.

[quote author=flycat]

I am trying to encourage her to change, not force her. Forcing leads nowhere, that is clear. You see, she is suffering, and I do not want her to suffer when she can be healthy and live a much better life without pain or other issues. The knowledge how is right here, and it is truly absymal not to apply it to live a better life.

[/quote]

I've been through the same issues with my family and it's good that you're not trying to force anything.

One of the best steps you can take is setting an example with your own diet, and getting the knowledge to answer questions in case your wife becomes interested.

Best of luck Flycat :)
[/quote]

Where can tose sweeteners be bought to try them out?

I will try to lead by example, but this is a hard one. Not much options left but to keep at it, I guess.

Thanks for your input, and everyone elses as well.

 

[Jono]

I get my Xylitol from Amazon.

_http://www.amazon.co.uk/Total-Sweet-1kg/dp/B006MW23Q4/ref=pd_sim_grocery_4

 

[flycat]

Well just talking about it and instructing her to do such and such is probably not going to have any effect other than to irritate her.

Your wife obviously seems stressed, fatigued and generally unhappy so my question would be what could you do for her to help balance that? Start from there, supporting your wife in each and every way you can, then perhaps she might feel more inclined to come out of her present state and begin change things. One cannot feel loved, nurtured and supported by simply being instructed that it is so, it has to be shown by example.

Maybe make for yourself a list of things that you do for the benefit of your wife, ways that you give her your love, help and support – actual things, not theoretical examples, not talk or ‘advice’.

Then make a list of things you do only for yourself and your own benefit. Now compare the two.

Which is the longer list? Which was easier/quicker to write? Does it tell you anything about how you divide and spend your time? For example. Say you spend an hour working out, three times a week. What do you spend three hours every week doing for your wife?

I am leading by example, and trying to make her see that. But for that to work a person must be willing to try something new. I support her as much as I can, I cook, make bread, go shopping, take care of the little one, work in the garden, work on the house, and support her financially as much as posibble.

Regarding practical things vs advice.

 

[flycat]

I must continue writing in a new post, because this phone cant handle all that text. As I was saying, practical - what is practical? I can help her physicaly with things I can and do help her with, but I cant help her with actual training, getting off the couch and moving if she doesnt do it herself.

I am not her, and what can I do that is practical and not just advice or words, regarding getting healthy and fit, as you said it? Am I to lift her and run with her on my back around the neighbourhood? This is a real and open question, since I cant seem to understand what did you mean by practical. Because she is the one who can put my advice and words, my knowledge on the subject, she can put it into action for herself. I cant do it. Nobody else cant if she wont.

I did make a list, and while I am far from perfect, I spend at least the same amount of time working on things that mean a lot to her, and helping her, as the time spent on solely my causes. One of which is trying to do the Work to the best of my ability.

And keep in account that my day job takes a lot out of me because I work 50 to 60 hrs a week, even as I am paid for 40. I was lied to from the side of my employer, but now there is no choice but to work it, because of her and the kid. They have to have some kind of a decent living, and I will make sure they get it as long as I live. If it were for me only, current employer would get the stick with no pardon a long long time ago, but that is for another thread.

 

[Oxajil]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation flycat. From what you wrote, there seems to be a disconnect between what she says and what she does. She says she feels guilty if she'd take care of herself, and you say that instead of doing that she mostly takes care of others. But this last part isn't really clear from what you wrote. For example, I can't see how watching TV that much is really helping anybody. So what I'm wondering is, is there anything that she does well and does help with in the house? I also wonder how her mother responds to all of this. Is she trying to help her daughter in some ways or is she not bothered by it? I also wonder if your wife has been like this since you met her, or did she change at some point? Maybe when you moved in with her mother? Just a thought.

I'd also like to mention that I think you're doing well with taking care of yourself, as that hopefully will be a good example for your son.

 

[flycat]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation flycat. From what you wrote, there seems to be a disconnect between what she says and what she does. She says she feels guilty if she'd take care of herself, and you say that instead of doing that she mostly takes care of others. But this last part isn't really clear from what you wrote. For example, I can't see how watching TV that much is really helping anybody. So what I'm wondering is, is there anything that she does well and does help with in the house? I also wonder how her mother responds to all of this. Is she trying to help her daughter in some ways or is she not bothered by it? I also wonder if your wife has been like this since you met her, or did she change at some point? Maybe when you moved in with her mother? Just a thought.

I'd also like to mention that I think you're doing well with taking care of yourself, as that hopefully will be a good example for your son.

Thank you for your kind words. Yes there is a disconnect between speak and actions sometimes with her. She says that time she watches TV is for her to clear her mind. I really think it is only numbing thw mind, but to say so leads to a fight inevitably. And I do not like fighting so I let it slide. Because she never backs down wheter she is right or wrong, and there is not much point waking our son with fighting.

 

[flycat]

So if I confront her about the question how does watching the TV helps anyone, she will say it isnt the same. It means the same as when I sit in front of a computer to read sott, forum, or play a game here and there. Somehow I am neglecting her by doing that, and she isnt neglecting me by watching TV and basically politely ignoring me.

Last night I did yoga routine in the living room while she was watching TV, thinking it might interest her, but no luck. She only got angry and got into a dictate how I always do what I please, while she was watching TV, funny really. When I had real and provable counter arguments to all she said, then she fell silent. I really have a hard time coping with that. She wont talk to me then, just says nevermind. There is really no way that I know of to go around that wall she sometimes builds around her.

But she does work good around the house, even if she is obssesed with keeping everything ultra clean.

Her mother is a primitive person with no formal education. She is helpful as much as she can with a limited capacity to comprehend things. However, she has a mean control freak type streak in her, and that sometimes interferes with her generally good intentions. Her mother talked to me how mean she was in the past to some people she thought did her wrong, and it made my stomach churn and made me sick how she could be so mean and petty. And she is supposed to be religious.

 

[flycat]

Her mothet also has temper tantrums, she stops talking to everyone for no reason, grabs things frim my or my wifes hands etc. She is also very secretive and likes to eavesdrop wherever she can. She can be talking to my wife, I come into the room and ask what are they talking about, she will say “Nothing!“, turn and walk away. Very strange behaviour.

And, no, my wife wasnt like this when we were living alone, but she denies having changed. Maybe she doesnt see it.

I also hope I can and will be a good example for my son, that is whats keeping me sane.