deleven
Jedi
I’m a little afraid to jump in, but here goes..
I’ve been a ‘passive’ participant in this forum for quite some time now. I’ve been scared to jump in even though I knew it would help with The Work. There’s a part of me that is deeply in dread of being ridiculed. I hide this normally behind my typical program, “What other people think about me is none of my business.” I’ve even offered this philosophy to others in times of stress. Theirs not mine, or so I thought.
I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve read several of Laura’s books. I’m a big fan. She comes across a so genuine and understandable. I’m going through The Wave for the second time. This time I have the hard copies. Problem for me is I’m a very meticulous reader. I can’t stand to go past anything I don’t immediately understand. So I’m way behind on the reading list, hence my programed hesitation to jump in, as once again, I risk kicking in the dreaded ridicule fear.
But after reading The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout, I realized that I’ve spent a lifetime of living in a dissociative state; one of always being so humbly in charge, fiercely independent, well-mannered and always willing to help others. I’m the problem solver. I fix things. From the time I was young I was always tearing apart and putting back together bicycles, lawnmowers, cars and now I’ve graduated to diagnostic imaging systems. This has been a big part of the joy in my life. The other has been tennis. The truth is that these emotional adventures always paled in comparison to the pleasure I’ve had in the company of a mate or good friends.
Yet within my relationships with others eventually I would come to realize that they weren’t willing or able to grow as I needed them to. I exhibited passive aggressive narcissistic tendencies and failed to recognize my role in sabotaging these relationships. I’m better now. I recognize how fragile we all are and have probably overcompensated on external consideration as I realized my proud program of having no regrets has left me one. I regret having hurt those that I never knew I had hurt.
I’ve tried to make amends with those that I’ve known about. I realize some of those hurt need to have their hurt, just as I’ve had to have my righteous indignations. I’ve seen this face of rage and kept this as a valuable weapon against exposing this hurt inner child. I am the son of a narcissistic mother. To this day, she still considers it a shame that I’ve never put my “brain” to better use. She’s 84 now, I’m 54. It’s taken me this long to trade in this mechanism of expressed rage for internal non-considering. It’s still a battle, but the universe is gifting me with opportunities to secure wins. Just the fact that I am posting this and baring my soul is direct evidence. I never would have done this before.
So I want to thank everybody for their participation. Your willingness to bare your souls has inspired me to do likewise. I’ve learned much in the passive role and am now determined to become more active.
Laura, I want to thank you for taking such an interest in these times. I can’t even begin to express how the whole Cassiopaean project has given such meaning to this existence. Your courage through your struggle reminds me of how such great things can come about through adversity. Thanks for allowing me into your ‘home’.
David
PS I did post to Newbie already and have all the links. Thanks. :D
I’ve been a ‘passive’ participant in this forum for quite some time now. I’ve been scared to jump in even though I knew it would help with The Work. There’s a part of me that is deeply in dread of being ridiculed. I hide this normally behind my typical program, “What other people think about me is none of my business.” I’ve even offered this philosophy to others in times of stress. Theirs not mine, or so I thought.
I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve read several of Laura’s books. I’m a big fan. She comes across a so genuine and understandable. I’m going through The Wave for the second time. This time I have the hard copies. Problem for me is I’m a very meticulous reader. I can’t stand to go past anything I don’t immediately understand. So I’m way behind on the reading list, hence my programed hesitation to jump in, as once again, I risk kicking in the dreaded ridicule fear.
But after reading The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout, I realized that I’ve spent a lifetime of living in a dissociative state; one of always being so humbly in charge, fiercely independent, well-mannered and always willing to help others. I’m the problem solver. I fix things. From the time I was young I was always tearing apart and putting back together bicycles, lawnmowers, cars and now I’ve graduated to diagnostic imaging systems. This has been a big part of the joy in my life. The other has been tennis. The truth is that these emotional adventures always paled in comparison to the pleasure I’ve had in the company of a mate or good friends.
Yet within my relationships with others eventually I would come to realize that they weren’t willing or able to grow as I needed them to. I exhibited passive aggressive narcissistic tendencies and failed to recognize my role in sabotaging these relationships. I’m better now. I recognize how fragile we all are and have probably overcompensated on external consideration as I realized my proud program of having no regrets has left me one. I regret having hurt those that I never knew I had hurt.
I’ve tried to make amends with those that I’ve known about. I realize some of those hurt need to have their hurt, just as I’ve had to have my righteous indignations. I’ve seen this face of rage and kept this as a valuable weapon against exposing this hurt inner child. I am the son of a narcissistic mother. To this day, she still considers it a shame that I’ve never put my “brain” to better use. She’s 84 now, I’m 54. It’s taken me this long to trade in this mechanism of expressed rage for internal non-considering. It’s still a battle, but the universe is gifting me with opportunities to secure wins. Just the fact that I am posting this and baring my soul is direct evidence. I never would have done this before.
So I want to thank everybody for their participation. Your willingness to bare your souls has inspired me to do likewise. I’ve learned much in the passive role and am now determined to become more active.
Laura, I want to thank you for taking such an interest in these times. I can’t even begin to express how the whole Cassiopaean project has given such meaning to this existence. Your courage through your struggle reminds me of how such great things can come about through adversity. Thanks for allowing me into your ‘home’.
David
PS I did post to Newbie already and have all the links. Thanks. :D