Hello all,
I’d like to bring up a testimony regarding toxic relationships and ponerization I encountered in my professional environment, from personal observations after a 15-year “carreer” in a big company.
This is not something I’m suffering from right now, due to appropriate changes I was able to make (and the Cassiopaean material helped me much see my choices with clarity), and I think these are mere examples of behaviours already described in the material on this forum, but I think sharing a detailed account of a few real-life situations can perhaps help others recognize or deal with their own and probably help myself notice clues I may have missed along the way.
A few years ago (2005), I was working as the deputy manager of a small team on computer support. The technical part of my job was under control, and learning how to manage a team efficiently was part of my assigned goals. My boss was very good both technically and in the way he encouraged and inspired the team, so learning was a rather natural process and I was feeling confident in my environment at the time. At home, we began to consider having a second child, and our son was born in april 2006.
However, at the beginning of 2006, major changes took place at work. First, the decision was made to move the headquarters of the information systems department to another place (same region, but a big move anyway, with about 2000 people and more than 8000 computers or devices moving), and I was asked to lead the computer support part of the project, while keeping my day-to-day activities with the team. I mentioned that I was going to have a second child and that my intention was not to have all my time consumed by work, and the hierarchy thanked me for bringing up the point. But a few weeks later, in February, I was told during a meeting “your head is now in play”, and I learned that my boss would change.
So I ended up with a new project, a new boss, and a good deal of additional occupation at home with a new member in the family. Even if the load was heavy, I could have handled it with serenity had my new boss not been so toxic. But this is really not what happened.
Again, I found much help in the Cassiopaean material and some the recommended reading : it helped me keep a clear idea of where I was heading and not submit to a ponerized idea of who I should be and how I should lead my life, but even with this (probably incomplete) knowledge, I wasn’t able to perceive the extent of the pressure and the damage I had suffered until much later, after completely leaving this environment.
So, in these early weeks, I discovered a new boss, and the first thing I noticed was that he was both completely ignorant of his new field of activity, and completely sure of himself and self-righteous, which is not a good thing. What I found strange to start with, was that he was very eager to get my help (which was a necessity because everything was new to him), and at the same time very reluctant to take my own needs or wishes into account (discussing my schedule was a source of conflict with him from day one, each time I had to take a day off, even for emergency reasons (caring for my children when ill for instance), and even though I was completely within what I was entitled to and never asked for special permissions).
The worst situation happened in January 2007. My wife was suffering from a lung inflammation (doctors had suspected pertussis, and she had a 6-week leave at work), and on a Sunday evening she began gasping for air and couldn’t find her breath. We had to call for help and an emergency team came to bring her to the hospital. I called my boss to warn him I wouldn’t be there on Monday morning, I told him my wife was going to the hospital and I wouldn’t be there the day after, and he answered me “you can’t because my child leaves tomorrow for a one week school camp, and I have to bring him to the bus !”. I was completely helpless facing such an unbelievable reaction, and then he pursued with asking me what he should do regarding some technical stuff. I had to cut the discussion because the ambulance was about to leave, but it felt completely unreal !
I also found strange that his “beginning” lasted so long : while he arrived on march 2006, he was still asking for comprehension for “beginning” one year later, and was still dependent on me for technical answers (and unable to find it by himself, even with tools and databases to search in). However, in a classical “passive aggressive” way, when we talked evaluations, he would tell me “Your work is perfect, but I can’t write this, because I must propose some “improvement axis”. So I have to introduce a couple of negative comments.” And in the end, the evaluation would end with a couple of negative comments (for instance, “Olivier is not willing to adapt his schedule to the company’s needs”), but NO positive one (saying “why would it be needed ? Everybody can see the job is done”).
That his behaviour was pathological was really self-evident, and it helped a lot to be aware of some stuff regarding this kind of people. However, it didn’t make the situation less uncomfortable. I have an extremely vivid memory of another situation where I was so shocked I couldn’t think : on one of the team meetings, my boss was absent, being too busy to talk to his own team.
So, as his deputy, I went on with handling the meeting. We had a couple of items on the agenda, including a presentation of an evolution in a corporate process (aka mechanisation of human activities). We had a long discussion about the new process, its consequences on daily work, its drawbacks, but also the defaults it could help reduce. Even if the process was not perfect (as usual), the team was rather pleased with the exchange, and ready to end the meeting to go to lunch, when the boss came and… started reviewing all items on the agenda ! I was stunned. Then he asked : “did you review the new process ?”. I was pretty positive and answered “Well, we just spent two hours detailing and discussing it, so I guess we did.” And he answered (with the whole team around the table) : “Ok, Olivier, I know that you understand fast. But them ?” I couldn’t say one word after that, and even writing this I feel ashamed I couldn’t answer at the time and voice my indignation. I did speak about this later with the team, and they felt a similar kind of shame, feeling sorry for me being used to belittle them and nobody daring to face this abuse !
The concept of conscious suffering has been a real help in facing this for two and a half long years, and observing him as well as my own reactions has helped me a lot understand some of the dynamics and bear it somehow. However, I was completely surprised when my chiropractor, one week after I took a new post in a completely different team, told me with surprise : “well, the locks in your neck and shoulder, that were impossible to lift for years, are just gone”. However, holding my own facing this petty tyrant has been a real lesson. I picked my present work environment from two opportunities. One was more attractive at face value, but with more of the same dynamics in view, and the other one, which I chose, being more modest, but also much healthier in terms of human dynamics.
I must thank Laura and others for helping me develop, however modestly, this ability to choose wisely beforehand, and I also know that this ability to analyse my previous unhealthy work situations has allowed me to give useful advice to other people in the company : this week a young man was proposed a job in my previous team, and he was suggested by some of my former colleagues to talk with me. I told him he had to be sure of his psychic resistance before taking such a job, with some examples of situations as above. Then he told me he would abstain, having a personal history of depression. A few years ago, I would have been happy to have escaped from my ex-boss’ fangs, but I’m not sure I would have been able to turn this into useful advice for others.
I must also add one last thing : even though this case seems to be evident, most people above him in the company's hierarchy have absolutely no clue about this : he got promoted a couple of time since I first met him, and this is something the team members were completely unable to understand. But they had an intuition of the truth however, saying "these people above are not like us"...
Regards.
I’d like to bring up a testimony regarding toxic relationships and ponerization I encountered in my professional environment, from personal observations after a 15-year “carreer” in a big company.
This is not something I’m suffering from right now, due to appropriate changes I was able to make (and the Cassiopaean material helped me much see my choices with clarity), and I think these are mere examples of behaviours already described in the material on this forum, but I think sharing a detailed account of a few real-life situations can perhaps help others recognize or deal with their own and probably help myself notice clues I may have missed along the way.
A few years ago (2005), I was working as the deputy manager of a small team on computer support. The technical part of my job was under control, and learning how to manage a team efficiently was part of my assigned goals. My boss was very good both technically and in the way he encouraged and inspired the team, so learning was a rather natural process and I was feeling confident in my environment at the time. At home, we began to consider having a second child, and our son was born in april 2006.
However, at the beginning of 2006, major changes took place at work. First, the decision was made to move the headquarters of the information systems department to another place (same region, but a big move anyway, with about 2000 people and more than 8000 computers or devices moving), and I was asked to lead the computer support part of the project, while keeping my day-to-day activities with the team. I mentioned that I was going to have a second child and that my intention was not to have all my time consumed by work, and the hierarchy thanked me for bringing up the point. But a few weeks later, in February, I was told during a meeting “your head is now in play”, and I learned that my boss would change.
So I ended up with a new project, a new boss, and a good deal of additional occupation at home with a new member in the family. Even if the load was heavy, I could have handled it with serenity had my new boss not been so toxic. But this is really not what happened.
Again, I found much help in the Cassiopaean material and some the recommended reading : it helped me keep a clear idea of where I was heading and not submit to a ponerized idea of who I should be and how I should lead my life, but even with this (probably incomplete) knowledge, I wasn’t able to perceive the extent of the pressure and the damage I had suffered until much later, after completely leaving this environment.
So, in these early weeks, I discovered a new boss, and the first thing I noticed was that he was both completely ignorant of his new field of activity, and completely sure of himself and self-righteous, which is not a good thing. What I found strange to start with, was that he was very eager to get my help (which was a necessity because everything was new to him), and at the same time very reluctant to take my own needs or wishes into account (discussing my schedule was a source of conflict with him from day one, each time I had to take a day off, even for emergency reasons (caring for my children when ill for instance), and even though I was completely within what I was entitled to and never asked for special permissions).
The worst situation happened in January 2007. My wife was suffering from a lung inflammation (doctors had suspected pertussis, and she had a 6-week leave at work), and on a Sunday evening she began gasping for air and couldn’t find her breath. We had to call for help and an emergency team came to bring her to the hospital. I called my boss to warn him I wouldn’t be there on Monday morning, I told him my wife was going to the hospital and I wouldn’t be there the day after, and he answered me “you can’t because my child leaves tomorrow for a one week school camp, and I have to bring him to the bus !”. I was completely helpless facing such an unbelievable reaction, and then he pursued with asking me what he should do regarding some technical stuff. I had to cut the discussion because the ambulance was about to leave, but it felt completely unreal !
I also found strange that his “beginning” lasted so long : while he arrived on march 2006, he was still asking for comprehension for “beginning” one year later, and was still dependent on me for technical answers (and unable to find it by himself, even with tools and databases to search in). However, in a classical “passive aggressive” way, when we talked evaluations, he would tell me “Your work is perfect, but I can’t write this, because I must propose some “improvement axis”. So I have to introduce a couple of negative comments.” And in the end, the evaluation would end with a couple of negative comments (for instance, “Olivier is not willing to adapt his schedule to the company’s needs”), but NO positive one (saying “why would it be needed ? Everybody can see the job is done”).
That his behaviour was pathological was really self-evident, and it helped a lot to be aware of some stuff regarding this kind of people. However, it didn’t make the situation less uncomfortable. I have an extremely vivid memory of another situation where I was so shocked I couldn’t think : on one of the team meetings, my boss was absent, being too busy to talk to his own team.
So, as his deputy, I went on with handling the meeting. We had a couple of items on the agenda, including a presentation of an evolution in a corporate process (aka mechanisation of human activities). We had a long discussion about the new process, its consequences on daily work, its drawbacks, but also the defaults it could help reduce. Even if the process was not perfect (as usual), the team was rather pleased with the exchange, and ready to end the meeting to go to lunch, when the boss came and… started reviewing all items on the agenda ! I was stunned. Then he asked : “did you review the new process ?”. I was pretty positive and answered “Well, we just spent two hours detailing and discussing it, so I guess we did.” And he answered (with the whole team around the table) : “Ok, Olivier, I know that you understand fast. But them ?” I couldn’t say one word after that, and even writing this I feel ashamed I couldn’t answer at the time and voice my indignation. I did speak about this later with the team, and they felt a similar kind of shame, feeling sorry for me being used to belittle them and nobody daring to face this abuse !
The concept of conscious suffering has been a real help in facing this for two and a half long years, and observing him as well as my own reactions has helped me a lot understand some of the dynamics and bear it somehow. However, I was completely surprised when my chiropractor, one week after I took a new post in a completely different team, told me with surprise : “well, the locks in your neck and shoulder, that were impossible to lift for years, are just gone”. However, holding my own facing this petty tyrant has been a real lesson. I picked my present work environment from two opportunities. One was more attractive at face value, but with more of the same dynamics in view, and the other one, which I chose, being more modest, but also much healthier in terms of human dynamics.
I must thank Laura and others for helping me develop, however modestly, this ability to choose wisely beforehand, and I also know that this ability to analyse my previous unhealthy work situations has allowed me to give useful advice to other people in the company : this week a young man was proposed a job in my previous team, and he was suggested by some of my former colleagues to talk with me. I told him he had to be sure of his psychic resistance before taking such a job, with some examples of situations as above. Then he told me he would abstain, having a personal history of depression. A few years ago, I would have been happy to have escaped from my ex-boss’ fangs, but I’m not sure I would have been able to turn this into useful advice for others.
I must also add one last thing : even though this case seems to be evident, most people above him in the company's hierarchy have absolutely no clue about this : he got promoted a couple of time since I first met him, and this is something the team members were completely unable to understand. But they had an intuition of the truth however, saying "these people above are not like us"...
Regards.
