Brenda86
Jedi Master
I have been thinking a lot today about a lot of different things and one them is this idea of trying to observe myself, not just what I do, but what I think, or how I come about a choice, etc.
Well, the thing I have been noticing is this growing gap between myself and this other me, or other "me's". All those "I's" I guess we read and talk about. For example, I recently decided to give up Diet Coke. Aspartame and caffeine are not good for me, so I will not put them in my body if I can help it. I have gone three days without it, but there is this little voice in my mind that keeps saying, "Oh it won't kill you to just have one, you've been doing so good." But I do not recognize this voice as being myself. I say to this other self that I am not backing down. And I do not have the diet coke.
Another instance I have really noticed it, is that this "I" in me will produce a thought of wanting to play a video game. There was a time when I spent literally 75% of my free time playing video games, but lately all of my free time is consumed by learning and the "de-stressing" activity is maybe a hot bath or reflection time. And the thing is, this reading/learning/reflecting is what I want to do. It is fun for me. I have had no real desire to play any games. The few times I have given it, it feels like a complete waste of time after 10-20 minutes (if I make it that long) and I am back to reading or maybe writing some things down that I've learned.
I guess the point I am trying to make is how odd it feels to actually notice the thoughts in my head that I do not feel are truly my own. I can reflect on a time where I would have just went along with most of these other thoughts. I have always been an intellectual person, but I guess until now I did not realize how mechanical I have been in the past.
However, in noticing this, it makes me realize how much further I must have to go if I could think I was so highly developed and yet have been following whims and not making CHOICES.
It produced this image in my head of someone walking down a path with no real conscious effort - going this or that way without any conscious decision. They have no concept of where they are going or how long the journey is.
And then at some point they see themselves where they are and see the journey ahead, and all the choices that must be made, and it doesn't look easy. So part of them says how easy it would be to just go back to obliviousness. But the part of them that can see how pointless that wandering was decides to follow a Conscious path. It is the hard path, but the only one that will get her anywhere.
I guess that is kind of how I imagine these little I's in my head. The ones that want to tell us how easy it would be to go back to all the things we used to do that took up all our time, so we would go through life unaware and unmoving. But now that I have started on this path I cannot see myself purposely getting off.
I guess my BIGGEST fear, is what hardships I may have to face on this path, considering how much I've already been through when I wasn't even ON this path. But then I like to see it as a kind of preparation because I have learned from my experiences. And what I am learning is to ACKNOWLEDGE this fear without letting it RULE me.
I hope this is coherent enough. I remember someone else said this earlier today, but I am having another one of those days where I am so tired. I feel like I haven't been sleeping at all when I have.
Well, the thing I have been noticing is this growing gap between myself and this other me, or other "me's". All those "I's" I guess we read and talk about. For example, I recently decided to give up Diet Coke. Aspartame and caffeine are not good for me, so I will not put them in my body if I can help it. I have gone three days without it, but there is this little voice in my mind that keeps saying, "Oh it won't kill you to just have one, you've been doing so good." But I do not recognize this voice as being myself. I say to this other self that I am not backing down. And I do not have the diet coke.
Another instance I have really noticed it, is that this "I" in me will produce a thought of wanting to play a video game. There was a time when I spent literally 75% of my free time playing video games, but lately all of my free time is consumed by learning and the "de-stressing" activity is maybe a hot bath or reflection time. And the thing is, this reading/learning/reflecting is what I want to do. It is fun for me. I have had no real desire to play any games. The few times I have given it, it feels like a complete waste of time after 10-20 minutes (if I make it that long) and I am back to reading or maybe writing some things down that I've learned.
I guess the point I am trying to make is how odd it feels to actually notice the thoughts in my head that I do not feel are truly my own. I can reflect on a time where I would have just went along with most of these other thoughts. I have always been an intellectual person, but I guess until now I did not realize how mechanical I have been in the past.
However, in noticing this, it makes me realize how much further I must have to go if I could think I was so highly developed and yet have been following whims and not making CHOICES.
It produced this image in my head of someone walking down a path with no real conscious effort - going this or that way without any conscious decision. They have no concept of where they are going or how long the journey is.
And then at some point they see themselves where they are and see the journey ahead, and all the choices that must be made, and it doesn't look easy. So part of them says how easy it would be to just go back to obliviousness. But the part of them that can see how pointless that wandering was decides to follow a Conscious path. It is the hard path, but the only one that will get her anywhere.
I guess that is kind of how I imagine these little I's in my head. The ones that want to tell us how easy it would be to go back to all the things we used to do that took up all our time, so we would go through life unaware and unmoving. But now that I have started on this path I cannot see myself purposely getting off.
I guess my BIGGEST fear, is what hardships I may have to face on this path, considering how much I've already been through when I wasn't even ON this path. But then I like to see it as a kind of preparation because I have learned from my experiences. And what I am learning is to ACKNOWLEDGE this fear without letting it RULE me.
I hope this is coherent enough. I remember someone else said this earlier today, but I am having another one of those days where I am so tired. I feel like I haven't been sleeping at all when I have.
