I've been trying to connect some intangible parts of my own perceptions to something more tangible recently, and am starting (slowly) to make some headway.
I discovered some time ago that I could 'see' what appeared to be parasites at some sort of energetic level. I put this aside along with all 'new age' type things when I found the Wave and the Work. Recently I came back to it and discovered I can see them more clearly, and removing them has a pretty good (if potentially short lived) effect on my mental clarity/well being.
I've also noticed that from reading others threads on dealing with past traumas and coming to terms with them, they use the same language that describes what I feel when I remove these things.
'It feels like a weight has been lifted' 'I feel totally different today, lighter some how' 'I finally feel I've let go' etc. I thought this may be a little bit of a stretch, but figured I must be doing something that should occur naturally (and from what I can tell does) in a normal person who is healing emotional wounds.
The following C's sessions posted a few days after I came to this conclusion helps give me a connection to something more tangible to work with.
Session 22 January 2000
This revisiting of these things came about when revisiting past traumas. Firstly the idea of birth trauma (I was starved of oxygen at birth), and that of a highly traumatic (high strangeness) event at around the age of 4....with the event culminating in the idea being left with me that 'if I moved I would be killed'. This left me laying in bed afraid to move or breath (or fall asleep because I'd probably move) until the sun came up several hours later.
Whatever the event was (real or imagined) it seems to parallel the birth trauma in some interesting ways. The closeness of 'death', not breathing, and physiological/emotional stress.
As a child I would be overwhelmed by too much emotion or sudden/startling changes, and would go in a startle response many years after this basic instinct was supposed to have faded away.
Doing the EE program has helped greatly, but has also caused some problems for me. I suffered from depression in the past, but was never diagnosed as bi-polar. Its possible however (looking back) that I was borderline. Some days I would suffer severe mood swings (that appeared to be hormonal...quite odd being male), although never having the 'high' side bi-polars seem to exhibit, I would have the low.
This is only a recent understanding, so a year or so ago I was doing the round breathing as part of the EE program. I ended up suffering really bad fatigue, loss of energy and many of my physical ailments worsened/became more pronounced. A few people reported such things and I cut out the round breathing on the advice of Laura. The symptoms went away.
Having dealt with my diet, kept up with the pipe breathing and POTS, and rebalanced neurotransmitters that may be out of balance I though I was doing ok. A few things have persisted though. Weight loss, aching all over (which seems to be linked to muscle cramps and severe depletion of magnesium – excersice would always make it worse in the past), and fatigue. I've had these problems as long as I can remember. Its as if my body was permanently stressed out?
I tried doing the round breathing again last week (determined to push through this and get to the bottom of things)....only to end up a day or three later loosing weight, getting severe cramps (no matter how much magnesium spray I used) and energy loss....and suffering a large amount of inflammation (all of which made my head rather foggy and triggered a whole host of old programming). It was quite a pronounced reaction that seemed proportional to the amount of effort I put into the round breathing.
I took some time out and watched a few films....including going to the cinema to see the new film Skyline (sci-fi aliens invade earth and start hovering up large portions of humanity......not unlike the reoccurring nightmares I use to have as a child). The film left me in quite a stressed out state.
I tried doing some pipe breathing that night and the POTS......and noticed something that (I think) finally ties this all together. As soon as an emotion would come up.....just as it was surfacing, two things happened. Firstly the level of tension in my body would increase. Secondly I'd drift into fantasies with the core theme being 'a predator' (human or otherwise) confronting me, and how I'd deal with it.
It finally dawned on me, thinking about all of the above what was gong on. The initial traumas had set the pattern for a psychological response to emotion. That is, as soon as I start to feel any emotions (or have any thoughts or physiological feelings) connected to the traumas (fear, anger, attacked [predator near], weak, helpless, sadness, stress, tiredness, fatigue etc etc) my body goes into 'trauma survival mode'. My body is back in my bed in fight or flight mode, afraid to move or breathe less I be killed. So I have a constant low level full body tension in my muscles (leading to fatigue and magnesium depletion).
Tying to what the C's say above this leads to these 'parasites' etc getting in at an energetic level. A fracturing (rejection of elements) of the self at many levels, leading to gaps in awareness. I could not feel those things because my survival depends on staying alert. So at some level I am 'taring myself apart' to survive.
A short circuit of the natural emotional pathways into a physical/energetic response (leading it physical symptoms and probably eventual mental/physical disease/breakdown). Pavlovian programming at its best.
I'm only just becoming aware of the tension/stress in my body caused by all this, and it seems that even writing this has brought it all back. It is unfortunately the (almost) perfect trap because all routes of healing (I.e. safe expression of/experiencing of the trapped emotions) leads to taring myself apart for my own survival. I guess I had to understand all this out first?
Last night I came to these conclusions. I was still have mental fantasies and dissociating into visions of predators (this time the aliens from the film I'd just watched) coming for me and what I'd do about it (fight it or give up). I realised that it was the projection of the fear I was keeping myself from experiencing. So took a mental step back and saw myself, and saw 'it' and let it pass through me. To show that it would not harm me if I let it come closer.
It reminded me of a quote from dune I'd always liked.
One other thing I had also been doing in the previous days during the POTS was allowing myself to feel weak/helpless, and to supply the feeling of protection I craved. This has helped a lot.
The reason I am so sure this understanding is the answer is that at the exact point I became aware of it all tension in my body evaporated. Today my weight has gone up too for the first time in months (it will be interesting to see what happens to it over time).
I just need to keep remembering it and be aware of this stress that was invisible to me.
Last night I had the most peaceful sleep I'd had in months. I had a few dreams, two of which seemed extremely symbolic and tied to all the above.
I was visiting the coast (I'd marked on a map where a meteorite impact may take place), it was full of old castles buried in hills. I was surprised to see building their that meant the inhabitants could have survived the impact event...and how old they where. I wanted to explore them but could not get near due to the ground being boggy, until I noticed a path I had not seen with school children on who were taking the tour of the area....so I tagged along and got an overview of the situation. We all boarded a large hoarse and cart (with the guide being dressed in victoian clothes) that would take us to the museum along the coast. I positioned myself at the front for the best view...only to realise once we where moving what a dangerous place it was. I had no seatbelt, was sat on a thin slippery (worn) piece of wood and had nothing to hold onto.....if we hit a rut we where over balanced and would fall forwards (me landing head first with the cart crushing me). Their where also no horses! Where the horses should be the rains (from the driver at the back) went directly to the wheels. I had to hold a contorted (stressful) position to keep my seat and balance enough to stop the cart toppling over on top of me. The only thing driving the cart was gravity and clever use of breaking from the driver at the rear.
The second dream involved running from 'something' (a re-occurring nightmare from my childhood) only to stop, and decide with my friends in the dream to confront this fear and call it out (without fighting it, as fighting it at its level never got rid of it).
I discovered some time ago that I could 'see' what appeared to be parasites at some sort of energetic level. I put this aside along with all 'new age' type things when I found the Wave and the Work. Recently I came back to it and discovered I can see them more clearly, and removing them has a pretty good (if potentially short lived) effect on my mental clarity/well being.
I've also noticed that from reading others threads on dealing with past traumas and coming to terms with them, they use the same language that describes what I feel when I remove these things.
'It feels like a weight has been lifted' 'I feel totally different today, lighter some how' 'I finally feel I've let go' etc. I thought this may be a little bit of a stretch, but figured I must be doing something that should occur naturally (and from what I can tell does) in a normal person who is healing emotional wounds.
The following C's sessions posted a few days after I came to this conclusion helps give me a connection to something more tangible to work with.
Session 22 January 2000
This revisiting of these things came about when revisiting past traumas. Firstly the idea of birth trauma (I was starved of oxygen at birth), and that of a highly traumatic (high strangeness) event at around the age of 4....with the event culminating in the idea being left with me that 'if I moved I would be killed'. This left me laying in bed afraid to move or breath (or fall asleep because I'd probably move) until the sun came up several hours later.
Whatever the event was (real or imagined) it seems to parallel the birth trauma in some interesting ways. The closeness of 'death', not breathing, and physiological/emotional stress.
As a child I would be overwhelmed by too much emotion or sudden/startling changes, and would go in a startle response many years after this basic instinct was supposed to have faded away.
Doing the EE program has helped greatly, but has also caused some problems for me. I suffered from depression in the past, but was never diagnosed as bi-polar. Its possible however (looking back) that I was borderline. Some days I would suffer severe mood swings (that appeared to be hormonal...quite odd being male), although never having the 'high' side bi-polars seem to exhibit, I would have the low.
This is only a recent understanding, so a year or so ago I was doing the round breathing as part of the EE program. I ended up suffering really bad fatigue, loss of energy and many of my physical ailments worsened/became more pronounced. A few people reported such things and I cut out the round breathing on the advice of Laura. The symptoms went away.
Having dealt with my diet, kept up with the pipe breathing and POTS, and rebalanced neurotransmitters that may be out of balance I though I was doing ok. A few things have persisted though. Weight loss, aching all over (which seems to be linked to muscle cramps and severe depletion of magnesium – excersice would always make it worse in the past), and fatigue. I've had these problems as long as I can remember. Its as if my body was permanently stressed out?
I tried doing the round breathing again last week (determined to push through this and get to the bottom of things)....only to end up a day or three later loosing weight, getting severe cramps (no matter how much magnesium spray I used) and energy loss....and suffering a large amount of inflammation (all of which made my head rather foggy and triggered a whole host of old programming). It was quite a pronounced reaction that seemed proportional to the amount of effort I put into the round breathing.
I took some time out and watched a few films....including going to the cinema to see the new film Skyline (sci-fi aliens invade earth and start hovering up large portions of humanity......not unlike the reoccurring nightmares I use to have as a child). The film left me in quite a stressed out state.
I tried doing some pipe breathing that night and the POTS......and noticed something that (I think) finally ties this all together. As soon as an emotion would come up.....just as it was surfacing, two things happened. Firstly the level of tension in my body would increase. Secondly I'd drift into fantasies with the core theme being 'a predator' (human or otherwise) confronting me, and how I'd deal with it.
It finally dawned on me, thinking about all of the above what was gong on. The initial traumas had set the pattern for a psychological response to emotion. That is, as soon as I start to feel any emotions (or have any thoughts or physiological feelings) connected to the traumas (fear, anger, attacked [predator near], weak, helpless, sadness, stress, tiredness, fatigue etc etc) my body goes into 'trauma survival mode'. My body is back in my bed in fight or flight mode, afraid to move or breathe less I be killed. So I have a constant low level full body tension in my muscles (leading to fatigue and magnesium depletion).
Tying to what the C's say above this leads to these 'parasites' etc getting in at an energetic level. A fracturing (rejection of elements) of the self at many levels, leading to gaps in awareness. I could not feel those things because my survival depends on staying alert. So at some level I am 'taring myself apart' to survive.
A short circuit of the natural emotional pathways into a physical/energetic response (leading it physical symptoms and probably eventual mental/physical disease/breakdown). Pavlovian programming at its best.
I'm only just becoming aware of the tension/stress in my body caused by all this, and it seems that even writing this has brought it all back. It is unfortunately the (almost) perfect trap because all routes of healing (I.e. safe expression of/experiencing of the trapped emotions) leads to taring myself apart for my own survival. I guess I had to understand all this out first?
Last night I came to these conclusions. I was still have mental fantasies and dissociating into visions of predators (this time the aliens from the film I'd just watched) coming for me and what I'd do about it (fight it or give up). I realised that it was the projection of the fear I was keeping myself from experiencing. So took a mental step back and saw myself, and saw 'it' and let it pass through me. To show that it would not harm me if I let it come closer.
It reminded me of a quote from dune I'd always liked.
Different images and scenarios kept popping into my head and I kept doing the same, stepping back and seeing them pass through me like ghosts. I took the weight and my focus away from them. I even managed to feel a little fear without physical distress/stress.
One other thing I had also been doing in the previous days during the POTS was allowing myself to feel weak/helpless, and to supply the feeling of protection I craved. This has helped a lot.
The reason I am so sure this understanding is the answer is that at the exact point I became aware of it all tension in my body evaporated. Today my weight has gone up too for the first time in months (it will be interesting to see what happens to it over time).
I just need to keep remembering it and be aware of this stress that was invisible to me.
Last night I had the most peaceful sleep I'd had in months. I had a few dreams, two of which seemed extremely symbolic and tied to all the above.
I was visiting the coast (I'd marked on a map where a meteorite impact may take place), it was full of old castles buried in hills. I was surprised to see building their that meant the inhabitants could have survived the impact event...and how old they where. I wanted to explore them but could not get near due to the ground being boggy, until I noticed a path I had not seen with school children on who were taking the tour of the area....so I tagged along and got an overview of the situation. We all boarded a large hoarse and cart (with the guide being dressed in victoian clothes) that would take us to the museum along the coast. I positioned myself at the front for the best view...only to realise once we where moving what a dangerous place it was. I had no seatbelt, was sat on a thin slippery (worn) piece of wood and had nothing to hold onto.....if we hit a rut we where over balanced and would fall forwards (me landing head first with the cart crushing me). Their where also no horses! Where the horses should be the rains (from the driver at the back) went directly to the wheels. I had to hold a contorted (stressful) position to keep my seat and balance enough to stop the cart toppling over on top of me. The only thing driving the cart was gravity and clever use of breaking from the driver at the rear.
The second dream involved running from 'something' (a re-occurring nightmare from my childhood) only to stop, and decide with my friends in the dream to confront this fear and call it out (without fighting it, as fighting it at its level never got rid of it).
