quote from Buddy:
Regarding the Law of Octaves, why not try on some musical metaphors and look at co-dependent behavior as a 'program' or 'song'? That way you might use your self-observations to isolate the constituent 'notes' (thought, feeling and physical behavior patterns) of your particular version of this 'song', including the order they're played, which notes sound together and what note the tune resolves on (feeling about self) and how it compares to the note (a feeling about yourself) that it started on. Perhaps in some way the irony might be realized when, instead of returning to the beginning for another play through, you can end the tune on the same note one octave up where your frequency has become doubled and doesn't fall back.
Just some thought
It was very prescient of you to have written this, Buddy, because what you suggest here is exactly what happened to my daughter and me yesterday.
Yesterday morning my daughter came to me and said that she doesn't feel right having the only bedroom anymore, and suggested that she move into the living room where I've been sleeping all her life, and I take the bedroom.
This actually became a really fun project, where we worked together figuring out how I could use the living room to entertain friends, something I used to do a lot, but because our living arrangements have been so awkward, I have felt uncomfortable having people over.
She figured out a way of dividing the living room into sections where we could create a space for her to sleep, and a space for me to entertain. On the occasions that I have people over, she could sleep in my newly reclaimed bedroom, and I could sleep on the couch in the newly divided living room if people left really late. I was really impressed with her ability to visualize and utilize space. We looked through catalogs and spoke for hours. And then later she said, "You know mom, I feel like it's soon going to be time for me to leave and move out."
This was the first time she ever broached this subject on her own, and although I feel kind of sad, I feel really happy for her that she feels confident enough to want to begin the process of going off on her own.
As all of this is going on, I have also been addressing ways of understanding and escaping from the co-dependency syndrome. So when she stated that she wanted to leave, I did not take over. I just left it to her to figure out how she is going to manage. She is pretty smart especially in ways that I'm not, and anyway, these times that she's living in are not the same as the ones that I matured into. Everything is different, and although there are certain principles which are universal - don't get into debt, for example, there are many changes out there that she will have to figure out on her own because I just don't know the lay of the land anymore. it's very different than it was when I was her age.
Buddy writes:
Going by your comments, apparently I was the object of a co-dependent's attention years ago during a relationship that eventually broke up. If I had known the term 'co-dependent' then, I might have been able to point her to help. I just saw her as inside out; reversing the meaning of everything. She saw her self-centeredness as self-sacrifice; imposing thoughts and ideas and corrections on me and others was interpreted as 'freely giving' and my non-verbal feedback of discomfort with this non-stop behavior was interpreted as 'misunderstanding' her intentions meaning she needed to try harder.
Anytime I said something to her, I was immediately accused of doing that very thing to her, so I felt guilty and continued to practice what I thought was tolerance. I blame my ignorance of the condition for the length of the relationship (several years), and during this time, it was such a source of misery and guilt for me, I'd have rather had to deal with straightforward bully behavior.
In the book
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie says this about the psychological landscape of the co-dependent personality that gives rise to the behavior exhibited by your former girlfriend.
Reacting usually does not work. We react too quickly, with too much intensity and urgency. Rarely can we do our best at anything in this state of mind. I believe we are not called on or required to do anything in this state of mind. There is little in our lives that we need to do that we cannot do better if we are peaceful. Few situations - no matter how greatly they appear to deserve it - can be bettered by us going beserk.
Why do we do it then?
We react because we're anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening.
Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crisis for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit.
We react because we think things shouldn't be happening the way they are.
We react because we don't feel good about ourselves.
We react because most people react.
We react because we think we have to react.
We don't have to.
We don't have to be so afraid of people...
We don't have to forfeit our peace. We have the same resources available when we're peaceful that are available to us when we're frantic and chaotic.
Actually, we have more resources available because our minds and emotions are available to us as when we're frantic and chaotic. Actually we have more resources available because our minds and emotions are free to perform at peak level.
We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything. That is also not required of us.
I wish I had been able to learn this earlier, but I'm extremely fortunate that I am beginning to learn this now. I thought that I was expected to become so emotional because that is what I saw growing up. I really believed that if you cared about someone, you showed it by trying to get them to do the right thing.
It never occurred to me to question my understanding of what the right thing might be for someone else.
Having said all this, I do think that I am starting on another octave, and that things will get better - if not in the world, hopefully with my daughter, and with myself.
Thank you Buddy, for motivating me to think more deeply about this topic and for sharing your experience with your former girlfriend. I certainly can relate to her, and it was helpful to me that you shared your reactions to her behavior. It's really devastating for me to see myself as others saw me. I really had no clue.
