the small man meets, the big man

[Sodajaxon]

This side of the Michigan, has been influenced by, (the world, automotive, legislature,sports, & the politics;ETC). And
the third coast has been 'Decimated by the current economy'-).

Recently, the Governor Granholm, Posted - 35-50% off, on taxes for movies created here. (2-/+Sixmonthes+'08) <Plus Tax Formulas.> Gives hollywood lots of room to make and bail, if they wanta.
My STS side look for an/ IN, (i wanta be a camera man), turns out the state sponsered class charges 1500$, per course!
I sign up for all the help i can get, while im doing this, (sign up for federal student aid), i meet a friend who knows a friend , AND the friend is THE * HE, is the Director- of many shows from here to Chicago!
i met this guy tonite, i suck all my gurjeff kicked in, i introduced my self at the begining of the nite, and that was it. i did not interact with him but by , 'mannerisms.'

talke about the gemstones in the cracks of the road! and the gold coins!

I froze like a whirlstone frigerator. my internall dialog, " Be Cool!" bla bla

All this crap in my head, to much crap in my head.
I was'cordial'.
i suck.
nite~
steven.

 

[Beau]

So, are you trying to say that you were awestruck by some Gurdjieff teacher, and because of that you say you "suck"? Not sure what you are trying to accomplish by this post.

 

[Sodajaxon]

To act, on my preconceived ideas. my post is about seeing the moment that i dream't of and Thendoing absolutely nothing, when the moment came!
watching, observing my emotional and intellectual dialog so much so as to miss the 'gold-coin in the crack of the road.,' assuming' the directors thoughts,---(is what i did do)--
AND Knowing, I still Missed it!!

i think i see a me,- i figured it out i can not 'assume'. i do not know how or why i freeze, i did not do any thing to engange the guy. and i think, thought, assume, he could help me.
choosing any direction to take, the internal dialogs, and remaining/watching/seizing the moment, for me -STS of fame and fortune. is lost- the " coulda, shoulda" and didnt do a thing!

For all 3-d, humans we are STS, yet i didnt do anything to further my <sts> dreams, aspirations and desirer's, when I 'assumed' i had a chance.
Either way, i did not take that chance, so how will i -'really know'.

the only way to really know from now is to do it. right then and there. that scares the be'jeezuz out of me.
To Act On My Own!

i have done that a hundred times, on my own. With non-sensical choices.(teen-rebellion,etc) but to really choose now, scary.
I know i came here thinking, bah- i can do it. Yet im in it - and I do not know.
Steven~

 

[Al Today]

Howdy Steven James. Sometimes I just do not get hints. I've never been good at reading between the lines either. I haveta admit I'm a little confused out here. Could you restate what you are attempting to say? I can't tell if you're asking a question, making a statement, or writing poetry. People "love" to talk on this forum, but maybe it's me, but I don't work well with puzzles...

 

[Craig]

Steven James, are you so disconnected with people and their needs that you can't see how inconsiderate your posts are - in their style, their content and what you do and don't say...?

 

[Bar Kochba]

It's difficult enough grasping some of the concepts in this forum...then someone posts this? Sheesh.

 

[Sodajaxon]

my posts are not meant to be confusing, or inconsiderate, i do not want that- I tried to convey a realization, i think i thought i had, between posts.

i have been a fool and i have been blind.

my topic is about the many me's, we all have. and~ on working on observing the/my self, in the moment, i lost track of what i wanted.

It is difficult to see from my recent post, that i wanted to talk to a movie director about work. (i will polish my point).
I wanted to convey, starting out as a new person camera man, and then seeing(or so i thought), me being a big movie star!

My wishful thinking of talking to the director, would some how garner me a 'walk-way', to that objective, under the guise of being a camera man.

Y'know , being a star, that would someday maybe recieve a golden globe award, or perhaps an emmy.

I had the chance to facilite these ideas, with someone who is directly involved with the theater, movies and stardom.

Talking to him about me was my goal, (Y'know for a role in a movie) and i didn't do it. i froze, i was cordial and nice, but i did not follow threw with <MY STS >objective.

-Let me try to communicate-
I am confused as to what we/me, are supposed to do, when we are observing our-selves. 24 hours a day. do we do what we want or do we just let what we want walk away?
I did not infringe on the Director's free will, for me and my wishful ideas.

Now i may not ever have the chance to ask. ~ because, i did not try the 1st time.




I tried to state in my 2nd post, that the only moment we/me, have is now.
and i how i blew it.

my inconsideration for my readers is in-advertant.
this stairway may be the hardest thing i will ever do.
~Steven

 

[webglider]

Steven James, It seems as though you feel you lost a great opportunity because of your inability to apply the Work to the situation you found yourself in. It also seems that you are really beating yourself
over the head with your perceived failure.

As I understand your post, you are upset because you saw yourself revert to mechanical behavior which would not allow you to do those things that you need to do to achieve your aim?

Are you really sure that your perceptions are accurate? How do you know that you messed up to the degree that you've expressed?

I'm sorry if I'm way off track here, but this is what I gleaned from your post.

Bo has written an incredible series of article entitled Who Am I, What Am I, Why Am I. I recommend this thread to you because it breaks down the process of self-observation. Again, if I understnd your posts correctly, that you saw something about yourself that is sabotaging your aims, self observation may help you in consistenly checking in with yourself to get a better understanding of how your machine works.

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=10354.0

Bar Kochba, I recommend it to you too. People have taken a lot of time with you and shown much compassion.
I'm really surprised at the dismissive tone of your post to Steven James who is obviously in pain.

 

[Nienna]

my posts are not meant to be confusing, or inconsiderate, i do not want that- I tried to convey a realization, i think i thought i had, between posts.

First, it seems to me, that you need to slow down. Breathe. Communicating is not always easy and we need to reread what we have written to see if someone who has no idea what you are talking about can understand it. It does improve over time. It takes a while to get the knack of it. Keep practicing. ;)

i have been a fool and i have been blind.

That's how we all are. You don't have to feel all alone about that. But the fact is, you see that you are a fool and blind. Many do not.

my topic is about the many me's, we all have. and~ on working on observing the/my self, in the moment, i lost track of what i wanted.

Yep! That's how it goes. It is truly work. Just as you think that you are in control, wham, you have completely dissociated and do not even know how you got to where you are. But you don't have to beat yourself up over it. You just have to keep working on it. The more you keep trying, sooner or later you will notice that you are able to observe yourself more and more. And you will see the programs starting and be able to watch them and become familiar with it. And on and on. It is never easy. That's why so many people do not want to be bothered with it. Too much like real work.

-Let me try to communicate-
I am confused as to what we/me, are supposed to do, when we are observing our-selves. 24 hours a day. do we do what we want or do we just let what we want walk away?
I did not infringe on the Director's free will, for me and my wishful ideas.

This is my understanding at this time. We are observing ourselves so that we see how we 'react' to different stimuli. Watch to see our programs triggered. A lot of the time we don't even realize that a program has been triggered until much later. But once we have see the program, even at a later time, we are able to recognize it easier and easier. Then we are to observe the program while it is running so that we learn how we are feeling at that time. To know it up close and personal. And the more familiar we become with it, the easier it will be to spot it the next time and the next, until one day you can actually see the program start and stop it before it has the chance to fully engage. Then you learn how to control the program instead of the program controlling you.

Now i may not ever have the chance to ask. ~ because, i did not try the 1st time.

Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe the General Law was trying to entice you away from the Work.

Or maybe something was keeping you from this because some part of you doesn't really want to do this. It is hard to tell. But it would be good to remember that all there is is lessons and if you learnt anything from this, then it is good.

this stairway may be the hardest thing i will ever do.
~Steven

Yes.

I agree with webglider.

Bo has written an incredible series of article entitled Who Am I, What Am I, Why Am I. I recommend this thread to you because it breaks down the process of self-observation. Again, if I understnd your posts correctly, that you saw something about yourself that is sabotaging your aims, self observation may help you in consistenly checking in with yourself to get a better understanding of how your machine works.

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=10354.0

This may be a good thread for you to read and contemplate.

Good luck. :)

 

[Bar Kochba]

Honestly, I did not get that he was in pain. I did not understand his post at all. I was dismissive because, to me, it seemed as tho he was writing a stream-of-consciousness piece and I quite simply did not get it. I apologize for any harm I may have caused. It's more an expression of my own frustration than anything. Best wishes to Steven.