The young girl with a narcessitic ex

[knowledge_of_self]

Hi everyone:

Ok so, I recently met a young girl at school she’s 18 years old. We got to talking, and she told me a bit about herself and I was a little awestruck from hearing her story.

She told me that she is currently involved with a man (24 years old) who apparently has a 3 year old son with another woman. He’s no longer with that woman, she is the legal guardian of the child and he tries to involve himself with the son's life as much as possible. She doesn’t mind this and loves the guy’s son and they seemingly have a ‘good’ relationship. I say this only from the stand point of what she has told me.

She also told me that she has an ex-boyfriend who isn’t over her. He is also older than her and apparently even though she’s tried cutting off contact with him, he often messages her through texts, phone calls etc.. threatening her and being all around a psycho to her. She was telling me how she had a friend pass-away this last weekend and that she was very upset about the whole thing. Apparently the friend that died was also friends with the ex-boyfriend and so he texted her saying very insensitive things regarding the friend who died and just basically trying to get an emotional reaction out of her, which of course worked.

I told her that she should cut off contact with the guy immediately (especially if he’s making threats) and that she should keep all the threats he sends, i.e. texts, e-mails, etc.. and file a police report, and maybe even get a restraining order. I told her she should block his number and change her number so that he can’t reach her. I forgot to ask her what her parents think, if they even know. Or what the current boyfriend thinks of all this (I’ll talk to her about it next time I see her, most likely tomorrow)

When I was telling her that she should get a restraining order, she kind of started backtracking and saying how he’s not serious and he just wants a reaction out of her…etc, I told her that , yes it may be the case that he’s just bs-ing BUT it could also happen that one day, he has a bad day, and snaps and decides to come and pay you a visit to take it out on you. I told her just because she would never do something like that, she should not think others wouldn’t. I told her to not think we’re all built the same way-hinting to her that he was a narcissist and I think I even said the guy sound psycho and she agreed.

So I decided to order the book “Women who love psychopaths” today for myself. I was thinking of copying excerpts out of the book and giving it to her to read, in order for her to become familiar with the topic of narcissism. In a way, she’s not really asking, per-se but she sort of is. Meaning she’s reached out to me, to discuss these problems with me, and I can’t help but feel that I need to help her in some way. And the only way I know how, is by giving her reading material on the topic and hope she reads it and begins to see how narcissistic her ex actually is.

Having said that, I also wouldn’t be surprised if her current boyfriend is also narcissistic. Even though she hasn’t said anything bad about him, I feel if her choice in getting involved with her ex is anything similar to her current situation, than this guy may be as bad-if not worse for her. And she may not even be able to notice it. Of course, this is pure speculation on my part.

I tried ordering Women Who Love Psychopaths from amazon.ca but they didn’t even carry it. I went to amazon.com and they had it for $135.00 US, which made my eyes pop out of their sockets So I went to their main site and pre-ordered the 2nd edition for about $26 US which is much more affordable. I can’t understand why the 1st edition would be so expensive on amazon but whatever.

So anyway, I was wondering if anyone has any more advice/input they’d like to share on how I should approach this situation with more care. And also I’m reading through the Women Who Love Psychopaths thread trying to find some quotes from the book I just ordered but just to save time, does anyone happen to have some quotes/passages written out from the book or from anywhere that is relevant to her situation that they could paste here so that I could print out and give it to her to read sooner than later? I’m just really busy today so I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this by tomorrow, and it would be really helpful. But if not, I’ll just do that when I can get the time.

Thanks for reading

 

[anart]

So I decided to order the book “Women who love psychopaths” today for myself. I was thinking of copying excerpts out of the book and giving it to her to read, in order for her to become familiar with the topic of narcissism. In a way, she’s not really asking, per-se but she sort of is.

Is she asking? Or, is she just talking about all of her drama to feed off of your reaction?

Meaning she’s reached out to me, to discuss these problems with me, and I can’t help but feel that I need to help her in some way. And the only way I know how, is by giving her reading material on the topic and hope she reads it and begins to see how narcissistic her ex actually is.

It sounds like you might not be reacting very objectively - and that she might have triggered a 'hero' program of some sort. Be very careful of offering help when help has not actually been asked for. I would suggest, at most, informing her of the book and giving her a link to the website. If she's actually interested, she can read the material herself. The fact that she started to hedge when you mentioned the restraining order indicates the situation might not actually be what you think it is and you have programs running. fwiw.

 

[henry]

I had the same reaction as anart. Is she really asking?

Give her the references to the book, and also How To Spot A Dangerous Man, and let her find them if she feels she needs them.

It sounds like you came on rather strong.

 

[Buddy]

Hi Deedlet. I can't say it any better than it's already been said. For what it's worth, though, I think this is one of the biggest problems we have to face in this Work. (The 'helping' issue and the 'how-to').

Meaning she’s reached out to me, to discuss these problems with me,...

From my view, this is what you perceived, and...

and I can’t help but feel that I need to help her in some way.

...this is the reaction you noticed in yourself, and...

And the only way I know how, is...

...this is the interpretation you gave it (automatically do something?). I understand though. It has been very hard for me to stop at the point where I just observe my reaction and while showing sympathy for the person, just listen to them. Sometimes if I just listen and make acknowledging sounds and just ask questions, it appears as if I'm actively discussing the problem with them and at some point they eventually come up with their own solutions or suggestions. It's like having to play a waiting game with some people.

 

[knowledge_of_self]

So I decided to order the book “Women who love psychopaths” today for myself. I was thinking of copying excerpts out of the book and giving it to her to read, in order for her to become familiar with the topic of narcissism. In a way, she’s not really asking, per-se but she sort of is.

Is she asking? Or, is she just talking about all of her drama to feed off of your reaction?

Hmm, that is interesting. I had not considered that fact. It is a definite possibility. I mean I have to admit I was a little overwhelmed at all the things she was telling me. I tried putting myself in her shoes and I know how many women are susceptible to psychopathy… And I guess when I was her age, even younger- I wish someone had told me about this stuff. But I can see what you’re saying and I take it as a possibility to further observe myself and my interactions with her.

Meaning she’s reached out to me, to discuss these problems with me, and I can’t help but feel that I need to help her in some way. And the only way I know how, is by giving her reading material on the topic and hope she reads it and begins to see how narcissistic her ex actually is.

It sounds like you might not be reacting very objectively - and that she might have triggered a 'hero' program of some sort. Be very careful of offering help when help has not actually been asked for. I would suggest, at most, informing her of the book and giving her a link to the website. If she's actually interested, she can read the material herself. The fact that she started to hedge when you mentioned the restraining order indicates the situation might not actually be what you think it is and you have programs running. fwiw.

Ok, sounds like a good idea I will give her the site and if she wants to she will buy the book. I don’t know if I felt/feel like a ‘hero’. I just felt genuinely concerned for her, and her safety. Maybe I came off strong because I feel the subject to be such a serious matter, so I’m passionate about it. I’m far from perfect so I know I have programs running all the time- though of course I try my best to not be running them; you all know it’s hard to catch oneself in the act. So I’m very happy to have received this input from you, because I will be considering my interactions with this girl differently.

 

[Laura]

Boy, does this trap ever sound familiar! That's the same routine that was run on me over and over again until I finally got it! Run, don't walk, the other way the next time you see this girl coming.

 

[knowledge_of_self]

Boy, does this trap ever sound familiar! That's the same routine that was run on me over and over again until I finally got it! Run, don't walk, the other way the next time you see this girl coming.

Yikes! Ok I hear you loud and clear. I will definitely distance myself as much as I can.

Next time she brings up her abusive ex problems to me, I'll give her the site address and just leave it at that.

Looking at myself and my line of thought more closely, I think perhaps my 'friendship program' and 'be nice' program activated as well... so those are also some programs I'm considering at play now too.

I'm questioning myself now about how I acted and what I said to her, why did I feel this need to help her in someway? Well... I feel that way in general about everyone, that's why I've decided to become a psychologist. I thought to myself, would this situation be different if I was a psychologist? Which the answer comes back -yes- because I would have a lot more knowledge. I just need to slow down right now and remind myself... you're just a student Nina-don't act like you know psychology. You have only just reached the threshold of this VAST topic of the mind and all the circumstances at play. You're still learning and you need to keep learning. Learn about your own mind, and how to help yourself, before extending yourself to others.

I'm also questioning my wanting to be a psychologist now-- I just want to help people (is that a hero program?)

Thank you so much for all your input, it has given me much food for thought.

 

[blackrain]

Hi don't want to be considered a 'board lurker' so I thought i would add to this thread. From my own experience when one is in a narcissistic relationship you cannot see the reality because it is warped by the narcissist manipulation . You have a feeling that something is not right and may bounce off concerns with friends but you don't hear the advice. Once the relationship is stopped, completely ended and i mean completely ended, ie: no contact what so ever then you begin to start seeing the reality despite suffering with post traumatic stress.

Deedlet, your friend is still in denail and until the contact with her ex stops then she will be continued to be manipulated by him, she cannot see that she is part of his narcissistic supply. any reaction from her to him even negative feeds this supply. I am training to be a counsellor here in England and there is much ignorance (if that is the right word to use ) about what a narcissist is, about the dangers of pathological liars , their manipulation is really clever and powerful. I talk to my friends and listen to my clients , I know that they are in narcissistic relationships but as per my counselling ethics I do not offer advice but just try and open doors to their awareness. it is hard to listen to your firends predicament and not jump in and rescue.

I had a call from one of my ex partners 'women' asking who I was and was she just one of many women? I had to say yes and my heart went out to her, she sounded so young and vunerable. However , I decided that i was not to be her rescurer but I would through my counselling career enable people to became aware of narcissistic pathological liars and be of support once they have become aware . These are just my thoughts and my experience :)Deedlet , the world needs people who are aware of such issues, the psychologists in England are not really aware of how much damage these individuals cause , continue with your training!!!

Moderator's note: Edited to split in paragraphs.

 

[Laura]

I'm questioning myself now about how I acted and what I said to her, why did I feel this need to help her in someway? Well... I feel that way in general about everyone, that's why I've decided to become a psychologist. I thought to myself, would this situation be different if I was a psychologist? Which the answer comes back -yes- because I would have a lot more knowledge. I just need to slow down right now and remind myself... you're just a student Nina-don't act like you know psychology. You have only just reached the threshold of this VAST topic of the mind and all the circumstances at play. You're still learning and you need to keep learning. Learn about your own mind, and how to help yourself, before extending yourself to others.

I'm also questioning my wanting to be a psychologist now-- I just want to help people (is that a hero program?)

Thank you so much for all your input, it has given me much food for thought.

Most psychologists choose the profession because they either want power over others or they know they are seriously sick and can't tell anyone so they want to solve it themselves.

Okay, I'm oversimplifying, but that does seem to be the main motivation of MOST of the professional psychs I have known or read about.

Looking in another direction, there are quite a few who are just fascinated by how the mind works and want to learn about it and somewhere along the way, they figure out they can help other people too (or not).

You might want to spend more time reading up on the subject on your own while you do your language studies. Working on yourself is a big plus, too.

 

[knowledge_of_self]

I'm questioning myself now about how I acted and what I said to her, why did I feel this need to help her in someway? Well... I feel that way in general about everyone, that's why I've decided to become a psychologist. I thought to myself, would this situation be different if I was a psychologist? Which the answer comes back -yes- because I would have a lot more knowledge. I just need to slow down right now and remind myself... you're just a student Nina-don't act like you know psychology. You have only just reached the threshold of this VAST topic of the mind and all the circumstances at play. You're still learning and you need to keep learning. Learn about your own mind, and how to help yourself, before extending yourself to others.

I'm also questioning my wanting to be a psychologist now-- I just want to help people (is that a hero program?)

Thank you so much for all your input, it has given me much food for thought.

Most psychologists choose the profession because they either want power over others or they know they are seriously sick and can't tell anyone so they want to solve it themselves.

Okay, I'm oversimplifying, but that does seem to be the main motivation of MOST of the professional psychs I have known or read about.

Looking in another direction, there are quite a few who are just fascinated by how the mind works and want to learn about it and somewhere along the way, they figure out they can help other people too (or not).

You might want to spend more time reading up on the subject on your own while you do your language studies. Working on yourself is a big plus, too.

Ok Laura, thank you so much for your advice. I will always be working on myself and will continue reading all the available material on here while I go to school for what I'm currently going (upgrading math) and after that I will be taking Part Time Japanese courses for sure. Then I'll just see what happens from there. I'm so glad I posted all of this here, it has helped me see/think of some things that otherwise I never would have.

 

[OzRich]

Most psychologists choose the profession because they either want power over others or they know they are seriously sick and can't tell anyone so they want to solve it themselves.

Okay, I'm oversimplifying, but that does seem to be the main motivation of MOST of the professional psychs I have known or read about.

Looking in another direction, there are quite a few who are just fascinated by how the mind works and want to learn about it and somewhere along the way, they figure out they can help other people too (or not).

That is so observant Laura. For a long time I thought that's the case with few psychs that I know.
Two of them turned their wives into zombies on psych meds, another one worked few weeks as a pro saying that she wanted to "better understand" what it's like, another one (fresh from uni) I lent couple of books on psychopathy over a year ago, and when I talked to her I realized she never read them, and recently she stopped answering my emails - I guess I lost the books...