Jakesully
Jedi
I told anart yesterday that I would take a break from posting at least until I could get a handle on what drives my narcissistic tendencies. But I think this is a very large piece of the puzzle.
I just had two dreams before I woke up.
In the first one, I was with some people, one who I recognized as E. C., a classmate of mine during my MOS school when I was in the Marines. We had this teacher, and we were apparently playing some form of football in the living room of the house where I grew up. At one point I decided that the teacher, who was an older woman and took on the role of some sort of substitute teacher, was being really "bitchy" towards me and I got belligerent. She told me to do something, and I forget what it was, but I told her instead that "No, I need to go outside and smoke a cigarette." So then I went outside and went to a chair that was at the end of the driveway at my house. There was money laying out in the chair, a lot of $20 bills and some change, some coins, some of which were Japanese Yen coins, and I wondered why this money was just sitting out in the open, so I started putting it away in my wallet. Then the dream apparently ended.
In the second dream, I was sitting with some friends at what reminded me of the base, 29 Palms, California, where I went to MOS School. I was rolling some cigarettes, and somehow they rolled up in such a way that there was a string of 10 or so of them, and they rolled up so large that they ended up being the size of cigars. I commented to someone "Yeah, the can of tobacco is a bit expensive (looked on the label and it was something like $63), but you end up with cigars. So then I apparently got up and walked down the road, and at one point I entered a building where there were a bunch of Marines rearranging furniture and random stuff, clearing a walkway. I was apparently just walking through. At one point, I apparently put on some coveralls like Air-Wingers wear, and continued on down the road (the road was on a downslope) until I entered another building. There, an officer came on deck. Someone shouted the standard command "Officer on deck" and we (there was a fairly large group of Marines standing around, some lower ranks, some Senior Staff-NCO's), so we stood at attention. I saluted, but someone told me not to salute. Something about the fact that we were in a group and only the leader of the group salutes the officer. So then the officer began talking and started coming around to inspect all the Marines present. For some reason we were all also shuffling to the left in a clockwise circle. Eventually, the officer, who was a black man, walked up to me. He called me a Private, and I looked down at my collar to find that I didn't have any rank insignia on. He asked, "What's your name, new Private?" I told him, "This Corporal's name is Corporal G." And so he began chewing me out for not wearing any rank insignia and asked what would be the best punishment for a Marine who forgot to wear his rank insignia. I told him, "To write out the rank structure and insignia." He replied, "Yes, but a better way to do it is to write out the rank structure and insignia synchronistically." Dream gibberish I didn't understand, but the basic point of it was that he was correcting me even in the manner that I wanted to correct myself. So then he dismissed me and I walked over to some guy to whom I had given a few of my things, to get them back from him. One girl was passing a note with a phone number on it, and I thought she was handing it to me, so I almost took it out of her hand, but when I realized the note wasn't for me, I stopped. Then the dream pretty much ended.
These two dreams made it clear to me that even though I've been out of the Marines for more than a year, I've still been carrying the programming of the role I took on when I was in the Marines: The Corporal. Brash, impatient, belligerent, egotistical, and also embarrassed whenever I got corrected. It's a mentality that if someone is correcting you, you're doing poorly, but if you're correcting someone else, you're a good Marine. Not to mention, part of the program was also the fact that I was hating life because I really didn't want to be in the Marines, to be in that role... because I knew that it was twisting my soul. I didn't want to be "there" or "here" or wherever I am. I wanted to run away and escape. That's why I've been acting this way on the Cassiopaea Forum, and really everywhere in my life. I've been trying to suppress or forget about this part of myself, but after five years, it became a deeply ingrained program. It's a program that I established in order to survive, but now since I'm out, I no longer need it. So I need to release it. And I think also, that this is why my neck and my shoulders are so constantly sore... possibly my back as well. They've been conditioned to stay in the "Position of Attention", even when I'm supposed to be relaxed.
Thanks in advance for reading, and any insights and comments.
I just had two dreams before I woke up.
In the first one, I was with some people, one who I recognized as E. C., a classmate of mine during my MOS school when I was in the Marines. We had this teacher, and we were apparently playing some form of football in the living room of the house where I grew up. At one point I decided that the teacher, who was an older woman and took on the role of some sort of substitute teacher, was being really "bitchy" towards me and I got belligerent. She told me to do something, and I forget what it was, but I told her instead that "No, I need to go outside and smoke a cigarette." So then I went outside and went to a chair that was at the end of the driveway at my house. There was money laying out in the chair, a lot of $20 bills and some change, some coins, some of which were Japanese Yen coins, and I wondered why this money was just sitting out in the open, so I started putting it away in my wallet. Then the dream apparently ended.
In the second dream, I was sitting with some friends at what reminded me of the base, 29 Palms, California, where I went to MOS School. I was rolling some cigarettes, and somehow they rolled up in such a way that there was a string of 10 or so of them, and they rolled up so large that they ended up being the size of cigars. I commented to someone "Yeah, the can of tobacco is a bit expensive (looked on the label and it was something like $63), but you end up with cigars. So then I apparently got up and walked down the road, and at one point I entered a building where there were a bunch of Marines rearranging furniture and random stuff, clearing a walkway. I was apparently just walking through. At one point, I apparently put on some coveralls like Air-Wingers wear, and continued on down the road (the road was on a downslope) until I entered another building. There, an officer came on deck. Someone shouted the standard command "Officer on deck" and we (there was a fairly large group of Marines standing around, some lower ranks, some Senior Staff-NCO's), so we stood at attention. I saluted, but someone told me not to salute. Something about the fact that we were in a group and only the leader of the group salutes the officer. So then the officer began talking and started coming around to inspect all the Marines present. For some reason we were all also shuffling to the left in a clockwise circle. Eventually, the officer, who was a black man, walked up to me. He called me a Private, and I looked down at my collar to find that I didn't have any rank insignia on. He asked, "What's your name, new Private?" I told him, "This Corporal's name is Corporal G." And so he began chewing me out for not wearing any rank insignia and asked what would be the best punishment for a Marine who forgot to wear his rank insignia. I told him, "To write out the rank structure and insignia." He replied, "Yes, but a better way to do it is to write out the rank structure and insignia synchronistically." Dream gibberish I didn't understand, but the basic point of it was that he was correcting me even in the manner that I wanted to correct myself. So then he dismissed me and I walked over to some guy to whom I had given a few of my things, to get them back from him. One girl was passing a note with a phone number on it, and I thought she was handing it to me, so I almost took it out of her hand, but when I realized the note wasn't for me, I stopped. Then the dream pretty much ended.
These two dreams made it clear to me that even though I've been out of the Marines for more than a year, I've still been carrying the programming of the role I took on when I was in the Marines: The Corporal. Brash, impatient, belligerent, egotistical, and also embarrassed whenever I got corrected. It's a mentality that if someone is correcting you, you're doing poorly, but if you're correcting someone else, you're a good Marine. Not to mention, part of the program was also the fact that I was hating life because I really didn't want to be in the Marines, to be in that role... because I knew that it was twisting my soul. I didn't want to be "there" or "here" or wherever I am. I wanted to run away and escape. That's why I've been acting this way on the Cassiopaea Forum, and really everywhere in my life. I've been trying to suppress or forget about this part of myself, but after five years, it became a deeply ingrained program. It's a program that I established in order to survive, but now since I'm out, I no longer need it. So I need to release it. And I think also, that this is why my neck and my shoulders are so constantly sore... possibly my back as well. They've been conditioned to stay in the "Position of Attention", even when I'm supposed to be relaxed.
Thanks in advance for reading, and any insights and comments.
