Two scary dreamstates and a sleepless night.

[Skipling]

Well, I had a really rough one last night. After a decent enough day, things started to go wrong when I sat down to watch Avatar on dvd about 7pm. I just couldn't focus on it, I was constantly distracted by odd pseudo quibbles of an abstract nature, just BS basically, but it irked me enough to give up on watching the flick after about an hour in. I went to sleep noticing a current pattern, which bugs me enough to put me off sleeping, and yes I am an insomniac, but recently, since giving up meds and doing belly breathing meditation on the E/E, thing have gotten easier.

Not last night though. The pattern begins as I drift off into an rem state, I start to hear rubbish chatter in my mind, like someone's just switched on the world's most useless radio station. Just unrelated words, pseudo words, work jargon, parabolic mumbo jumbo. I drifted off to sleep at 12 and woke at 4 in the morning with an awareness within me that I'd been hearing this pile of pants for 4 hours. Then I got up, smoked a fag in a real bad mood, because I felt knackered but I now had "the thinks", as I call them. Which is me stressing about how I'm gonna chill enough out to get back to sleep. That took me three hours. Then I drifted into dreamstate after breathing myself to sleep. It was an interaction with my niece, set in familiar surroundings, but somehow they felt different.


So we're just chatting in the dream, but my niece, a very clever streetwise girl, is really grilling me for something, but I'm just not quite able to remember what. :( But I do remember the conclusion, where I warn her about dating a psychopath in the future. At this point a great serpentine figure emerged in my dreamvision as the dream receded like a decreasing sphere into the lizzie's chest. I went to call him a vile name but suddenly the did a psychic hold on my hands and I fell like luke in Jedi, and then awoke in my bed, 7:28am, gripping my hands super tight and wincing with agony. Amazingly, I was so relieved not to be in that dream anymore, I chilled out immediately and went back to sleep. Then this happened: Suddenly I was walking down my town centre's high street in a very strutting, confrontational way, not the way I actually walk, which is more of a lope. But I feel like I'm being moved along, and the best I can do is to steer my body, shoulders, away from other people, and thus avoid any unpleasantness. But the force starts growling when it can't get me to knock into anyone. I hear him, as I swerve past people like a mazda mx5!!! ;D

And then the dream receded again, but now I wasn't viewing a lizzie in the distance, he was right in my face. I panicked, the dream was a crazy battle and now the gamesmaster is angry because he couldn't beat me. I gasped and awoke slightly, in that almost suffocating state when you're trying to wake up from a nightmare, but you can't reach the etheric surface! The lizzie looked just like a green skinned humanoid, a little like the villains in a nintendo game called starfox adventures, fwiw. I was very scared, but I went to "punch" him in the face with my mind, and then his head blew off in a brilliant white light. But he stood there without a head and set this webbed thing on me, electroparalysing my hands again. I fell in agony in my dreamstate, then awoke with painful wincing hands again, at about 8:30. I smoked a fag to calm down, then had to get up and go to work. I had to get this down while I could articulate it thoroughly.

I feel like I don't understand the nature of these interactions. They're scary, but I'm no stranger to wierd paranormal states, as I wrote as skystalker on here before, in 2006. You just get hard to them, it's like being a dream warrior where you have to keep your nerve. But all I do is stoically repress suffering and deal with losing these interactions, if you will. There must be something I am doing wrong in life that is being reflected in these dreams? These dreams aren't new, I've had them since 06 and an old member here, esoquest, picked me up on an old one, but his reading of it was way off the mark and too subjective. They're like tests of the will, but I feel like I'm not reacting to the situations in the correct fashion. I lose my cool, panic and wake up with terrible pains in my hands. I just don't know what to make of it. This is my god's honest truth folks. A real shocker of a morning.

Any advice on how to keep your cool in a nightmare would be truly appreciated. :)

 

[henry]

Skipling, are you taking any 5-HTP or melatonin? They might help you with your insomnia. You can read about it here.

Vivid dreams dealing with some underlying emotional blockages or issues can be the result of the EE, as well.

 

[Skipling]

Yes Galahad, I am taking melatonin, but not nightly. I'm looking into taking 5-HTP so I will look into the broken body clock thread, just brought it up in a tab, thanks! :)

There are definitely emotional and psychological issues causing me much anxiety in everyday life. A general lack of patience with myself and with others, and real problems dealing with people in life. I've become very pedantic in my mind, just getting picky with inconsistencies with myself and others in what they say and do. I find myself having to remind myself to breathe properly, not that I'm saying I can breathe properly yet. ;) Interestingly, this morning I awoke to feelings of inner conflict and turmoil, and proceeded to get the ipod out to listen to Laura's meditation piece. I began breathing very deeply, and more quickly than normally too. Not hyperventilating, though. I felt fairly quickly a surge of relaxing energy going through my right side, arm and leg, and indeed the whole body, but my right side struggles so the sensation was felt more prevalently there. Quite often the area around the right side of my ribcage hurts, usually in accordance with very negative thoughts. These I have to face. I'm correct in assuming this may be a left brain hemisphere issue?

Some thoughts came immediately to mind as I searched for the reason for this suffering; they came as words, faith, confidence, will, energy, empathy. And deep down I know I have been struggling with these facets all my life, typical introject stuff.

Also, I recognise finally my problems with intimacy, trusting people, being honest with myself and others. Despite having a fair few friends I have no real close ones, and as a consequence, and due to the nature of my interests (which are fairly narrow) have left me feeling pretty lonely most of the time, and very lonely at certain moments. I think this is an emotional undercurrent that needs to be looked at and not dismissed out of hand, as I have done before.

There's also a psychological problem now, because although as I stated my sleeping has much improved, it doesn't take this annoying babble from my mind. Sometimes as a consequence I dread going to sleep, but far less so in recent months.

I think you are right though, there are emotions going deep that I can only perceive a crack of at the moment, and I need to probe deeper to find out what my problem is, what I'm repressing and why, and then do something about it. I think I really need to open myself up and have a good objective look if I can, but it's proving harder than I imagined. I see it, I'm just so bloody cagey, fearful of disapproval, but I need to have a real good look at this.

 

[Skipling]

I have had another thought filled night's sleep. I bought some 5-HTP yesterday, and am now making steps towards changing my diet, purchasing buckwheat flour so I can finally overcome my dependence on bread. I appreciate it's going to take some time, maybe far longer than I would like it to take, to gain some semblance of normality in my mind.

I have also plucked up the courage, due to reading the posts of abstract, to finally give up the dreaded pot. I have been an addict, very dependent, for the best part of eleven years. The universe (DCM?) has been not so subtly trying to rouse me out of my denial and quit this stuff, and now finally I have the courage to do so. I have been using it as a crutch to deal with my despair with other issues in my life, with only temporary relief, and even that has been receding greatly. Thought loops abound, mostly about sexual guilt and emotional problems relating to same. I've also noticed, as abstract did, that it is mainly the ego that takes over then, with a false feeling of security and confidence which fades swiftly. I feel like I have been very stubborn in my denial of the harm I have been causing myself, so it has been One day and counting for a clean approach to life. It mucks with my thought processes, making it very difficult to concentrate reading.

There is also another problem which I am working on which I haven't broached on here before; I am caught with multiple accent syndrome, as I call it, whereby I pronounce words in two different ways, as I was anglicised by my ten years or so living in England. Simple things like "cl-ass" or "cl-arse" (sorry no dirty mirth intended), but it is annoying, and betrays a mind that chameleonically adopted other pronunciations in order to fit in, or seem more clever, betraying my genuine low self esteem and lack of confidence, particularly going back to my early twenties. I have to work out what this means in my mind now, and to find out which accent resonates with truth. This could be a long process. I may start another thred on this because it is really playing on my mind now.

I also certainly have discerned a jealous streak, envying people who are making more progress than myself, because of the self annoyance I feel after wasting so much time, especially in the last four years, never giving this Work my all! But because I know the reason why it is far easier to deal with. I can only grow at my own natural pace; it has taken me many years to realise this. I also struggle with observation slipping into identification, but for a relative newbie I guess this is natural.

So, a lot of work to do, and vigilance also in order to not succomb to despair again, as I have so many times before.

 

[henry]

I have had another thought filled night's sleep. I bought some 5-HTP yesterday, and am now making steps towards changing my diet, purchasing buckwheat flour so I can finally overcome my dependence on bread. I appreciate it's going to take some time, maybe far longer than I would like it to take, to gain some semblance of normality in my mind.

[...]

So, a lot of work to do, and vigilance also in order to not succomb to despair again, as I have so many times before.

Skipling, yes, it will be a long road to get your body where it needs to be, to change the brain chemistry that it all out of whack. And, yes, it’ll probably take " far longer than I would like it to take”. Been there. Done that. :)

But if you stick with it, you will see improvements all along the way. You will feel the changes. Believe me, it is worth it! You’ll notice the physical improvements first, I think. You’ll have more energy, less aches and pains. The brain chemistry takes longer to work itself out. But with EE, I think you’ll be feeling better emotionally before too long. If you keep at it every day! :)

So don’t get discouraged. If one day you fall off the good diet wagon, just put yourself back on it.

 

[Skipling]

I have had another thought filled night's sleep. I bought some 5-HTP yesterday, and am now making steps towards changing my diet, purchasing buckwheat flour so I can finally overcome my dependence on bread. I appreciate it's going to take some time, maybe far longer than I would like it to take, to gain some semblance of normality in my mind.

[...]

So, a lot of work to do, and vigilance also in order to not succomb to despair again, as I have so many times before.

Skipling, yes, it will be a long road to get your body where it needs to be, to change the brain chemistry that it all out of whack. And, yes, it’ll probably take " far longer than I would like it to take”. Been there. Done that. :)

But if you stick with it, you will see improvements all along the way. You will feel the changes. Believe me, it is worth it! You’ll notice the physical improvements first, I think. You’ll have more energy, less aches and pains. The brain chemistry takes longer to work itself out. But with EE, I think you’ll be feeling better emotionally before too long. If you keep at it every day! :)

So don’t get discouraged. If one day you fall off the good diet wagon, just put yourself back on it.

Thank you again Galahad, your words are very encouraging. Due to domestic arrangements it will be difficult for me to put the dietry changes into any semblance of full effect. Cutting out the main poisons is my priority. Patience under duress also inorder to not fall back into my old habits, which are largely predicated by despair. So often I just feel useless, almost like I've become a child again, but at least there is a genuine effort to emerge from the bubble. I used to think I was so clever, but it was just ego masking the awareness beneath, within.

It's like emerging from trauma. I now see and understand why laura calls us the walking wounded.

My computer has been down for a week; my god I've missed you all here! My underlying issues I think "caused" the disruption so I could take some time to reflect. I've got real bitterness about my life and a genuine conflict of interest on the sexual/emotional level. I think I will do well to put my thoughts on that subject into the swamp page. I just wanted to say thank you, and with perserverance perhaps I'll really make the psychological breakthrough I need. :)

 

[Skipling]

I finally have plucked up the courage to face the issues which have been blighting my life, which are the emotional blockages which Galahad alluded to previously. Thank you again Galahad for your gentle encouragement.

The pattern of conflict is sooooo distracting, and makes most efforts to work in a consistent fashion patchy at best. And I am winning the war with my pot addiction, because I am beginning to truly see that it did, and does, absolutely nothing to help me to know myself and my problems, largely speaking all it did was mask them. And by the end feel like a mad puppet.

The ego would say that everything is alright, but it was just a transient feeling of relief, with no real lasting effects. I have been so ruddy stubborn in refusing to face this sooner. I would honestly like to apologise to the DCM for blocking this awareness out of my consciousness, so keen was I to have my jollies while paying lip-service to the work and doing close to nothing.

For a long time I have thought that I was brain damaged in some way, but the results of a recent MRI scan has put my soul at ease, as I got an all clear last week. The relief was incredible, but then it gave way to the thought, "So what is causing all this internal suffering?"

And through the E/E I discovered more confirmation of a worry that has been in me for years, but one that I didn't want to face up to. And that is my sexual orientation. To be honest, I have chosen to take a pragmatic route and understand how my sexual inclinations have caused me a whole lot of trouble and despair over about the same length of time that I have been hobbling on my toker's crutch. You see, I have felt emotional pain over the guilt I have over my failed relationship, and also agonised over whether it is because I may have had latent homosexual feelings under the surface. These came up to bite me in recent years, particularly since 2006, and led me to question my sexual identity. The ego has complained and complained about loneliness and the need, desire, for a new relationship, perhaps to make amends for the failure of my previous one, and only one. But it is normal to feel this, I think, because it is a perfectly normal desire. But I've had to rationalise big time, because my limited social life precludes much likelihood for love. And I know that socialising to look for love is putting the cart before the horse, and is a selfish motivation. A classic program.

And yet the sleeplessness continues; I know I should not be obsessing over romantic love, that if it is in any way in my destiny then it is love that will find me, not the other way around. I am sorry if this sounds like a letter for an agony aunt but by and large this has been bugging me for over half a decade, so I have to face up to it. I just so want to lose the baggage of guilt that I have because of the sleazy sexual omnivore that I was for so many years, although it was only in my mind. I want to cleanse, but not end up a repressed moralist, which was my method in the past, which failed to deal with the deeper issue, which is a question of sexual identity. I just want to be able to let it go and stop worrying about it, but it has proven to be quite a difficult task.

 

[Skipling]

I also think that this is a battle between tendencies, between the part of me which "wants" to stay the way I am, or have been, and the part of me which wants to grow in every sense. I have been very silly in thinking it was just about one thing. Obsession? maybe. I just didn't want to sweep it under the carpet.