What will I do? written 17-03-97

[Fester]

What will I do
with the love in my heart
if I build another wall?

What will I do
with the feelings I can't
share with any at all?

Shall I push them under
hide them away
and crush them under my heel?

But if things I desire
come by my way
will I be able to feel?

Of course I will-
that part of me will survive

Somehow, some way,
I will keep my feelings alive

'til I find the one who will let
the love inside me bloom

But until that day
my heart will still stay
locked in its tiny room

And the passion it bleeds
is fuel, and it feeds
the fire that burns in my brain

but the ash left behind
is despair, and I find
desperation drives you slowly insane

So down I fly
deeper and deeper
into the cosmos of my mind

Staring into the darkness
to see what is there
and afraid of what I may find

Because things can be hidden
in the hearts of men
that are terrifying to comprehend

Is it any wonder
that dealing with this
is driving me 'round the bend?

The things I could do
the things people have done
the things that they might do to me

These fears make me fail
they lock my heart in a gaol-
fearful of setting it free

So I wander along
these roads that I choose
wondering where they lead, and I hope

that I don't end up going
insane from loneliness
or dancing on the end of a rope

So on I wander
and these thoughts I ponder
these, and more, without end

And try to find people who will
make this trudge less uphill-
ones who are truly my friend.

************************************************

I have a bunch of finished poems. This is one of the oldest, but is the one that most people have told me is the best of them.

Please let me know what you think... love it, hate it, all opinions welcome.

 

[primechild]

Parts that resonate with me

[quote author=Fester]
Staring into the darkness
to see what is there
and afraid of what I may find

Because things can be hidden
in the hearts of men
that are terrifying to comprehend

Is it any wonder
that dealing with this
is driving me 'round the bend?

The things I could do
the things people have done
the things that they might do to me

These fears make me fail
they lock my heart in a gaol-
fearful of setting it free

So I wander along
these roads that I choose
wondering where they lead, and I hope

that I don't end up going
insane from loneliness
or dancing on the end of a rope

So on I wander
and these thoughts I ponder
these, and more, without end

And try to find people who will
make this trudge less uphill-
ones who are truly my friend.[/quote]

First impression was "misrepresentation of love/soul mate" poem (me generalizing ;) ).
After mulling it over...

• Is it about finding your group, a trusted circle of people to help you grow? ( Also it could be me projecting.)
• Or is it finding friends with common interest and goals in general?

learned a new word: gaol - a correctional institution used to detain persons who are in the lawful custody of the government
_http://www.thefreedictionary.com/gaol

 

[Fester]

Thanx for your feedback kokiri :)

None of those, really. Mainly a reflection on my isolation and loneliness. I used poetry to help me work through a lot of stuff, and this one came straight out like automatic writing, kind of, so it's hard to say.
I write, then analyze it. Some of what I've written I'm not sure I understand myself. I intend to post some more, but most of it's pretty dark, dealing with depression, loneliness, isolation, suicidal thoughts, and the constant ache for love and support that I have never really had.
I put this one on as I feel it's one of my best efforts, and others who've read more say the same.
I used 'gaol' instead of 'jail' (same pronunciation) just because it feels more poetic and evocative to me. Also 'cos it's an "olde worlde" sort of word.

Actually, come to think, it is about finding people I can love and trust to help me grow. I never looked at it that way before, really. Maybe I posted it here because I feel like I've found a bunch of people (here) that have also been staring into their own personal darkness in order to learn from it, and who understand that grappling with personal demons is not "negative" or "depressive" but a necessary trial in order to be truly positive and stop the depression that comes from not facing the internal dark places.

Points to ponder....
Thanx again!

 

[SMM]

I'm a year late, but this poem greatly resonates with me too...for some time now.

Living on my own tends to make it feel even more isolating & lonely &, besides family, there's scarcely anyone [physically, in person] that I interact with/feel part of/in unity/'group mind'; a trusted circle of people to help with growth. I feel as if I stick out like a sore thumb in groups - individuated to the point I don't deem myself a true component of its functions, or completely losing my sense of identity or self to the group's identity.

Acquaintances & similar interests are plenty, yes, but I don't know anyone interested in The Work/C's in real life. Not that they have to be. Some people aren't wired to find/develop through groups & networking.

Could you explain what you mean by "constant ache for love and support that I have never really had?" The poem rings in such harmony with something here...I've formatted parts of your reply that set bells off in my head. Very nice to find this :)

Thanx for your feedback kokiri :)

None of those, really. Mainly a reflection on my isolation and loneliness. I used poetry to help me work through a lot of stuff, and this one came straight out like automatic writing, kind of, so it's hard to say.
I write, then analyze it. Some of what I've written I'm not sure I understand myself. I intend to post some more, but most of it's pretty dark, dealing with depression, loneliness, isolation, suicidal thoughts, and the constant ache for love and support that I have never really had.
I put this one on as I feel it's one of my best efforts, and others who've read more say the same.
I used 'gaol' instead of 'jail' (same pronunciation) just because it feels more poetic and evocative to me. Also 'cos it's an "olde worlde" sort of word.

Actually, come to think, it is about finding people I can love and trust to help me grow. I never looked at it that way before, really. Maybe I posted it here because I feel like I've found a bunch of people (here) that have also been staring into their own personal darkness in order to learn from it, and who understand that grappling with personal demons is not "negative" or "depressive" but a necessary trial in order to be truly positive and stop the depression that comes from not facing the internal dark places.

Points to ponder....
Thanx again!

 

[Fester]

hey dikiitanetsdooshi, thanks for the feedback :)

In answer to your question, "Could you explain what you mean by "constant ache for love and support that I have never really had?"", I'm referring to the fact that my mother was very aloof, as if children to her were a job, a chore that needed to be done. Being a great questioner all my life and never satisfied with "Take my word for it" in any of its variations, I (internally) questioned the validity of my mother's love, as she was very, well, STS I guess. She firmly believed in the right of retribution- if you hurt her she would hurt you in return with interest no matter who you were. I rebelled against the 'unfairness' by acting out classic attention-seeking behaviour, which of course happened at school as well. With my intelligence and stubborness, I really was a right little b*****d lol
This led me to having no real friends, as I have always felt a vague contempt for anyone that doesn't think for themselves, so where most kids making a smart-ass reply to the teacher gets the class laughing, I never did. It was if the other children could sense that I was sneering at them as well.
Added to this was that my mother took me away from my father at 18 months of age, and my stepfather, though rather intelligent and open-minded (or seemingly) was also rather callous and cruel to the point of abuse. (I wasn't abused as such, just that the discipline was over the boundary). I did learn a lot from him though, even if most of it was learning why what I learnt was wrong.
I ended up in Baltara boy's reception ("juvie" for the yanks) at the age of 9 after my mother "divorced" me by filing for "irreconcilable differences" at the children's court.
I guess I learned (or was born knowing) that only what is real is important, and all that is real is truth and love and have been searching for both all my life. I guess I was trying to find the path of "the Fourth Way" all along, and never really knew it til I found these sites. I knew as a teenager that searching for truth in a world of deception makes one a pariah, and that's pretty much what I've been all my life. And I'm glad for it- everything is lessons, and learning is fun!

Well I didn't intend to be so verbose in my answer, so I hope I answered your question

 

[ajseph 21]

It's nice to hear about your life's journey Fester, and I would have to say that loneliness and depression are great stepping stones for growth ( it's a topic that's been discussed on the forum). The last few lines showed me an inner strength because despite the despair you say you will continue to search for true friends. I like that. :)

 

[Fester]

It's nice to hear about your life's journey Fester, and I would have to say that loneliness and depression are great stepping stones for growth ( it's a topic that's been discussed on the forum). The last few lines showed me an inner strength because despite the despair you say you will continue to search for true friends. I like that. :)

Thank you :)

Going to post a couple more that seem to reflect my search for the 4th way long before I knew what it was