What if I am STS

Thanks Perceval. I will take your words to heart and get coffee outta my life. I've felt that necessary, but oh what a procrastinator I am.!.!.! I just gotta go through the headaches then. I've had more serious withdrawl symptoms before. Coffee, Doritos and Junk Food used to be my foodstuff staples when I was an on the road contract programmer. I have improved the food intake quality, through effort. Since I have my alcoholism pretty much in remission, I've hung onto what I consider the last of my KNOWN vices. THANKS for the push.

At least you ain't telling to quit smoking. :cool2: :cool2: :cool2: I really don't think I could. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Something popped into my thoughts I need to ask what others think. Does continual work, seemingly never ending attempts at self-improvement matter in the STO percentage needed for progression?

Seems I gain something (knowledge?) only to slip, fall, and have to start over again. If one keeps trying, and trying, and trying, just to fall back... Perhaps this is lack of conviction? Is this the predator mind? Most likely. But damn it, it seems like MY mind, MY thoughts. Does this intent, this continuous, relentless Work at trying, Working to understand the truth of our existence matter and overcome these mechanical programs and all these little predator "i"s, matter? I mean, I understand one must apply knowledge, but seems that when progress forward is made, a hole develops in my path and am diverted from my goals.

Gaining mental knowledge and mastery of the body is of utmost importance, but is there a place for intent of the heart? When I think of knowledge gained, I think of passing some sort of written exam. That's a lot of pressure, to me. What if one studies, studies, and studies more, but can't pass the written exam? What then happens?

In writing this I seem to find answers. I KNOW I GOTTA DO THIS MYSELF, but group support is helpful, so I'm gonna post this.
Even with all the "I"s scattered throught this selfish post.
 
Red said:
To an even greater extent however, my reticence to actively participate on the forum has been due to precisely the kind of thoughts and feelings [Al Today has] expressed - I have been aware of a paralysing concern / fear that I am STS or even worse a psychopath, something which has given me much to reflect upon and attempt to be aware of.

Regarding habitual (ie. mechanical) thoughts along these lines - as opposed to shock or horror at Seeing oneself for a bit - there is an old article that used to be online among the QFS Journal postings that I found some time ago on an online archive (which is here: _http://cassiopaea.crystunix.com/qfs/qfs_journal.htm).

I'll quote it below:

Am I an Organic Portal?" by "G.S. said:
PD Ouspensky: "Daydreaming is absolutely the opposite of 'useful' mental activity. Observation of the activity of imagination and daydreaming forms a very important part of self-study." [1]

Am I an Organic Portal? Am I a psychopath ? Am I an agent of the matrix? A predator? Am I this? Am I that? What do others think of me?
These are questions that may be raised in the mind by our exploration of the material here on Cassiopaea. Many of the subjects presented are new and challenging to us, we may have no frame of reference for them, no experiences to compare them to, and very often no one to guide us other than ourselves.

Though there is nothing wrong in posing the question: "Am I an organic portal?", we must take care not to let imagination run away with us. To 'think with a hammer' and work one's way towards an answer is one thing. To let the mind wander off 'unattended' with such thoughts, is to slip even deeper into the unconscious state of 'waking sleep'.

The aim of this short piece is to illustrate how imagination and the habits of mechanical behavior, are capable of filling our minds with the most elaborate and convincing of scenarios, or equally of filling them with trivial nonsense. Both serving only as obstacles on the path to objective truth, distractions created within to keep us under control.
So you think you're thoughts are you're own?

Just for moment, think of a popular song or tune, the kind that gets stuck in your head and goes round and around for no reason. Got one yet? No? OK why not try "Y.M.C.A." by the Village People, the theme tune to your kids favorite TV show, or maybe that annoying commercial that you just can't stop yourself repeating once you've heard it. Why are we doing this? Well, the unconscious act of repeating these things, suddenly singing "Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." to yourself for no reason is an example of passive thought, of the unattended imagination in action.

The day might start like this: You get into the shower in the morning and suddenly your singing "Maybe Baby" by Buddy Holly and the Crickets. Where did it come from? By the time you get to making the coffee you might be whistling the theme tune from "Sesame Street". On the drive to work its turned into a Bruce Springsteen tune. Why? You don't even like Bruce Sporingsteen! You haven't heard half of these tunes for years, they just appear as if by magic! As if someone were tuning your mind into different radio stations. "Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." Yeah, yeah. OK, we get the point.

Needless worrying, identifying, negative thinking can also be examples of imagination. You get into the shower in the morning and suddenly your worrying "Am I an organic Portal?", by the time you get to making the coffee you might be asking "Am I a psychopath?" On the drive to work its turned into: "Am I an agent of the matrix?, or, do I exhibit the Predators Mind?". Who do you think is is tuning in the radio here?
So, why do we think these things? What is their purpose? Have we decided to consciously look into these subjects, try and draw objective conclusions, or do they just appear? If the answer is "they just appear", well that's imagination for you; it has a life of its own. Imagination doesn't stop to ask you if you mind it using your brain and energy in this way, it just does what it does best and keeps turning that dial to our favorite DJ's on radio "S.L.E.E.P"

When we think in repetitive ways, or thoughts just seem to pop into our heads, more often than not its imagination, passive thinking, mechanical thinking; thoughts that are not of our choosing. We think them to be our own, to be very real and pressing issues that must have our attention, we expand them, weaving impossible webs of confusion. Or worse, perhaps, we think them to be positive, fantastic, creative thoughts, insights, messages from beyond, thoughts that we begin to build our lives around. "Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." Yet we never stop to ask where the thoughts come from.

Now why do you suppose we are made this way? Why would we have this in built function that we can't seem to turn off? Remember, we are food. Our uncontrollable worrying and stressing, the thoughts that are not our own, provide a negative energy food source for 4D STS.
This kind of thinking also serves as a block on the possibility of conscious thought, it clouds the mind making it harder to get to a point where one might stand back and take an objective view. As long as we allow our minds to wander off 'unattended' in this way, in a state of day dreaming, we will be no nearer to finding truth and the answers to our questions.

"Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." I think not..! You get the idea by now, its only fun if you CHOOSE to go there.

P.D. Ouspensky writes: "The second dangerous feature he finds in himself is imagination. Very soon after starting his observation of himself he comes to the conclusion that the chief obstacle to observation is imagination. He wishes to observe something, but instead of that, imagination starts in him on the same subject, and he forgets about observation. Very soon he realizes that people ascribe to the word "imagination" a quite artificial and quite undeserved meaning in the sense of creative or selective faculty. He realizes that imagination is a destructive faculty, that he can never control it, and that it always carries him away from his more conscious decisions in a direction in which he had no intention of going. Imagination is almost as bad as lying; it is, in fact, lying to oneself. Man starts to imagine something in order to please himself, and very soon he begins to believe what he imagines, or at least some of it..."

"The difficulties he has in observing these four manifestations--lying, imagination, the expression of negative emotions, and unnecessary talking--will show man his utter mechanicalness, and the impossibility even of struggling against this mechanicalness without help, that is, without new knowledge and without actual assistance. For even if a man has received certain material, he forgets to use it, forgets to observe himself; in other words, he falls asleep again..." [2]

In the above passage Ouspensky mentions also the expression of negative emotions. Automatic 'remembered' or 'reflexive' emotions can behave in much the same way as the "Y.M.C.A." illustration shows us the mechanical habits of imagination. They form another part of the unconscious system created in us to maintain the food supply to 4D STS.

When we act in a passive 'reactive' or 'reflexive' manner, emotions are brought to the surface that we have no control over, again we think they are real, yet they may only be an automatic habit, a feeling recalled from a 'memory bank' of emotions that we have become accustomed to expressing.

It is necessary therefore to examine ones automatic 'thoughts' and 'emotions' in much the same way as one would the singing of silly songs for no reason, it is the same mechanical process, the same block on objectivity, the same source of food for the matrix. Can you see any difference between the automatic thought "Am I an organic portal" and singing "Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." to yourself in the shower?

Next time you catch yourself automatically thinking a silly thing, or you find yourself worrying, or experiencing negative emotions, stop for a minute and ask yourself: "Where did this thought/feeling really come from?"

So, back to our original question: "Am I an Organic Portal?" For my part I will say that I don't know if I am or not. But I do know that it is better for me to work and make efforts to think for myself, and maybe find answers, rather than live in my imagination dreaming that I might be an OP. The daydreams may still come, but not so often, and not with the same potential to create emotional food for 4D STS.

If you don't use your mind, it will use you. Knowledge Protects.

[1] PD Ouspensky "In Search of the Miraculous," p 111
[2] PD Ouspensky "Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution," p 47-50
 
Red, I understand and appreciate what you've said.

[quote author=Carlos Castaneda]
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same"

“Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore, a warrior must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if he feels that he should not follow it, he must not stay with it under any conditions. His decision to keep on that path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. He must look at every path closely and deliberately. There is a question that a warrior has to ask, mandatorily: ‘Does this path have a heart?’”

“We hardly ever realize that we can cut anything out of our lives, anytime, in the blink of an eye.”

“We talk to ourselves incessantly about our world. In fact we maintain our world with our internal talk. And whenever we finish talking to ourselves about ourselves and our world, the world is always as it should be. We renew it, we rekindle it with life, we uphold it with our internal talk. Not only that, but we also choose our paths as we talk to ourselves. Thus we repeat the same choices over and over until the day we die, because we keep on repeating the same internal talk over and over until the day we die. A warrior is aware of this and strives to stop his internal talk.”

“A warrior must learn to make every act count, since he is going to be here in this world for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it.”
[/quote]
 
Al Today said:
Does this intent, this continuous, relentless Work at trying, Working to understand the truth of our existence matter and overcome these mechanical programs and all these little predator "i"s, matter? I mean, I understand one must apply knowledge, but seems that when progress forward is made, a hole develops in my path and am diverted from my goals.

Gaining mental knowledge and mastery of the body is of utmost importance, but is there a place for intent of the heart?

Al, my experience seems to indicate that the sincere, moment-by-moment choices and efforts are what matters most, not necessarily the mistakes.


--Edit:

Csayeursost said:
As if someone were tuning your mind into different radio stations.
...
When we think in repetitive ways, or thoughts just seem to pop into our heads, more often than not its imagination, passive thinking, mechanical thinking; thoughts that are not of our choosing. We think them to be our own, to be very real and pressing issues that must have our attention, we expand them, weaving impossible webs of confusion. Or worse, perhaps, we think them to be positive, fantastic, creative thoughts, insights, messages from beyond, thoughts that we begin to build our lives around. "Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." Yet we never stop to ask where the thoughts come from.



Csayeursost, thank you for that post. It's a timely reminder for me.
 
Al Today said:
Thanks Perceval. I will take your words to heart and get coffee outta my life. I've felt that necessary, but oh what a procrastinator I am.!.!.!

Hi Al,

Here's a technique that I have used in the past that seems to work to get that type of change (in this case getting rid of coffee) accomplished:
you visualize now that 6 months from now (or whichever is realistic get get this accomplished) you will be looking back at now and think how you were still drinking coffee, you were contemplating quitting, how that made you feel, how you looked forward to stopping, etc.
It's like setting an appointment in the calendar of your mind.


Writing down the quitting coffee thing as a goal and may also help you focus your mind to get this done.

Dominique
 
Hi Al, thanks for not deleting the post to this thread.
Al Today said:
I wrote this document and heavily considered deletion, but I said, what the hell, let it go…
if you did, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to read all these insights into the self-doubts that it seems most, if not all of us have in this forum in regards to
Am I an Organic Portal? Am I a psychopath ? Am I an agent of the matrix? A predator? Am I this? Am I that? What do others think of me?

What you wrote resonated with me deeply, because they are things that have and still do pass through my mind. Not always passing through mind you, some sticking like glue that just did not want to let go.

When I first read about Organic Portals, it consumed me for over a month. I couldn't let go of the idea that I might be an OP, and that I might not have a soul. It shook me to my core, and I frantically searched for reasons why I wasn't one, yet could only come up with reasons why I was.

The same thing with being STS. Although if we really are STS to the core, then why the internal struggle, why the constant need to NOT want to be like that, yet giving in to the thought that we have no choice but to be like that. At times I thought I was meant to be STS and that it was just the universe's way of balancing out. That somebody has to be STS, I guess it's going to be me.

These thoughts and ideas have consumed me on numerous occasions, and to such an extent than what I'm willing to write on here. I can't count the amount of times I've given up, or wanted to give up, and fall back asleep, wishing I didn't know what I now know. But it's too late for that now, once we pass certain barriers or stages in development, we have to keep going. Its rough waters out there, but at least, if we can unify our objectives and aims, we'll be paddling together... :cool2:

Balberon said:
What if the wave just passed and my selfishness left me at 49% STO instead of the minimum 51%? Things like that and the measurements it would take are beyond my comprehension and I wonder why I allow programs to waste time and create such idiotic worries within myself. If I listen to such thoughts they cause me to be tossed around like a leaf on a breeze.

Great Quote.
 
DanielS's post above and Quote from: Balberon
What if the wave just passed and my selfishness left me at 49% STO instead of the minimum 51%? Things like that and the measurements it would take are beyond my comprehension and I wonder why I allow programs to waste time and create such idiotic worries within myself. If I listen to such thoughts they cause me to be tossed around like a leaf on a breeze.
somehow made me remember the following part in Chapter 4 of Wave 1:
(Question from audience) In all the varying transitions between 1st and 6th density, does any soul every perish, or become extinguished?
A: No.
(T) We asked about this at several points. Apparently all souls began at the same point in "time", and will be returned to 7th density at the same time. "No new souls are being created, and no souls are ever destroyed, they merely change from state to state according to their "lesson profile", or they have learned or need to learn and experience. (L). Yeah. That's the good news; here is the bad news: those that don't graduate to 4th density on this pass of the wave get to do 3rd density all over again, in its entire cycle. [Laughter]

It is hard to grasp HOW it is so but I kind of touch with What Universe IS by exploring the meaning of "(all souls) will be returned to 7th density at the same time".

After all, what we each (THIS specific 'localization' in time and space) can DO is really to FACE the reality in front of us to LEARN the specific lesson given to each one by one.


edit: added the following link
Searched for the same quote in the Forum, then found the Soul thread.
The quote was on this post.
 
Al Today said:
Seems I gain something (knowledge?) only to slip, fall, and have to start over again. If one keeps trying, and trying, and trying, just to fall back... Perhaps this is lack of conviction? Is this the predator mind? Most likely. But damn it, it seems like MY mind, MY thoughts. Does this intent, this continuous, relentless Work at trying, Working to understand the truth of our existence matter and overcome these mechanical programs and all these little predator "i"s, matter?

fwiw when I was trying to tackle my depression before finding SOTT, I learnt about falling down. I learnt that whenever I fell down it was because I had reached a point where I needed to know something about myself, but (looking back I now see) had stopped looking....and had probably drifted into imagination/sleep
Once I realised I'd fallen down, I'd start looking/analysing/observing again and I'd pick up.......it got to the point where I could tell I was heading for a fall, so would remind myself to look within to see what was going on.
In the context of the Work I now use the falls/sense of about to fall as an alarm clock (it doesn't always work mind). I've got better and better at not falling, by keeping the flow of learning up. So to me falling is no bad thing, infact its actually quite positive if used correctly. At least this is my current understanding anyway.

Thanks for posting that article Csayeursost its very timely for myself as well, as I have a very strong imagination osit.....hmm
I've also had those thoughts (Am I an OP/psychopath etc) go round and round and round in my head more than once.......that and I've had songs stuck in my head on repeat for days now!

DanielS said:
These thoughts and ideas have consumed me on numerous occasions
Am I an Organic Portal?" by "G.S. said:
Remember, we are food. Our uncontrollable worrying and stressing, the thoughts that are not our own, provide a negative energy food source for 4D STS.

The more I learn the more I see meanings in words/phrases that where hidden to me before, that describe the situation exactly. When you say you are Consumed by something (thoughts, emotions....) you are more than likely literally being consumed at that very moment by 4D STS.....

Al Today said:
Something popped into my thoughts I need to ask what others think. Does continual work, seemingly never ending attempts at self-improvement matter in the STO percentage needed for progression?

Well, those thoughts have consumed me too.....in the end I've decided to have an aim/sub aims and try to have no expectation of outcome. I know where I want to head, as to weather I'll get there or not? I try not to let that consume me....instead I use the horror of the idea of not making it as fuel to drive me towards my goal.
A quote I read from Ark some time ago summed it up perfectly to me, and I try and keep it in mind as best I can.

Ark said:
If you need five lives to accomplish what you WANT, let this be the first of those five. And then, without any "time obligation" or "should stressing" - start it. First step first. And ENJOY it. And LOVE yourself - take care of yourself. This is the only thing that the Universe wants from you, I think.
 
Al Today said:
Something popped into my thoughts I need to ask what others think. Does continual work, seemingly never ending attempts at self-improvement matter in the STO percentage needed for progression?

Hi All,

As I see it only essence or real self can be STO, so working could, if it is in your destiny set free the essence wich is really capable of doing consciouss choices.

I think we have also to take into account that for the most part of human beings to get total free from the blindness of ego is so difficult, as we are in a world where freedom has become forced choices by ignorance and handling of 4th density.
That is why fourth density may be a “fair battlefield” where humans have access to the truth if it's their choice.

What seems to me that never ends is not “the work” but the growth of essence wich has chosen to be the manifested side of God once acceptated and integrated the opposite as a part of itself.
 
First, I have a program that needs to Thank You all who participated in discussing my selfish “problems”. In retrospect, I think I know many answers to the questions posed. Somehow, that emotional “i” that whines, reaches out, like a puppy that wants attention surfaced. That ego trip for attention and validation. That distraction from the truth that tries to trick me into giving up. I am grateful for this network..

Back in June 2001, I had no idea what the word esoteric meant. No clue with no reason to look it up. Then… I happened across Laura’s work and have been learning ever since. Including Laura’s work, I have come across countless authors and countless subjects. This is the greatest school/study hall on Earth. The information is available, IF YOU CHOOSE. The network of collective intelligence here is available for classroom discussion so as to keep you armed with an up to date roadmap to knowledge, IF YOU CHOOSE. And this forum is a godsend, chock full of information. I would grasp a concept, file it away and move on to another. So much too learn… I have yet been able to pull all that information into memory at once. I think my head would “blow”. So much information, much can appear to, or seems to be unrelated to each other. But NO…

“Connecting the Dots”. Yep, this happens. A term popped into my head and is just now coalescing, coming together, the Dots are Being Connected. The term is “Fragmented Soul Group”. This alleviates my greatest fear. Gives me strength and understanding. I only hope to retain these thoughts that I no longer worry about losing my individuality, “die” so to speak. I’m not gonna die. To start off, I was never “ME”.!.!.! I’m just one teensy weensy part and portion of a higher cosmic intelligence of which I still do not comprehend. I cannot tell you how many times I have come across that Fragmentation concept. Although interesting, the concept never “clicked”, until now. Within one post, effort on my part to explain the whole concept of this fragmentation is fruitless. The information is out there. In pieces and parts but the information is there. Eventually all those informative tidbits can be put together and when the “Dots Are Connected”? Wow, exhilarating is a word that only begins to explain that LEARNING IS FUN.

And now, with the breathing exercises and meditation… Now I wonder if I lost my leg to keep me from dancing. I do not wanna anticipate anything, but can one believe that what is seemingly possible is really possible? Seems simple, but it’s not. In order to participate I think you gotta understand why what is done as well as how it is done. As said before, ritual is nothing without understanding.

Life can be exhilarating. What a roller coaster life is…
 
Thank you Laurentien, but I am no master.
To me, life is such a roller coaster. Up & down, again and again. But let's think here, ain't a roller coaster found in an amusement park?
It's real hard to lose track when you feel alone out here in the "wilderness". I cannot say never again. I still feel like krap. I just have attitude. One just has to keep trying, no matter what. In terms of infinity, this little thing we call life is so short. A blink in an eye. A sneeze. Life is too short to waller in pain. Yeah, it is pain, but all this will pass. There is an old saying that "A man can stand the pain of having his foot caught in a vise. If he KNOWS it will be loosened"...
 
Al, with regard to quitting the coffee, this might help:

_http://www.teeccino.com/

These people have endeavored to keep the taste and flavour, minus the caffeine. Don't switch to decaf either, it's even worse for your health, as you can read on the teeccino.com site.

I think I recall reading that coffee withdrawal lasts 9 days, and a heavy coffee drinker can experience flu like symptoms during withdrawal; joint pains, headaches etc. etc.

Good luck with that ;) I also attempted it recently... Right now you are permanently dehydrated.
 
It's real hard to lose track when you feel alone out here in the "wilderness"

Yes I understand that larger sense to the word "wilderness" and I felt this loneliness to the extreme before I came to this forum but no more. You see by "plugging in", in this forum, I never felted more surrounded by friend and know that help is but a few words away. Attack come all the time and as in your case sometime they are like a big storm that look like it would never end. You did the right thing, I think, by sharing what on your mine and as you have seen, friend surround you an are ready to help. Next time it may be me who will ask for support or advice and I know, because I have seen it here, that I will get support in what ever form it may take. This is a STO dynamic, one for all, all for one. As we are all individual I or will be if we continue working together i.e. to get to the same point of development together and at the same moment, and helping each other to pass trough the coming storm is what I thing our biggest "ace".

Remember help is but a few words away my friend.
 
Red said:
Hello Al Today,
I've been aware of and reading Laura's work / the Cassiopaea Forum for almost 7 years and have been registered as a member on the forum for almost 1 year, but I have never posted before.

Welcom to the forum, Red. The first step, I think, is the hardest. Well done! ;)

Red said:
To an even greater extent however, my reticence to actively participate on the forum has been due to precisely the kind of thoughts and feelings you have expressed - I have been aware of a paralysing concern / fear that I am STS or even worse a psychopath, something which has given me much to reflect upon and attempt to be aware of. I too have felt a sense of despar and self-disgust, but have returned again and again to the Work and the forum to just attempt "keep on keeping on" to do whatever I can, if anything, to gain greater understanding and
move towards a different way of being, whilst also feeling this too is no doubt STS, because "I" am seeking to change !
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank-you for posting and to offer some kind of companionship along the way .

If you have been reading the forum for as long as you say your have, you will know that we are all STS. It's just that most of us on the forum are working towards being STO candidates. This is the best we can hope for at this time, as far as I know.

On the fear of being a psychopath, please know that most of us suffer from psychopathic traits that we have learned and been programmed with simply from living in ponerized societies. The fact that you are afraid of this and disgusted by it shows that you are not a true psychopath. They know what they are and find nothing wrong with it. In fact, they relish it and look down on the rest of us normal people. At least that's the way I understand it at this time.

You seem to be going in the right direction keeping on keeping on :) and seeking change. That's what the Work is all about.

In working on yourself to change for the better, have you read any of the psychology books in the recommended book list along with books by Gurdjieff and Mouravieff? These are used to help us discover what our problem areas are and why we are that way so that we can make changes, clean our machines and to be able to help others that want our help.

I'm glad you decided to join in and contribute. Way to go! :thup:
 
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