What if I am STS

[Al Today]

Are you doing the breathing exercises and meditation?

Yes I am. And this may be the point. Seems all this sadness, depression, anxiety, these overwhelming emotions are part of the healing process. I only hope that they go away. I've been having weird, vivid dreams. And The General Law has been after me. Lately, I've been so attacked, that even my kids notice "something" is going on... I just tell them the universe is after me. I'm to the point of paranoia. My heart will not stop racing. I think this will all pass and is part of The Work. I'm just telling you that it's so freakin scary and hard. I will not give up. I wrote what I did while I felt I was a bubble just ready to pop. Self therapy.
The breathing excersizes DO give relief, albeit temporary, for now.
I do appreciate this network of fine people. What is true is that One person simply cannot do this alone.
I thought of posting on the Éiriú Eolas thread, but I was comfortable with what's on my mind. This is something that most are just gonna have to go through.
THANK YOU ALL.!.!.!

Edited for typoes, emphasis, and punctuation.

 

[mkrnhr]

:D don't tell that to your kids :p
The 3d universe is a reflexion of higher realms so if things happen down here, it means that things are happening up there. Attacks and distractions. Knowing the modes of both can help to protect, and to sail through (the image of Odysseus comes to mind, with distractions (the mermaids), the attacks of the matrix (the Cyclops), the pseudo-spiritual 'miracles' (Circe) and the Breathing process as sailing through the sea of emotions (note that the waves sound like breathing)). Just an analogy IMHO.

 

[Al Today]

The 3d universe is a reflexion of higher realms so if things happen down here, it means that things are happening up there.

I understand this concept. Even if my adult children aren't DOing The Work, they do also understand this concept. What I don't know is why...

:D don't tell that to your kids :p

edit: I use the term "universe" as I am an ex-christian speaking to a christian. Even so, many just will not deal with the concept of hyperdimensional beings. So, I use the "universe" term when speaking. Seems it doesn't offend/shock them too/very much...

 

[mkrnhr]

What I don't know is why...

don't tell that to your kids :p

I thought your kids were actually children, not adults. Because if you say to children that their father is a victim of the whole universe it could scare them :)

 

[Al Today]

Children tend to dramatize easily.

I neglected to say my kids are in their mid-20's. Oops... Sorry to lead ya astray unnecessarily...

Seems that no matter how old my kids get, they are still my kids...

 

[mkrnhr]

it's ok, I understand that you will call them "kids" even when they will be 40 :)

 

[Gimpy]

Are you doing the breathing exercises and meditation?

Yes I am. And this may be the point. Seems all this sadness, depression, anxiety, these overwhelming emotions are part of the healing process. I only hope that they go away. I've been having weird, vivid dreams. And The General Law has been after me. Lately, I've been so attacked, that even my kids notice "something" is going on... I just tell them the universe is after me. I'm to the point of paranoia. My heart will not stop racing. I think this will all pass and is part of The Work. I'm just telling you that it's so freakin scary and hard. I will not give up. I wrote what I did while I felt I was a bubble just ready to pop. Self therapy.
The breathing excersizes DO give relief, albeit temporary, for now.
I do appreciate this network of fine people. What is true is that One person simply cannot do this alone.
I thought of posting on the Éiriú Eolas thread, but I was comfortable with what's on my mind. This is something that most are just gonna have to go through.
THANK YOU ALL.!.!.!

Edited for typoes, emphasis, and punctuation.

Are you drinking enough water Al?
Dehydration can be a real problem when you're going through something like this. Try to get 8 glasses of good filtered water a day, it could help with the whole roller coaster emotional ride. :) If your machine is stressed by lack of nutrition, exercise, or hydration, it can be harder going.

An yeah, I go through the "woulda, shoulda, coulda's" regularly.

Keep on breathing and it will work out.

 

[Al Today]

Are you drinking enough water Al?
Dehydration can be a real problem when you're going through something like this.

Thanks Gimpy, NO I am not drinking enough water. Too much coffee, yes, water no... I gotta work harder on my coffee addiction...

 

[Steve M.]

Hi Al Today,

I feel as if I'm going through something similar currently. Not so much in terms of replies to posts but in terms of inner turmoil. It used to be so easy to hear sarcasm coming from someone who actually cares, now I hear the caring (in nearly the exact same word for word statements) but my predator still wants to hear the sarcasm. It can really tare at a person. Hopefully that is not to far off subject.

This also makes me wonder, how different am I? Subjective, emotional, ridden with uncontrolled programs, selfishly looking for others of my kind? I work on this, but I still don’t seem to “fit”. I feel it sucks to be alone with nobody to talk this through with.

There is another side to that. Of late, in terms of feeling separated, different, detached, while my own jealousies and desires come into play - in terms of being even able to make a phone call to other like minded people, it can be difficult. It does suck to be alone, but isn't that loneliness a trick of the predator? I make a 17th different individual replying and concurring exactly what your saying. You are not alone.

I don't follow what you mean by not fitting. I used to post as noise and another, in those days (like today) I'd read something from Al Today and it was insightful, well researched and intuitive. Something I find myself, as somewhat noted above, doing, is falling down a lot. Sometimes when it happens I somehow convince myself that I'm a bad boy and in big trouble for scraping my knee, when actually someone is trying to say, you might want to steer clear of that until you have the strength to make that jump without falling down.

I feel like I'm in a similar boat as you. Like things within myself could collapse at any minute. I also ask myself in the middle of say, an argument with my wife and I'm being selfish or stomping my feet over something. What if the wave just passed and my selfishness left me at 49% STO instead of the minimum 51%? Things like that and the measurements it would take are beyond my comprehension and I wonder why I allow programs to waste time and create such idiotic worries within myself. If I listen to such thoughts they cause me to be tossed around like a leaf on a breeze. In my shaken state, where I feel wishy washy I try to find something to anchor to. Recalling facts about the function of the main stream, reading the news and/or doing the breathing exercises helps with grounding.

Apologies for blathering on, I've got a few background issues/programs running and feel like I'm going in and out of frequency, so to speak, which if I understand you, your kind of going through something similar. Salutations.

Edit:

Thanks Gimpy, NO I am not drinking enough water. Too much coffee, yes, water no... I gotta work harder on my coffee addiction...

I hear you screamin' there!

 

[Al Today]

Thanks Balberon, Your post helps me to know I am not alone. Thanks.
Someday, people of like minds, out here in the "wilderness" will eventually hook up.
Just keep on keeping on and we will see what we see.
Don't give in to the predator.

 

[Johnno]

Thanks Balberon, Your post helps me to know I am not alone. Thanks.
Someday, people of like minds, out here in the "wilderness" will eventually hook up.
Just keep on keeping on and we will see what we see.
Don't give in to the predator.

One thing that helps me. Have faith in the law of exception. This doesn't mean blind faith but I kind of faith that comes with "work". You'll see it give you that glimmer of hope from time to time and it it seems to drag one back against a very strong resistance that the normal world seems to throw up.

The General Law will knock you on your butt from time to time.Sometimes it even appears in "good" forms which are there to distract and give some sort of pleasure. It seems to pop up most in my life in type of busy-ness which sees me reacting rather than taking some sort of more conscious role. This most often occurs at my place of employment which seems to be a long string of reactions rather than anything else.

 

[Jeremy F Kreuz]

Al Today, all others,

Reading your post and the thread made me shake and weep inside. I felt disorientated, a strong pressure building up, like something wanted to scream and burst out. The tactic I use to tell myself everything is going ok, I am moving in the right direction, suddenly stopped functioning and I felt ready to collapse, realizing that the tactic is nothing more then a tactic to keep the lid on what I don't want to see: yes I am STS and yes the general law is doing a good job in keeping me that way. It makes me believe I am getting somewhere, but in fact I am not and as long as I am believing that I get somewhere, I will stay where I am. I make myself believe that because I am less STS then others, that makes me not STS, which is quickly transformed in STO. And off I go feeling saved and good and better then others, all ego and nothing else. Bam, this thread shook it all up. I felt miserable, didn't want to feel miserable and certainly didn't want to realize that more misery was to be expected if I kept reading, let alone responding. But once again it was all of you together that helped me to continu and realizing that there is so much respect among all of you, so much understanding for each other and so much encouragement to help each other through the difficult moments. Thanks Al Today, thanks all the others.

 

[Psalehesost]

Sometimes I feel very wretched; such a mess. Emotional compartmentalization and dissociation runs deep in me. And so much of what I think is left unrealized.

I live much too much within and much too little in the world. In practice, this is simply how things go.

Sometimes I am free of doubts and worries and just do whatever I am doing, working on, thinking on, and so on. But it is seldom long after I post something that I worry about having made a fool of myself. So much self-importance and demented inner considering still. Thankfully, I detect this (in these cases) right away, but it's still there. In every single care of the False Personality there lie demented hallucinations of meaning where there is none; even if the subject is genuine, the caring is not.

Having boldly (literally) said that, I'll point out that though it is my conviction based on thought, experience and seeing a bit deeper into my mind, it is only what I think.

 

[TryingToSee]

Hello Al Today,
I've been aware of and reading Laura's work / the Cassiopaea Forum for almost 7 years and have been registered as a member on the forum for almost 1 year, but I have never posted before.
Your post has completely resonated with me and prompted me to post for the first time.
To a large extent I have never posted because I frequently have only a kind of "sense" of understanding much of what is being discussed and seem to need a long time to digest it without having the words (or also maybe confidence) to convey my understanding or in fact, have much to add to what has already been said.
To an even greater extent however, my reticence to actively participate on the forum has been due to precisely the kind of thoughts and feelings you have expressed - I have been aware of a paralysing concern / fear that I am STS or even worse a psychopath, something which has given me much to reflect upon and attempt to be aware of. I too have felt a sense of despar and self-disgust, but have returned again and again to the Work and the forum to just attempt "keep on keeping on" to do whatever I can, if anything, to gain greater understanding and
move towards a different way of being, whilst also feeling this too is no doubt STS, because "I" am seeking to change !
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank-you for posting and to offer some kind of companionship along the way .

 

[Joe]

Thanks Gimpy, NO I am not drinking enough water. Too much coffee, yes, water no... I gotta work harder on my coffee addiction...

Al, you gotta quit the coffee. It is NOT good for anyone, even worse if you drink it daily. I wouldn't be surprised if coffee and other toxic foodstuffs are exacerbating these feelings and thoughts you are having.