What if I am STS

[Al Today]

As the wave approaches, and I Think something is gonna happen… I seem to be building a sense of urgency. I read that that if someone writes noise, nobody replies. Every crowd has a “fool” they accept as a “fool”.
I just wonder if there are any others like me out there. Yep, I have always been on the edge. Something inside telling me something is going on, on this BBM where answers to my uneasiness just ain’t gonna come through “normal” means. I’ve always had dreams and seen “weird” things all my life and have NEVER fit in to the mainstream. I’ve led a life of confusion and am thankful for Laura’s work. I voraciously read all I can and wonder if I’m an STS orientation. No matter what is, is this what I am? STS. I seem to know that I’ll end up in a black hole and get recycled. And that seems such a waste of experience, or not, I dunno. I just dunno. Perhaps that is my lot in life. Someday I will know.
I was born with so many blessing,,, GIFTS, that I have squandered. And I’ve been reflecting on my life. EVERY TIME, I’ve looked back and always,,, upon reflection, I’ve selfishly thought how my life would improve if I would’ve KNOWN then, what I know now.
I have the gift of intellect. All through my life, I never studied hard and have been in an “Honors” program. With math, I had a hard time with tests, I wrote the answers from my thoughts and the teachers gave me guff because I didn’t write down, I didn’t write down the steps on how I arrived at the answers. It was all in my head and not according to “standards”. And I didn’t care. Any test, any class, if it was based upon what I heard in class, I passed, without effort. If I had to read, I bought Cliff notes and passed, with my B.S.
I had the gift of athletic ability. I excelled, in everything, greatly… When I was twelve(12) years old, I was awarded player of the year. I gave an acceptance speech. I told them “You made the right choice”. I still hear the gasps from the audience. Many sports, I was always a “star”.
Relationships. I was ALWAYS internally considerate and I am sick about all the people I screwed with.
In 1976, I had a car accident. I think it was an exit point, I was declared dead. Things may well have been not according to “plan”. I cried out “I AM NOT DONE” and lived.
And now, upon reflections, I STILL think if I could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, if I knew then, what I know now, how things would be better. STS to the core. This makes me sick. I have nothing else to say, except the sadness is overwhelming. I caught myself thinking this way today…
Even here, on this forum, many posts go unanswered. This also makes me wonder, how different am I? Subjective, emotional, ridden with uncontrolled programs, selfishly looking for others of my kind? I work on this, but I still don’t seem to “fit”. I feel it sucks to be alone with nobody to talk this through with.
I just wanna reach out and ask how many others think that they are STS and are screwed up. I wrote this document and heavily considered deletion, but I said, what the hell, let it go… Suggestions appreciated.
Thank you very much.

 

[anart]

Al, if you had checked out at the car accident exit point, you would not have suffered enough to understand what you now understand. Do you realize - can you even begin to grasp - what you now understand?

I just wanna reach out and ask how many others think that they are STS and are screwed up.

I know I am - by definition, and experience. However, that does not mean that is all I will ever be.

As far as posts that get no response - - - have you ever considered that they get no response because no one has anything more to add than what you've already written? Haven't you noticed that, most of the time, when someone writes noise they get called on it - not every time, but most of the time -- or have you been reading a different forum than I read?

If you feel like you're losing it - like you're coming apart and have no one to talk to - maybe that's how it's supposed to feel right now. Are you doing the breathing exercises and meditation? If you aren't - give it a try - it is powerful stuff and simple. I've never been one to meditate, but this - this is simple and powerful and, as I said in another thread, just might change everything.

 

[mkrnhr]

Al Today,
Your reflection sounds very "french" : I've always been...so I am.
You've been STS, OK. What do you want to be now? What are you working on? The future (as we perceive it) is open no?
As an example, I have alooooot of unanswered posts, I cannot count them. Sometime I prefer someone tells me that what I say is very stupid. But we are in a school and there's still hope of improvement. And IMHO, your school performance do not mean nothing, it's part of your 3d experience. I was pretty the same without the sport part (I've always been overweight) and success with women :)
IMHO, at this point it is natural to feel depressed, and lonely. I feel it too and it becomes stronger day after day. Maybe we need to focus more then never, no? The breathing and meditation exercices arrive at the right moment to focus on the essential. Let it live in us today ;)
Cheers :)

Edit : Anart answered and yes, the meditation could change everything.

 

[Mr. Premise]

Actually I think the opposite is true more often. On internet forums a noise post usually generates more response than one that sums up something really well. So getting a response is not always a good thing. ( I see that Anart has said the same thing).

It seems you're worried that you are considered a fool. FWIW, I never thought that about your posts.

I read that that if someone writes noise, nobody replies. Every crowd has a “fool” they accept as a “fool”.
I just wonder if there are any others like me out there.

 

[gotogo]

Even here, on this forum, many posts go unanswered.

You got 5 answers in about 1 hour. Are you aware of it? :)

[quote author=Al Today]
I just wanna reach out and ask how many others think that they are STS and are screwed up.
[/quote]
I am a 3D STS who has some traumas/wounds/hungers ("screwed up" sounds subjective to me so I tried to express more objectively), yes.
I am trying not to "buffer" my STSness and See them objectively as much as I can though.

 

[Laurentien2]

And now, upon reflections, I STILL think if I could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, if I knew then, what I know now, how things would be better.

This is one taught that I often had since crossing Laura, the "C" and this forum is path but I know now that those past STS action or behavior were necessary to my awakening. We live in a sts world and since childhood we were taught to behave that way, the program was introduced an it felt natural to follow it until one day looking at the world around us we started to perceive that something was wrong, that the valor of the system wasn't making us happier or richer but more servile. I was not very good at school not because I lacked of intelligence but intuitively I new that this was not my place to learn so, I went to the university of life, as we say here in Quebec and maybe in France, I traveled around the world visited many places, saw many wonder to realize after many years that what I was looking for wasn't to be found outside of me but whit in. Yes, it took me many years and even then after I realize this and after I started my interior quest, I was pulled back to seek more on my material nature for another 12 or more years.

You see if I had know the nature of this world 8 year ago , I wouldn't have my daughter today and I would have miss a huge amount of knowledge or the possibility to acquire certain knowledge. Look at the bright side too Al Today and learn from both side. Even the rose as to grow out of dirt. Interior grow come whit suffering. The breathing program help us to release those old memory resurfacing after many years and looking at them and dealing whit them is necessary.

You are on the wright path Al Today, have faith in the Universe, have faith in the knowledge that you are acquiring every day.

 

[Nević Nenad]

Al, I think that you need little encouragement and taping on the shoulder :). So here it is, there, there, you are good . . .


Now without kidding, all that questions that you have asked (and asked yourself before everyone else) proves that you are not screwed up, proves that you feel and understand. Proves that todays Al think of old Al and understand him, proves that Al today understand people and world around him much better then Al of yesterday. Proves that Al spent years from exit point in 1976 very smartly and building knowledge and himself.

In my opinion you are very happy because you have ability to ask yourself all of that, even if you are depressed.

You know that old saying "Blessed are the idiots" but they don't have luck to feel and know all that you know now.

Now, give that shoulder . . . there, there . . . :)

 

[go2]

[...] I was born with so many blessing,,, GIFTS, that I have squandered. And I’ve been reflecting on my life. EVERY TIME, I’ve looked back and always,,, upon reflection, I’ve selfishly thought how my life would improve if I would’ve KNOWN then, what I know now.

[…] Relationships. I was ALWAYS internally considerate and I am sick about all the people I screwed with.

[…] And now, upon reflections, I STILL think if I could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, if I knew then, what I know now, how things would be better. STS to the core. This makes me sick. I have nothing else to say, except the sadness is overwhelming. I caught myself thinking this way today…

Al, it brings tears to my eyes reading your post. We have failed and wasted our lives. Worse, we have harmed others and nothing we can do will make the past different than it was. I remember you know a little of the Twelve Steps. Perhaps this will strike a cord. I was not happy, joyous, and free half way through the amends. I saw through the tears that I could never make amends for what I had done to my life and others lives. I was not going to be shiny and new saying I'm sorry. The only redemption is aknowledging what I have done without evasion or justification. I see you have arrived at that place.

I sat with the pain without attempting to evade the full emotional impact for the first time in my life. It took this pain to awaken my sleeping emotional center. It still happens when new knowledge of self is revealed, but the pain is shorter with breathing and acceptance that I and everyone always does what they think is right, or proper, or justified. Anart sounds right, this may be exactly where you are supposed to be.

 

[pete02]

Hi Al,

Just the other day I was posting with another member and told him what he considered noise might not be thought of that way by other members. And if other members did think it was noise, they just simply wouldn't have to reply. I was of course saying that to him pertaining to what we were discussing and never once 'externally considered' the way other members might interpret it. I apologize to you if this is what stirred up your comment about the unanswered posts. I now see how other members that read that might think.

I am relatively new here and still doing much needed learning. I of course am also STS and when you talked about things you have done to others in the past it struck a chord with me as well. Quite often I think about how things might have (should have really) been if only I knew then what I know now but these things are in the past and I cannot change them. I can only try to correct my ways and help others as I learn along the way.

You also had mentioned being ready for the wave and I have thought much about that too. I sometimes think I'm not gonna make it either and just end up being recycled back into 3D again but who knows for sure? All I can do is try. Either way it would just mean I haven't learned enough and need to do it again. osit. Somehow it doesn't bother me tho and I'm not sure what to think of that either. Maybe something is wrong with the way I think and I need to do some reflecting upon myself. Once again, I'm not sure. Anyway, like I said, I sincerely apologize to you for that comment and anyone else it might have affected that way as well.

 

[Buddy]

Even here, on this forum, many posts go unanswered. This also makes me wonder, how different am I? Subjective, emotional, ridden with uncontrolled programs, selfishly looking for others of my kind? I work on this, but I still don’t seem to “fit”. I feel it sucks to be alone with nobody to talk this through with.
I just wanna reach out and ask how many others think that they are STS and are screwed up.

(raising hand) I'm with ya, bud! I can relate. I can't possibly add anything better to the replys so far, so I'll emphasize, emphasize, emphasize anart's quote below, and btw, let me emphasize the following quote by anart:


anart said:
"If you feel like you're losing it - like you're coming apart and have no one to talk to - maybe that's how it's supposed to feel right now. Are you doing the breathing exercises and meditation? If you aren't - give it a try - it is powerful stuff and simple. I've never been one to meditate..."

You're already doing it verbally, now just let it go emotionally through the recommended method. :)

 

[Gawan]

I read that that if someone writes noise, nobody replies. Every crowd has a “fool” they accept as a “fool”.
[…]
Even here, on this forum, many posts go unanswered. This also makes me wonder, how different am I?

Hi Al Today, I stay with you.
This also happened a lot in the last week or so to me, to think, what others may think about my posts and why is nobody answering, are they going nuts?

Well, I don't know if they. But when I took one or two steps back, of the way I have been thinking it pointed in some directions: internal considering, self-importance and approval (feeding).

So it has been all about me and how I feel, all in all it is just a program looking for signals (posts from others) if I'm in the right place here.

As Anart and Buddy suggested, are you doing the breathing exercises?

 

[vinny]

there are some interesting programs that kick in when one posts, and waits for the expected replies (praise, attention...) , and none come! self doubt, anticipation, "am I unworthy?" etc, and they are often manifestations of self importance.

generally, I would say that if there are no replies after a few days, then maybe it is because you have already covered the subject just fine, and no further input is needed! Of course it could also be that the message has slipped through the net and been missed, or it may be in some cases that it is recognised that someone is looking to feed off attention and so 'tough love' is applied, by not providing that 'food'.

 

[Bo]

there are some interesting programs that kick in when one posts, and waits for the expected replies (praise, attention...) , and none come! self doubt, anticipation, "am I unworthy?" etc, and they are often manifestations of self importance.

Exactly.

Al Today;

I can partly understand what you are going through,

We all know that we are STS, what we can DO is try to become more orientated towards STO and gain more knowledge and keep on sharing, then we know that whenever the day comes, that we have done everything we could have done.

Your realization NOW can be very helpfull to you now!

From ISOTM

Sometimes it is said: in ascending the stairway a man is not sure of anything, he may doubt everything, his own powers, whether what he is doing is right, the guide, his knowledge and his powers. At the same time, what he attains is very unstable; even if he has ascended fairly high on the stairway, he may fall down at any moment and have to begin again from the beginning.

Everyone works on his own pace, one is faster then other, one has more time then the other, but what matters is that they all work towards one goal, understanding/Knowledge.

You have a lot of frustration inside of you, if you have not yet tried as suggested try doing the breathing program, try it atleast once a week or as Laura had said in another post,

So, please, just relax into it. It's as simple as it can be and all you have to do is practice it regularly. If you can only do part of it on any given day, do some deep, normal breathing (in through the nose, out through the mouth) and the prayer/meditation before sleeping.
http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=12837.315

 

[RedFox]

Hi Al

It may be interesting for you to go back and reread your most recent posts (especially ones you've started yourself), as my memory of your recent posts suggests that you've been heading towards this point. As Anart says, I think this is where we are meant to be. Have you considered that you may be starting to get a glimpse of the horror of the situation? A glimpse of yourself?
Things are disintegrating at a more rapid pace.....

I seem to know that I’ll end up in a black hole and get recycled. And that seems such a waste of experience, or not, I dunno. I just dunno. Perhaps that is my lot in life. Someday I will know.

Have you considered that this may actually be the predators mind thinking this? It is certainly quite a negative thing to think, so at the very least is probably your negative introject butting in and convincing you of things that have a negative emotional/energetic impact.
Because of this impact....

Even here, on this forum, many posts go unanswered.

I may be repeating what has already been said, but I've had many a time where I 'wanted' one of my posts to be replied to. I can say that it is a good thing they where not. I used it as an opportunity to look at the Why of wanting the reply.....usually I want validation (which equates I guess to feeding too). Hence the connection the negative introject having a negative emotional/energetic impact on you.....and the old feeding responce being poked. It seems however you are starting to notice it...and negate it.

I’ve selfishly thought how my life would improve if I would've KNOWN then, what I know now.

I think this is only selfish if you dwell in it. I spent some time in that thought many years before sott.
I eventually disarmed it by realising that, if I Had known then what I know now....I wouldn't be able to cope!!! Seriously. We are all had to go through what we did to have the internal strength and will and generally become disillusioned with this life to reach the point where we Could know what we know now about reality.
I can even recall times when I was exposed to things along those lines in the past....you know what? I rejected and ignored them.

I've been where you are now Al, and I think I may still be there (sometimes I do think I'm going a bit mad, then I remember to breath!).....the difference is I've excepted that this is where I need to be right now, and I'm kinda just rolling with the punches.
If I feel like I'm falling appart, I let part of me fall appart by remembering its not all of me...just one 'i'. I also try not to listen to the parts of me that put me down and think I will fail. Maybe I will fail....but if I do I will do my best to learn from that and move forwards regardless.
This may be buffering on my part...this I am not fully sure of so I try to keep that in mind at all times.

I think part of your thinking is that of trying to avoid facing some of yourself (buffering/avoidance of past negative emotions perhaps?). I know a high percentage of my programs are related to that avoidance!
This is where the breathing and meditation comes into play. Give it a go!

So fwiw I think we've all been where you are (or perhaps are still where you are) Al in some way or other. :)

 

[ScioAgapeOmnis]

I am beginning to think this disintegration stuff isn't necessarily so bad if used correctly. It does seem to remind us of what we are, and therefore what we need to work on, in case we have forgotten or become complacent in the mire of 3d affairs. It would be bad if the part that is disintegrating is all that we were, but if there is even a little bit of something else, then when the subjective, ignorant, mechanical and predatory parts begin to disintegrate, they and their failings become more obvious, the programs begin to surface. Al, the fact that this is troubling you so much is a testament that there is more to you than what you've observed.

It seems the meditation and awakening of the emotional center + establishing connections with the higher centers would result in more disintegration and inner turmoil of the stuff that will no longer "fit". But who said cleansing is supposed to be "clean"? You need to move some furniture and shuffle a lot of dirt around if you want to clean up. Al, I think what you're doing is overturning some furniture that you were avoiding for a while. Don't beat yourself up over it because we're all in the same mess, and the only way out is by first seeing it the way it truly is. The second step is FEELING it, and this will provide the fuel to DO something about it. The problem is, unless your emotional center is developed, the Seeing and Feeling can be decidedly momentary. This is so important, I'll say it again - this can be VERY momentary.

I've been consistently guilty of running from the my own emotions about the terror of our situation. While you may be super motivated to DO something right now, you may find yourself falling back into complacency in the coming days, weeks, and months. Instead of cleaning the dirt up you end up shoving it back under the rug until the next shock to your system - which may not be for a while, especially if you do all you can to avoid the shocks as your predator no doubt will. So please, don't let that happen to yourself, do the meditation, breath work, and prayer now. Do consistently involve yourself with seeking and distributing knowledge while networking with those who do the same.

The only value in your current feelings and thoughts is what comes of it. And if you DO nothing, nothing will come of it, it'll just disappear back into the depths of your mind where it came from, to sit there untouched until the next time it just happens to come to the surface and spurs you to make yet another post expressing your distress. If you let it, this cycle will repeat endlessly with no progress right up until the end. Are you going to let that happen?