In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of the Nova Scotia wilderness ban.
Monday
I like to look at society as like a large school classroom. When students are quiet, orderly and devoted to their task, a classroom is an ideal environment for civic betterment. But when chaos and delinquency are allowed free reign, it becomes a vortex of destruction and wasted potential.
It is reasonable that these principles should also apply in the macro sense. If Nova Scotians remain selfishly devoted to inherently flammable activities
such as fishing, camping and walking in the general presence of trees, then corrective action is in order.
Tuesday
Even when human activity is successfully purged from a wilderness environment, there is still the risk that fires can be ignited by human activity. An abandoned glass bottle can concentrate the sun’s rays in the same way as a magnifying glass, causing a pinpoint of light exceeding 200 degrees Celsius. A nine-volt battery can spontaneously spark without any humans present.
We must even assume that an unattended laptop could feasibly be stolen by deer, bears, crows or other wildlife and employed in such a way as to combust the machine’s internal lithium-ion battery.
Thus, until we can receive a significant amount of rain, beverages will be limited to plastic and/or metallic drinking vessels, standard cell batteries will need to be surrendered to the nearest peace officer and public usage of laptops, mobile phones
or other devices will be strictly prohibited. Violators can expect fines of up to $40,000
Wednesday
The Government of Nova Scotia appreciates the public’s cooperation with these measures,
and remains devoted to the various guarantees enshrined in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
With that said, these remain
extraordinary emergency circumstances, and the normal guarantees of free association and other such civil liberties
do not apply in instances of restricted travel zones being invoked under the Forest Act (see Section 25).
Until hot, dry conditions can subside,
we will be prohibiting any further discussion of this matter, as well as mentions of the words “liberty,” “freedom” or “autonomy.” The penalty for violating these restrictions is a $50,000 fine and/or a jail term not to exceed five years.
Thursday
Despite this government’s extremely reasonable measures taken to preserve the integrity and safety of our forested areas, we continue to receive reports of violations. In one particularly corrosive excuse,
these violators asserted that “this is Canada, it’s literally all forest, and you’re probably going to have to enter the forest at some point if you’re doing almost anything.”
Clearly
we are up against an unreasonable cultural expectation of forests and outdoor areas generally. But outside is a privilege, not a right. As a temporary measure until temperatures can cool sufficiently,
we will be prohibiting movies, music and other media products inclined to tempt Nova Scotians towards such actions. This will include an immediate ban on radio plays of Take Me Home Country Roads, Patio Lanterns and all post-1966 cover versions of Going Up the Country.
Violators can expect fines of $100,000 and a mandatory 15 years of hard labour.
Friday
This crisis will not alleviate
until we flatten the curve on water usage and the basic human use of fire, both of which now clearly stand as existential threats to our way of life. If Nova Scotia does not take drastic action now,
the entire province will become a mass of charred carbon where no signs of life will exist for at least 1,000 years.
In observance of extreme drought conditions,
Nova Scotians will be limited to 300 ml of water, per person, per day. Water contained within food will be deducted from the daily total at an officer’s discretion.
Any private employment of fire in any capacity is now banned; this includes recreational use of electricity without a prior permit. Permits are also banned, as they require the employment of highly flammable paper.
Violators to any of the above will received
one (1) consecutive life sentence for each violation and a fine of at least $76 billion.
globalnews.ca
www.halifaxexaminer.ca
