Creative Journaling

For the last few weeks I've started trying to incorporate more drawing and creative work in my journaling. I'd like to share some of that work here, in this thread, and ask for feedback/mirrors/impressions. I really appreciated everyone's feedback and impressions in Bridge Drawing, it was helpful to have some other eyes looking at my work, and there's no one I trust to look at it in a non judgmental, open way in real life. So without further ado, here we go.

I'm going to post 4 drawings today in chronological order. The first I am calling Confused World (the title is a link to a high resolution version), it is from 12/30/2010:



I started out just doing some doodles, the green spiral, yellow halo and red beams, and the brown river thing in the upper left. Then I drew the tree, then the waves, then the blue spiral thing in the middle, and finally the red eye, the black soldier and the green shoot in the lower left hand corner. The text is:

by the tree said:

Strong as the tree
Hard, tough and stiff
Shelter the seed that grows
Till your back cracks

The world cannot see me
If I am hidden from myself
My voice
is not my own

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by the eye said:

This eye sees not Light
This eye
Spreads Darkness

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by the waves said:

the waves go up and the waves crash down

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I wrote a story/poem immediately afterwards that goes like this:

Fallen leaves litter the ground beneath my feet. Crunching, crackling, snapping as I walk. Golden light filters through the branches above, the dying glow of the tired autumn Sun. Branches clack above as a wind comes up. Whispering, hushing, fussing, ROARING; leaves fleeing before it, rustling and crying, jostling around my feet as I pause.

Facing the wind, I smell the cold air of winger. High above me, riding the swaying branches, a crow voices his defiance, or agreement, with the wind.

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The second drawing I want to post is called Black Heart - RAGE



This is what I wrote about it:

This image came to me this morning while walking. The black heart is filled with a pentagram facing downward, an evil power. The dark blue bars and violet v's attempt to contain the RAGE, the black heart, but to no avail. Lightening bolts crash through and a dark precense wafts from the Black Heart.

Inside me this black heart rages. Sometimes its power is contained. But the least provocation feeds it, weakens the bars that hold it. Lightening and thunder crash forth. The heart grows, swelling outward and consuming all resistance.

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The third image is called Green Heart



I drew this one and Black Heart both on the morning of December 31. I labeled this one green heart - Compassion, but I don't think that was the right label. I drew them both spontaneously, and I felt like I needed to draw a counterpoint to the Black Heart, but I didn't know what feeling it represented. I think that it had more to do with the imagined wrapper that I put around the RAGE, the Black Heart. The zig zag lines are still very sharp around the outside, when I look at it now it doesn't look like compassion to me, but I left the misspelled compassion label because I thought it was a good indication of what I was feeling at the time. Confusion, and an attempt to control the rage inside of me that was threatening to break free.

The most recent drawing in my journal is from last night, January 7, 2011. It is entitled Embrace the Darkness



This is another image that came to me when trying to come to grips with what I was feeling last night. I watched an episode of Battlestar Galactica, the part called Razor, and I watched Donnie Darko. In Battlestar a character named Kendra Shaw is a soldier who follows orders to murder 10 innocent civilians, and then struggles to come to grips with her crime, sinking into depths of depression and finally asking for forgiveness. In Donnie Darko there is a scene where he and his girlfriend are presenting a class project where they came up with a concept for goggles that would flash images in front of infant's eyes while they sleep. They say that no one can remember their infancy, so parents could fill the machine with beautiful images and show them to their kids. The teacher asks them "did you stop to think that maybe infants need darkness?" This is from my journal:

Maybe we need darkness to see light and vice versa. Maybe our choices are the only thing thats real. The battle is fought through us, every moment of every day. Donnie is afraid of being alone, of ending up alone. If we are alone, what is the point of all of this? I don't f-ing understand! All there is is lessons? What are you learning Donnie? To see god's path and choose to follow it willingly? Even if it leads you into darkness? And do you regret it later, ask for forgiveness from the very god who brought you to this place? Embrace the darkness in you.

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My use of the word god refers to "the universe" or "creation" or "higher mind", and not to the christian God.

I'm sort of loosely following the exercises outlined in a book called The Creative Journal, the Art of Finding Yourself, by Lucia Capacchione. I'm in the early stages of the book, things like "How do I feel right now?" and "My Inner and Outer Self" and "Current Conflict".

As you can probably tell, I'm trying to come to grips with my "true feelings" or my "shadow" or whatever you want to call it. I'm finding these exercises helpful because they are giving me a creative outlet in a safe place. I'm trying to let the images and words flow, without judgment or self-censorship. There is a part of me that is struggling with all of its might to keep control, to figure everything out, to categorize life's experiences into neat boxes. There is another part of me that is fighting that control with equal energy. I realized recently that I don't know my own feelings. I have read this many times, but I think I'm starting to really experience this. One part of me feels something, and another part immediately mis-labels it, tries to deny it, change it into something else. RAGE, anger, depression, fear, anxiety result.

Most of my energy is sapped by this internal battle. At this point I am trying to see clearly what is going on. I know that has been the instruction all along, to observe the self, but I lie to myself when I say I am just observing. I am always trying to control and to change. Rejecting what is "wrong" with me and trying to "fix" my "problems". Lately I feel exhausted by this struggle, and yet I am unable to stop it. The more I see it in myself, the more exhausted I feel. I am so tired of working so hard to be someone else (thats an oblique concept). And yet there are times when some energy is liberated, by meditation, by a simple act like chopping firewood, or going for a walk, or making a drawing, and suddenly I will feel energized, physically hot. Yesterday I felt exhausted all day before I made the last drawing, and after that I was wide awake for hours. I felt like running a marathon.

I am hoping that some of you may see things in my drawings and writing that I am unable to see and point them out to me. I also posted in the hope that something in them may resonate with some of you and help you to see something in yourself that you never saw before. Or that it might inspire some of you, as some of you have inspired me.

Latest drawing from Sunday night, 1/9/11, entitled Fire and Ice, or Blue Mandala:



Journal entry:

The red-hot pain is held inside by cold blue ice. The fire is kept at bay by water. The heat is inaccessible, and unable to escape. The container is perfectly balanced with the pain. The fire is consumed generating the water that contains it. The water, the ice, is all that can be seen on the outside.

Beneath the ice and freezing water,
a fire burns.
Down in the depths, in the cold,
a light shines.
I am flat, I am cold, I am Ice.
I rage, I burn, I am fire.
I freeze myself,
and burn my way out...
only to freeze again.

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On Sunday I felt awful by the end of the day. I felt sad, almost consumed by it, and a sense of loss. I almost started crying in front of my parents. The journal entry has to do with a sense that there are burning emotions inside of me, contained by masks of depression, sadness, anger, and a general flat affect, with no way to access them. I have no energy because all of my energy is used up trying to control and "fix" myself, doing what I think I "should do," what I think others want me to do.

I think you can see this in the drawing. I drew a very controlled, geometric drawing. I colored inside the lines, but the coloring is a little hurried. The colors are subdued. The drawing is fairly small, using up about 1/4 to 1/3 of the page.

I felt much better after drawing this, spent some time meditating and then slept pretty well. The last couple of days I am still feeling a sense of loss and sadness, but it is more manageable. Any feedback would be welcome.

Seamas said:

I am hoping that some of you may see things in my drawings and writing that I am unable to see and point them out to me. I also posted in the hope that something in them may resonate with some of you and help you to see something in yourself that you never saw before. Or that it might inspire some of you, as some of you have inspired me.

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Hi Seamas,

Thanks for posting parts of your journal up! :) I'm sure that took some courage to do. Since you've mentioned wanting to know what others see in the pictures, I'll go ahead with my interpretations. :D

The symbolism you use in your first one is really creative and illustrative. There's a whole story in that drawing! I'm seeing supernatural heavenly forces trying to reach the man, but he is caught on an island with choppy waters fending off some entity in the sky that could represent a whirlwind of drama going on in his life. The tree is big, but dissolves into the sky and can't protect him from what he has to deal with.

In the Black Heart -Rage one I'm seeing so much negative energy just bottled up. It's almost as if something is poking at the artist, or perhaps a lot of things. It kind of reminds me of the whirlwind of drama interpretation of the first one. Something is biting or gnawing at you? It's nervous energy, unstable.

I also see nervous energy with Green Heart-Compasion only this one is trying to take on a more positive tone. It's like you're trying to hypnotize the viewer into being calm (green is a cool, relaxing color, heart is a calming symbol) and loving. The heart is also contained in a circle, which is a bit restrictive for all that energy to be coming out of it. It's as if the heart itself and the expressions of the heart (the zigzag lines) are disconnected. Perhaps you have something you need to say or do, but for some reason you feel you are not able to express yourself that way?

"Embrace the Darkness" actually reminded me of a drawing I've recently envisioned, but forgot about because I didn't draw it down! Thanks for the reminder, mine is very different so don't worry..:) But perhaps I might be interested in calling it "Embrace the Light" if I ever do get to it..;D I'm seeing this one as you being more playful actually and perhaps relaxing a bit from the last two drawings. The words and way you used the colors make me think you are feeling more accepting and at peace with whatever is going on in your life and here you are able to just go with the flow with your marks.

I am partial to the last drawing, Blue Mandala, because I tend to like staring at symmetrical designs, especially those that incorporate sacred geometry. That reminds me, have you ever heard of Charles Gilchrist? He's got great videos on sacred geometry and some really nice artwork too!! Here's a link: ~http://www.charlesgilchrist.com/SGEO/index.html Anyway, I'm seeing all of your energy being very controlled here, very precise. To me, it is less personal than the others, more restrictive and isolated. Reading the words, "fire and ice" make me look at it a little differently. I start to wonder if the red flower shape in the middle is something being contained that cannot grow in it's current environment.

Well, this is what I see, but I know sometimes people see my art in completely different ways that how I intended them to be viewed when I created them. I always like hearing the different interpretations and it makes me able to see my creations a bit more objectively too! :D I hope you found something of interest in what I've written here. :)

Scarlet said:

Well, this is what I see, but I know sometimes people see my art in completely different ways that how I intended them to be viewed when I created them. I always like hearing the different interpretations and it makes me able to see my creations a bit more objectively too! :D I hope you found something of interest in what I've written here. :)

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Hi Scarlet, thank you for your thoughtful reply. Your insightful comments have been helpful to me, I've been digesting them for a couple of days :). I found a book called The Secret World of Drawings by Gregg Furth that has been helpful in the last few weeks. The subtitle is A Jungian Approach to Healing Through Art. Mr. Furth argues that the content of impromptu (someone asks you to draw something, like "Draw a bridge") or spontaneous (a person just starts drawing and sees where it takes them, like the drawings I've posted here) drawings come from the same place in the unconscious as dreams. Having someone point out things in my drawings that I can't see myself is like having someone help to interpret a dream I think.

Dr. Furth argues that, like dreams, "all drawings lead to the individual's unconscious content"(25). He offers some focal points that one can use to deepen one's understanding of drawings that incorporate guidelines from other Jungian psychologists and from his own experience.

Furth said:

We know that the content [of a drawing] is unconscious and it activates psychic energy. This energy is of course connected to the complex [the individual is working with] in some manner. So where do we begin picture work? We know that it matters little where we begin, since all individual complexes are at some level interconnected. We can begin with colors, shapes, sizes, direction of movement, etc.; what matters is that within the drawing the complex is intertwined with all its components in an incredibly intricate pattern. The therapist and patient begin with what is signaled by the symbols. The signals make themselves known through focal points, which draw the therapist's and client's attention. Through focal points, the unconscious directs the healing process.

One of the greatest dangers of projective techniques is the failure to recognize that the work produced is extremely individual. The pictures are subjective creations. Aesthetics, color tone, likes, dislikes, and so forth are all subjective traits that the individual artist will include at his discretion. These elements can be considered in picture analysis; however, evaluation of a picture's psychological content and "feeling" is what will be most informative.

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I think interpreting my own drawings will present similar difficulties as interpretting my own dreams, but I'm going to start with a couple of Dr. Furth's focal points that occur in all of my drawings.

Furth said:

What feeling does the picture convey?
A picture or drawing always communicates a feeling. It is important to capture the initial, spontaneous impression first, and if possible to encapsulate it in one word - such as "happy," "sad," "frustrated," "fearful," "confined" - rather than evaluating the picture concretely. The individual can also be asked how he felt while drawing the picture or what feeling he gets when he looks at the picture. If one finds a conflict between one's own and the patient's impression, one must not transfer one's reactions to the patient, but rather delve into the nature of his experiences with his picture. Through this process of examining differences or various reactions, the therapist may reach a fuller understanding of the patient's feelings.

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Furth said:

Abstract
An abstract portion of a drawing or a whole abstract drawing usually represents either something that is hard to understant, difficult or abstruse, or an avoidance. The person may not know what he is concealing in the abstraction, but often, when asked, "What does this look like to you, or remind you of?" he will make important associations to some problem that he could not draw realistically. When a person draws many abstract pictures, perhaps he is running away from an issue, avoiding something, or it is unconscious content that needs to be worked on to be recognized.

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Furth said:

Words used in drawings need special attention. The patient who did the drawing fears that he or she may not have clearly conveyed the point or message of the drawing, so words add definition to the statement, and thus reduce the drawing's chances of being misinterpreted. Of course we question what has been misinterpreted, and/or what presently is being misinterpreted in the patient's life. The whole isue of trust comes forth when words appear in drawings. It is also a question of how much the patient trusts non-verbal communication.

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Furth said:

Barriers
Note where barriers are within a picture. A barrier can be a person, plant, tree, or an inanimate object such as a wall, car, chair or door. One can see who is blocking whom from communicating, or perhaps begin to discover other barriers, conscious and unconscious, which may exist between the individual depicted in the drawing.

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Furth said:

What is Central?
Often what is drawn in the center of the picture may indicate where the core of the problem lies or what is important to the individual.

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All of the drawings I've uploaded so far contain primarily abstract content. Granted, I don't have a therapist asking me to draw specific things, but I think this is interesting given Dr. Furth's assertion that abstract content may signal that one is "running away from an issue, avoiding something, or it is unconscious content that needs to be worked on to be recognized". I also wrote something on all of my drawings, which Dr. Furth says could signal that I have trust issues. I don't trust what I feel, I don't trust myself to clearly communicate my feelings in a drawing, in a non intellectual fashion. There are also many barriers in the drawings. The blue swirls in between the figure and the eye in the first drawing, the barriers holding in the black heart, the circle around the green heart and the zig-zags, and the geometric design is like a complicated container. I think you echo these assessments:

Scarlet said:

The symbolism you use in your first one is really creative and illustrative. There's a whole story in that drawing! I'm seeing supernatural heavenly forces trying to reach the man, but he is caught on an island with choppy waters fending off some entity in the sky that could represent a whirlwind of drama going on in his life. The tree is big, but dissolves into the sky and can't protect him from what he has to deal with.

In the Black Heart -Rage one I'm seeing so much negative energy just bottled up. It's almost as if something is poking at the artist, or perhaps a lot of things. It kind of reminds me of the whirlwind of drama interpretation of the first one. Something is biting or gnawing at you? It's nervous energy, unstable.

I also see nervous energy with Green Heart-Compasion only this one is trying to take on a more positive tone. It's like you're trying to hypnotize the viewer into being calm (green is a cool, relaxing color, heart is a calming symbol) and loving. The heart is also contained in a circle, which is a bit restrictive for all that energy to be coming out of it. It's as if the heart itself and the expressions of the heart (the zigzag lines) are disconnected. Perhaps you have something you need to say or do, but for some reason you feel you are not able to express yourself that way?

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Scarlet said:

I'm seeing all of your energy being very controlled here, very precise. To me, it is less personal than the others, more restrictive and isolated. Reading the words, "fire and ice" make me look at it a little differently. I start to wonder if the red flower shape in the middle is something being contained that cannot grow in it's current environment.

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To be continued...

The first drawing seems (to me) to have the most content, so I'd like to focus on that one and see if I can work through it a bit.

The center of the drawing is basically empty, except for an arm from the blue swirly thing, which reminds me of water, or plant roots, or fungus mycilium, or tenticals. This emptiness and abstract focus in the middle of the drawing is odd, and noteworthy because it may indicate that I am avoiding, or refusing to see the root of things.

The figure in the first drawing is one of the more important aspects of the drawings, OSIT. It is odd that he has no hands or feet or face.

Furth said:

What is missing?
Observe what is absent or left out of the picture. The missing elements may be quite significant to the individual. What the represent or symbolize could possibly be absent from the person's life.

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The missing face could symbolize my lack of identity and self realization. This is strengthened by what I wrote:

Seamas said:

The world cannot see me
If I am hidden from myself
My voice
is not my own

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The missing feet could be a symbol of my lack of grounding and a solid foundation. I often rush into things and want results, right away, without doing the work that is required to get where I want to go. The missing hands could be a symbol of my feelings that I haven't been able to accomplish much of anything in my life. I often feel that I haven't lived up to my own expectations for myself, and that I am disappointed in myself. I am not "making anything of myself". He is holding a long spear and has a long sword by his side. Dr. Furth would call the spear an "extension":

Furth said:

An extension is any device drawn in the hand of a figure. This addition or extra part could be a spoon, a cane or crutch, a golf club or baseball bat - anything that allows the individual to exert greater control over his environment. This extension implies either that the person sees himself as having control or that he desires more control (complementary-compensatory), and in this effort he may be either successful or unsuccessful.

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In my case I would say that I constantly struggle to control the outcome of every endeavor and situation. In the drawing the spear is pointed almost directly at the eye in the sky, indicating that in this case I am trying to exert greater control over whatever the eye represents. The blue swirly stuff is blocking this communication.

I also find it interesting that the tiny green shoot is hidden in the bottom corner of the drawing. The tree, the figure and the blue swirly arm at the center of the drawing are all in a direct line in between the shoot and the eye, and my text indicates that they are protecting the shoot from the eye:

Seamas said:

Strong as the tree
Hard, tough and stiff
Shelter the seed that grows
Till your back cracks

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This quote indicates the nature of the protection - hard, inflexible, stiff, unyielding.

The blue swirls are also blocking the figure from the waves in the lower right hand corner. The waves could represent the natural cycles of life, but the figure is unable to see them because of the "protection" of the swirly blue design.

The red eye hangs over everything in the drawing. It is fairly abstract, although I think it could represent a negative introvert, watching, judging and criticizing the figure's every move, while the figure struggles to gain some control over the introvert while protecting the tiny shoot of life trying to grow far below. The eye could also represent a twisted view of truth. It could be that some part of me holds that I am responsible for the "bad" things in my life, that the darkness I see comes from me.

The tree could be interpreted as an arbor vitae, or a life-symbol:

Furth said:

Trees and Age
Looking at a tree as a life-symbol, one should ask if the tree is balanced, if it is healthy, or if its leaves can provide photosynthesis for the tree. We look for its rootedness and grounding in the earth.
The "life line" is drawn vertically from the base of the tree to the top of the crown, and notable markings on the tree - such as cut-off limbs, wounds, holes, height where foliage begins, broken branches, and so forth - should be noted and correlated to the age of the patient. Questions about these time periods corresponding to the markings on the tree reveal significant information from the person's unconscious.

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This makes the large tree one of the most interesting aspects of the drawing. The tree is 8 inches tall from the base, and I am nearly 29 years old, so each inch represents about 3.6 years. The first branch is about 2 1/4 inches up, or 8 years old, and the first fruit is at around 10 years old. The trunk of the tree is twisted, as if it is containing something. I have little memory of my earlier years and am only just starting to recover some. The foliage in the branches is sparse, hardly enough to support a tree that large. There are only a few fruits, and they are small and occur between the ages of 10 and 12 or 13. There are 7 of them, which may be significant. The big brown thing starts around the time the fruit disappears and goes until I am 21 or 22 and continues in the form of the abstract green shoot surrounded by blue bars until I am 27. This period of time was marked by avoidance and escape for me. This took the form of computer games, reading fantasy novels and schoolwork. This figure seems to be soaking up all of the life from the tree, and it underpins an abstract representation of the sprout similar to the one in the lower left hand corner. The three bars on the right could represent the continuance of the three legs of the brown figure, while the large blue swoop on the left could symbolize an added barrier of drinking. The red bars topped by the yellow halo could represent something similar, or it could represent a counter-force, as the colors seem much more active to me. They go from around age 19 or 20 until up to the present.

It is interesting to note that the tree seems extremely well rooted, the foliage is sparse and thins as the tree gets larger. The branches spread out off of the page, which could be representative of a reluctance on my part to truly embrace life. The abstract figures in the upper parts of the tree are indicative of avoidance . There are 28 leaves (I am 28 years old), there are 7 fruit (the year my family moved to Vermont, a difficult time for me I think).

These drawings seem to visually represent several important aspects of my psyche that are described in the "big five" psych books.

Responsibility, Risk, Avoidance and Self-Protection

The Myth of Sanity said:

People who are compelled and organized by a sense of responsibility for their actions tend to recover.

And conversely, sadly, people whose directive meaning systems do not include such a conviction tend not to recover, tend to remain dissociatively fragmented and lost.

This distinction is other than that of perceived locus of control - Who has the power, I or the universe? - which is an understandably double-edged issue for nearly all survivors of trauma. Rather, the difference is that of tenaciously assuming personal responsibility for one's own actions, and therefore taking on personal risk, versus placing the highest valuation upon personal safety, both physical and emotional, which often precludes the acknowledgment of responsibility. (If I acknowledge responsibility toward my child - or my friend or my ideas or my community - then I may be compelled to stick my neck out. I may have to do, or feel, something that will make me feel vulnerable.) Here, the psychology of trauma comes full circle, in that the original function of dissociation is to buffer and protect; and so by rights, patients who value self-protection above all else should be candidates for treatment failure, even though they may experience, in addition, an ambivalent wish to be rid of their devitalizing dissociative reactions.

A self-protective system of mind may express itself behaviorally in many ways. Three of the most common ways can be characterized as action-avoidant dependency upon another person or upon a confining set of rules, a preoccupation with reassigning blame, and actions and complaints that indicate a lack of perspective on one's own problems relative to the problems of others.

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It seems to me that self protective behavior is very evident in the drawings that I have shared so far. They are largely abstract, full of barriers, and I have attempted to intellectualize them through written interpretations. I was brought up in a very protective household, one that by all outside standards was better and more loving than most. I can remember no overt child abuse or trauma, not like many poor children endure, not like the trauma that many here on the forums had to endure. So I figure that the most obvious explanation is that of the Narcissistic Family model:

The Narcissistic Family said:

Within this population we found common behavioral traits as well: a chronic need to please; an inability to identify feelings, wants and needs; and a need for constant validation. This group of patients felt that the bad things that happened to them were well deserved, while the good things that happened to them were probably mistakes or accidents. They had difficulty being assertive, privately feeling a pervasive sense of rage that they feared might surface. They felt like paper tigers - often very angry, but easily beaten down. Their interpersonal relationships were characterized by distrust and suspicion (bordering on paranoia), interspersed with often disastrous episodes of total and injudicious trusting and self-disclosure. They were chronically dissatisfied, but were fearful of being perceived as whiners or complainers if they expressed their true feelings. Many could hold their anger in for extremely long periods of time, then become explosive over relatively insignificant matters. They had a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction with their achievements; this was found even among individuals who externally may have been viewed as very successful. The list of people included professionals who were unable to achieve at a level at which they found satisfaction. In relationships these individuals frequently found themselves in repeated dead-end situations.

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This describes me almost to a T, and some of it was pointed out to me in an exchange from almost exactly 2 years ago here: http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=9245.msg82007#msg82007

domi said:

PepperFritz said:

With your tendency to want to "please" and and seek "approval"

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Hi Seamas,

I suggest reading "The Narcissistic Family" (QFG recommended reading list) to understand more where these programs might be coming from.

Understanding more about the possible root cause will help you with your self-observation.

Dominique

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PepperFritz said:

Seamas said:

I hope that I covered this topic in a way that "correctly" conveys the concepts we are discussing.

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You certainly seem to have grasped the concepts very well, on an intellectual level. The trick is putting them into practice. With your tendency to want to "please" and and seek "approval", I would caution against trying to overhaul yourself all at once, or to expect "big changes", because it simply doesn't work that way. Set realistic goals, take baby steps, one day at a time. The important thing is to be consistent, to start building a daily practice of self-observation, knowing that over time you will become less and less mechanical in your responses, and more and more insightful into your own behaviour. Many of us have found it helpful to simply concentrate on observation to begin with, and not even think about changing behaviour. Sometimes it takes seeing the same behaviour repeated over and over and over again to really grasp the mechanical nature of it, and to explore the emotional issues behind it. Trying to effect change without understanding can only lead to frustration and disappointment. The technique of splitting yourself in two -- with one part of you performing the mechanical behaviour, and the other part objectively observing it as it happens -- can be a good approach.

Seamas said:

I feel a fear that I will make a mistake and be corrected as a tightness in my throat. Part of me is asking you to give me your thoughts and insights in the hope that you approve of my analysis, so that "I" can feel like progress is being made.

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No one is here to judge you. We're all in the same boat. The C's tell us over and over again that "Knowledge Protects", but emphasize that the intellectual grasp of Knowledge is not enough -- it must be APPLIED, in order to be effective. But putting pressure on yourself to "progress" and "succeed" will not help. Because it's a never-ending process, one that is never "done", or "accomplished". And, remember, the "mirroring" that we practice here as a group is not "criticism", or some sort of expression of dissatisfaction with you, it is simply a means to help each other see what we could not see if we were trying to do the Work in isolation.

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anart said:

Seamas said:

I appreciate this very much. I'm looking for a mirror. The issues that I'm writing about in these posts are issues that I have struggled with on my own and I have made some progress. But mostly I've been chasing my own tail, and I have to smile at the visual image that statement brings up. A year ago I mistook much of what I was seeing here as criticism and a harsh attitude and I figured that it was the result of people here getting burned so many times. I guess something in me knew that I wasn't ready yet, so I started reading and didn't worry about posting. Recently I feel a drive, a commitment to study the material, and a sincerity that I haven't felt since I was a young boy. I won't take comments as criticism or judgment.

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Hi Seamas,

From what you've written, it sounds like your motor center is acting up - you're impatient and, in some ways, demanding. You want results - and now.

You're 'looking for a mirror'. A true mirror is really - truly - unpleasant to the personality (I cannot overstate this fact) - so stating that you 'want it' indicates that you truly do not understand what it is.

S said:

Your comment about consistency makes me think of G's teaching about octaves and the need for shocks to keep the octave moving upward, otherwise the octave moves naturally downward, into entropy.

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The other aspect of a shock is not giving 'it' what it wants. Not giving 'it' attention, or a 'mirror', or a clarification on what 'its' interpretation of the Work might be; to basically point out that the student is attempting to be the architect of the school and it does not work that way.

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I have tried to take the good advice given to me at that point, and in other places and apply it, OSIT. If this were not the case, I would not be able to write this now. However, it is clear to me that I am lying to myself in many ways, avoiding, refusing to see, or struggling to understand some very central issues. For instance, I am struggling to understand that "intellectual grasp of Knowledge is not enough -- it must be APPLIED, in order to be effective". The drive to be the "architect of the school" still rules me. Both of these concepts could be symbolized in the figure I analyzed in my last post, the drive to control (the spear) and a lack of real application of knowledge (no hands, feet and face).

Working through these drawings seems helpful for me because it is a different form of expression (artistic/emotional) than what I usually employ (verbal, written word - intellectual). Knowing intellectually that I exhibit the traits of dissociation and narcissistic wounding and actually facing that pain and observing its effects are different things. I thought that I knew the difference between reading a book about something or knowing it intellectually and actually applying it to my life, but I've been afraid to really face myself and take responsibility for my life. I'm still afraid, but maybe it will be ok if I give up trying to change myself all at once.

*edit fixed link

Thank you, Seamas, for posting these pictures, quotes, and speculations. There's a lot to consider here, and it may give me a reason to start making art again myself, except this time for self-insight as opposed to a source of distraction, obsession(?), and external approval. I'll have to look into the psychology books eventually, once I've read the Wave. It seems like the self-protective mode might describe me as well.

I don't think I should make this all about me, so I'll provide my interpretations.

In the "Confused World" picture, I notice that the red eye is turned up and away from the page, as if it is refusing to see its own reality. Maybe it has contempt for reality, represented by the color red. It spreads darkness by spreading its own lies and ignorance. Or maybe a better way to say it is that the eye spreads darkness by refusing to see. The waves in the corner extend off the page, suggesting that they continue in both directions forever; they have no end, possibly suggesting despair or hopelessness in the face of the ups and downs of the "waters" of your life? It is also interesting that the "warrior" figure stands on an island of solid ground, surrounded by floating abstract figures and water. The blue mass which appears to be spreading or reaching outward from the center-right seems to be the central element of the picture, which everything else shrinks away from. It is the most darkly and thoroughly colored element in the picture, and appears to be spreading and blocking the other elements off from each other. Could it represent a desire to keep things separate and abstract and not look at the whole picture? It seems like the most chaotic and uncomfortable element of the picture, but that might just be me. I notice that the sprout at the bottom left appears to be somewhat frail, while the one at the top surrounded by blue appears strong, but isn't "grounded". Perhaps one represents your actual will, while the other represents the false "image" of will, which is being defended by the blue symbols, which could represent rationalizations without real meaning? Also, I notice that there are 'three sets of threes' in the upper left corner - three brown ribbons, three red rays, and three blue dashes. I don't know if there's any significance in that. Maybe there is also a similarity between the "halo" radiating red and the red eye?

The "Black Heart" image contains a lot of tension and forces acting against one another. The red pentagram is in the center of all of this, and appears to be the source of the irritation. The barriers are being pushed or directed inward by the blue arrows, creating further pressure and reflecting pain back inwards. To me the overall sense of the image seems to be one of pain - as if the red star is a thorny burr lodged in the heart, and perhaps rage is how this pain manifests. This is just speculation, but perhaps if the pain (if that is what it is) could be recognized as such, it could be healed. I must note that I'm not entirely confident in my assessment here.

In "Green Heart", the pink spiral is sort of blocked off by the black line, which makes it seem like it's not a natural part of the heart. Comparing it to the Black Heart picture, I get the impression that the red start has been swirled and shaped into a ball to make it seem less menacing or to try and contain it. Maybe like a tightly wound coil waiting to break loose? It seems like there is activity happening outside, but the heart is blocked from participating by its protective blue "shell".

"Embrace The Darkness": I agree that this one seems more playful and free than the other pictures. I notice that aside from the writing, there aren't any sharp lines or corners at all. I wonder whether the creature represents the darkness, or the one being spoken to by the text? It's interesting that it has such a non-threatening, "primitive" appearance.

The "Fire and Ice" Mandala is interesting to me, as it contains a lot of duality. Red vs. blue, large vs. small, round vs. sharp, inner focus (ice pointing inward) vs. outward focus (fire pointing outward). As an aside, in the center I see a white and red flower floating on water, a surprisingly serene image in the midst of the uncomfortable sharp lines of the outer circle. It seems like a very creative combination (fire and water) is being suppressed by the rigidly structured "Ice" around it. The rigidness of the ice makes it appear fragile, however.

Anyway, I hope any of this is helpful. This all gives me things to think about.

Hi HowToBe,

HowToBe said:

Thank you, Seamas, for posting these pictures, quotes, and speculations. There's a lot to consider here, and it may give me a reason to start making art again myself, except this time for self-insight as opposed to a source of distraction, obsession(?), and external approval. I'll have to look into the psychology books eventually, once I've read the Wave. It seems like the self-protective mode might describe me as well.

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The wave the place to start. I frequently review specific chapters, often when other forum members quote them, and each time I do I find something new, or something I missed the first time around.

I made all of these drawings around Christmas time, and I haven't had time to do any more since then. Looking back I think that was a particularly difficult period for me emotionally, and creating these drawings was helpful. Sharing them here also gave them more "weight", and hearing other people's thoughts has been helpful.

HowToBe said:

Anyway, I hope any of this is helpful. This all gives me things to think about.

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Yes, your thoughts are helpful. You gave me more things to think about too :) Thanks for your reply.

Wow, it looks like the alchemist symbolical paintings. I like to read others drawings, so let me read them little by little so I may tell you what I think, it looks interesting and a little crazy at the same time LOL.

Well, the thing about not know about you I think it is represented in the three drawings, because as they may be meaning something, they are obviously kind of chaotic, something here, something there, like not in order.

And its cool the heart of compassion, if you look those zig zag lines, they look like, some energy or something holding the heart, so it may not become the heart of rage, and by doing it and forcing the heart, it creates confusion because it is not being educated, it is forced, so maybe that's why that spiral inside.

Remember my times of basically heart death, I was drawing demons and horrible black serious creatures, pure symbolic to my actual emotional state.

Hi cubbex,

Thanks for your thoughts! You're right, I was feeling a little crazy when I made these drawings.

cubbex said:

And its cool the heart of compassion, if you look those zig zag lines, they look like, some energy or something holding the heart, so it may not become the heart of rage, and by doing it and forcing the heart, it creates confusion because it is not being educated, it is forced, so maybe that's why that spiral inside.

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This is about how I am viewing that particular drawing as well.

[quote author=cubbex]
Remember my times of basically heart death, I was drawing demons and horrible black serious creatures, pure symbolic to my actual emotional state.
[/quote]

Its pretty interesting how the drawings one creates reflects one's emotional state. Makes me think that everything I create reflects my emotional state...