Acceptance

[cazamara]

Maybe a different example can clarify a little further. Let's say I find myself in a certain situation, my boss is a jerk, my coworkers are world-class idiots, or my wife is the evil witch of the west herself. It doesn't matter which situation it is.
Acceptance is the attitude to tell oneself: ok, here is the situation, what can I do about it? Or in other words, the rules of the game have changed, what's the best strategy to sail through all of this until the rules change again? Lamenting that the situation is unjust or unfair doesn't help, it only makes it more difficult to find an adequate strategy.
It applies also to the attitude we have to life in general. Instead of lamenting: I wish I could live forever, or I wish I had super powers, it is more rational to accept one's limitless and deal with it the best possible: I may have some days/months/years to live, how do I deal with limited time to maximize my learning and experience (which is to live life). This doesn't mean to agree to some abuse. For instance, if there is a bully in your life, you accept that there is a bully in your life and that the meaning of the game is to find out how to deal with it: do you fight of flee? Which is the best strategy?

This thread is very interesting and important to me.
Throughout almost all my life I had suffered from depression, which in many ways had defined my reality, the way I was able to perceive a situation I would find myself in. A friend of mine used to tell me: "you have a choice of seeing a half full or a half empty glass. It seems that you always see a half empty glass." - and she was right.

Ever since I started with my diet changes, 2011, just going gluten and dairy free, I noticed that my depression had gradually fading away and eventually completely disappeared. Two months ago I started with the keto diet and, after only one month, I noticed that my energy level was significantly increased, my focus improved, and my thoughts became much clearer.

So, only now I can see the difference between the ability to clearly see a situation as it IS rather than seeing it through colored lenses of my own feelings. And this ability of "seeing" is making me capable of accepting a situation for what it is at the given moment knowing that it's up to me weather I will accept it simply as my"destiny", or I will accept it as IS for the time being knowing that I have a choice to act and find my way out of it, strategy being the key player. I don't delude myself by thinking that this could be possible without a hard and consistent work on my part, as Obitavel said: "For new circuits to build, it will take a lot of repetition."

I also think that this realization of having a CHOICE TO ACT is crucial because it gives us back the power to be in control of ourselves, an active player and not merely a pawn. This is not to say that our action, even if done with the best possible strategic approach, will guarantee the desirable result. It only means that we are just fighting for our possibility to BE. Just wished to share my thoughts...

 

[obyvatel]

Here is a story I came across related to this theme. It is taken from a book "Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung" by Ajahn Brahm.

"After we purchased the land for our monastery in 1983 we were broke. We were in debt. There were no buildings on the land, not even a shed. Those first few weeks we slept not on beds but on old doors we had bought cheaply from the salvage yard; we raised them on bricks at each corner to lift them off the ground. (There were no mattresses, of course — we were forest monks.)

"The abbot had the best door, the flat one. My door was ribbed with a sizeable hole in the center where the doorknob would have been. I joked that now I wouldn't need to get out of bed to go to the toilet! The cold truth was, however, that the wind would come up through that hole. I didn't sleep much those nights.

"We were poor monks who needed buildings. We couldn't afford to employ a builder — the materials were expensive enough. So I had to learn how to build: how to prepare the foundations, lay concrete and bricks, erect the roof, put in the plumbing — the whole lot. I had been a theoretical physicist and high-school teacher in lay life, not used to working with my hands. After a few years, I became quite skilled at building, even calling my crew the BBC ("Buddhist Building Company"). But when I started it was very difficult.

"It may look easy to lay a brick: a dollop of mortar underneath, a little tap here, a little tap there. But when I began laying bricks, I'd tap one corner down to make it level and another corner would go up. So I'd tap that corner down then the brick would move out of line. After I'd nudged it back into line, the first corner would be too high again. Hey, you try it!

"Being a monk, I had patience and as much time as I needed. I made sure every single brick was perfect, no matter how long it took. Eventually, I completed my first brick wall and stood back to admire it. It was only then that I noticed— oh no! — I'd missed two bricks. All the other bricks were nicely in line, but these two were inclined at an angle. They looked terrible. They spoiled the whole wall. They ruined it.

"By then, the cement mortar was too hard for the bricks to be taken out, so I asked the abbot if I could knock the wall down and start over again — or, even better, perhaps blow it up. I'd made a mess of it and I was very embarrassed. The abbot said no, the wall had to stay.

"When I showed our first visitors around our fledgling monastery, I always tried to avoid taking them past my brick wall. I hated anyone seeing it. Then one day, some three or four months after I finished it, I was walking with a visitor and he saw the wall.

" 'That's a nice wall,' he casually remarked.

" 'Sir,' I replied in surprise, 'have you left your glasses in your car? Are you visually impaired? Can't you see those two bad bricks which spoil the whole wall?'

"What he said next changed my whole view of that wall, of myself, and of many other aspects of life. He said, "Yes. I can see those two bad bricks. But I can see the 998 good bricks as well.'

"I was stunned. For the first time in over three months, I could see other bricks in that wall apart from the two mistakes. Above, below, to the left and to the right of the bad bricks were good bricks, perfect bricks. Moreover, the perfect bricks were many, many more than the two bad bricks. Before, my eyes would focus exclusively on my two mistakes; I was blind to everything else. That was why I couldn't bear looking at that wall, or having others see it. That was why I wanted to destroy it. Now that I could see the good bricks, the wall didn't look so bad after all. It was, as the visitor had said, 'a nice brick wall.' It's still there now, twenty years later, but I've forgotten exactly where those bad bricks are. I literally cannot see those mistakes any more.

 

[luke wilson]

Here is a story I came across related to this theme. It is taken from a book "Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung" by Ajahn Brahm.

"After we purchased the land for our monastery in 1983 we were broke. We were in debt. There were no buildings on the land, not even a shed. Those first few weeks we slept not on beds but on old doors we had bought cheaply from the salvage yard; we raised them on bricks at each corner to lift them off the ground. (There were no mattresses, of course — we were forest monks.)

"The abbot had the best door, the flat one. My door was ribbed with a sizeable hole in the center where the doorknob would have been. I joked that now I wouldn't need to get out of bed to go to the toilet! The cold truth was, however, that the wind would come up through that hole. I didn't sleep much those nights.

"We were poor monks who needed buildings. We couldn't afford to employ a builder — the materials were expensive enough. So I had to learn how to build: how to prepare the foundations, lay concrete and bricks, erect the roof, put in the plumbing — the whole lot. I had been a theoretical physicist and high-school teacher in lay life, not used to working with my hands. After a few years, I became quite skilled at building, even calling my crew the BBC ("Buddhist Building Company"). But when I started it was very difficult.

"It may look easy to lay a brick: a dollop of mortar underneath, a little tap here, a little tap there. But when I began laying bricks, I'd tap one corner down to make it level and another corner would go up. So I'd tap that corner down then the brick would move out of line. After I'd nudged it back into line, the first corner would be too high again. Hey, you try it!

"Being a monk, I had patience and as much time as I needed. I made sure every single brick was perfect, no matter how long it took. Eventually, I completed my first brick wall and stood back to admire it. It was only then that I noticed— oh no! — I'd missed two bricks. All the other bricks were nicely in line, but these two were inclined at an angle. They looked terrible. They spoiled the whole wall. They ruined it.

"By then, the cement mortar was too hard for the bricks to be taken out, so I asked the abbot if I could knock the wall down and start over again — or, even better, perhaps blow it up. I'd made a mess of it and I was very embarrassed. The abbot said no, the wall had to stay.

"When I showed our first visitors around our fledgling monastery, I always tried to avoid taking them past my brick wall. I hated anyone seeing it. Then one day, some three or four months after I finished it, I was walking with a visitor and he saw the wall.

" 'That's a nice wall,' he casually remarked.

" 'Sir,' I replied in surprise, 'have you left your glasses in your car? Are you visually impaired? Can't you see those two bad bricks which spoil the whole wall?'

"What he said next changed my whole view of that wall, of myself, and of many other aspects of life. He said, "Yes. I can see those two bad bricks. But I can see the 998 good bricks as well.'

"I was stunned. For the first time in over three months, I could see other bricks in that wall apart from the two mistakes. Above, below, to the left and to the right of the bad bricks were good bricks, perfect bricks. Moreover, the perfect bricks were many, many more than the two bad bricks. Before, my eyes would focus exclusively on my two mistakes; I was blind to everything else. That was why I couldn't bear looking at that wall, or having others see it. That was why I wanted to destroy it. Now that I could see the good bricks, the wall didn't look so bad after all. It was, as the visitor had said, 'a nice brick wall.' It's still there now, twenty years later, but I've forgotten exactly where those bad bricks are. I literally cannot see those mistakes any more.

Interesting! It made me think about looking at ones life and only noticing the things that aren't as you want and not seeing everything else that is.

 

[Esote]

"...I literally cannot see those mistakes any more."

The end of this great story is the part which belongs to the Monk Way I think, but not to the Fourth Way of the Work.
I agree that it's much 'wiser' to look at the good qualities before all else. That's how we can love for example, because we can see and focus on those qualities in what or who we love.
Now when looking right and left as in the Fourth Way we can still see the mistakes, we don't forget the dark side. And if we firstly see the bright one we allow the 'good' to shine and soar, with acceptance toward the imperfection in the sense of an understanding of it's necessity in our 3D world, for life to grow and evolve.
In doing so we acknowledge the 'bad' without giving it the opportunity to be the whole picture, but keeping it at the level of a stepping stone to be able to reach a higher point of view. OSIT

 

[electrosonic]

The end of this great story is the part which belongs to the Monk Way I think, but not to the Fourth Way of the Work.

Maybe it depends on how you look at it...

If you 'deny' that you have two incorrectly placed bricks in the wall then you are only deluding yourself.

If you 'Accept' that you have two incorrectly placed bricks in the wall, then move on, you can get on with your life.

 

[Esote]

The end of this great story is the part which belongs to the Monk Way I think, but not to the Fourth Way of the Work.

Maybe it depends on how you look at it...

If you 'deny' that you have two incorrectly placed bricks in the wall then you are only deluding yourself.

If you 'Accept' that you have two incorrectly placed bricks in the wall, then move on, you can get on with your life.

That's why I wrote this post : the monk "cannot see those mistakes any more". It rather looks like some kind of oblivion than real acceptance. It all depends on how we look at things so far...

 

[obyvatel]

The end of this great story is the part which belongs to the Monk Way I think, but not to the Fourth Way of the Work.

Maybe it depends on how you look at it...

If you 'deny' that you have two incorrectly placed bricks in the wall then you are only deluding yourself.

If you 'Accept' that you have two incorrectly placed bricks in the wall, then move on, you can get on with your life.

That's why I wrote this post : the monk "cannot see those mistakes any more". It rather looks like some kind of oblivion than real acceptance. It all depends on how we look at things so far...

It is interesting in this context how you took one sentence out of the description of a practical situation evaluated it as a difference between the monk's way and the 4th way.

The point of the story was about exclusively focused rumination on past mistakes in a way that interfered with seeing the overall picture. It is like carrying a burden on one's shoulders long after it could have been dropped.

Also, from a practical perspective, I have spent days on a project learning a new skill, making mistakes and correcting them as much as possible finally completing it. I am dismayed that at the end there were a couple of mistakes. All these are natural reactions and conducive to skill building. Now at this point I can take one of 2 options. First option is to ruminate over the mistake and devalue the whole project as the author of the story did. Second option is to acknowledge, yes, there a couple of mistakes but overall the project met its goals. Afterwards when I look at the project, the mistakes do not stand out like sore thumbs but merge against the backdrop of the overall project.

Then comes the time when I have to do a similar project. Which of the above 2 choices made beforehand would be more conducive towards a skilled execution of the subsequent project? Actually, I have done the author's mistake in my life. I have subsequently realized that taking the "ruminating over the mistake option" leads to an aversion towards taking up a similar project. What if I make some other mistake, if not the same one ? Not only that, it can also lead to a general aversion of getting into any new activity which involves a relatively steep learning curve.

So the point is not to gloss over mistakes, but learn from them and also take them in proper perspective. It is about making a practical discrimination between "good enough" and "perfection". If one has looked into one's mistakes for some time, subsequently taking up a broader perspective does not lead to "oblivion".

OSIT

 

[Joe]

In terms of 4th way Work, I think simple acceptance isn't really the goal, rather 'acceptance+' is the goal. We're talking here about situations that provoke negative emotions in us. Those emotions are to be used as fuel for observing the self and gaining control over our reactions. So if by acceptance we mean control over our emotional responses, but not the emotions themselves which we still feel, then it's all good. The problem I see is that practicing acceptance for its own sake might lead to a certain apathy in the face of life's struggles, a 'dumbing-down' of our emotional response, a 'suck it up in return for a peaceful life' type attitude, that is not conducive to Work on the self, self-observation etc.

I think my point is that we don't start out having much control over our negative emotional responses to situations, but it is in observing those responses, i.e. bringing consciousness to bear on them, that we gain a measure of control over how they drive us to act, often to our regret. With such control, we can consciously choose which way to act. To say 'yes' or 'no', depending on the situation. So simply aiming for acceptance isn't really the goal, I think.

 

[Esote]

...
So the point is not to gloss over mistakes, but learn from them and also take them in proper perspective. It is about making a practical discrimination between "good enough" and "perfection". If one has looked into one's mistakes for some time, subsequently taking up a broader perspective does not lead to "oblivion".

Taking up a broader perspective is the main point for sure. And oblivion might be too strong a word in this context.
Instead of saying that the monk "cannot see those mistakes any more", it could have been that the monk doesn't give any more importance to the mistakes, so that the interpretation of the story may not give way to the one I pointed out (which may have nothing to do with the Monk's Way actually, but definitely is far from the 4th Way).
Acceptance through denying or oblivion could be what some New Age people remember, at least it appeared so to me.

...
I think my point is that we don't start out having much control over our negative emotional responses to situations, but it is in observing those responses, i.e. bringing consciousness to bear on them, that we gain a measure of control over how they drive us to act, often to our regret. With such control, we can consciously choose which way to act. To say 'yes' or 'no', depending on the situation. So simply aiming for acceptance isn't really the goal, I think.

I agree that 'simply aiming for acceptance isn't really the goal', which is to consciously choose how and what to look for in order to act in a proper perspective...
AFAIK

 

[obyvatel]

In terms of 4th way Work, I think simple acceptance isn't really the goal, rather 'acceptance+' is the goal.

Agree.

The rest of what I write in this post is an effort to unpack the "acceptance+".

[quote author=Joe]
We're talking here about situations that provoke negative emotions in us. Those emotions are to be used as fuel for observing the self and gaining control over our reactions. So if by acceptance we mean control over our emotional responses, but not the emotions themselves which we still feel, then it's all good.
[/quote]

Acceptance is the mental attitude in the first step where we observe the current situation, the data acquisition step. The observation answers questions like

- what is going on outside (the external situation)
- what is going on inside (the internal reaction)

In order to efficiently extract the salient features of the present situation, we need to avoid distractions. Some common forms of distractions can be

- I do not like it
- This is not happening to me
- Rather what should be happening is .....

It is not that these judgements are wrong. It is just that these hinder the efficiency of the data acquisition step. These may rise automatically. The attitude of acceptance in this first step is to keep judgements at bay.

At the neural level, this means inhibiting the first judgement reactions and let the neutral observational questions hold the center stage. I would speculate that this is related to letting the allocentric processing stream in the brain (which asks "what is this") to work with maximum neural and energetic resources and not diverting resources to the egocenteric processing stream prematurely.

The next steps are recognition and evaluation of the data collected. The recognition phase involves searching memory banks for matching patterns from past experiences. Evaluation follows. Here we can come up with judgements regarding the situation.

Finally, we choose the response to the situation.

Acceptance has less (if any) of a direct role to play in the recognition and evaluation phases. However, if we let the distractions free rein in the data acquisition phase, it affects the range of options that are brought up in the recognition and evaluation phases. This restricted range in turn affects the quality of the final response we choose to go with.

Now, the question would be how could the starting attitude of acceptance affect the final response to the situation detrimentally?

[quote author=Joe]
The problem I see is that practicing acceptance for its own sake might lead to a certain apathy in the face of life's struggles, a 'dumbing-down' of our emotional response, a 'suck it up in return for a peaceful life' type attitude, that is not conducive to Work on the self, self-observation etc.
[/quote]

Here we are talking about a more global view of acceptance, specially in a form that is detrimental to optimal response to situations.

The way I look at it, the way we choose to respond is the result of the previously mentioned process, broken up in steps for ease of discussion.

If the evaluation of the situation warrants an agreement with the situation as it is unfolding, then we can respond with an act of affirmation. We do something to help along the existing situation.

If the result of evaluation is that we do not agree with how the situation is developing, then we can respond with an act of negation. We do something to stop the existing situation from completing its course (based on our understanding of what that is).

The third option is we do not interfere with the situation. We can be indifferent.

So, it seems that the perceived problem with practicing acceptance comes from thinking that this involves an apriori decision to choose either an affirmative or indifferent response to any situation without going through the step-wise process. This was not the understanding of or intention behind bringing up the topic of acceptance for discussion.


Some people have distinguished between acceptance and apathy in terms of a global or macro attitude, which I believe meshes with the rest of the unpacking of "acceptance+".

“Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is- especially when you don’t like it-and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.

“Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the world. Apathy fails to distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance makes that distinction. Apathy paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens.”

 

[Ollie]

...

...
I think my point is that we don't start out having much control over our negative emotional responses to situations, but it is in observing those responses, i.e. bringing consciousness to bear on them, that we gain a measure of control over how they drive us to act, often to our regret. With such control, we can consciously choose which way to act. To say 'yes' or 'no', depending on the situation. So simply aiming for acceptance isn't really the goal, I think.

I agree that 'simply aiming for acceptance isn't really the goal', which is to consciously choose how and what to look for in order to act in a proper perspective...
AFAIK

I agree, bringing to bear conscious awareness in any situation leads to both: control and (hence) choice; choice and (hence) control, of our actions.

 

[Miss.K]

As I understand acceptance, it is that in order to change something, one has to know what is, (how can one change something that is not known?) instead of all the emotional reactions of not wanting things to be how they are.

When things are in a way that one doesn't like, denial makes it impossible to change. Whether the denial is positive or negative (I'm so great that it must be everyone else that are idiots, or I can only see the 2 bad bricks in the wall so my work is ruined)

It is I think the same that G says about first one must observe (both outwards and inwards) before doing anything.
Denial makes observation impossible, hence acceptance of what is, is necessary in order to observe.

Of cause it is not always possible to know what is, as some things might be unknown or unknowable, but then it helps to make clear for one self what is unknown or unknowable, and see the rest for what it is.

OSIT ...

 

[Esote]

...
Of cause it is not always possible to know what is, as some things might be unknown or unknowable, but then it helps to make clear for one self what is unknown or unknowable, and see the rest for what it is.

OSIT ...

Hi Miss.K
What could be seen as "the rest for what it is" ?
Neither unknown or unknowable makes it clear !
May be acceptance then ?..
:)

 

[Charade]

My mind is reeling from bringing together and making connections with separate topics that have given me an AHA moment that I have been hoping for. Firstly, thank you Obyvatel for starting this thread. Secondly, I am thankful that I received an email saying posts had been made here that I hadn't remembered I had requested notification about.

Water. The C's bringing up the programming of water was a topic I was familiar with but hadn't been using. I began to program the intent of self acceptance in my water and daily awareness. So acceptance is on my radar at the moment. I don't want to bore anyone with the details but the blending of ideas from 9/11 The Ultimate Truth about psychopathy and pathocracy which led to the C's session 12 July 2014 on Julius Caesar and Christianity were what I started reading this morning. The Stoics were mentioned in the session ( and I hope to research further) but led to the definition of ; a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining. I practiced this method of operation when I was in debilitating pain for the past 6 years. I have had hip surgery so the pain is gone, but I was still left wondering why and what is the lesson here? I have found, having a perfectionist type of personality, that it is easy to focus on the all mistakes in life so that "what went wrong" is all I could see. How do I stop doing this? I think all have offered some very useful clues.

I had a horse, named Charade, that came into my life because, being a full bred Arabian, she didn't have the perfect confirmation that the breeder was looking for. Because of imperfections I received one of the most enriching experiences of my life and a wonderful teacher and companion. She became an extension of my persona. Right before I was told of her death, I experienced something being torn out of me. I have pondered this a great deal. Today, the light went on that she embodied all that was perfect and acceptable about myself. A projection or a representation of what was good in life. The time since then has been one of physically breaking down to the point of not being able to move freely without pain, to the point of not being able to walk. I've been very athletic and active all my of life so this was devastating and unacceptable. And I denied it for a long time as something I could cure. Without the pain now...where was my happiness? I didn't feel it. I think, I have been operating with only being aware of what is wrong. Much like surgery to remove arthritis, it is time to perform a mental operation, of sorts, to remove this limited view of life and replace it with a balanced awareness of self.

Quote from 9/11 The Ultimate Truth:
Every person assimilates psychological characteristics throughout his or her life, but particularly during childhood. This can be via mental resonance, identification, imitation, and other means of communication. This assimilation is what builds a person’s personality and world-view. If these types of influences are contaminated by pathological factors and malformations within those who interact closely with the individual in question, the development of that person may be likewise deformed. He will be unable to correctly understand himself or others, or to understand normal human relations and morals, and he or she will commit evil acts with no feeling (or a poor awareness) of being deformed relative to the rest of society.

I include this excerpt from what I was reading this morning because it reminded me of early negative programming I received about being selfish. With what we know about STO or STS. I try so hard to change these tendencies.


Programming my water with positive affirmations and music and this thread about acceptance are releasing stuck emotions... allowing the "yes" to me and a "yes" attitude towards life to return. To want to go forward again and not be stuck in one place because of a self destructive pattern of thought and behavior that can eventually lead to ill health and regret. I don't want to continue to be "resigned" to life and act with a "heavy" attitude. It has completely drained me. I've been battling my selfish perfectionist self hatred for a long time. I knew self acceptance was the key but not sure how to engage it. I am hopeful that I will be able to make progress with the suggestions offered here. It's too easy to hold onto many burdens that should have been "put down" long ago in order to meet the challenges of each new day. So thank you, this has been a needed therapy session for me. It is amazing the positive effect we can have on others.

But the weight doesn't go away completely when one must hold the knowledge of truth and lies in this world. I feel like I must hold it for those I love who aren't ready to see and accept reality as it really is. It's hard to not shatter what they are emotionally invested in and keeps them going. I think what has seemed like mistakes and tragedy for me has been so necessary to learning that I will have a much greater respect and gratitude for what isn't perfect.


This has been a very beneficial breakthrough in my being. Thank you to all for the wonderful insights about acceptance.

Susan