An apologie

[stellar]

Just wish to offer my sincerest apologies to Masamune and all forum members for my last post which was insensitive, harsh, inconsiderate and rude. I have no right to asume certain conclusions without a full context of the situation and the person/s involved, so a lack of knowledge of self and my programmes has led me down a path of false knowledge which resulted in hurting others. I am truly sorry. :(

However I am still here willing to face my demons in a more calmed and controlled mindset and accept all your comments with gratitude and faith that I can learn from them. So a sincere thank you also, I know I am among friends without doubt because I would not be replying to someone I did not trust.

For afew weeks I have been quite severely depressed and held it to myself (stupid? :/). I meditated asking for clarity on what it was in me that was making me feel this way. It was during that time that I posted my reply and even though my heart was beating a million miles and hour I had to send the post. Some lesson was bound to come from it. Otherwise a part of some programme would never get revealed and dealt with.

Since that time I have refrained from posting and decided to watch if,when and how I would notice that behaviour again. I did't have to wait long and in a period of one week it happened several times, sometimes subtle and sometimes not. Arrogant disdain for those that cannot see what I see. I have no idea if that is a form a chief feature can take but in retrospect it has happend countless times so that is one thing that I'm working on seeing and controlling as it takes place. I'm sure there will be others that will become obvious in due course but this on is a helu'va doozy to work with every day.

Just want to add that your feedback was helpfull and for some reason I felt no anymosity the last few days just relief that I had something to work on. I'm just sorry that it was at the price of hurting other's feelings.

I will keep working on the issue and try to limit my posts until I am thinking more clearly or you guys deem that it is appropriate that I continue.

 

[Nienna]

Stellar, I'm thinking that this was a hard post to write and I am glad that you took this opportunity to look at yourself. Just having seen this about yourself is a huge step forward.

Self-importance/ego, or whatever this program really is about, is a bear to get under control - or let go of as most of us know. If you can, when this program comes up, keep trying to feel it and see, if eventually, you can trace it back to what may be the cause of it. Why do you feel this superiority/anger/disdain?

Also, about your depression, if you haven't already, maybe in the future you would like to share it in the swamp?

About refraining from posting. Do you really think that this is going to help you? You may not be seeing the whole picture. And by posting, even in a separate thread, or here, how you are feeling, what post caused you to feel this way, what do you think was the trigger, what you wanted to say, but didn't, etc. This way, others may see things that you are missing.

Remember, we cannot do the Work by ourselves, we need others to see what we cannot.

 

[truth seeker]

I agree with everything Nienna Eluch wrote. This is a good opportunity to really sit with this and share so that you can get to the bottom of it.

Stellar,

Regarding your comment about 'arrogant disdain' for others, know that I too have and still do struggle with the same thing and I think it's fairly common. There's little that one person experiences that the majority do not so don't feel that this makes you a bad person (if you do). It's 'just' a survival mechanism that helped you when growing up but no longer need. Post when you feel ready to, we're here.

 

[stellar]

Stellar, I'm thinking that this was a hard post to write and I am glad that you took this opportunity to look at yourself. Just having seen this about yourself is a huge step forward.

Self-importance/ego, or whatever this program really is about, is a bear to get under control - or let go of as most of us know. If you can, when this program comes up, keep trying to feel it and see, if eventually, you can trace it back to what may be the cause of it. Why do you feel this superiority/anger/disdain?

Also, about your depression, if you haven't already, maybe in the future you would like to share it in the swamp?

About refraining from posting. Do you really think that this is going to help you? You may not be seeing the whole picture. And by posting, even in a separate thread, or here, how you are feeling, what post caused you to feel this way, what do you think was the trigger, what you wanted to say, but didn't, etc. This way, others may see things that you are missing.

Remember, we cannot do the Work by ourselves, we need others to see what we cannot.

Thank you for your reply which gives me the confidence to continue probing into these issues. I would not wish to ramble, so as the right words come to mind so that I can express myself as succinctly as possible I will certainly do so. I agree that I cannot do it on my own because I've been trying most of my life and with no understanding feedback, I've just shelved it and found the programme rear it's ugly head repeatedly with various consequences; loss of friends, family members, jobs etc.

I suspect that this programme comes from my childhood and my parents, my mum in particular but it has been twisted somewhat (by me?) to suit my needs for survival. She is still overtly proud and egotistical no matter what situation she is in. It is very frustrating to watch when I take her to the doctors or shopping or visiting friends. I swear she was royalty in her past life and still carries that mentallity even though she comes from a poor farming family.She actually once described to me in detail the layout of the famous Russian palace, where her library was etc.which she would have no way of knowing today. In one documenatary I watched it was just so...creepy

She has always tried to dress me up to be respectable and outstanding. I hated it, still do. I have no desire to stand out. I am not special and have no desire to appear so. Sloppy joes and roomy clothes are for me, you know the modest comfy stuff. When I rarely do 'dress for an occasion' and usually get complements and stares I feel annoyed, uncomfortable and even angry that I am getting unwanted attention. That is something she would welcome, not me.

My depression often stems from not being allowed to be me by whatever external forces. I like alot of alone time to read, clean house and contemplate my learning in the Work. Something or someone, usually family or friends, put a wrench in the works and when I have to postpone it for long I feel drained and overwhelmed by their needy overwhelming woes. It is stuff they are perfectly capable of handling themselves but they won't, they come to me, 'oh, but you're good with this stuff'. BS! They are lazy and using me beyond what is fair to ask of me. It is draining. When this builds over time I just wish I was never born. So I become scornful, contemptuos and verbose in attempt to push them away as if to say 'do it yourself or at least try a little harder'.

So that is what comes to mind for now but I will continue to journal from now on because it is hard to put so much in one post and will take bits and pieces out to discuss with everyone and ofcourse wellcome your input.