mocachapeau
Dagobah Resident
As the title implies, I had an epiphany today. The subject is narcissism, something I have been dealing with for a number of years. I'll try and give the necessary background for this.
I was in therapy at the age of 23 (I'm 40 now) when I began to learn about my parents' narcissism. My therapist never called it that, I was just discovering how my parents' screwed up relationship, and behaviour, were the source/cause of most, if not all, of my own strange behaviour. Basically, I had extremely low self-esteem, virtually no motivation to do anything seriously, and seemed to be holding a lot of pain inside which would occasionally surface when I got extremely drunk. I was studying music in university but I spent almost all my time partying. That was the main reason I got into therapy in the first place - I wanted to know why I was the way I was.
What I found frustrating about the therapy was that, although I was figuring out which of my attitudes were unhealthy and caused by my upbringing, I found it very difficult to understand what mental process was actually taking place in my head that led me to think and act the way I did. For instance, it's very easy to say that the reason I don't work hard past a certain point is that I'm afraid of failure. But if I don't feel afraid of failure and I have created other "logical explanations" in my head for my behaviour, I won't necessarily believe that that is what's going on.
It is helpful for me to trace the mental process that leads me from the childhood experience to the manifested behaviour. That way I can see, step by step, how my mind has led me from the childhood reaction to the present day behaviour, thus seeing the "logical explanations" for what they are - defense mechanisms. But this has always been a difficult task for me, and my therapist didn't seem to be guiding me in that way. I felt more like I was being told what my parents did when I was young, and what I was doing as a result of it, without understanding exactly what the reaction was that I had, and how it blocked me.
One day I said to my therapist, "I'm going to school to get a music degree, I'm playing in ensembles and learning music history, theory, etc. And I love music. But the thing is, I don't really know why I'm there. It feels like I'm only doing it because that's what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like I'm doing it just to satisfy them, not for myself. And that might be why I don't feel very motivated to do it right, to put in a real effort. I don't know if this makes any sense but that's how it feels."
Although I felt that way at the time, I never understood how I could be doing what I loved and still not feel like I was doing it because it was what I loved, because it was my choice and I was doing it for me. But clearly, I was not.
Yesterday, I think I figured out exactly how I arrived at that way of thinking.
When my son was born, I began unconsciously treating him the way my dad treated me. I didn't have kids when I was in therapy so I never got the chance to examine that behaviour with my therapist's help. I had never displayed that behaviour before so I didn't even know I had it in me. In a nutshell, I yelled at him for everything he did, just like my dad did with me. After a few years I became aware of what I was doing and began to get it under control.
When I discovered the Work and the books on narcissism, the pieces fell right into place, and today I don't get angry or yell at anyone. I don't even have the desire to do so, and I haven't been like that for a number of years now. But I was well aware that the damage was probably already done, and that I had most likely caused the same mental processes in my son that my dad caused in me. I knew that I had to set my sights on identifying them and helping my son to see them for what they were, before he hit adult life.
My son is thirteen now, and he started high school this year. Because he's an excellent soccer player, he was accepted in a special program that develops elite athletes. He spends four hours in class in the mornings, and trains for three hours every afternoon. For obvious reasons, he loves it. To remain in this program he has to get 75% in english, french and math. Everything is going well except for the math - he's getting low 60's. Not because he doesn't understand, but because he doesn't put in an effort. The other courses don't demand the same effort. All he has to do is pull off a good mark on his final exam next week, his teacher will see the improvement, and he will be allowed to stay in the program. Today, after putting off studying all weekend, he announced to me that he has lost his math book. This pretty much shows how much attention he has been paying to this problem. He has been systematically letting this course, and as a result his entire sports program, slip from his grasp all year long.
Without going into too much detail about the conversation I had with him today, I will say that it became pretty apparent what the problem is, and why he has not snapped out of it and decided to buckle down and work at his math all year. I asked him what he should be thinking about doing after this discussion is over, and he said, "Figuring out how to explain this to my teacher?"
I realized that, for him, the biggest problem he is facing is not math, or getting kicked out of his program. For him, the problem he faces in all these situations is getting through the conversations with me, or his teacher, or his coach, every time one of us has to have a talk with him about this kind of thing. All that concerns him is getting past the "trouble" he's in, and he doesn't seem to be aware that when it's over, the REAL problem still exists, that he hasn't done anything to fix the math situation.
And that is because of me. He used to get berated by me for this kind of thing, so he has developed an acute fear of any discussion with an adult authority figure who is pointing out his errors. That is all he sees, and that is all he thinks about. It is because of this that he has not developed a sense of what is important to HIM! I used to make him feel so bad that, even though I don't get angry at him anymore, any talk about his errors still makes him feel like a zero.
As you can see, not only did I figure out exactly what I need to concentrate on to get him past this mental block, but I also have understood, finally, why I was not able to apply myself at anything once I left home. As soon as I didn't have the impending threat of "what my dad would say or do" when he found out about my failure, the only reason I ever did anything had disappeared. I had never learned to apply myself at anything for any other reason other than keeping my dad happy.
But I think my son is in a better position than I was, for a number of reasons. The most important one is that he has not yet begun working really hard at things just to keep me happy. He hasn't gotten to the point where he is actually working hard at ANYTHING yet. All I have to do to put the final nail in the coffin is to deal with his arrival in high school the same way my dad did with me - completely lose it and scare the living crap out of him, worse than I ever have before. But of course, I won't do that. So I am in a position where I can encourage him in a positive way to get working at things - but for him, not for me.
I actually had him laughing by the end of our conversation, getting him to think about what makes for good high school memories later in life. Is it the time I made it to the finals of the AAA soccer league because of the hard work I did, or the time I rented that Harry Potter video game for the fiftieth time, pigged out on junk food and actually noticed my butt getting larger as I sat there. He liked that.
I hope this can be helpful to someone, but I also wanted to share this with you all. I consider this another step in the right direction for me, a great realization, and I probably wouldn't be making these steps without SOTT and the people on this forum.
I was in therapy at the age of 23 (I'm 40 now) when I began to learn about my parents' narcissism. My therapist never called it that, I was just discovering how my parents' screwed up relationship, and behaviour, were the source/cause of most, if not all, of my own strange behaviour. Basically, I had extremely low self-esteem, virtually no motivation to do anything seriously, and seemed to be holding a lot of pain inside which would occasionally surface when I got extremely drunk. I was studying music in university but I spent almost all my time partying. That was the main reason I got into therapy in the first place - I wanted to know why I was the way I was.
What I found frustrating about the therapy was that, although I was figuring out which of my attitudes were unhealthy and caused by my upbringing, I found it very difficult to understand what mental process was actually taking place in my head that led me to think and act the way I did. For instance, it's very easy to say that the reason I don't work hard past a certain point is that I'm afraid of failure. But if I don't feel afraid of failure and I have created other "logical explanations" in my head for my behaviour, I won't necessarily believe that that is what's going on.
It is helpful for me to trace the mental process that leads me from the childhood experience to the manifested behaviour. That way I can see, step by step, how my mind has led me from the childhood reaction to the present day behaviour, thus seeing the "logical explanations" for what they are - defense mechanisms. But this has always been a difficult task for me, and my therapist didn't seem to be guiding me in that way. I felt more like I was being told what my parents did when I was young, and what I was doing as a result of it, without understanding exactly what the reaction was that I had, and how it blocked me.
One day I said to my therapist, "I'm going to school to get a music degree, I'm playing in ensembles and learning music history, theory, etc. And I love music. But the thing is, I don't really know why I'm there. It feels like I'm only doing it because that's what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like I'm doing it just to satisfy them, not for myself. And that might be why I don't feel very motivated to do it right, to put in a real effort. I don't know if this makes any sense but that's how it feels."
Although I felt that way at the time, I never understood how I could be doing what I loved and still not feel like I was doing it because it was what I loved, because it was my choice and I was doing it for me. But clearly, I was not.
Yesterday, I think I figured out exactly how I arrived at that way of thinking.
When my son was born, I began unconsciously treating him the way my dad treated me. I didn't have kids when I was in therapy so I never got the chance to examine that behaviour with my therapist's help. I had never displayed that behaviour before so I didn't even know I had it in me. In a nutshell, I yelled at him for everything he did, just like my dad did with me. After a few years I became aware of what I was doing and began to get it under control.
When I discovered the Work and the books on narcissism, the pieces fell right into place, and today I don't get angry or yell at anyone. I don't even have the desire to do so, and I haven't been like that for a number of years now. But I was well aware that the damage was probably already done, and that I had most likely caused the same mental processes in my son that my dad caused in me. I knew that I had to set my sights on identifying them and helping my son to see them for what they were, before he hit adult life.
My son is thirteen now, and he started high school this year. Because he's an excellent soccer player, he was accepted in a special program that develops elite athletes. He spends four hours in class in the mornings, and trains for three hours every afternoon. For obvious reasons, he loves it. To remain in this program he has to get 75% in english, french and math. Everything is going well except for the math - he's getting low 60's. Not because he doesn't understand, but because he doesn't put in an effort. The other courses don't demand the same effort. All he has to do is pull off a good mark on his final exam next week, his teacher will see the improvement, and he will be allowed to stay in the program. Today, after putting off studying all weekend, he announced to me that he has lost his math book. This pretty much shows how much attention he has been paying to this problem. He has been systematically letting this course, and as a result his entire sports program, slip from his grasp all year long.
Without going into too much detail about the conversation I had with him today, I will say that it became pretty apparent what the problem is, and why he has not snapped out of it and decided to buckle down and work at his math all year. I asked him what he should be thinking about doing after this discussion is over, and he said, "Figuring out how to explain this to my teacher?"
I realized that, for him, the biggest problem he is facing is not math, or getting kicked out of his program. For him, the problem he faces in all these situations is getting through the conversations with me, or his teacher, or his coach, every time one of us has to have a talk with him about this kind of thing. All that concerns him is getting past the "trouble" he's in, and he doesn't seem to be aware that when it's over, the REAL problem still exists, that he hasn't done anything to fix the math situation.
And that is because of me. He used to get berated by me for this kind of thing, so he has developed an acute fear of any discussion with an adult authority figure who is pointing out his errors. That is all he sees, and that is all he thinks about. It is because of this that he has not developed a sense of what is important to HIM! I used to make him feel so bad that, even though I don't get angry at him anymore, any talk about his errors still makes him feel like a zero.
As you can see, not only did I figure out exactly what I need to concentrate on to get him past this mental block, but I also have understood, finally, why I was not able to apply myself at anything once I left home. As soon as I didn't have the impending threat of "what my dad would say or do" when he found out about my failure, the only reason I ever did anything had disappeared. I had never learned to apply myself at anything for any other reason other than keeping my dad happy.
But I think my son is in a better position than I was, for a number of reasons. The most important one is that he has not yet begun working really hard at things just to keep me happy. He hasn't gotten to the point where he is actually working hard at ANYTHING yet. All I have to do to put the final nail in the coffin is to deal with his arrival in high school the same way my dad did with me - completely lose it and scare the living crap out of him, worse than I ever have before. But of course, I won't do that. So I am in a position where I can encourage him in a positive way to get working at things - but for him, not for me.
I actually had him laughing by the end of our conversation, getting him to think about what makes for good high school memories later in life. Is it the time I made it to the finals of the AAA soccer league because of the hard work I did, or the time I rented that Harry Potter video game for the fiftieth time, pigged out on junk food and actually noticed my butt getting larger as I sat there. He liked that.
I hope this can be helpful to someone, but I also wanted to share this with you all. I consider this another step in the right direction for me, a great realization, and I probably wouldn't be making these steps without SOTT and the people on this forum.
